BUSH: WHAT ARE FACTS?

LORD REPORT ON BBC REPORT REPORTS SEXED-UP REPORT REPORT WAS SEXED-UP

Afternoon Napping In Sun Tuckers Out Adorable Kittens

TONY BLAIR ALSO DEMANDS TO BE SEXED-UP

Powerful New Laptop Gives Improved Illusion of Doing Things

UNDER NASA PRESSURE, MARS ROVER A.I. SYSTEM REPORTEDLY SEXES UP ROCK REPORTS

Lynnwood WA Office Max Manager Disappointed by Quarterly Disposable Mechanical Pencil Sales

LADY MACBETH UNSEXED-UP

Amazing Wireless Computer System Allows $1500 Portable Metal/Plastic Item To Play Music

SEXED UP FAKE HEADLINES BLOG BLASTED AS DESPERATE

Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Superglue Locks at Best Buy

SEX ITSELF SEXED-UP

WHITE HOUSE REPORTS THAT WHEN BUSH SAID "IRAQ'S WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION" REPEATEDLY, EVERY DAY FOR A YEAR, HE ACTUALLY MEANT "GAY SOCCER-PLAYING ELEPHANTS"

LONELY MAN IN BENTON, OKLAHOMA HONKY TONK, SITTING ALONE IN THE CORNER THINKING OF LOST FRIENDS, LOOKS UP FROM HIS BEER GLASS TO SEE WALKING TOWARDS HIM AN EBULLIENT, SLIGHTLY DRUNK HOWARD DEAN

200,000 Caribou Form Pro-Lichen PAC

Manhattan All-A-Twitter

Small, Disagreeable Boy, Widely Disliked, Plots Revenge Using Rocket Blimp

American Unclear: Which Carolina, Carolina Panthers?

As Ratings Decline, Superbowl May be Downgraded to GoodCup

$1200 Computer Used to Replace Post-Its

KING MOSS UNLEASHED, GROWS SLOWLY UP EMPIRE STATE BUILDING

CONGRESS PASSES NEW ENGLAND PATRIOT ACT: WILL PREVENT REVEALING SUPERBOWL SCORE IF PATRIOTS START LOSING

INABILITY TO FIND IRAQ WMDS COMPOUNDED AS U.S. CAN NO LONGER FIND IRAQ

Joe Lieberman Stands by Strategy of Squeeking, Nagging and Cajoling way Into Democrats' Hearts

University of Michigan Cancels Panic Attack Study as Robot Scientists Prove Life is Lazy, Breezy, and Easy as Looking at Pie

Outgoing WMD Inspector Kay Reports to Congress: "I went to Iraq and all I got was This Lousy T-Shirt"

CITING DECLINING RECEIPTS, CLEAR CHANNEL WILL END MUSIC

University of Michigan Meteorologists' Model Predicts that Warming May Combine with Urban, Agricultural Run-Off and Growing Cyclonic Wind Patterns to Create Global Foaming

Mysterious Mist Again Closes Around New Hampshire: Residents Expected to Awaken Again in 2008

Lower East Side Seance Raises Ghost who Cries "Gabba Gabba Hey," I.D.ed as Joey Ramone

High in the Central Rockies, a 600-Year Juniper Bush is Floored by the News That Iraq had No WMDS

Andre 3000 Upgraded to Andre 6000

Music Industry Concerned as Cute Dimwit Blond Factory Exceeds Safe Production Limits

Knopf Releases Marcel Marceau's Tell-Nothing Autobiography

WRITER OF FAKE HEADLINES PITCHES PRODUCT TO TIME-WARNER AS MORE ECONOMIC THAN SUSTAINING ENTIRE NEWS REPORTING INFRASTRUCTURE

Mirimax Golden Globe Party Began with Ceremonial Firing, Cell-Phone Stripping of Producer who Passed on Lord of the Rings

Nickleodean Gets In On Autopsy Craze With P.P.V. Dissection of Delicious Apple Pie

Seattle Enters Traditional Period of "January Wackiness"

Passing Suicidal Thoughts Induced by Recent Failure of Microwaving Popcorn

Lugubrious Laundry Loses Last Shred of Luster as Change Machine Jams

Rustic Connecticut Traffic Light Switches From Ruby Sunset to Jamaica Teal

Position of 'Beautiful Woman Sitting By Cafe Window' Changing Shifts Every 40 Minute

Tiny, Carnivorous Snapping Frogs Begin Hiding in Lattes by Sticking Upside-Down on Lid

University of Michigan Study of Learning IDs Common College Learning Pattern: Reading, Learning, Forgetting, Reminding Self Enough to Pass Test, Remembering a Bit, And Finally Forgetting Suddenly When Distracted by Presence of Bee in Car

Prague Dentist, Daydreaming of After-Work Beer, Accidently Whitens Patient's Nipples

Amgen Farms Unveil Symbiotic Feathery Wool, Bleating Chickens

$500, 000 Home: $15 Flower Poster

'Guaran-Fuckin'-Tee You Ain't No Fucking Rapunzel in that Ugly-Ass Cell Phone Tower

BOEING SELLING ALL PRODUCTION ASSETS; WILL CONCENTRATE ON MILITARY KICKBACKS

8.6 EARTHQUAKE DECIMATES BAFFIN ISLAND - QUONSET HUT UNDAMAGED, OWNERS BOUNCED AROUND A BIT ON TUNDRA

UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN ASTROPHYSICS PAPER SUGGESTS THAT TIME KEEPS ON SLIPPIN', SLIPPIN', SLIPPIN' INTO THE FUTURE

In 20/20 Interview, Diane Sawyer Goads Keith Richards into Showing off His Original Mammoth-Skin Guitar

Adorable Kittens to Sit Out Washington State Caucuses

Courtney Love Re-Enters Rehab After Attending Ballet Featuring Dance of the Heroin-Plum Fairies, Normally Not Performed in Reality

Portland Strip Club Reperatory Theater Putting On Production of King Leer

Kinshasa: Real Estate Developer Turns Masai Hut Village Condo, Offering Units in the Low 80 Cows

32 New Hampshire Voters Playing Star Trek Vodka Drinking Game Tonight to Decide Fate of Planet Tomorrow

Rise in Hiring of Ghost Employees Boost for Pretend Economy

Coven Interview at Eugene Restaraunt Goes South When Desirable Number of Cats Underestimated

Qwest Service Truck Never, Ever Serviced

Alaskan Woman Attempts to Pass Off Frosted Hair as Expensive Salon Treatment

SEATTLE BUSINESS MOGUL TO CRUSH ENEMIES FIRMLY BUT POLITELY

LUNCHMEAT STRONGLY QUESTIONED

ADORABLE KITTENS MISPLACE WINTER SPORTING EQUIPMENT

Adopting Assertive Business Model, Halliburton Announces Plan to Crash Earth Into the Sun

Uma Thurman About to Take Stage at Golden Globe Awar....-Great Googly-Moogly!

Potatoes Rebranded In Marketing Effort: Mealinex, Oral Treatment for Hunger

Freak Storm of Gummi Worms on Phoenix Blamed on Liberalism

Nike Adsters, Wieden and Kennedy, Tapped for Hip, Edgy Pro-Brazilian Child Death Squad Campaign

Story of Cheney's Chilling, Manical Laughter During Swiss World Econ. Summit Surpressed by Major News Outlets

Author of The Da Vinci Code Unable to Stop Staring at Magic Painting

White House Slams Kerry for Not Saving More Men in Vietnam

Incredibly Effective New-Atkins Style Diet is Based on Nutritious Penguin Eggs, Manatee Fat, Mammoth Steaks

Mild Inflationary Pressure Pushes 7-11 into Chapter 8-12

Paris Hilton To Donate Virginity to Charity

ASTRONAUT PEGGED FOR POSSIBLE MARS MISSION LOOKING RATHER PALE

VEEP AT SWISS ECON SUMMIT OUTLAYS VISION OF DEMOCRACY AS A PLEASANT, ENNOBLING BUZZ AROUND IMPORTANT CORPORATE DECISIONS

CYNICAL MEAT GAMBIT POSITS BOVINE SPONGIFORM ENCEPHALOPATHY AS DIVINE UNIFORM SUPER-GASTRONOMY

EPA Boldly Moves to Push Deadline for Extinction of 50% of Earth's Species from 2050 to 2057

BUSH REPORTED DASHING AT TOGA-FITTING

REGULAR PANEL INVESTIGATING 9/11 REPLACED BY CHENEY-APPOINTED 17" FLAT PANEL

J-lo and Ben Agree to See Other Mega-Stars

RARE SEATTLE REPUBLICAN GIVING OFF STRANGE AIR OF SMUG, PERPETUAL VICTIMIZATION

Following Trend, Lieberman Tries Yelling Really Loud at N.H. Rally; Drowned Out by Shouts of "Speak Up!," "Can't Hear!," and "Turn the Mike On!"

UNIV. OF MICHIGAN'S EXPERIMENTAL COCAINE-ADDICTED YEAST COMING ON TO YOUNGER, PRETTIER YEAST

Washington (AP) American Newspaper Industry Association Blasts Substandard Collection Practices of 9-year Old
Minnesota Paperboy

SAUDI STRIPPER SPORTING ANKLE PASTIES

Administration's Destructive, Surreal Antics Pressuring America's Hitherto Considerable Mockery Resources

Shopping Time! SO. CAL Grocery Strike Broken when Check-Out Girls Beaten for Old-Times Sake by Mostly Out-of-Work Guatemalan Death Squads

University of Washington Reports that, Like Almost Everyone, Local Cows Driven Mad by WA Anti-Tax Goon Tim Eyman

After Repeated Testing, American Pie Council Rates U.S. Pies Highly

MARS ROBOT EXPLORER NOT RESPONDING; DISTRACTED BY FALLING IN LOVE WITH MISSING BRITISH ROBOT.

AS 17 RUTTING ELEPHANTS ARE UNLEASHED INTO A SOUTH CAROLINA MALL, A WRITER AT THE FOOD COURT REFLECTS ON THE STRUGGLES AND TRIUMPHS OF A RURAL GEORGIA CHILDHOOD.

In Tourism Play, Mozambique May Name Itself After Mozart

Grandmother Blasted for Not Updating From Windows 98

Tacoma Irish Pub Unclear on Distinctions Between Irish, English, and Welsh

On National TV, Kerry Threatens to Play Guitar

University of Robots' Robot Economist Predicting Robust Robot Job Growth

Qwest Reducing Call-IN Waiting Times by Playing Hold Tapes of Random Don Rickles Insults

Hogan's Heroes Anthropologist Sought Missing Klink

Funeral Home Strike Concerns Hungry Zombies

CNN Reporting Google Graphic

New Car Design May Absolve Original Sin

University of Michigan Study: Americans Receive 3000 Commercial Messages a Day, But Cannot Get Jingle of Product Last Made 20 Years Ago Out of Head.

University of Michigan Study: Sophomore Lesbian Experimentation Yields Intriguing Results

Ohio Pot Priest Nabbed After Cops Reexamined Incense Burners

Lichtenstein to Launch Luxemburg Probe

Costner Vehicle, "Great Wall of China, " Now Filming in Vancouver

Well-Organized Sandwich Delivery Man Bringing In Sandwich Fixings By Type of Sandwich

Shoddy Latte Throws Off Real Estate Deal by $47,000

FDA Issues Recall for LocPac's Mayonnaise, Sold in 5 Gallon Buckets Between May and September of 2000.

U.S. Imports of Containerized Labor Down 3% in 4th Qtr.

Oregon Mob Consolidating Gardenia Racket

NPR Reporter Treated for Hyperventillation

Daily Mirror to Clone Princess DI for Fresh Material

PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT: As of 5/11/04, Henry M. Kissinger is not responsible for any genocides other than his own.

ALIENS LAND; ASK DIRECTIONS TO MORE INTERESTING PLANET

NEW TV SITCOM TO OPEN WITH CHARLIE SHEEN AS TV SITCOM WRITER STARINGLY BLANKLY AT COMPUTER SCREEN

Trent Lott, with Greasepaint in His Blood, Will Feature as Scotsman #6 in the Bethesda Naval Station Rep's Production of "Brigadoon."

Avaristic Moose Bullying Way Into Brine Shrimp Industry

Madison, WI Communist Party Meeting Sees Modest Increase in Attendance; Extra Chairs Requested from Denny's Waitress

On Feb. 6, Men Will Secretly Celebrate World "Tight-Fitting Sweater Appreciation Day."

Krygykystan Tolkien Society Having Good Fun Accusing Each Other's Neighborhoods of Being "Mordor."

Baptist Minister Psyched About Arrival of New J. Crew Catalog- Fashion Helps His Ministry, "J" in "J. Crew" Misunderstood

Physicist Humiliated by Post-Doc Fellowship Interview with Robot Physics Professor

Seattle Bus System Leading Nation in Near-Tolerability

Anselm Kiefer, Leading Artist Exploring Complex Position of Traditional German Imagery in the Post-War Period, Confronted by Great Variety of Banana Split Toppings at Alfred, NY Dairy Queen

Laid-Off Web Designer Reconcilled to Leave Dent in Her 1999 BMW

Brand New Garbage Truck Totally Awesome

PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT: TV Actor Best Known as "Screech" Will No Longer Be Accepting Solicitations for Off-Shore Investments

Increase Reported in Incidents of Funnyness Due to Truth

Napping Adorable Kittens Give Not A Fig for the World's Problems

APPLAUSE LINES FROM THE STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS:

"I can report today that America is larger than Iraq."

"Some people can't work because they are too stupid to get into community colleges. My plan will unstupidify them. "

"We cannot let the Environment win."

"Sadaam was bad. America stopped him. America builds democracy. America is a world lightbulb. I can go
pee by myself."

"Steroids are bad news. To high schools across America, we will send Preparation H."

"Some people think that we can just let John Ashcroft catch the criminals. But he will probably need some cops to help do that."

"That's why I have ordered Operation Desert Badger -flying Billionaires to Palm Springs."

"...in Iraq. Pause. Prompter 6000 software Copyright Textech Applications 2002."

"When I said Weapons of Mass Destruction, I meant lots and lots and lots of rifles."

University of Robots' Robot Sexologist Recommends Liberal Application of KY WD40

Reported Epidemic Of Apathy Causes Wall Street Panic

Average Lover Reportedly "Average"

Gephardt Withdraws: Who Can Stop the Sharpton Juggernaut?

Rumsfeld Team Quickly Developing Some Sort of "Operation Desert Badger"

STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS TO CHARACTERIZE AMERICA AS HUNKISH-DORIAL

JOHN KERRY EXPERTLY FLICKS BOOGER SMACK INTO BACK OF DEAN'S NECK

HISTORICAL JAPANESE ARMY DEPLOYMENT TO IRAQ INCLUDES 3 JEEPS, 227 SMALL PLASTIC TANKS, 600 SMOKY MODEL ROCKET MISSLES, AND 40 BALSA-WOOD JETS

NEAPOLITAN SWING SHIFT FED EX DRIVER TOO TIRED TO HIT ON CUTE AMERICAN GIRL

Real Story! Bush's Reference to "Desert Badger" May Have Been Confusion with WWII Desert Fox

Love You? Kill You? Vacuum? It's All in the Latest Robot Software!

Helicopters To Appear Near End of Latest Copolla Project Without Trace of Symbolism

Off Virgin Islands, Pentagon Launches Operation Clueless Cokefiend

GENETICALLY ALTERED URANIUM EATING RABBITS PRODUCING PLUTONIUM PELLETS FOR AMERICA

Psychic Correctly Asserts that Indianna Barber Knew a Man With First or Last Name Beginning With S, C, or Maybe K, Who Drove A Car, or Walked.

North Korea Announces Another A-Bomb; Also, Possible Toaster Oven

Chinese Government Fights Civet Cat SARS Infection Risk by Importing Armadillo Noodles

University of Robots' Robot Professor Reports that Future Robot Paleo-Anthropologists Will Conclusively Demonstrate That America Was Originally Settled By Modern Austrailians in 1987

Adorable Kittens In Staring Contest

BUSH MOON PLAN DERIDED AS CYNICAL POLITICAL DISTRACTION FROM NEUTONIC SAUCER INVASION OF NEBULAR-7 PLAN

Haunting Strains of "Hotel California" Add Sense of Poignancy and Loss to Seattle Taco Time

MANAGEABLE GOALS REVOLUTIONARIES AGREE ON CALENDAR PAD SIZE; MARKER COLORS DISPUTED

PRESSURE OF INTERNAL STEAM OF EVIL EXPLODES KARL ROVE

NATIONAL FBI COLONOSCOPY DATABASE REVEALS DOMESTIC SECURITY RISK-PERSONS NEED MORE DIETARY FIBER

Ann Coulter: Boxers or Briefs?

Cher Orders 2nd Replacement Body Grown

Harvard-University of Michigan Entymologist Team IDs, Removes Giant New Species of Enormous Bug From John Ashcroft's Ass

Confusion Cleared at White House as Moon Demonstrated to Be Spherical

Wal Mart Breaks Happy Faces Local #436 Union, Replaces with 'Smirky Mugs' Scabs

Teen Disputes Future Rewarding Career as East Lansing Dental Assistant

Left in Car for 3 Minutes, Cute Puppy Purported Anxious, Chewing on Seat Belt

University of Robots' Robot Scientists' Survey of Insurance Practices Reveals Insurance Companies Sucking Human Life Dry as the Kalahari

Newspaper Decline Forces Superhero Alter-Egos Out of Super News Biz, Into Super-Stocking at Home Depot

5' 1", 102 lb Woman buys SUV With Intent of Crushing Enemies

Decades of Loyal Company Service Rewarded With Momentary Indifferent Betrayal

Manilla TV Reporter Relentless in Pursuit of Michael Jackson Press Conference Seat

Godzilla Countered With Early Retirement Bonus

'EXTRA SUPERMEAT PLUS' EYED AS POSSIBLE MEAT ALTERNATIVE

Hummer Customer Goes For Hummer 2 as More Eco-Friendly

Adorable Kittens Concerned About Cute Puppy Reports

Rampaging Vikings Go Straight for Amsterdam

Safeway Begins Indentured Associatude Program

With Biology Research Grant, University of Robots Robot Scientists Attach Radio Collars to Marketing Goons

CREDIBLE REPORTS SURFACE OF BUSH WANDERING ROOMS, BANGING HEAD ON WALL, GOING 'DUH,' 'DUH, 'DUH' AS CHENEY, WEARING TOP HAT AND CAPE, TWIRLS SPINDLY MOUSTACHE

Robot Scientists Report Indisputable Superiority of Robot Scientists

PROPOSED U.S. INVASION OF DAKOTAS UNDER LAST-MINUTE REVIEW

Original Norwegian Bison Snubbing American Bison

EPA To Clamp Down On Oppressive Darkness, Leafy Mess of Trees

Halliburton To Buy Atmosphere, Supply Air in No-Bid Contract

Phil Knight Issues Modest Proposal To Raise Average Wages by Eating More Asian Children

Thai Copier Clerk Struggles Against His Own Irrational Fear of Toner

Reports of Uma Thurman's Public Nudity Widely, Widely Hailed

U.S. Strategy in Afghanistan: Roll All 3 Dice, Invade Middle East And Collect A Card

In Bush Mars Plan Science Briefing, President Informed that Astronauts Cannot Just Borrow Important Stuff Like Water From The Martians

French Threaten Embargo on U.S. French-Kissing

In Unusual Move, Christina Aguillera Keeps it On

Tang Stock Up 847%

Brevity: Wit

University of Michigan Study: Britany Spears Only Somewhat Attractive; Confusion May Possibly Stem from Shameless Sluttiness

Seattle Parking Cop Maintains Deep Faith in Principle of Overall Parking Availability

BIG BUSH MOON PLAN BILLIONS GO TO NO-BID HALLIBURTON CONTRACT FOR MOON FUEL: $137 MILLION/ GALLON

Classified Government Documents Revealed by Treasury Secretary Reveal that All This Time, Bush Has Secretly Been a Lying Dumbshit

Council of Economic Advisors Agree That Economy Is Recovering - In the Same Sense that Christopher Reeve is Recovering

PGE and Southern Power Do Surprise Fun Redecoration of Each Other's Electricity Generating Grid

IN MARKETING DEAL, RICHARD THE THIRD ANNOUNCES "NOW IS THE WINTER OF OUR DISCONTINUED MATRESSES."

POLICE QUESTION JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES

Portugal Living Vicariously Through Brazil

INTENSE CRITICISM OF ENTROPY PETERING OUT

Andy Warhol Gets His Fifteen Years of Death

BioTech Secretary Recoils Instinctively From Proferred Fruit Basket

ROMAN CANDLE DISPLACED BY VISIGOTH FLASHLIGHT

Berlin Trucker Who Bought Imported Texas Flag Car Freshener Disappointed it was Actually Made in Indonesia

Japanese Home Robot Now Comes with Smaller Robot Cleaning Robot

U.S. Admits it Boged Out, Totally Spaced on North Korea with Their Nuclear Bomb and All

Crafts Store Installs New Lighting with 50% Boost in Pallor, Apparant Grubbiness, and Haunting Atmosphere of Doom

Greeting Towards Adorable Kittens Basis of an Entire Pop Culture

Castro May Be Flirting With Communism

Big Bush Moon Plan May Boost True Moon Boot Units

Mike Meyers Leases Forehead

HOLY CRAP! VATICAN CITY WATER TREATMENT BONDS DISCUSSION SLATED

Joe Lieberman Didn't Want to But Had to Issue Dean Another Detention Slip

Ann Coulter Announces Difficult, Personal Decision to Finally Become A Woman

Adorable Kittens In Talks With Teamsters

Mike Holmgren Hopping from Gallery to Gallery in Desperate Art Binge (Real! - Your Correspondent)

UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN STUDY: REPUBLICAN ACTORS UNIFORMLY UNABLE TO ACT

Badger Hopes for Emotional Breakthrough in Weasel Family Group Therapy

U.S. INTELLIGENCE LOCATES AND DIFFERENTIATES HOLE IN GROUND

BUSH MOVES AHEAD WITH BIG MOON PLAN AFTER SCIENCE BRIEFING THAT ON LANDING, MOON WILL NOT SHATTER AND BREAK AND THEN GO OUT

U.S. Corporation Agrees to Pay Turnpike Toll

National Identity Crisis Looms as Branding Nears Market Saturation

S.P.E.C.T.R.E. HIRING 23,000 REPLACEMENT NUCLEAR TECHNICIANS

Successful Lumberjack Dogged By Persistent Anachronistic Feelings

MUMBAI STREET VENDOR DAYDREAMS OF VCR TO REWIND ANGELINA JOLIE BITS

Multi-Billionaire, After A Lifetime of Toil, Expresses Satisfaction at Measurably Increasing Rate of Currency Exchange Equalization

CHUCK NORRIS FINALLY GETS BREAKTHROUGH ACTING ROLE ON TOTAL GYM INFOMERCIAL

White House Hobbies: Senior Administration Economist Great at Sucking Cock

SPECIAL COUNSEL INVESTIGATING WHITE HOUSE UNABLE TO LOCATE ANY STATEMENT OF FACT ABOUT ANYTHING ANYWHERE AT ALL

Disney Movie Unit Removes Teen Poverty

>NASA GETS BIG BUSH MOON BOOST BUT PROHIBITED FROM MENTIONING EVOLUTION

Unusual MIT Mathematics Genius Draws Pretty Good Circle

Ashcroft to Set Up Anti-Terror Colonoscopy Database

Latest Nike Shoe Padding: Ground Toddlers

Severe L.A. Outage Outs 937 Personal Assistants

CIA: U.S. MISREPRESENTATIONS ABOUT WMD LIES MAY HAVE INTERFERED WITH PREVARICATIONS

JUDGE SENTENCES LEA FASTOW OF ENRON TO CASH, GIFTS, LUXURY MEDITERRANEAN CONDO

NARCOLEPSY TIED TO FURNITURE OUTLET STORES

Pfizer introduces Symtotrex, treatment for Plutomase, designed to ease the side effects of Curonal, which greatly reduces problems associated with Symtotrex

BUSH TO HONOR ABE "THE FATHER OF OUR COUNTRY" LINCOLN

HUNGRY METEOROLOGIST PREDICTS STRONG ONSHORE FLAN

BUSH ADMITS HE SOMETIMES MISSES A GOOD OL' SNORT OF BLOW

U.S. RECOVERY ADDING THOUSANDS OF JOBS IN SHIPPING JOBS OVERSEAS SECTOR

Adorable Kittens Reject New "Hang in There" Poster Deal

Suspicion Falls on Canadian Cattle Anger Management Therapy Program

BUSH MOON BASE PLAN TO FEATURE INNOVATIVE WATERPARK

Lonely Man Blames Addiction to 2 For 1 Dinner Coupons

Donald Trump to Make Firing of Employees on Television Standard Practice

WMDS Left in Sadaams Other Pants

AS PROMISED DURING EVENING DATE, 5.9 "LOVEQUAKE" ROCKS STATE OF NORTH CAROLINA

WOOLY MAMMOTH FROZE WHILE LOOKING FOR GIANT CAR KEYS

SOUTHERN BAPTISTS FUMING, HUNKERING DEEP IN BOG WITH BUGGY EYES SLIGHTLY ABOVE THE LEVEL OF THE MUD

ENERGY POLICY REVISED AS LINCOLN, NEBRASKA EXTENDS SURFING SEASON

CREATIONISTS DENY STAIRS

LIEBERMAN POKES DEAN WITH STICK

BUSH MOON BASE PLAN IDENTICAL TO CRAWFORD, TX RANCH

HARVARD PUSHING GOOBER RECRUITMENT

57ND BOTTLE OF BEER SAVED AS DRUNKS TIRE OF SINGING

PAT ROBERTSON HEARING VOICES

NEW EDIBLE MALL SAMPLED

Outburst of Happiness, Good Will, Playfulness During Snow-Storms, Power-Outs Condemned by Government, Schools, Industry

Japanese Company Introduces Free-Range Canned Dolphin

Spiderman, Shelob Duel Leaves a Big Sticky Mess

Excessive Use Forces International Rhyming Council To Strike "Night" and "Light" From List of Legal Rhymable Words

Temporary Restraining Order Issued Against Dancing Infants

Ford Kills "Hummer. Be Widely Despised." Campaign

Food Court Dismisses All Charges Against Ken Lay

Eraser Merger: Art Gum to Rub Out Pink Pearl

Mars Lander Discovers Martian Nougat - Evidence of Milky Way

Adorable Siberian Tiger Kittens Temporarily Ruling You Out as Lunch

Seattle Drivers Saving Time in Snowstorm by Parking Cars and Banging Fenders with Sledge-Hammer

Neo-Druid CPAs Gather at Stonehenge for Summer Solstice of the Fiscal Year

Laundry Segregated By Deplorable Clorox Clu Clan

$200 Million Mars Exploring Unit Successfully Locates Previous Mars Exploring Unit

Advocates of Rich European Cultural History at a Loss to Explain Decades-Long Persistence of Disco

New Self-Delivering Hovercraft Robot Pizza Boxes Threaten Primary Source of Stoner Income

Terrier Locked in Car Valiantly Wards off Stinky Man on Bike

Knife Fight at Antarctic Research Station Erupts when Employee Again Attempts to Play Stations Only DVD: Star Wars II, Attack of the Clones

Vatican Celebrates as Pope's Last Days Reach New Record: 4372!

Following Principles of Corporate Transparancy, Nike Execs Performing Satanic Rituals Openly in Downtown Beavertown, Oregon

University of Michigan Study: Liv Tyler's Elfin "Arwen" Giving Socially Challenged Male Teens False Hope of Dating Actual Women

Skiing Jesus Rocks Giant Slolum Circuit

Mystery Death as Hiker Singing, Whistling, Chatting while Rattling Cans and Blowing Horns in Pristine Back-Country Has Head Torn off by Bear

Warthogs to be Renamed "Blemish Swine"

Family Circus' Ida Know Leads Police in Texas Highway Chase after Multi-State Crime Spree

Vegas Breast Implant Recipient Convention Attendees Find Attention, Media Coverage Surprising

American Waffle Council Schism Possible Over "Alternative" Hazelnut Syrup

Entire US Military Industrial Complex Still Trying to Catch 3000 Self-Exploding Idiots

Ergregious Crime Penguins Seek Specious Injunctions

Even Reports of Ben Affleck Overexposure Heavily Overexposed

Sacred Neo-Druid Solstice Ceremony Delayed by Severe Catering Miscommunication

US Companies End Paying General State Taxes, Begin General State Billing

American Whore Associations' 2004 "Whore of America", Hortense Superwhore, Unable to Outwhore Madonna in National Whore-Off

LizardFest '04 Biggest Flop Yet in Oslo

John Ashcroft, Failing to Win the Heart of a Simple Maiden, Vows Sweet Vengence Against the People of Earth

Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Quietly Mock Ostentatious Starbucks-Goers

Adorable Kittens Convinced Blanket-Covered Toes May in Fact Be Blanket-Covered Mice

Secret Cabal of Ten Ruling World to Double Pop-Country Song Output

Bees Report to Entymologist: Dizzy, Light-Headed

SARUMAN THE WHITE TAPPED FOR CONVENTION KEYNOTE SPEAKER BY GOP

American Officials Set Fear-Mongering Level at "High"

U.S. Losing "Cheap Crap" Trade War

SQUIRRELS' UNION EFFORTS CONCERN PARKS DEPARTMENT

WALMART SUBJUGATES EAST CHINA SEABOARD

C. Elegans, Microscopic Organism, Has Already Seen "The Return of the King" Twice

Concern at North American Bunny Council as Field Romping Declines 27%

ASHCROFT RECUSES HIMSELF FROM TABLE: CONFLICT WITH "MORTAL" FOOD

Greenpeace Charged with Felony Sailor-Mongering REAL Story! SF Chronicle 12/30/03)

FDA: LUNCHMEAT NEITHER FIT FOR LUNCH NOR AS MEAT

American Lesbian Association Forced to Reject Madonna-Spears Temporary Permit Application

Starry-Eyed Chicago Kid To See His Name in Lights at Bloomington Kia Dealership

National Enquirer Redoubles Besmirching Efforts: 2003 Goal of 15,073 Besmirchings in Sight

Long-Feared Lugubrious Chicken Disease Now Reported in Belize

UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN STUDY: NATIONAL MONGERING PROBLEM MAY BE INTRACTABLE

RUPERT MURDOCH'S SOUL REAPPEARS ON EBAY

Amelia Wilson, 7, Last Remaining Unmedicated American Child, Diagnosed with Little Girl Syndrome

Appeasment Waning in Popularity

Capitalism Vs. Democracy: Which Makes More Money?

In Back of Minivan, Packaged $37,000 Artwork Looks Much Like Box of $3.99 Christmas Lights

After Decades of Sacrifice and Work, New Owner of 10-Acre Marin Estate Misses Proximity to 7-Eleven

Lake Washington To Be Drained: Gates' Home Sinking

Iraqi Woman Dizzy with Market Opportunities

Jesus Gets Donut - Much Appreciated

Farm Products CEO Perplexed By Radish

Glory and Promise of America Fulfilled
as Tuvan Throat Singer Shills New Toaster for General Electric

Church Rejects "Good God, Bad God" Characterization

University of Michigan Study's Shocking Conclusion: Not Everyone in America will be Rich Later

Sound of Package Opening: Adorable Kittens' Ears Prick Up

Yosemite Goes Condo; Starting in the 750s

Anti-Makeover Terrorists Strike Chicago Studio With Sweat Pant Bomb

Apartment Dwellers Enjoying "Turf of the Month" Rental Club

Country Club Undertakes Humanitarian Effort - Caddy Sent to Caddy College

Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Park So Close to Hummer it Can't Leave

Ashley Wondering What May Lie Beyond the Mall

Club Med Bartender Racking Brain for New Way to Suggestively Ingest Tequila

The Nine Muses Rise To Bitch-Slap ClearChannel

Serb Nationalists Just Can't Get Enough Genocide

Singer Mocked Bitterly: Fashion Error, Not Vein-Clogging, Soul-Shrinking, Kindergarten-Rhyming Cheeseball Song

Blinking Light Preferred To Parents 2-1

THIS CHRISTMAS, FOR THE PEOPLE THAT HAVE EVERYTHING, BUSH GIVES THEM MORE OF EVERYTHING

GREGARIOUS ASPARAGUS VARIOUSLY DISPARAGED

Okies Rattle Their Crazy Jallopies into Paris

Totally Baked Bend, Oregon Hippie Throws Weight Behind Dean

Audiences Find Compelling Vision of Mythical Earth Contrasts with Multiplex Parking Garage

Graffitto Declaring "Fuck Bush Now" Unspecifically Acclaimed

Latvian Tolkien Society Psyched by Visit From Orc #4387

New Treatment Program Extends Possible Hipness Years Well Into Your 70's

Ugly New Cars Explained: Design "Reject" Pile Accidently Switched with "Develop Immediately" Pile

Conceptual Video Installation Was Better When Originally Televised in 1987

Latest Condo Development Design Perfects Powerful Sense of Clean, Gnawing Despair

Peter Jackson Desparately Trying to Stop Planned CBS "Survivor: Middle Earth"

Bidding War Starts for Corporate Naming Rights to Oakwood Elementary Christmas Cookie Bowl

Adorable Kittens Are Sneaking Up on That Empty Tuna Can

Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Now Mowing Lawn Infrequently

LED BY 101ST AIRBORNE, BUSH ORDERS 3rd ARMY TO "TAKE OUT" CALIFORNIA PUBLIC EDUCATION SYSTEM

S.F. BLACKOUT PANEL FINGERS EXPERIMENTAL DILDOTRON 6000

Cheney Energy Plan to Phase in Boy-Loaded Plutonium Log Furnaces by 2008

Cat of a Thousand Faces Passes Guards as Lugubrious Pekinese

Employment Trend: Pimps Outwhoring to Bangalore

Meg Ryan Cuteness Resources Stretched Dangeously Thin

Big Lummox's Hummus Flumoxed

Treeless Logging Town Now Growing Hemp to "Log"

Shut Up, Liv Tyler's Talkin' Elvish

Adorable Kittens Consider Plan to Suddenly Bound Across the Room and Climb Up the Curtains

The Hamster: Not Okay with the Plan

Van Gogh's Potato Eaters to 'Go Atkins'

Writer Ryhmes 'Orange' and 'Whore-Grunge,' Appointed U.S. Poet Laureate

Court Orders Lake Trout Apprised of Rights

Racing Slug Hauls Long Slimy Ass

CNN Headline Writer Asking Rudi Bahktiar Out: How About Thursday?

Ian McKellen to Hygenist: You Shall Not Floss

Real Estate Pressures Force Greenspan to Restrict Supply of Monopoly Money

Doctors at Bethesda Naval Hospital OK Bush's Knees; Overall Diagnosis: Healthy but Dumb as a Bucket of Pea-Gravel

Washington State Now Just Going by "Martha"

Sabateurs Suspected In Sabotage

Manageable Goals Revolutionaries T.P. GOP

Wild Pudding Fanciers Sight Red-Crested Warbling Butterscotch

Andora Steps Up Anti-Terror Campaign, Declining to Return the Full Deposit on Al-Qaida Rented Ski Boots

Black Lab Puppy Knows Shame of Leash

Northwest Airlines Pilot Drunkenness Detected after Tequila-Induced Make-Out Session With Security Guard

Evolution of Large Human Brain Linked to Stress Adaptation of Banging Head on Cave Wall

U.S. Fears Increase in News Events

Photo Opportunity Wasted

Adorable Kittens are Very Happy to See You

Cheney's Tiny Horns Increasingly Noticeable

Impressive Gains in GNP Huge Benefit to Mr. John Stapleton of Henry, Pennsylvania: Everyone Else Screwed

ABOMINABLE SNOW OWL SWALLOWING TERRIERS WHOLE

STARBUCKS LOGO NOW SPORTING TINY NIKE LOGO

Robot Slacker will Free Humans From Stress of Hanging Around

Isolation of Sandwich Gene Will Allow Direct Harvest of Pastrami on Rye

Rocket Man Demoted to Jet Boy

Bush Announces Lichtenstein Now Cooperating with Anti-Terror Campaign; Monaco Eyed

Physicist Can Neither Describe What Happens to Matter in a Black Hole Nor Why He Persists in Wearing Blue Shoes and Brown Pants

Moose Faulted for No Sense of Timing

Rare Amazonian Three-Toed Tree Sloth Surprised by Jackson Indictment

Anna Kournakova Loses in Third Set of Whack-A-Mole

SUPREME COURT: BURDEN OF PROOF NOW RESTS ON ANONYMOUS INNUENDO

Man Seeking Capacitor Throws Radio Shack Into Total Chaos

Dress Barn Introduces Popular Panty Shed

Seahawks: Away-Game Charter Jet Leaking Carbon Monoxide into Cabin

Controversial SUV Runs on Otter Juice

Britany Spears Decries Shameless Sexual Exploitation of Christina Aguillera

Jerry Bruckheimer Ratings Magic Coming to C-SPAN

U.S. TO IMPOSE MARKET ECONOMY ON AFRICAN GREEN MONKEYS

"Rhodes Scholar Rage" Erupts in Caustic, Penetrating Wit

Knockoff Watch Crisis Dooms Broadway Economy

IRAN: SADDAM OWES BILLIONS IN LATE VIDEO FEES

Dollar Gains Against Cents

Bomb-Disabling Device Saves Bomb

Window Closed; Adorable Kittens Suddenly Trapped Inside

Model Rocket Flight Cancelled Due to Mean Six-Grader

Beltway Outsider at Odds with Self

Adorable Kittens Totally Blown Away by Passing Vole

Oregon Court: Medical Marijuana Does Not Extend to Eugene Doctor's Monster Bong

Bush Visits Troops - Keeps Looking at Watch

FERC Pushes Hard for Coal-Fired Cell Phone Subsidy

Garment Workers Union Strikes in Solidarity with A-Rod in Contract Dispute

Summer Blackout: Evil Pixies from Zanitor At Root of Problem

Richard Nixon Zombie Bitterly Resents Charismatic JFK Zombie

Troubled Bridge Despondent, Attempts to Jump Off Self

'82 K-Car Shunned by Mercedes Service Dept

Sex Worker Caught Spot-Welding During Break

University of Michigan Study: Opening, Consuming Small Packets of Ketchup Robs Diners of Essential Human Dignity

Tiny Starbucks Stores Snuck Inside Individual Commuters' Mini-Vans Overnight

LORDS: "OVERLORDS ARE STUCK-UP"

Real Estate Study: Toad-Brained Bigots with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder as Neighbors Increase Property Values

Tyco, Recovering From Scandal, Spins Off Operations to Concentrate Solely on Model Trains

Israeli Fence Bringing the World Together

Schwarzenegger Move Puts Brakes on California Bio-Robotic Research

Manageable Goal Revolutionaries Key Car Taking Up Two Spaces

Adorna, Elf of Rivendell, Daughter of Ragnar the Wise and Lornia the Fair, Fails to Get Upgrade Due to Angry Dispute Over Carry-On Items

(Grants Pass, OR) UN Security Council Extremely Concerned; Field of Sheep, Less So

George W. Bush, in Cryptic Aside, Refers to Something called His Precious

Drivers Always Safe and Courteous, So Says Trucking Company

University of Michigan Study: Oregon Not Unlike Washington

INDIA ROCKED BY SCANDAL: TRANSEXUALS ON FAKE MARRIAGE, COW-TIPPING SPREE

Twinkle Team and Justice League Meeting Halfway

Truly Priceless Artifact Sold on EBay for Infinity $

Amgen Isolates Immunex-Clotting Gene

Newspaper Reports Dogs More Popular than Cats, Adorable Kittens Pee on Newspaper

Barrista Irritating Customers With Poorly Executed Cockney Persona

Mick Jagger's Illegitimate Children Attempt Panama City Coup

Monkey Goes Apeshit

Ann Coulter Dominant in The Three Manly Sports

Keiko the Killer Whale is Buried at Sea

Sadaam's Hideout Now Listed for $975/Month, Year-Lease

Lost Hunter Kills Bear with Knife, Crawls Inside Body to Stay Warm - Embarassing as Motel 6 Only 1/2mile Away.

HAPPINESS APPEARS ELUSIVE

Adorable Kitten Loses Certain Amount of Innocence When it Crushes, Eats Daddy-Long Legs

Bob Dylan's Son Ready for a Comeback

Too Fine a Point Put On Point By Man Saying "Not to Put Too Fine a Point On It"

Total Effort Produces Utter Debacle

U.S. Begins Mailing Millions of Individual Insults to French Citizens

Between Booze, Whores and Dryer Time, Laundromat Costs are Adding Up

Pfizer Introduces "Lifex" Pill, Unaffordable Treatment for Death

Nowdays, Old Men Got All the Money

Lexus ES Advanced Design Muffles Constant Bumps, Screams of Careless Pedestrians


As Expectations Wane, Disenchantment Grows

Branson, Missouri Hosts Starfish-Like Alien Which Disguises Itself as Theater Featuring Kenny Rogers and Gobbles Up Midwest Pop-Country Fans Like so Many Chicken-in-a-Biscuits

US Army's Ability to Rock Out Widely Discredited by Army Band

New Pizza is a Wheel of Hot Cheese With a Small Ring of Bread Inside

U.S. Promises More Enchantment

Minty Flavor Also Added to City Water Supply

Tankers Pouring Cherry Syrup into North Pole in Attempt to Make Enormous Slurpee

Wolves are After My Burrito

Romantic Carriage Ride Marred by Automatic Weapons Fire

Everyone but Everyone Hates Small, Unpleasant Boy

Alan Greenspan Cannot Contain Christmas Excitement

Dow Hits 10,000, But Your Ass is Grass

Costco Introduces Submersible Big Box Store in Puget Sound

Dumbshit Could Give a Fuck

Woman Uses Lincoln Navigator to Drive Right Over Curb into Lampost

Mob Beating of Executive Began with use of Word "Synergistic" in Justifying Mass Layoffs

Pigeon Feeling Randy

Revolutionary-Americans Split 50-50 on What to Do With Paris Hilton When Revolution Comes

Americans Tire of Amazing New Products, Switch Back to Products

Ink on Closing Dry 15 Minutes Before Ceiling Drips

Eternity of Torment Awaits Damned Socks

Ballard News-Tribune Pushes Comments Aside, Runs "Wild About Beavers" Headline

Enchantment Supplies Low, Prices Up

US: Sadaam Could Use Regular Flossing

Physicists Declare Dark Matter Theory Supplanted by "Goth Matter"

Sadaam Reportedly was Following Phish, Living in Bars, Hangin' With Nick Nolte

Capitalism Reported as Nifty way for Owners of Capital to do Fuck-All

Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Occupy Parking Space

String Theory Turns Out to be as Easy as Looking at Pie

Depressed Walruses Lie Around All Day, Hardly Moving

Boeing Moves to Dominate Go-Kart Market

Parrots Sick of the Lies

Massive "Lame" Front Moves Through Eastern Washington; Spokane, Pasco Described as "Totally Lame"

Suzy at the HMO Decrees That I Shall Live

Jiffy Lube Branching Into Gynecology

Manageable Goal Revolutionaries Sticks Post-It to the Man

Berlin: German Anal Retentiveness Extensively Documented, Categorized, and Indexed Yet Still Ineffably Disorderly

Dumbshit Gives it A Whirl

A-Rod Traded To Ghana for it's GNP

Recording Label Attorney Faces Ethical Crisis in Six-Minute Increments

Urban Fruit Bats Evolving into Pop-Tart Bats

Bush Moon Plan Reformed as Moon Pie Plan

Windows XP Professional Fails to Impress Masai Warrior

PANEL OF NOBEL ECONOMISTS CHARACTERIZE BUSH ADMINISTRATION'S ECONOMIC POLICIES: "DINE AND DASH"

Some Sunset Dim Sum Yummy, Some Gummy, Some Seems Dim - Missy Elliot Reviews Bay Area Restaurants

BUSH DEMANDS HALLIBURTON REPAY HUGE OVERCHARGES: THE GOVERNMENT NEEDS THE MONEY TO PAY TINY FRACTION OF OTHER PAYMENTS TO HALLIBURTON.'

ICE-CAP MELTING PROTEST: 'Million Penguin March' Nears Washington

Manageable Goal Revolutionary Overthrows Flag Football Receiver

"Former Mensch Shtupping Chiksa" - Casper, Wyoming Tribune

Little-Known Treaty Obligation has Trident Missile Warheads Replaced with Cookie Dough

I'll Bet that Porn Star is Cold

Thrashing Shredders Wickedly Burn Two-Plank Wankers

Zebra Released on Own Recognizance

Newly Discovered Eagle Species Sports Testicles the Size, Shape and Texture of Kiwis

Shania Twain Confused When Presented With Guitar

After 20 Years, Metallica Now Just Kind of Sad

Bush Moon Plan Flag Also Unsaluted on Earth

7th Day Adventists to Consider Adding Second Week

Manageable Goal Revolutionaries Hit Halliburton HQ: Knock on Door, Leave Flaming Bag of Poo

Estate of Cab Calloway to Issue Heidi Heidi IPO

IKEA Introduces Chipboard Volvo

Mathematician's Friend is Lozenge and Supercomputer

Brain Teaser Just Trying to Get Brain in Bed

Micropeasants Developed for Grovelling in Hard to Reach Spots

Maya Angelou Shells out for Poetic Placement in Movie

Supermodel Peripatetic Transversing Lower East Side Sets New Land Speed Record

Monkey-Feces Tossing Spat engendered by Fillibuster

Haliburton to Eliminate Middlemen at IRS, Congress, Collect U.S. Taxes Directly

Moon Juice: Tang $250K Donation to GOP Revealed

Limbaugh, Dr. Laura Makeout Shown on Fox - GOP Birthrate Plummets

Molecular Transistors Used to Make Radio - Radio too Small to Use

T-Mobile Produces Wheelless Doublewide

Santa Drops Whole Fucking Coal Mine on Crawford, Texas

This Year's Billy Bass, "Chattering Cheney," Sales Disappointing

Village of Tupagah, Burkina Faso, Reports Things Are Hunky-Dory

Impossible Mission Force Sent to Discredit Bush Like a Kid in A Candy Store

Chirstmas Candy Storm Dumps 12 Inches of Marshmellow Cream along Eastern Seaboard; Forecast for Weekend: Sprinkles.

Computer Organizing now much easier with Computer Organizing Computer

Animal Sports Breeding Practices Questioned as Iditarod Musher enters with team of 600 3 inch Malemutes

Release of Helium Gas into Chamber Fails to Lift Tense, Desparate Mood of Israeli-Palestinian Negotiations

Abercrombie and Fitch Catalog, Hustler "Hot Naked Elves" Issue Inadvertently Switched in Mail

"Crickey! Look at that $600 Billion Hole!" Melbourne Zoo Director's Tenure at Government Accounting Office may be Limited

UW English Department Academic Fiefdom Places Want Ads for "Grammatically Conscious, Jump-Suited Minions."

Administration pulls out of International Poodle Treaty "For Spite."

"Check Out This Little Bald Guy and 'is HUGE FANGS!!" Melbourne Zoo Director IDs White House source of CIA Agent Leak

Deep in Pentagon, Black Budget Surveillance Agency with NSA, Never Officially Acknowledged, Unable to Print Large JPEG file.

Reinstallation of Windows XP into Critical Computer Controlled System Updates Old Files, Floods Netherlands

Court Limits Intellectual Property to Books, Papers, Pipes, and Tweed Jackets

Karl Rove Hit by Tranquilizer Dart, Wrestled to Ground, Put in Bag and Driven Away by Melbourne Zoo Director

PJ Harvey No Longer Emotionally Available

Amgen Announces "Bootylicious Gene" Breakthrough

Massive $45 Billion Effort Redoubled, Tens of Thousands Mobilized, Divisions Assigned, Activity Reaches New Plateau of Ferocity; Purpose Obscure

Bush Moon Plan Requires Branding Moon

Rigorous Tests Confirm Robot Zombies Every Bit as Capable as Real Zombies

Bush Moon Plan Deflated When President Learns We've Already Been to Moon

Lichtenstein Governed Sarcastically

Mt. Coney's Volcanic Gases Invisible, Smell Like Carrots

Undead Zombie Orchestra Genius to Conduct 500th Seattle "Nutcracker"

British Chap Might Have a Go

After a Lifetime of Struggle, Another Big Fat Pile of Struggle

"Manageable Goal" Revolutionaries Topple Portland Coke Machine

24 Hour Bug Tries to Keep Realistic Expectations

Advanced US Thermonuclear Weapons Director at Los Alamos Lab Stuck Waiting Behind Demanding Grocery Customer Paying Slowly with Check

In CIA Leak Probe, Ashcroft Appoints Very Special Counsel

Disagreeable Brain-Frying Cannibals Repulsed by Music Industry

Subway's "Jared" Evidence Thin is on the Way Out

Secret Service Cocaine-Detecting German Shepard's Nose Goes Straight For President's Crotch

New York District Attorney's Office Steps Up Recruiting of Stunning Models as Deputy Assistant District Attorneys

Wolfowitz Reported Jilted in High School By French, Russian, German and Canadian Girls; American Girls Too.

Administration Psyched as New Mastercard with $4 Trillion Limit Arrives in the Mail

Seeking to Contain Salaries, Amgen, Immunex Now Raising Cloned Genetics Scientists in Vats

Adorable Kittens Turn Down Offer of Incredible Journey

Ashcroft Terrifies Lobster Man

SCHWARZENEGER'S AGENDA FAILS, BLOWS CITY FUNDING, FORCED TO BACK DAVIS BOND DEAL, SUED FOR LIBEL, RETREATS FROM LICENSE PLAN, GROPING ALLEGATIONS PERSIST, SLAPPED BY WIFE, STUMBLES ON BANANA PEEL, STEPS IN BUCKET OF RED PAINT, KNOCKED BACKWARDS BY TRAY-LADEN WAITER OPENING DOOR, FINALLY FALLS DOWN THREE FLIGHTS OF STAIRS AND LANDS IN FRONT OF DERISIVE CHILDREN WHO PELT HIM WITH PUDDING CUPS.

ADMINISTRATION STRATEGY TO GET WORLD TO "NOT LIKE US SO MUCH AS RESPECT US" 50% SUCCESSFUL

S.F. MYSTERY MAYOR: JUST A SUIT OR JUST A HAIRCUT?

NANCY PELOSI'S EYEBROWS NOW FLOATING ABOVE HEAD LIKE IN A CARTOON

GORE LOVES BREAKFAST SAUSAGE, THOUGHT HE WAS ENDORSING JIMMY DEAN

LOVELY CNN ANCHOR RUDI BAHKTIAR CONTINUES TO DRESS SUPER-SHARP!

ADORABLE KITTENS WOULD REALLY LIKE KITTY TREATS

TAXICAB CONFESSOR CAUTIOUSLY ADMITS NOT GETTING ANY

LIEBERMAN TOTALLY WAITED BY PHONE FOR DAYS TO HEAR FROM AL AND HAS TO HEAR ABOUT HOWARD FROM ASHLEY RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF URBAN OUTFITTERS IN FRONT OF EVERYONE

WORLD ECONOMY NEAR COLLAPSE AS EXECS, ASSISTANTS TIRE OF MAKING BUSINESS PRESENTATIONS TO EACH OTHER

BIN LADEN NABBED AFTER U.S. PSYCH-OUT WITH INSINCERE 'OLLY, OLLY OXEN FREE.'

PENTAGON ANNOUNCES MASSIVE 'OBSESSIVE CLEANING' PROGRAM

CEMENT TRUCKS SECRETLY FILLED WITH MARGARITAS

IN REVOLTING DEVELOPMENT, NORTON LOSES THE LOTTERY TICKET

SYSCO, U.S. MARKETER OF QUALITY ASSURED FOODSERVICE PRODUCTS, ANNOUNCE MERGER OF "NOMENCLATURAL CONVIENIENCE" WITH CISCO SYSTEMS- ALSO IN TALKS WITH COSTCO

HIPPIE WHO CONTROLS SOFTWARE COMPANY FIRES ALL OTHER HIPPIES

ARTICULATED BUS MUM

TERRORIST DISGUISED GRENADES AS DOUBLE HALF-CAF SOY LATTES

FLORIDA NO LONGER NATIONAL ASSET, OFFERED GRATIS TO CUBA

NEW COMEDY EYEWEAR ALLOWS TED STEVENS' EARS TO EMIT STEAM

LAURA BUSH TRIPS INTO CEMENT WALL, SHATTERS INTO A ZILLION PIECES

NEW $20 BILLION ANTI-BALLASTIC MISSILE SYSTEM IN DELTA JUNCTION ALASKA RATED "GO" TO MAYBE POSSIBLY STOP NORTH KOREAN ATTACK ON YAKUTAT

DISCRETE ORDER BANS BUSH FROM WINDSOR CASTLE, BUCKINGHAM PALACE

COSTCO APARTMENTS OBVIATE NEED TO LEAVE STORE

IN SUDDEN U.N. MOVE, 15,000 SWEDISH MASSAGE THERAPISTS PARACHUTED INTO WEST BANK

"IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE" RE-EDITED TO FEATURE BANK OF AMERICA

SEINFELD ORGANIZES SURPRISE SPECIAL OPS LANDING IN CUBA

CHILDHOOD FRIEND OF RUMSFELD CLAIMS HE WAS WORST PLAYER OF HIDE AND SEEK EVER - COULD BE DODGED FOR WEEKS

TINY, SHRIVELED, ELDERLY BUZZ SAW-VOICE MAN FOUND WANDERING HOUSTON SUBURB I.D.'ED AS ROSS PEROT

DRAG QUEEN CONSIDERS IMPERSONATING CELEBRITY

$300 MILLION EFFORT MILDLY DIVERTING FOR 57 OF 96 MINUTES

NATIONAL ARCHIVES RESTORATION OF ORIGINAL U.S. CONSTUTION SEEMS TO BE MISSING 1ST, 4TH, 5TH AND 14TH AMENDMENTS;SUSPICIOUS AREAS COVERED CRUDELY IN MASKING TAPE

WOMAN CONFUSES MAN, MAN PLOTS REVENGE, REVERSE CYCLE EXPECTED

MAN WOULD RATHER SIT IN CHAIR, BANG ON THE BONGOS

FRIENDS HOPING UNCLE SAM WILL GET OFF THE JUICE

SEATTLE ARTIST AMAZINGLY MISTAKEN IN PREDICTION FOR LIGHT FLU SEASON

LIMBAUGH NOW SUCKING THUMB, WON'T STOP

IF HUMANS DESTROY THEMSELVES, OTTERS PERFECTLY WILLING TO TAKE OVER JOKE-TELLING RESPONSIBILITIES

REDMOND STARBUCKS LOCATIONS NOW CROWDING MICROSOFT

GATES REASSURES SHAREHOLDERS IMPRESSIVE CHARITABLE EFFORTS WILL NOT DISTRACT FROM EVIL SCHEMES

SADAAM: "THEY'LL NEVER LOOK IN HERE."

NADER MAY ENTER RACE - TRANQUILIZER DARTS MAY ENTER NADER

BUSH GRANTS SMITHSONIAN TO SIX FLAGS

EPA RELEASES EVIL FLYING MONKEYS BACK INTO THE WILD

IRAQ, IN FIRST TEST OF DEMOCRACY, VOTES OVERWHELMING AGAINST EXPLOSIONS

$14 MILLION U.S. CULTURAL INITIATIVE NEARLY COMPLETE IN ERADICATING MEMORY OF PAULY SHORE

RENNAISSANCE FAIR GOERS HOSPITALIZED WITH MOCK BLACK PLAGUE

MOB OF MUSCULAR ABSTRACT EXPRESSIONIST OIL PAINTERS PUNCH LIVING SNOT OUT OF JEFF KOONS, RAMPAGE THROUGH CHELSEA BEATING CONCEPTUAL, VIDEO ARTISTS SILLY

SPECIALIZED GPS DEVICE DEPLOYED TO LOCATE G-SPOT

CANADIAN ANTI-TERROR STRATEGY: APPEAR MEEK- FRIENDLY BUT UNASSUMING

WAL MART BEGINS EMPLOYING 'COMFORT WORKERS'

BRITANNY SPEARS RECENTLY INFORMED ABOUT ACTUAL RESPONSIBILITIES OF LESBIANISM

US CUSTOMS SEIZES TAIWAN CARGO SHIP, CONTENTS: OPRAH BOBBLEHEADS 'WAY BELOW PAR, NOT VERY SPROINGY, NOT EVEN BLACK, MORE LIKE CAL RIPKEN IN WIG'

99 CENT STORE TRANSPORTED WAY BACK IN TIME IN ATTEMPT TO BECOME PROFITABLE - BACKFIRES FIRST DAY

"COR BLIMEY, BLOODY DELCIOUS!" U.K. MCDONALD'S CAMPAIGN NIXED FOR U.S.

TEL AVIV BEVERAGE COMPANY INTRODUCES HEMICROBREW

LAST MAN TO UNDERSTAND, USE PHRASE '23 SKIDOO' PASSES AWAY AT 102, BURIED IN STRAW BOATER AND RACOON COAT

DOCTORS INFORM MADONNA SHE HAS ONLY 17 MONTHS LEFT TO BE CONSIDERED 'HOT'

UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN STUDY: GEORGE JETSON KIND OF A CHUMP

TV NEWS STATION DETERMINES POT ONLY SMOKED IN EXTREME CLOSE-UP

FOLLOWING TREND, LIEBERMAN, DISCUSSING MEDICARE IN DES MOINES, SWEARS LIKE A SAILOR

KMART SHOPPERS BALK AT PAYING ATTENTION

HILTON SISTERS ON SEX, PARTYING, DRINKING TEAR THROUGH EAST COAST; BUSH DAUGHTERS FEEL THE PRESSURE

POWERPUFF GIRLS UNABLE TO SAVE KINSHASA

PRESIDENT IN GOOD HEALTH, 'HIGH FUNCTIONING'

NEW VEGETABLE-OIL BASED ADAPTATION OF MOBY DICK RELEASED TO POOR REVIEWS

BARROW ORTHODOX JEWISH COMMUNITY SITTING TIGHT TILL FEBRUARY

WAL MART OCCUPIES NEW GUINEA AS BASE FOR OPERATIONS AGAINST AUSTRALIA

BUSH MADE TO UNDERSTAND CONCEPT OF 'ISLAND'

WAL MART ATTACKS PEARL HARBOR

US 101st AIRBORNE DIV., IN NORTHERN IRAQ, SURPRISED BY DEADLY NINJA ASSASSINS

VLADMIR PUTIN STUMPED BY X Q M R I TILES

VENDING MACHINE COFFEE STILL DISAPPOINTING AT 40 CENTS

REPTILIAN FAX TREE INFORMS VARIOUS LIZARDS

NEW TESTAMENT SHORTER THAN PLANNED - HAMPERED BY LACK OF APOSTLES' OFFICE SUPPLIES

CIA ON IRAQ: MISSION 'IN REVERSE ACCOMPLISHMENT'

LIBERTARIAN PARTY CONVENTION DESCRIBED AS SUBCONSCIOUSLY HOMOEROTIC

ADORABLE KITTENS ADMIRE HUMOROUS INSPIRATIONAL POSTER

MR. BIG SHOT CELEBRITY BETTER TAKE OBSCURE TRASH TO CURB

DeVRIES INSTITUTE GRAD CANNOT LOCATE JOB, GIRL

UNFAMILIAR PAPER BAG VEXES ADORABLE KITTENS

ANGELINA JOLIE'S BREASTS SOLEMNLY APPLAUDED

ENRON, ORACLE, TYCO IN URGENT DISCUSSIONS TO ACQUIRE PRISON MANAGEMENT CONTRACTS

WAL MART INNOVATES WITH NEGATIVE SALARIES

GLOBAL WARMING, FLOODING TO BRING EAST COAST, WEST COAST HIP HOP RIVALS TOGETHER, PROBABLY NEAR DENVER IN 2064

REDNECK YET STRUGGLES FOR FIRM SELF-DEFINITION

CLEARING OUT EXCESS ENDANGERED SPECIES TOP ADMINISTRATION ENVIRONMENTAL PRIORITY

TONY BLAIR JUST KEEPS WHACKING HIMSELF ON THE FOREHEAD

ELECTRO-BRAIN USED FOR ROBOT BUSH COMPARABLE TO PLAYSTATION 2

DELICIOUS PIE WARMLY EMBRACED BY MANY CULTURES

FRUSTRATED CONDI RICE MAY REQUIRE SPECIAL ASSISTANCE TO GET FREAK ON

EFFECTIVE CAR ALARM PLAYS COMPLETE, 110 DECIBEL 'STARS AND STRIPES FOREVER'

ADORABLE KITTENS DREAM OF SLEEPING IN WARM, COMFY PILLOW EXACTLY LIKE THE ONE THEY'RE SLEEPING IN NOW

ADMINISTRATION NOW CLAIMS IRAQ, IRAN INADVERTENTLY BUT UNDERSTANDABLY CONFUSED WITH EACH OTHER

KENNY G INTRODUCED TO JAZZ

MONSTER TRUCK ESCHEWS EXPLOSIVE JUMPS, PREFERS QUIET TIME WITH SEDAN FRIENDS

WAL MART OCCUPIES BURMA, EXTENDING EAST ASIA CO-PROSPERITY SPHERE; BRITISH EXPELLED, THOUSANDS FLEE

JITTERY COFFEE CUSTOMER, PINING FOR BEAUTIFUL BARRISTA, IS ALL-A-TWITTER

MEDICAL SCIENTISTS DISCOVER NECK-BONE, BACK-BONE CONSISTS OF COMPLEX INTERCONNECTED VERTABONES

BORIS BADANOV ADMITS RELEASE OF TOXIC GOOF GAS IN TEXAS LEGISLATURE, 1998

AS A YOUNG FAMILY RECOVERS FROM TRAGEDY, DONATION OF FREE LAP DANCES HAS UNINTENDED CONSEQUENCES

CONCRETE DECRIED

BUSH, IN APPALLING SING-SONG FAKE IRISH ACCENT CLAIMS 'O, NAY, I NEVER HAID NA CARE FER TOMORROW.'

PAUL WOLFOWITZ DESCRIBED WARMLY BY RUMSFELD AS "OUR FIFTH COLUMN IN THE WAR AGAINST PEACE.'

WOMAN ABOUT TO MAKE DAMN SURE SHE GETS SOME

ADMINISTRATION STUDIES WAYS TO ACCELERATE 9 INCH/ ANNUM NORTH AMERICAN CONTINENTAL DRIFT AWAY FROM EUROPE

'QUEER EYE' REVIEW OF PRESIDENT AIRCRAFT CARRIER TAPE: BUSH CLEARLY 'PRANCING'

ADORABLE KITTENS CONCERNED BY ENCOUNTER WITH FAMILY DOG - RAPIDLY RE-DEPLOY TO CUPBOARD-TOP REDOUBT

BICYCLE LANES VIEWED AS DOMESTIC TERRORISM

FACING RELENTLESS WAL MART ONSLAUGHT, BRAVE STAND OF MARINES AT WAKE ISLAND MINI-MALL MAY BE DOOMED AS U.S. SALES FLEET WITHDRAWS

Soldiers in Bagdad Raid Porn Shop, Locate Weapons of Ass Instruction Video

In Compromise Over Reagan Dime, US Mints $500 Billion Coin; 12 Produced for Deficit

Karl Rove Suffers Concussion; Asked in Hospital Who is President Replies "Al Gore."

Seahawks Starter Sidelined for Season with Self-Esteem Issues

Columbus Discovery of America Refuted; Norway Sues for Possession.

Contract Dispute Forces Russell Crowe to Star in "The Charles Nelson Reilly Story"

Billy Tanner's Weekend Box Office Receipts:
"Cat in the Hat," $5.50 (Matinee)
"Kill Bill," $9 (Lied About Age)
"Haunted Mansion," $0 (Snuck in After "Cat,")

Would-Be S.F. GOP Mayoral Candidate Reported Depressed, Weeping Softly in Bean Bag Chair

Boeing Attempts to Lay Off 40,000 Airbus Employees

Mike Myers Carefully Avoided at Hollywood Party

Disney's "Snoop Dog's Children's Televizzle" Goes Awry

Marketing Tie-In for "SeaBiscuit" Dog-Food Canned

Defeated Energy Bill Included $250,000 Write-off for "Passenger Tanks"

CNN Crawler Spellcheck Melfunctions

Girl Aghast as Mr. Floppy Ears and Miss Whiskers Cannot Agree on Pink or Blue Ribbon

S.F. Policy Shift as Parking Tickets Issued Before Car Leaves Garage

Toddler Decides Running Around in Circles Yelling is Best

Ken Lay's Comedy Groucho Glasses Fail to Enliven Congressional Hearing

Distracted by Adorable Kitten, Little Girl Forgets Fuzzy Bunny Dispute

Temp. Worker Embezzles Net Amazon Profit, Blows it on Several Donuts

Icelandic Hip-Hop Movement Unfortunately Growing

Man Not Precisely Admiring Stylish Cut of Girl's Jeans

Formerly Active Volcano Not Getting Enough Excercise; Now Smells Like Corn Chips

Conservatives Decry Public Transit in Christmas Window Displays

Headline "Minnie Driver Drives Mini," Reported Not Funny, But Still Unavoidable

NIMH Loses It, Institutionalized

Web Designer Considers Tougher Looking Leather Jacket

Man Cites Howard Stern, Torpedos Rare Date

New Anchorage Attraction: "Wall-Mart Yahoos of the Last Frontier"

Majestic Beauty of Alaska Range Scorned: Lacking 'Pottery Barn'

Comfortable, Stylish Weapons Platform Features Heavy Armoire

Discolored Shoes Repell Nordstrom's Clerks

FuckMonkey would Appreciate Just Being Held

"Come Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" Christmases Up Men's Restroom

Woman's Neckline Pretty Attractive Without Sparklies

Blink 182 Supposedly No Longer Punk Rock

Haircut Subtlety Distinguishes Trendy Girl From Gutter Punk

Al Sharpton Pegged For V.P. : Comedy Sidekick

Fuzzy Bunnies Invite Small Girl to Tea

Manhattan "Piano Assassin" Suspect in 3 East Village Squishings,
7 D# Minor Chords

December 7th Now "Living in 'Famy"

Outlook Grim as Wasilla Sinks Budget Into Attracting Bio-Tech

Concern Grows as Robots Shave Legs

The Flash's Squirrelly Attentions Irritate Wonder Woman

Tacoma Fooling Itself

Ann Coulter Glad to See Victoria's Secret Special

Hew and Cry Outpanics Hullaballoo

Fox Announces $30 Million Campaign to Convince America Adam Sandler Funny

Grim Reaper Backs Medicare Reform

Homo Erecti, Neanderthals, Troglodytes Abandon Limbaugh - Australiopithecenes Steadfast

Shoe on Other Foot Mirror Image of First Shoe

501st Top Company Sues Next Biggest; Minor Award Vaults Them in Fortune 500

Red '85 Dodge Coupe Sports 'Truly Pathetic' Leather Bra

Dalai Lama, Attending White House Speech, Heard to Mutter "Dumbfuck" Under Breath
Restraining Order Taken Out Against "American Woman"

Starving on Lifeboat, "Foodie" Insists on Provincal Italian Shoe

Convienient Technology Due to Become Oppressive Necessity

Cabbie Allows Merging Car to Go First

Uma Thurman, Liv Tyler, Gwen Stefani Apparantly Enter Some Sort of Secret Pact to Pretend to Ignore Seattle Artist

Eminem Hospitalized with Bout of Modesty

New Autobiography of FCC's Mike Powell: "Tool"

Famous NPR Opera Wit Somewhat Lost on Tweens

Intimidatingly Stylish Gallery-Going Culture Vultures Actually Community College Art History Majors

Merck Shares Gain with "Methacor" - New Time-Release Crank

Marketing Goon Mugs Poet- Makes Off with Nice Turn of Phrase

Limo Too Fucking Long

River Otter Reported Despondent

Seattle Based Boy-Band Doomed

Plaid Neither Comes Back Nor Completely Disappears

Sir Mix-A-Lot Sanctions Donut Craze

Will o' The Wisp Buys House, Settles Down

Resident Uses Seattle Monorail for Actuals Transport

Mom Concerned by Today's Culture

New Slightly Desperate Fashion Popular With Men

Family Values Include Walking 6 Abreast, Clogging Sidewalk

Apparant Political Protest Actually Furniture Sale

[Saturday December 6th, 2003 07:38:02 PM]

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE USED TO CLEAR MINEFIELD

MOB MUSCLES IN ON WOODLAND CREATURES

INQUISITIVE AUSTRIAN GORED BY RARE HORNED KOALA

GABRIEL GARCIA MARQUEZ CONSTANTLY PESTERED BY NOISY, PUSHY NEIGHBORS

UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN PHILOSOPHY REVIEW: PLATO KIND OF A DICK

SILVER SURFER CONTACTS PRESIDENT WITH EMERGENCY SPACE KO-AN:
"You are the 3 sounds made
by the falling car keys of America
as they plunge through the sewage grate
of national being."

HILTON SISTERS BOLSTER CASE FOR STEEP NEW INHERITANCE TAX

IMPERFECT STORM MOISTENS PARKING LOT

ANONYMOUS TIPSTER FINGERS PREVIOUS ANONYMOUS TIPSTER

11 YEAR OLD: WAR GAME MAKES WAR LOOK FUN

JUDGE RULES 1000S OF MURDERERS FREED: LIBERAL WHIMSY

NASA TEEN EDUC PROGRAM'S ATTEMPT TO SOUND COOL FALLS FLAT

NEW LINCOLN NAVIGATOR EQUIPPED WITH SEGWAY TO SCOOT AROUND CAVERNOUS INTERIOR

ADORABLE KITTENS FALL HARMLESSLY OFF TABLES TO BACHMAN TURNER OVERDRIVE SONG

POP-IN-JAYS, FOPS, DANDIES MISTAKEN FOR METEROSEXUALS

TRENDY SHOPPERS REALIZE ONLY GOOD LOOKING PEOPLE IN TARGET STORE ARE ON GIANT FOAMBOARD PHOTOS

SCRUMPTIOUS TYRA BANKS, DELICIOUS PASTRAMI SANDWICH AT LOGGERHEADS

BUSH TALKED OUT OF SQUIRTING FLOWER GAG FOR QUEEN AT LAST MINUTE

ADORABLE KITTENS ORGANIZE, FORM DARLING UNION

AMERICAN IDOL TALENT THWARTED BY NAUSEATING MATERIAL

YALE CONFESSES: WE'LL LET IN ANY SNOT-NOSED ASSWIPE WITH SUPERWEALTH AND CONNECTIONS

DA VINCI PAINTING, RICH IN HIDDEN SYMBOLISM, REVEALS PASSING INTEREST IN CROP ROTATION

CONCEPTUAL ARTIST TOO LAZY TO STAND STILL, BELCH, ISSUE VIDEO DOCUMENTATION

OUT-OF-CONTROL ALCOHOLIC REACHES 13TH STEP

ADORABLE KITTENS UNION WALKS: REAL CREAM, LONGER NAPS

HILTON SISTERS MATR.... MACKTI... MATICUTICLE... START GOING TO YALE

MOOSE ISSUES DENIAL THROUGH SPOKES-ELK

CABLE CHANNEL'S VAUNTED 'ATTITUDE' JUST LOUDER ANNOUNCERS, MORE RAPID EDITING

SITCOM BASED ON PROUST'S SWANN'S WAY TO FEATURE LOVABLY QUIRKY FAMILY, CRAZY NEIGHBOR, TRADING OF GOOD-NATURED INSULTS

DOGGED QUESTIONS POSTPONE NIKE 'TRIUMPH OF THE WILL' CAMPAIGN

ADORABLE KITTENS STRIKE ERUPTS IN VIOLENCE: AIR PAWED, RUG SCRATCHED, YARN TANGLED, MEWING REPORTED DEAFENING

JESSICA SIMPSON ANGRILY RESPONDS SHE IS NOT HALF AS DUMB AS TWO BOXES OF HAIR

SUV SOILED

DOJ: KEN LAY NOT GUILTY BY REASON OF WEALTH

TAPE OF SENATOR LIEBERMAN'S VOICE USED TO DRIVE TERMITES FROM APARTMENT BUILDING

BREAK IN ADORABLE KITTENS' STRIKE AS LEAD UNION NEGOTIATORS DISTRACTED BY TOY MOUSE, ACCEPT HEAD SCRITCHES

ETHAN HAWKE REPORTEDLY STILL BANGING CANADIAN GIRLFRIEND AS WELL AS OWN HEAD ON WALL

FRIENDS CANNOT DISSUADE STEPHEN SEGALL FROM "OPHELIA" ROLE

STEPHEN KING COMPARES SELF TO WRITER

SIEGFRIED TIGER SELLING EXTENDED WARRANTIES AT CIRCUIT CITY

BUSH NOW CONVINCED ASIA NO LONGER COUNTRY

SAN FRANCISCO NEIGHBORHOOD DISCOVERS BUILDING CODE REQUIRES GINGERBREAD

ADORABLE KITTENS SETTLE FOR INCREASED ATTENTION, RETURN TO LAPS

[ Fri Dec 05, 07:43:44 PM


NOKBOR 7: NEW U.S. SPACE INITIATIVE PITIFUL SCHEME OF PUNY HUMAN INTELLECTS

KRIS KRINGLE JUST NOT IN THE MOOD

BUSH "CAN'T RECALL" EXACT MOMENT OF BECOMING WORST U.S. PRESIDENT

INDUSTRY GROUP TOUTS ROBOT CONSUMERS: NEVER TIRE OF BUYING

SURGERY WAITING ROOM LACKS NON-DAIRY CREAMER

GOVERNMENT, VEGAN, ATKINS DIET GROUPS REACH CONSENSUS ON AVOCADO SLICES

GALA DERIDED AS HOOPLA

FIRE ALARM PROBABLY JUST NOTHING

STREET HIPPIE OFFERS AFTERNOON TEA SERVICE

BAPTIST SERIOUSLY UNNERVED BY ATTRACTIVE, ETHNICALLY NON-SPECIFIC TRANSSEXUAL

RESPECTED ARTIST CAN THINK OF 'NO REAL GOOD USE' FOR HUNDREDS OF DIFFERENT COLORED FELT-TIP PENS

RECIPIENT OF OVERNIGHT EXPRESS PACKAGE CONTAINING BONUS FOLDING CHAIR FROM CREDIT CARD COMPANY REALLY COULD HAVE WAITED

VIDEO DIRECTOR CONFUSES OWN WORK WITH ART, RECEIVES SNOTTY LETTER FROM MET

PALESTINIAN MAN ADMITS WOULD PROBABLY SETTLE FOR APARTMENT AND FREE CABLE

U.S.ARMY PERPLEXED BY IRAQI RESENTMENT: HEADS SLAMMED AGAINST WALL FOR VERY GOOD REASON

NATIONAL EMPLOYMENT ANALYST HIRED BY GOP; JOBLESSNESS DECLINES BY 1.

MAN SUSPECTS WOMAN UNLIKELY TO FIND PERFECT SHOE

SELF-ADJUSTING ALL-WHEEL DRIVE, VARIABLE SUSPENSION, INTEGRATED, VOICE-CONTROLLED ONSTAR GPS NAVIGATION SYSTEM INSUFFICIENT TO COMPENSATE FOR TOTAL DRIVER CLUELESSNESS

LAST SEATTLE RESIDENT TO NOT DETEST COURTNEY LOVE REALLY BEGINNING TO WONDER SOMETIMES

B-GRADE TV CELEBRITY ENDORSES HOOKED-ON-PHONICS; GRADE DROPS TO C.


[ Fri Dec 05, 12:42:44 AM


VOLCANO EMITS PLEASANT BANANA-LIKE ODOR

AP: REUTERS BITES

STYLISH, ATTRACTIVE COUPLE DISCUSSING HOT SEX UNACCOUNTABLY DORKY

DRIVING SQUIRREL CAN'T FIND KEYS

ASSHOLE CALLS KETTLE "ASSHOLE"

ORGAN FED UP: G.O.P. HEAD GILLISPE STRANGLED INTERNALLY BY OWN COLON

EARTH DIAGNOSED WITH BI-POLAR DISORDER

WESTERN CIVILIZATION DECLINED AT BEST BUY

MEDIOCRE PERSONALITY MAGNIFIED BY NATIONAL MEDIA EXPOSURE

LEGENDARY KUNG-FU MASTER SPORTS INEXPENSIVE TOUPEE

NOSTRILS OF DISCOVERY LEAST POPULAR IMAX FILM

EX-PUNK, 37, CATCHES SELF CALLING PUNKS "DAMN PUNKS"

TV FAMILY MAY EXPERIENCE CHRISTMAS MIRACLE

OLD NAVY DEBUTS CONTROVERSIAL THIGH-HUGGERS

ASTROPHYSICIST LOCATES TOOTHPASTE

BRITANNY SPEARS KICKED OUT OF BED: SALTINES

STONED TEENS LEARN CAPITAL OF THAILAND: GIGGLE FIT ENTERS 17th HOUR

MADAGASCAR COUPLE DISPUTES CELINE DION'S ARTISTIC MERIT

OWNER SIGHS AS $58,000 CAR BRINGS SINGLE FLEETING MOMENT OF CONTENTMENT

MYANMAR POLITICAL PRISONERS OUTFOX LOVABLY FOOLISH GUARDS

CONGRESS IN LITERAL UPROAR; WINDOWS BREAK, 2 HOSPITALIZED, HOWLING DISTURBS ELDERLY NEIGHBOR

GAY EXECUTIVE'S PERSONAL STRUGGLE ACTUALLY NOT PARTICULARLY DIFFICULT

ARTIST PSYCHED BY DISPROPORTIONATELY ATTRACTIVE GIRLFRIEND

WORLD RELIEF AT VOICE-ACTIVATED U.S. NUCLEAR LAUNCH CODES REQUIREMENT:
"NUCLEAR" MUST BE PRONOUNCED CORRECTLY


INTELLECTUAL ANNOYED BY SUCCESSFUL USE OF WHACK LINE AT CLUB

[ Thu Dec 04, 04:46:49 PM


PORN STAR CLITORIS LOCATED

INJURED PIRATE APPRECIATES FRUIT BASKET

WAL-MART OPENS INSIDE IDENTICAL WAL-MART: DOUBLES SPACE, HALVES WAGES

CAPTAIN AMERICA'S STRIPPER DAUGHTER, LT. HIMALAYAS, DENOUNCES NAZI HAIR SCHEME

LEMURS DUMBFOUNDED

CRYING, RED-FACED VP CHENEY LEFT TOO LONG IN FRED MEYER 'FUN PEN'

ADORABLE KITTENS PERPLEXED BY YARN

GIMMICK NORTH, SOUTH DAKOTA TRADE EMBARGO FAILS TO GENERATE SALES

SHOPPER VISITS RECORD 437 MALLS: REPORTS VAGUE SENSE OF DISSATISFACTION, ALIENATION

AMATEUR DRYLY COMIC HEADLINE WRITER PLEADS FOR INTERVENTION

DEATH METAL SINGER FIRED FROM TELEMARKETING JOB

UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN STUDY CONFIRMS CLARION, WI TEENAGE GIRL "TOTALLY LAMEST PERSON EVER"

CHINESE GOVERNMENT LEASES CULTURAL REVOLUTION COPYRIGHT TO MTV 2

CHEEKY MONKEY ASHAMED

[ Wed Dec 03, 06:23:31 PM


CANDY-ASS ALASKAN MAULED BY GUMMY BEAR

FDA RECONSIDERS 'EASY-OFF' AMPUTATION GEL

CAREFUL SEARCH OF UPPER VOLTA REVEALS 1.2 MILLION U.S. JOBS

20 YEAR TREND: AMERICAN WOMEN SOMEWHAT "HOTTER"

ANN COULTER'S MANHOOD CHALLENGED

TINY, TINY MAN BRUSHES OFF TINY, TINY, TINY MAN

DISGRUNTLED OXFORD ENGLISH DICTIONARY BITES BUSH IN ASS

FRITO-LAY CELEBRATES GREATEST AVERAGE U.S. WAISTLINE

AUGUSTUS CEASAR SUES U.S: TRADE SECRETS

TALK SHOW DEGENERATES INTO REASONED DISCOURSE

COMPUTER OPERATOR REPLACED BY COMPUTER-OPERATING ROBOT

NATIONAL DEFICIT ACCUSED OF CHILD MOLESTATION

WASTE DISPOSAL ISSUE DERAILS ATOMIC WEDGIE

BOEING FORCED TO SHELVE BATTLESTAR GALACTICA

COURTNEY LOVE "JONESING" FOR MACRAME

[ Tue Dec 02, 05:37:27 PM

BATMAN: ASHCROFT "PRUNE-FACED TURBO-NAZI"

MANIC-DEPRESSIVE FEELING "SO-SO"

PARIS HILTON NARROWLY MISSES BEING IGNORED

FOX CRAWLER MISSPELLS "PINKO"

NOBEL ECON. LAUREATE AWARDED 50 "BONUS BUCKS"

JACKSON LAWYER REVERSES DENIAL, CONDEMNS ADMISSION

BUSH SAYS BELGIANS "COULDN'T BE MORE GAY."

NEW QUANTUM DIET: BODY CAN'T LOCATE CALORIES

HEE-HAW RADIO HOST REPLACES KORN SINGER ON TOUR



SO-CALLED 'TIME-LOZENGE' INDUCES P-51 ATTACK ON NORTH BEACH

[ Sun Nov 30, 11:49:13 PM

OVERSIGHT DEFINES MARRIAGE AS BETWEEN MAN AND SUPERMAN

'NEW' FLU SUFFERERS SUFFER 'FLU-LIKE' SYMPTOMS

"HOT" WOMAN'S "POLITE" REFUSAL INSUFFICIENT TO DISSUADE MASTURBATORY EPISODE

GENES DRIFT FROM CORNFIELD TO RANCH- ALL-BEEF POPCORN PRONOUNCED TASTY

AMERICAN MILITARY POWER SECRETLY RESENTED

PREZ KENNEDY ZOMBIE INQUIRES ABOUT SCHWARZENEGGER BRAINS

WEATHER BLITHELY ANTICIPATED