S.F. BLACKOUT PANEL FINGERS EXPERIMENTAL DILDOTRON 6000

Cheney Energy Plan to Phase in Boy-Loaded Plutonium Log Furnaces by 2008

Cat of a Thousand Faces Passes Guards as Lugubrious Pekinese

Employment Trend: Pimps Outwhoring to Bangalore

Meg Ryan Cuteness Resources Stretched Dangeously Thin

Big Lummox's Hummus Flumoxed

Treeless Logging Town Now Growing Hemp to "Log"

Shut Up, Liv Tyler's Talkin' Elvish

Adorable Kittens Consider Plan to Suddenly Bound Across the Room and Climb Up the Curtains

The Hamster: Not Okay with the Plan

Van Gogh's Potato Eaters to 'Go Atkins'

Writer Ryhmes 'Orange' and 'Whore-Grunge,' Appointed U.S. Poet Laureate

Court Orders Lake Trout Apprised of Rights

Racing Slug Hauls Long Slimy Ass

CNN Headline Writer Asking Rudi Bahktiar Out: How About Thursday?

Ian McKellen to Hygenist: You Shall Not Floss

Real Estate Pressures Force Greenspan to Restrict Supply of Monopoly Money

Doctors at Bethesda Naval Hospital OK Bush's Knees; Overall Diagnosis: Healthy but Dumb as a Bucket of Pea-Gravel

Washington State Now Just Going by "Martha"

Sabateurs Suspected In Sabotage

Manageable Goals Revolutionaries T.P. GOP