Sunday, December 07, 2003

[Saturday December 6th, 2003 07:38:02 PM]

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE USED TO CLEAR MINEFIELD


MOB MUSCLES IN ON WOODLAND CREATURES

INQUISITIVE AUSTRIAN GORED BY RARE HORNED KOALA

GABRIEL GARCIA MARQUEZ CONSTANTLY PESTERED BY NOISY, PUSHY NEIGHBORS

UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN PHILOSOPHY REVIEW: PLATO KIND OF A DICK

SILVER SURFER CONTACTS PRESIDENT WITH EMERGENCY SPACE KO-AN:
"You are the 3 sounds made
by the falling car keys of America
as they plunge through the sewage grate
of national being."

HILTON SISTERS BOLSTER CASE FOR STEEP NEW INHERITANCE TAX

IMPERFECT STORM MOISTENS PARKING LOT

ANONYMOUS TIPSTER FINGERS PREVIOUS ANONYMOUS TIPSTER

11 YEAR OLD: WAR GAME MAKES WAR LOOK FUN

JUDGE RULES 1000S OF MURDERERS FREED: LIBERAL WHIMSY

NASA TEEN EDUC PROGRAM'S ATTEMPT TO SOUND COOL FALLS FLAT

NEW LINCOLN NAVIGATOR EQUIPPED WITH SEGWAY TO SCOOT AROUND CAVERNOUS INTERIOR

ADORABLE KITTENS FALL HARMLESSLY OFF TABLES TO BACHMAN TURNER OVERDRIVE SONG

POP-IN-JAYS, FOPS, DANDIES MISTAKEN FOR METEROSEXUALS

TRENDY SHOPPERS REALIZE ONLY GOOD LOOKING PEOPLE IN TARGET STORE ARE ON GIANT FOAMBOARD PHOTOS

SCRUMPTIOUS TYRA BANKS, DELICIOUS PASTRAMI SANDWICH AT LOGGERHEADS

BUSH TALKED OUT OF SQUIRTING FLOWER GAG FOR QUEEN AT LAST MINUTE

ADORABLE KITTENS ORGANIZE, FORM DARLING UNION

AMERICAN IDOL TALENT THWARTED BY NAUSEATING MATERIAL

YALE CONFESSES: WE'LL LET IN ANY SNOT-NOSED ASSWIPE WITH SUPERWEALTH AND CONNECTIONS

DA VINCI PAINTING, RICH IN HIDDEN SYMBOLISM, REVEALS PASSING INTEREST IN CROP ROTATION

CONCEPTUAL ARTIST TOO LAZY TO STAND STILL, BELCH, ISSUE VIDEO DOCUMENTATION

OUT-OF-CONTROL ALCOHOLIC REACHES 13TH STEP

ADORABLE KITTENS UNION WALKS: REAL CREAM, LONGER NAPS

HILTON SISTERS MATR.... MACKTI... MATICUTICLE... START GOING TO YALE

MOOSE ISSUES DENIAL THROUGH SPOKES-ELK

CABLE CHANNEL'S VAUNTED 'ATTITUDE' JUST LOUDER ANNOUNCERS, MORE RAPID EDITING

SITCOM BASED ON PROUST'S SWANN'S WAY TO FEATURE LOVABLY QUIRKY FAMILY, CRAZY NEIGHBOR, TRADING OF GOOD-NATURED INSULTS

DOGGED QUESTIONS POSTPONE NIKE 'TRIUMPH OF THE WILL' CAMPAIGN

ADORABLE KITTENS STRIKE ERUPTS IN VIOLENCE: AIR PAWED, RUG SCRATCHED, YARN TANGLED, MEWING REPORTED DEAFENING

JESSICA SIMPSON ANGRILY RESPONDS SHE IS NOT HALF AS DUMB AS TWO BOXES OF HAIR

SUV SOILED

DOJ: KEN LAY NOT GUILTY BY REASON OF WEALTH

TAPE OF SENATOR LIEBERMAN'S VOICE USED TO DRIVE TERMITES FROM APARTMENT BUILDING

BREAK IN ADORABLE KITTENS' STRIKE AS LEAD UNION NEGOTIATORS DISTRACTED BY TOY MOUSE, ACCEPT HEAD SCRITCHES

ETHAN HAWKE REPORTEDLY STILL BANGING CANADIAN GIRLFRIEND AS WELL AS OWN HEAD ON WALL

FRIENDS CANNOT DISSUADE STEPHEN SEGALL FROM "OPHELIA" ROLE

STEPHEN KING COMPARES SELF TO WRITER

SIEGFRIED TIGER SELLING EXTENDED WARRANTIES AT CIRCUIT CITY

BUSH NOW CONVINCED ASIA NO LONGER COUNTRY

SAN FRANCISCO NEIGHBORHOOD DISCOVERS BUILDING CODE REQUIRES GINGERBREAD

ADORABLE KITTENS SETTLE FOR INCREASED ATTENTION, RETURN TO LAPS

[ Fri Dec 05, 07:43:44 PM


NOKBOR 7: NEW U.S. SPACE INITIATIVE PITIFUL SCHEME OF PUNY HUMAN INTELLECTS

KRIS KRINGLE JUST NOT IN THE MOOD

BUSH "CAN'T RECALL" EXACT MOMENT OF BECOMING WORST U.S. PRESIDENT

INDUSTRY GROUP TOUTS ROBOT CONSUMERS: NEVER TIRE OF BUYING

SURGERY WAITING ROOM LACKS NON-DAIRY CREAMER

GOVERNMENT, VEGAN, ATKINS DIET GROUPS REACH CONSENSUS ON AVOCADO SLICES

GALA DERIDED AS HOOPLA

FIRE ALARM PROBABLY JUST NOTHING

STREET HIPPIE OFFERS AFTERNOON TEA SERVICE

BAPTIST SERIOUSLY UNNERVED BY ATTRACTIVE, ETHNICALLY NON-SPECIFIC TRANSSEXUAL

RESPECTED ARTIST CAN THINK OF 'NO REAL GOOD USE' FOR HUNDREDS OF DIFFERENT COLORED FELT-TIP PENS

RECIPIENT OF OVERNIGHT EXPRESS PACKAGE CONTAINING BONUS FOLDING CHAIR FROM CREDIT CARD COMPANY REALLY COULD HAVE WAITED

VIDEO DIRECTOR CONFUSES OWN WORK WITH ART, RECEIVES SNOTTY LETTER FROM MET

PALESTINIAN MAN ADMITS WOULD PROBABLY SETTLE FOR APARTMENT AND FREE CABLE

U.S.ARMY PERPLEXED BY IRAQI RESENTMENT: HEADS SLAMMED AGAINST WALL FOR VERY GOOD REASON

NATIONAL EMPLOYMENT ANALYST HIRED BY GOP; JOBLESSNESS DECLINES BY 1.

MAN SUSPECTS WOMAN UNLIKELY TO FIND PERFECT SHOE

SELF-ADJUSTING ALL-WHEEL DRIVE, VARIABLE SUSPENSION, INTEGRATED, VOICE-CONTROLLED ONSTAR GPS NAVIGATION SYSTEM INSUFFICIENT TO COMPENSATE FOR TOTAL DRIVER CLUELESSNESS

LAST SEATTLE RESIDENT TO NOT DETEST COURTNEY LOVE REALLY BEGINNING TO WONDER SOMETIMES

B-GRADE TV CELEBRITY ENDORSES HOOKED-ON-PHONICS; GRADE DROPS TO C.


[ Fri Dec 05, 12:42:44 AM



VOLCANO EMITS PLEASANT BANANA-LIKE ODOR

AP: REUTERS BITES

STYLISH, ATTRACTIVE COUPLE DISCUSSING HOT SEX UNACCOUNTABLY DORKY

DRIVING SQUIRREL CAN'T FIND KEYS

ASSHOLE CALLS KETTLE "ASSHOLE"

ORGAN FED UP: G.O.P. HEAD GILLISPE STRANGLED INTERNALLY BY OWN COLON

EARTH DIAGNOSED WITH BI-POLAR DISORDER

WESTERN CIVILIZATION DECLINED AT BEST BUY

MEDIOCRE PERSONALITY MAGNIFIED BY NATIONAL MEDIA EXPOSURE

LEGENDARY KUNG-FU MASTER SPORTS INEXPENSIVE TOUPEE

NOSTRILS OF DISCOVERY LEAST POPULAR IMAX FILM

EX-PUNK, 37, CATCHES SELF CALLING PUNKS "DAMN PUNKS"

TV FAMILY MAY EXPERIENCE CHRISTMAS MIRACLE

OLD NAVY DEBUTS CONTROVERSIAL THIGH-HUGGERS

ASTROPHYSICIST LOCATES TOOTHPASTE

BRITANNY SPEARS KICKED OUT OF BED: SALTINES

STONED TEENS LEARN CAPITAL OF THAILAND: GIGGLE FIT ENTERS 17th HOUR

MADAGASCAR COUPLE DISPUTES CELINE DION'S ARTISTIC MERIT

OWNER SIGHS AS $58,000 CAR BRINGS SINGLE FLEETING MOMENT OF CONTENTMENT

MYANMAR POLITICAL PRISONERS OUTFOX LOVABLY FOOLISH GUARDS

CONGRESS IN LITERAL UPROAR; WINDOWS BREAK, 2 HOSPITALIZED, HOWLING DISTURBS ELDERLY NEIGHBOR

GAY EXECUTIVE'S PERSONAL STRUGGLE ACTUALLY NOT PARTICULARLY DIFFICULT

ARTIST PSYCHED BY DISPROPORTIONATELY ATTRACTIVE GIRLFRIEND

WORLD RELIEF AT VOICE-ACTIVATED U.S. NUCLEAR LAUNCH CODES REQUIREMENT:
"NUCLEAR" MUST BE PRONOUNCED CORRECTLY


INTELLECTUAL ANNOYED BY SUCCESSFUL USE OF WHACK LINE AT CLUB

[ Thu Dec 04, 04:46:49 PM


PORN STAR CLITORIS LOCATED

INJURED PIRATE APPRECIATES FRUIT BASKET

WAL-MART OPENS INSIDE IDENTICAL WAL-MART: DOUBLES SPACE, HALVES WAGES

CAPTAIN AMERICA'S STRIPPER DAUGHTER, LT. HIMALAYAS, DENOUNCES NAZI HAIR SCHEME

LEMURS DUMBFOUNDED

CRYING, RED-FACED VP CHENEY LEFT TOO LONG IN FRED MEYER 'FUN PEN'

ADORABLE KITTENS PERPLEXED BY YARN

GIMMICK NORTH, SOUTH DAKOTA TRADE EMBARGO FAILS TO GENERATE SALES

SHOPPER VISITS RECORD 437 MALLS: REPORTS VAGUE SENSE OF DISSATISFACTION, ALIENATION

AMATEUR DRYLY COMIC HEADLINE WRITER PLEADS FOR INTERVENTION

DEATH METAL SINGER FIRED FROM TELEMARKETING JOB

UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN STUDY CONFIRMS CLARION, WI TEENAGE GIRL "TOTALLY LAMEST PERSON EVER"

CHINESE GOVERNMENT LEASES CULTURAL REVOLUTION COPYRIGHT TO MTV 2

CHEEKY MONKEY ASHAMED

[ Wed Dec 03, 06:23:31 PM



CANDY-ASS ALASKAN MAULED BY GUMMY BEAR


FDA RECONSIDERS 'EASY-OFF' AMPUTATION GEL

CAREFUL SEARCH OF UPPER VOLTA REVEALS 1.2 MILLION U.S. JOBS

20 YEAR TREND: AMERICAN WOMEN SOMEWHAT "HOTTER"

ANN COULTER'S MANHOOD CHALLENGED

TINY, TINY MAN BRUSHES OFF TINY, TINY, TINY MAN

DISGRUNTLED OXFORD ENGLISH DICTIONARY BITES BUSH IN ASS

FRITO-LAY CELEBRATES GREATEST AVERAGE U.S. WAISTLINE

AUGUSTUS CEASAR SUES U.S: TRADE SECRETS

TALK SHOW DEGENERATES INTO REASONED DISCOURSE

COMPUTER OPERATOR REPLACED BY COMPUTER-OPERATING ROBOT

NATIONAL DEFICIT ACCUSED OF CHILD MOLESTATION

WASTE DISPOSAL ISSUE DERAILS ATOMIC WEDGIE

BOEING FORCED TO SHELVE BATTLESTAR GALACTICA

COURTNEY LOVE "JONESING" FOR MACRAME

[ Tue Dec 02, 05:37:27 PM

BATMAN: ASHCROFT "PRUNE-FACED TURBO-NAZI"


MANIC-DEPRESSIVE FEELING "SO-SO"

PARIS HILTON NARROWLY MISSES BEING IGNORED

FOX CRAWLER MISSPELLS "PINKO"

NOBEL ECON. LAUREATE AWARDED 50 "BONUS BUCKS"

JACKSON LAWYER REVERSES DENIAL, CONDEMNS ADMISSION

BUSH SAYS BELGIANS "COULDN'T BE MORE GAY."

NEW QUANTUM DIET: BODY CAN'T LOCATE CALORIES

HEE-HAW RADIO HOST REPLACES KORN SINGER ON TOUR



SO-CALLED 'TIME-LOZENGE' INDUCES P-51 ATTACK ON NORTH BEACH

[ Sun Nov 30, 11:49:13 PM


OVERSIGHT DEFINES MARRIAGE AS BETWEEN MAN AND SUPERMAN

'NEW' FLU SUFFERERS SUFFER 'FLU-LIKE' SYMPTOMS

"HOT" WOMAN'S "POLITE" REFUSAL INSUFFICIENT TO DISSUADE MASTURBATORY EPISODE

GENES DRIFT FROM CORNFIELD TO RANCH- ALL-BEEF POPCORN PRONOUNCED TASTY

AMERICAN MILITARY POWER SECRETLY RESENTED

PREZ KENNEDY ZOMBIE INQUIRES ABOUT SCHWARZENEGGER BRAINS

WEATHER BLITHELY ANTICIPATED