[Saturday December 6th, 2003 07:38:02 PM]
JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE USED TO CLEAR MINEFIELD
MOB MUSCLES IN ON WOODLAND CREATURES
INQUISITIVE AUSTRIAN GORED BY RARE HORNED KOALA
GABRIEL GARCIA MARQUEZ CONSTANTLY PESTERED BY NOISY, PUSHY NEIGHBORS
UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN PHILOSOPHY REVIEW: PLATO KIND OF A DICK
SILVER SURFER CONTACTS PRESIDENT WITH EMERGENCY SPACE KO-AN:
"You are the 3 sounds made
by the falling car keys of America
as they plunge through the sewage grate
of national being."
HILTON SISTERS BOLSTER CASE FOR STEEP NEW INHERITANCE TAX
IMPERFECT STORM MOISTENS PARKING LOT
ANONYMOUS TIPSTER FINGERS PREVIOUS ANONYMOUS TIPSTER
11 YEAR OLD: WAR GAME MAKES WAR LOOK FUN
JUDGE RULES 1000S OF MURDERERS FREED: LIBERAL WHIMSY
NASA TEEN EDUC PROGRAM'S ATTEMPT TO SOUND COOL FALLS FLAT
NEW LINCOLN NAVIGATOR EQUIPPED WITH SEGWAY TO SCOOT AROUND CAVERNOUS INTERIOR
ADORABLE KITTENS FALL HARMLESSLY OFF TABLES TO BACHMAN TURNER OVERDRIVE SONG
POP-IN-JAYS, FOPS, DANDIES MISTAKEN FOR METEROSEXUALS
TRENDY SHOPPERS REALIZE ONLY GOOD LOOKING PEOPLE IN TARGET STORE ARE ON GIANT FOAMBOARD PHOTOS
SCRUMPTIOUS TYRA BANKS, DELICIOUS PASTRAMI SANDWICH AT LOGGERHEADS
BUSH TALKED OUT OF SQUIRTING FLOWER GAG FOR QUEEN AT LAST MINUTE
ADORABLE KITTENS ORGANIZE, FORM DARLING UNION
AMERICAN IDOL TALENT THWARTED BY NAUSEATING MATERIAL
YALE CONFESSES: WE'LL LET IN ANY SNOT-NOSED ASSWIPE WITH SUPERWEALTH AND CONNECTIONS
DA VINCI PAINTING, RICH IN HIDDEN SYMBOLISM, REVEALS PASSING INTEREST IN CROP ROTATION
CONCEPTUAL ARTIST TOO LAZY TO STAND STILL, BELCH, ISSUE VIDEO DOCUMENTATION
OUT-OF-CONTROL ALCOHOLIC REACHES 13TH STEP
ADORABLE KITTENS UNION WALKS: REAL CREAM, LONGER NAPS
HILTON SISTERS MATR.... MACKTI... MATICUTICLE... START GOING TO YALE
MOOSE ISSUES DENIAL THROUGH SPOKES-ELK
CABLE CHANNEL'S VAUNTED 'ATTITUDE' JUST LOUDER ANNOUNCERS, MORE RAPID EDITING
SITCOM BASED ON PROUST'S SWANN'S WAY TO FEATURE LOVABLY QUIRKY FAMILY, CRAZY NEIGHBOR, TRADING OF GOOD-NATURED INSULTS
DOGGED QUESTIONS POSTPONE NIKE 'TRIUMPH OF THE WILL' CAMPAIGN
ADORABLE KITTENS STRIKE ERUPTS IN VIOLENCE: AIR PAWED, RUG SCRATCHED, YARN TANGLED, MEWING REPORTED DEAFENING
JESSICA SIMPSON ANGRILY RESPONDS SHE IS NOT HALF AS DUMB AS TWO BOXES OF HAIR
SUV SOILED
DOJ: KEN LAY NOT GUILTY BY REASON OF WEALTH
TAPE OF SENATOR LIEBERMAN'S VOICE USED TO DRIVE TERMITES FROM APARTMENT BUILDING
BREAK IN ADORABLE KITTENS' STRIKE AS LEAD UNION NEGOTIATORS DISTRACTED BY TOY MOUSE, ACCEPT HEAD SCRITCHES
ETHAN HAWKE REPORTEDLY STILL BANGING CANADIAN GIRLFRIEND AS WELL AS OWN HEAD ON WALL
FRIENDS CANNOT DISSUADE STEPHEN SEGALL FROM "OPHELIA" ROLE
STEPHEN KING COMPARES SELF TO WRITER
SIEGFRIED TIGER SELLING EXTENDED WARRANTIES AT CIRCUIT CITY
BUSH NOW CONVINCED ASIA NO LONGER COUNTRY
SAN FRANCISCO NEIGHBORHOOD DISCOVERS BUILDING CODE REQUIRES GINGERBREAD
ADORABLE KITTENS SETTLE FOR INCREASED ATTENTION, RETURN TO LAPS
[ Fri Dec 05, 07:43:44 PM
NOKBOR 7: NEW U.S. SPACE INITIATIVE PITIFUL SCHEME OF PUNY HUMAN INTELLECTS
KRIS KRINGLE JUST NOT IN THE MOOD
BUSH "CAN'T RECALL" EXACT MOMENT OF BECOMING WORST U.S. PRESIDENT
INDUSTRY GROUP TOUTS ROBOT CONSUMERS: NEVER TIRE OF BUYING
SURGERY WAITING ROOM LACKS NON-DAIRY CREAMER
GOVERNMENT, VEGAN, ATKINS DIET GROUPS REACH CONSENSUS ON AVOCADO SLICES
GALA DERIDED AS HOOPLA
FIRE ALARM PROBABLY JUST NOTHING
STREET HIPPIE OFFERS AFTERNOON TEA SERVICE
BAPTIST SERIOUSLY UNNERVED BY ATTRACTIVE, ETHNICALLY NON-SPECIFIC TRANSSEXUAL
RESPECTED ARTIST CAN THINK OF 'NO REAL GOOD USE' FOR HUNDREDS OF DIFFERENT COLORED FELT-TIP PENS
RECIPIENT OF OVERNIGHT EXPRESS PACKAGE CONTAINING BONUS FOLDING CHAIR FROM CREDIT CARD COMPANY REALLY COULD HAVE WAITED
VIDEO DIRECTOR CONFUSES OWN WORK WITH ART, RECEIVES SNOTTY LETTER FROM MET
PALESTINIAN MAN ADMITS WOULD PROBABLY SETTLE FOR APARTMENT AND FREE CABLE
U.S.ARMY PERPLEXED BY IRAQI RESENTMENT: HEADS SLAMMED AGAINST WALL FOR VERY GOOD REASON
NATIONAL EMPLOYMENT ANALYST HIRED BY GOP; JOBLESSNESS DECLINES BY 1.
MAN SUSPECTS WOMAN UNLIKELY TO FIND PERFECT SHOE
SELF-ADJUSTING ALL-WHEEL DRIVE, VARIABLE SUSPENSION, INTEGRATED, VOICE-CONTROLLED ONSTAR GPS NAVIGATION SYSTEM INSUFFICIENT TO COMPENSATE FOR TOTAL DRIVER CLUELESSNESS
LAST SEATTLE RESIDENT TO NOT DETEST COURTNEY LOVE REALLY BEGINNING TO WONDER SOMETIMES
B-GRADE TV CELEBRITY ENDORSES HOOKED-ON-PHONICS; GRADE DROPS TO C.
[ Fri Dec 05, 12:42:44 AM
VOLCANO EMITS PLEASANT BANANA-LIKE ODOR
AP: REUTERS BITES
STYLISH, ATTRACTIVE COUPLE DISCUSSING HOT SEX UNACCOUNTABLY DORKY
DRIVING SQUIRREL CAN'T FIND KEYS
ASSHOLE CALLS KETTLE "ASSHOLE"
ORGAN FED UP: G.O.P. HEAD GILLISPE STRANGLED INTERNALLY BY OWN COLON
EARTH DIAGNOSED WITH BI-POLAR DISORDER
WESTERN CIVILIZATION DECLINED AT BEST BUY
MEDIOCRE PERSONALITY MAGNIFIED BY NATIONAL MEDIA EXPOSURE
LEGENDARY KUNG-FU MASTER SPORTS INEXPENSIVE TOUPEE
NOSTRILS OF DISCOVERY LEAST POPULAR IMAX FILM
EX-PUNK, 37, CATCHES SELF CALLING PUNKS "DAMN PUNKS"
TV FAMILY MAY EXPERIENCE CHRISTMAS MIRACLE
OLD NAVY DEBUTS CONTROVERSIAL THIGH-HUGGERS
ASTROPHYSICIST LOCATES TOOTHPASTE
BRITANNY SPEARS KICKED OUT OF BED: SALTINES
STONED TEENS LEARN CAPITAL OF THAILAND: GIGGLE FIT ENTERS 17th HOUR
MADAGASCAR COUPLE DISPUTES CELINE DION'S ARTISTIC MERIT
OWNER SIGHS AS $58,000 CAR BRINGS SINGLE FLEETING MOMENT OF CONTENTMENT
MYANMAR POLITICAL PRISONERS OUTFOX LOVABLY FOOLISH GUARDS
CONGRESS IN LITERAL UPROAR; WINDOWS BREAK, 2 HOSPITALIZED, HOWLING DISTURBS ELDERLY NEIGHBOR
GAY EXECUTIVE'S PERSONAL STRUGGLE ACTUALLY NOT PARTICULARLY DIFFICULT
ARTIST PSYCHED BY DISPROPORTIONATELY ATTRACTIVE GIRLFRIEND
WORLD RELIEF AT VOICE-ACTIVATED U.S. NUCLEAR LAUNCH CODES REQUIREMENT:
"NUCLEAR" MUST BE PRONOUNCED CORRECTLY
INTELLECTUAL ANNOYED BY SUCCESSFUL USE OF WHACK LINE AT CLUB
[ Thu Dec 04, 04:46:49 PM
PORN STAR CLITORIS LOCATED
INJURED PIRATE APPRECIATES FRUIT BASKET
WAL-MART OPENS INSIDE IDENTICAL WAL-MART: DOUBLES SPACE, HALVES WAGES
CAPTAIN AMERICA'S STRIPPER DAUGHTER, LT. HIMALAYAS, DENOUNCES NAZI HAIR SCHEME
LEMURS DUMBFOUNDED
CRYING, RED-FACED VP CHENEY LEFT TOO LONG IN FRED MEYER 'FUN PEN'
ADORABLE KITTENS PERPLEXED BY YARN
GIMMICK NORTH, SOUTH DAKOTA TRADE EMBARGO FAILS TO GENERATE SALES
SHOPPER VISITS RECORD 437 MALLS: REPORTS VAGUE SENSE OF DISSATISFACTION, ALIENATION
AMATEUR DRYLY COMIC HEADLINE WRITER PLEADS FOR INTERVENTION
DEATH METAL SINGER FIRED FROM TELEMARKETING JOB
UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN STUDY CONFIRMS CLARION, WI TEENAGE GIRL "TOTALLY LAMEST PERSON EVER"
CHINESE GOVERNMENT LEASES CULTURAL REVOLUTION COPYRIGHT TO MTV 2
CHEEKY MONKEY ASHAMED
[ Wed Dec 03, 06:23:31 PM
CANDY-ASS ALASKAN MAULED BY GUMMY BEAR
FDA RECONSIDERS 'EASY-OFF' AMPUTATION GEL
CAREFUL SEARCH OF UPPER VOLTA REVEALS 1.2 MILLION U.S. JOBS
20 YEAR TREND: AMERICAN WOMEN SOMEWHAT "HOTTER"
ANN COULTER'S MANHOOD CHALLENGED
TINY, TINY MAN BRUSHES OFF TINY, TINY, TINY MAN
DISGRUNTLED OXFORD ENGLISH DICTIONARY BITES BUSH IN ASS
FRITO-LAY CELEBRATES GREATEST AVERAGE U.S. WAISTLINE
AUGUSTUS CEASAR SUES U.S: TRADE SECRETS
TALK SHOW DEGENERATES INTO REASONED DISCOURSE
COMPUTER OPERATOR REPLACED BY COMPUTER-OPERATING ROBOT
NATIONAL DEFICIT ACCUSED OF CHILD MOLESTATION
WASTE DISPOSAL ISSUE DERAILS ATOMIC WEDGIE
BOEING FORCED TO SHELVE BATTLESTAR GALACTICA
COURTNEY LOVE "JONESING" FOR MACRAME
[ Tue Dec 02, 05:37:27 PM
BATMAN: ASHCROFT "PRUNE-FACED TURBO-NAZI"
MANIC-DEPRESSIVE FEELING "SO-SO"
PARIS HILTON NARROWLY MISSES BEING IGNORED
FOX CRAWLER MISSPELLS "PINKO"
NOBEL ECON. LAUREATE AWARDED 50 "BONUS BUCKS"
JACKSON LAWYER REVERSES DENIAL, CONDEMNS ADMISSION
BUSH SAYS BELGIANS "COULDN'T BE MORE GAY."
NEW QUANTUM DIET: BODY CAN'T LOCATE CALORIES
HEE-HAW RADIO HOST REPLACES KORN SINGER ON TOUR
SO-CALLED 'TIME-LOZENGE' INDUCES P-51 ATTACK ON NORTH BEACH
[ Sun Nov 30, 11:49:13 PM
OVERSIGHT DEFINES MARRIAGE AS BETWEEN MAN AND SUPERMAN
'NEW' FLU SUFFERERS SUFFER 'FLU-LIKE' SYMPTOMS
"HOT" WOMAN'S "POLITE" REFUSAL INSUFFICIENT TO DISSUADE MASTURBATORY EPISODE
GENES DRIFT FROM CORNFIELD TO RANCH- ALL-BEEF POPCORN PRONOUNCED TASTY
AMERICAN MILITARY POWER SECRETLY RESENTED
PREZ KENNEDY ZOMBIE INQUIRES ABOUT SCHWARZENEGGER BRAINS
WEATHER BLITHELY ANTICIPATED
