As Casualties Mount, Pizza Hut Pulls Out of Iraq

BOLTON DEMANDS NOMINATION PASSAGE OR HE WILL BEAT UP LITTLE GIRL

US Attack Sub Collides With Uncharted Big Rock Candy Mountain

Rumsfeld Insists Farah Fawcett Replacement Cheryl Ladd Was Marked Improvement in Original Charlie's Angels Lineup

University of Michigan Energy Scientists Thrilled at Discovery of Virtually Untapped Source of Research Grants

Extremely Irritating Old Woman Keeps Standing Quietly Nearby

Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Stick Realistic Sphincter Sticker on Yellow Hummer

Adorable Kittens Determine Flushing Handle is Not Friend

FBI Stepping Up Efforts Against Terrorist Hazard of Radical Pro-Bicycling Hippies

LATEST REPORT: Lisa, I Expect the Makita Tools Display to Look Ship-Shape By 4:30

Robot Shoppers Getting Too Friendly With Self-Checkout Machine

Coming Up on Headlines Weather: Expect the Thousands of Artificially Generated Tiny Black Holes To Burn Off into 11th Dimensional Space By Noon