Soldiers in Bagdad Raid Porn Shop, Locate Weapons of Ass Instruction Video

In Compromise Over Reagan Dime, US Mints $500 Billion Coin; 12 Produced for Deficit

Karl Rove Suffers Concussion; Asked in Hospital Who is President Replies "Al Gore."

Seahawks Starter Sidelined for Season with Self-Esteem Issues

Columbus Discovery of America Refuted; Norway Sues for Possession.

Contract Dispute Forces Russell Crowe to Star in "The Charles Nelson Reilly Story"

Billy Tanner's Weekend Box Office Receipts:
"Cat in the Hat," $5.50 (Matinee)
"Kill Bill," $9 (Lied About Age)
"Haunted Mansion," $0 (Snuck in After "Cat,")

Would-Be S.F. GOP Mayoral Candidate Reported Depressed, Weeping Softly in Bean Bag Chair

Boeing Attempts to Lay Off 40,000 Airbus Employees

Mike Myers Carefully Avoided at Hollywood Party

Disney's "Snoop Dog's Children's Televizzle" Goes Awry

Marketing Tie-In for "SeaBiscuit" Dog-Food Canned

Defeated Energy Bill Included $250,000 Write-off for "Passenger Tanks"

CNN Crawler Spellcheck Melfunctions

Girl Aghast as Mr. Floppy Ears and Miss Whiskers Cannot Agree on Pink or Blue Ribbon

S.F. Policy Shift as Parking Tickets Issued Before Car Leaves Garage

Toddler Decides Running Around in Circles Yelling is Best

Ken Lay's Comedy Groucho Glasses Fail to Enliven Congressional Hearing

Distracted by Adorable Kitten, Little Girl Forgets Fuzzy Bunny Dispute

Temp. Worker Embezzles Net Amazon Profit, Blows it on Several Donuts

Icelandic Hip-Hop Movement Unfortunately Growing

Man Not Precisely Admiring Stylish Cut of Girl's Jeans