WORLD ECONOMY NEAR COLLAPSE AS EXECS, ASSISTANTS TIRE OF MAKING BUSINESS PRESENTATIONS TO EACH OTHER

BIN LADEN NABBED AFTER U.S. PSYCH-OUT WITH INSINCERE 'OLLY, OLLY OXEN FREE.'

PENTAGON ANNOUNCES MASSIVE 'OBSESSIVE CLEANING' PROGRAM

CEMENT TRUCKS SECRETLY FILLED WITH MARGARITAS

IN REVOLTING DEVELOPMENT, NORTON LOSES THE LOTTERY TICKET

SYSCO, U.S. MARKETER OF QUALITY ASSURED FOODSERVICE PRODUCTS, ANNOUNCE MERGER OF "NOMENCLATURAL CONVIENIENCE" WITH CISCO SYSTEMS- ALSO IN TALKS WITH COSTCO

HIPPIE WHO CONTROLS SOFTWARE COMPANY FIRES ALL OTHER HIPPIES

ARTICULATED BUS MUM

TERRORIST DISGUISED GRENADES AS DOUBLE HALF-CAF SOY LATTES

FLORIDA NO LONGER NATIONAL ASSET, OFFERED GRATIS TO CUBA

NEW COMEDY EYEWEAR ALLOWS TED STEVENS' EARS TO EMIT STEAM

LAURA BUSH TRIPS INTO CEMENT WALL, SHATTERS INTO A ZILLION PIECES

NEW $20 BILLION ANTI-BALLASTIC MISSILE SYSTEM IN DELTA JUNCTION ALASKA RATED "GO" TO MAYBE POSSIBLY STOP NORTH KOREAN ATTACK ON YAKUTAT

DISCRETE ORDER BANS BUSH FROM WINDSOR CASTLE, BUCKINGHAM PALACE

COSTCO APARTMENTS OBVIATE NEED TO LEAVE STORE

IN SUDDEN U.N. MOVE, 15,000 SWEDISH MASSAGE THERAPISTS PARACHUTED INTO WEST BANK

"IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE" RE-EDITED TO FEATURE BANK OF AMERICA

SEINFELD ORGANIZES SURPRISE SPECIAL OPS LANDING IN CUBA

CHILDHOOD FRIEND OF RUMSFELD CLAIMS HE WAS WORST PLAYER OF HIDE AND SEEK EVER - COULD BE DODGED FOR WEEKS

TINY, SHRIVELED, ELDERLY BUZZ SAW-VOICE MAN FOUND WANDERING HOUSTON SUBURB I.D.'ED AS ROSS PEROT

DRAG QUEEN CONSIDERS IMPERSONATING CELEBRITY

$300 MILLION EFFORT MILDLY DIVERTING FOR 57 OF 96 MINUTES

NATIONAL ARCHIVES RESTORATION OF ORIGINAL U.S. CONSTUTION SEEMS TO BE MISSING 1ST, 4TH, 5TH AND 14TH AMENDMENTS;SUSPICIOUS AREAS COVERED CRUDELY IN MASKING TAPE

WOMAN CONFUSES MAN, MAN PLOTS REVENGE, REVERSE CYCLE EXPECTED

MAN WOULD RATHER SIT IN CHAIR, BANG ON THE BONGOS

FRIENDS HOPING UNCLE SAM WILL GET OFF THE JUICE

SEATTLE ARTIST AMAZINGLY MISTAKEN IN PREDICTION FOR LIGHT FLU SEASON

LIMBAUGH NOW SUCKING THUMB, WON'T STOP

IF HUMANS DESTROY THEMSELVES, OTTERS PERFECTLY WILLING TO TAKE OVER JOKE-TELLING RESPONSIBILITIES

REDMOND STARBUCKS LOCATIONS NOW CROWDING MICROSOFT

GATES REASSURES SHAREHOLDERS IMPRESSIVE CHARITABLE EFFORTS WILL NOT DISTRACT FROM EVIL SCHEMES

SADAAM: "THEY'LL NEVER LOOK IN HERE."

NADER MAY ENTER RACE - TRANQUILIZER DARTS MAY ENTER NADER

BUSH GRANTS SMITHSONIAN TO SIX FLAGS

EPA RELEASES EVIL FLYING MONKEYS BACK INTO THE WILD

IRAQ, IN FIRST TEST OF DEMOCRACY, VOTES OVERWHELMING AGAINST EXPLOSIONS

$14 MILLION U.S. CULTURAL INITIATIVE NEARLY COMPLETE IN ERADICATING MEMORY OF PAULY SHORE

RENNAISSANCE FAIR GOERS HOSPITALIZED WITH MOCK BLACK PLAGUE