GOD TEMPORARILY POPELESS

Wolfowitz Realizes Life-Long Dream of Chance to Help the Poor

Papal Vestament Makers Expect Robust 4th Quarter

Beer Ad Campaign Apparantly Conceived While Drinking Beer

Report on Pre-War Intelligence Delayed to Order Some Fajitas

Accident-Prone Denver Boy Inconsequentially Upsets Large Display of Bags of Marshmellows

MBA Pteryadactyls launch DyingMeat.Com

Terry Schiavo Urn Clearly Expresses Wish to Live

Tri-Cities Area Communist Party Loses Token Trotskyist to Job at Paint-Ball Arena

Lemming Psychiatrist Sees Plunge in Business

Specialists Dispatched as Rural Arkanasan Diagnosed 'Debonaire'

Adorable Kittens Cease Day's Toil

Amusing Gadget Breaks, Then Fails to Amuse

Pickles the Border Terrrier Indifferent to Post-Structuralism

Manageable Goals Revolutionary Kisses Warm, Soft Account Executive

Bee Union Busted; Workers Will Return Immediately to Ceaseless Buzzing

Queasy Sleaze Eases Breezy Sneeze

Unnecessary High School Work History Form Sucks Man's Eyes Out of Head

Rumsfeld Insists Bob Saget Added Much To America's Funniest Home Videos With Falsetto Witticisms

Certain Holes Gauged As Depressingly Empty

Coming Up on Headlines: Why Your Feeble, Desperate Clawing at Meaningful Experience is About to Be Professionally Discredited