IN LAST-MINUTE DRAMA AT THE RIM OF A SUBURBAN DETROIT TOILET BOWL, CONGRESS STEPS IN TO SAVE GOLDY THE FISH

White House: Bush Enjoys 'Complementary' Relationship With God

Angry Parent Offers to Give What-For

Tri-Cities Area Communist Party Tables Spring Membership Drive

Rumsfeld Insists That RC Cola Is the Best

Aceh Resident Too Embarassed To Tell Trite, Mundane Story of Survival

Zoning Board Action Reclassifies Novelty Bakery as Adult Business

PENTAGON CANCELS ROBOT SURGEONS PROGRAM; NOT ENOUGH ROBOT CADDIES AVAILABLE

White House Spokesman: President, While Absolutely Not Gay, Orally Pleasures Attractive Spokesmen

WalMart Quietly Begins Shooting Associates

PENTAGON REPORTS ROBOT RECRUITMENT SHARPLY DOWN

Report: Bush was Bitten By Strong, Vicious Dollar as A Child

Reality Turns Humorous Vignette Ugly

Pro-Life Shootings Up

Adorable Kittens Damage Computer By Accidently Launching Internet Explorer

Man Strongly Regrets Hat Choice for Hot Date

University of Michigan Study: Huge Fucking Rise in Overall Dumbshit-edness