Iowa Man Impresses Date with Intent to
Develop Weapons of Mass Destruction

Paris Hilton Declared Election Victor in Iraq; Says Will Make Iraq "Hot"

Legal Woes Spreading to Classical World as Renowned Violinist Itzahk Perlman
Smacks Down a Vegas Ho

RIAA Sues Austin Teen for Downloaded Song He Really Didn't Like Anyway

Rumsfeld Continues to Insist Paul McCartney Was Best with "Wings"

Bush Recalls Leaving Manhood in Bentley Glove Compartment After Southern Comfort Binge in 1972

Appearance of Toy Robot Nun With Sparking Mouth Has Adorable Kittens At a Total Loss for Words

World Grieves At Loss of Minor Celebrity They Had Pretty Much Forgotten Until This Report

Docs Report Eagles QB McNabb Sickened by Insane, Sadistic Commercialism

Ribald Sausage Comment Lands Jimmy Dean in Hot Water

Large Hadron Super Collider Condemned By Organization for the Protection of Large Hadrons

Secretary Rice Charms France With Child-like Innocence and Wide-Eyed Idealism

Plastic Surgeons Denounce Boob-Gro Herb

Internet Filter Removes Crap but Nothing Left

Understandable Error Thrusts Jimmy Dean into Leadership of Democratic National Committee

IN CONSIDERABLE REVERSAL; SUPREME COURT ALLOWS INTRODUCTION OF TRIAL BY WATER EVIDENCE OF DEMONIC POSSESSION

Cute Puppy Intends to Rip Dead Flesh and Sinew From Bones of Teddy Bear

Coming Up on Headlines Weather: Your Underwater Adventure