UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN SCIENTISTS DISCOVER U OF M FOOTBALL TEAM HAMPERED BY HIGH LEVELS OF SUCKSTOSTERONE

PETRAEUS: WE MUST STAY IN IRAQ UNTIL THE MOMENT WE ACTUALLY LEAVE IRAQ

SCARLETT JOHANSSON TIED TO KLEENEX SHORTAGE

ADORABLE KITTEN AGAIN FORGETS SOMETHING OUTSIDE

SENATE APPLAUDS IN RELATIVE RELIEF AS BUSH INTRODUCES ATTORNEY GENERAL CARROT-TOP

GO TO GUY REBUFFED BY IT GIRL

HAMPTONS AREA OPENS FIRST GATED TACO BELL

CONFIDENT SQUIRREL FEARS NO MAN

REPORT: UNSECURED IPODS PRONE TO ACCIDENTAL SWALLOWING, BUT ARE EXCRETED WITH RELATIVE EASE

HAMBURG COLLEGE STUDENT SUDDENLY WEARY OF SPEAKING GERMAN

COMING UP ON TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES TODAY: CAN THIS ORDINARY CHINESE TOOTHPASTE MAKE YOUR HAMSTERS CANNIBALS?

SUMMER THEATER PRODUCTION OF "TERMINATOR III" SENDS 18 TO HOSPITAL

PARIS JACKS IPOD IN DESPERATE METH GAMBIT

UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN STUDY: DYING SPECIES ALSO RUNNING UP HUGE CREDIT CARD DEBTS

CONTROVERSY AS ROBOT CELEBRITY ADOPTS SEATTLE BABY

"GEOMETRIC STRESS" ON TOSSERS BLAMED AS NON-EUCLIDIAN-SHAPED PIZZA SHOP CLOSES

TEEN ANGEL SUFFERS GHOST ZITS

STUDY: HDTV INCREASING AWARENESS OF POOR QUALITY TELEVISION

I.T. GUY UNABLE TO REBOOT BIRCH STICK

INDUSTRY DEFENDS LOW-LEVEL RADIOACTIVE WASTE IN DORITOS PROJECT AS FRITO-LAY ATTEMPTS TO EXPLAIN RECIPE FOR INTENSE ORANGE COLOR

BUSH SIGNING STATEMENT UNVEILED: "AS PRESIDENT, I REALLY SHOULD KNOW WHAT THIS BILL IS SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT"

INFLUENTIAL MAGICAL FAIRY RESIGNS FROM DEFENSE DEPARTMENT

50 YEARS ON, MABELINE ISSUES PRESS STATEMENT ON WHY SHE COULDN'T BE TRUE AND WENT BACK TO DOING THE THINGS SHE USED TO DO

RADICAL LABOR FRIES ATTEMPT TO ORGANIZE INTO POTATO

DAMIEN HIRST FURTHER ENCRUSTS $100m DIAMOND SKULL WITH THICK LAYER OF BEARER BONDS

POLICE BUST UP GLOBAL NERD RING

BIOLOGISTS' CONCERNS GROW AS PRESSURED ELEPHANTS BEGIN ARMING THEMSELVES

NEWS FROM ISRAEL: PALESTINIAN, JEWISH FALAFEL STANDS AGREE TO DISAGREE/h4>

APPLE RELEASES iFRIEND, WHICH IMPROVES UPON ELECTRONIC COMMUNICATIONS FROM ACTUAL FRIENDS

MAN ARRESTED FOR BRANDISHING POTATO CHIP AT BUSH

AREA PIMP MUST GO AS "HORTON" HEARS A 'HO

DIRECTOR OF CHEKOV FILM TENSES FURTHER AS PRODUCER BRINGS IN NEW EXPLOSIVES EXPERTS

UNIVERSITY OF AUSTRALIA THEOLOGY STUDY: MYSTERIOUS GATHERING OF KOALAS MAY FORESHADOW KANGAPOCOLYPSE

PRETEND MURDERER GOES "BANG!"

LEGOLAND SINKING INTO OCEAN, JUST AS LEGO ZEUS FORETOLD

CATASTROPHIC COLLAPSE OF BEE COLONIES TRACED TO SPREAD OF BEE ANARCHISM

MARINE CORPS BAND DEBUTS NEW PRESIDENTIAL FANFARE, "HAIL TO THE COMMANDER GUY"

iLIFE CONSUMER ENDS ACTUAL LIFE

UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN SCIENTISTS STUDY OF MALES REVEALS 82.6 IMAGES OF FEMALE BREASTS EQUALS APPROXIMATELY ONE VIEW OF ACTUAL FEMALE BREASTS

GLOBAL WARMING ACTION SUDDENLY URGED BY BILLIONAIRE WITH ISLAND

WIDELY BLAMED FOR DIABETES AND OBESITY, SOFT DRINKS NOW FINGERED FOR MIDDLE EAST

HOUSEWIFE IN GHANA GRATEFUL FOR LACK OF GHANA NEWS

ROBOT JOGGERS TO FREE HUMANS FROM BURDEN OF EXERCISE

ASTRONOMERS REPORT NEW EARTH-LIKE PLANET "STUFFED WITH CANDY"

UNIV. OF MICHIGAN SCIENTISTS DISCOVER NEW EAST LANSING-LIKE PLANET

MAN SEEN ABOUT HORSE

AMID WORLD TROUBLES, ASSAULTS USING TYPEWRITERS DROP SHARPLY

BUSH VISITS BALL-POINT PEN FACTORY -HUNDREDS FLEE FROM COLLAPSE, FIRE AND EXPLOSION; ALSO PEN PRICES TRIPLE

ROBOT ARTIST TO FREE HUMANS FROM BURDEN OF CREATIVITY

ENVIRONMENTAL STUDY: CLAMS WORLDWIDE LOSING WILL TO LIVE

MR. POTATOHEAD CAUGHT SOLICITING CHIVES

IN CELEBRITY NEWS, BRITNEY SPEARS APPEARS OFTEN

EPA: IT TURNS OUT NORTH AND SOUTH POLES IN LOVE, HEARTS ARE MELTING

NEW EARTH-LIKE PLANET BLAMED FOR REAL ESTATE SLUMP

BUSH URGES WORLD UNITE TO FIND CURE FOR RESTLESS LEG SYNDROME

FIRST ROBOT MOVIE CRITIC APPEARS ON EBERT AND ROEPER, PANS TERMINATOR IV

ZEUS, ATHENA AND OTHER GREEK GODS CEASE BICKERING, BUY TIME SHARE

SWISS ACTUARY KILLED IN SAUNA BY RABID MARMOT

PENGUIN MAFIA MUSCLES IN ON FLOE

UNIV. OF MICHIGAN SCIENTISTS LOCATE VAGUE DISQUIET CENTER IN BRAIN

PETCO UNVEILS MORE EFFECTIVE FRUIT BAT CLEANSER

UNHAPPY DOG HAS CAT-CHANGE SURGERY

CHENEY LEAVES DANCING WITH THE STARS IN DISGRACE

IN SHOCKING REBUKE AT ANNUAL MEETING, UPPER CLASS BRANDS TRUMP "NOT CLASSY"

IRAQ TURNS A CORNER, INTO A TUNNEL

Alaskan Pug Hears "Call of the Galleria"

Eager to Build on Accomplishments, Bush Pushes Fully Funded "Department of the Coming Apocalypse"

Brad Levitates as Angelina Jolie's Baby Girl Performs First Miracle

Angry Adorable Kittens Storm Partly Out of Room Before Distracted By Spider

IN TODAY'S OPINION'S, By Danika Strawberry. Your Protestations are Fatuous.
I Believe We Have Already Negotiated the Value of This Depraved Sexual Service at $350.

Child Mentally Scarred by Kenny Rogers' Fumbling Attempts at Peek-A-Boo

CATHOLIC CHURCH WORRIED THAT NEW MOVIE WILL SPARK "HISTORICALLY REVISIONIST" ALLEGATIONS THAT HUNDREDS OF PRIESTS ARE CHILD MOLESTERS

New Orleans Citizens Re-Elect Mayor, 141-127

Sense of Direction at White House Fades As World "Running Out of Things to Fuck Up"

Secret Service Rescues Bush after Fumbling With I-Pod Attachment Package Enters 2nd Hour

John McCain Sends Back Report That "Power of the Dark Side Unimaginable"

Awkwardness, Embarassment as New Robot Robot Resources Executive Must Fire A Robot For First Time

Cheney Thrilled As Brand New Extra High Collar Black Cape Finally Arrives

Mountain Expedition Postponed Due to Incredible Cuteness of Kitten Sitting in Boot

After Long Struggle, Berlusconi Finally Sedated, "Fixed"

Coming Up on Headlines Weather: Curiously, Intermittent Organ Meats

Adorable Kitten, Asked to Comment on Presidential Abuse of Authority, Keeps Pawing Picture of Mussolini

OSAMA BIN LADEN NABBED AS A RESULT OF MONITORED PHONE CALL TO YOUR MOMMA

Pig, Fourth in Line of Succession, Sent to the Chop

MIDDLE CLASS FAMILY BUYS HOUSE WITH CASH

Sony Unveils New Robot to Help Disabled and Fire It's Employees

Tree Falls on Missed Quarterly Earnings

In Today's Opinions, by Richard Cohen: I Believe the Only Real Humor Comes From Truly Professional Newspaper Journalism

CORRECTION: Middle Class Family Watches "House" With Cats

RUMSFELD VIGOROUSLY DEFENDS TOM CRUISE

The Hard Work and Dreams of A Small Nebraska Town Collapse As Visitor Points Out New $150 mil Crab Processing Plant Is Kind of Far From Ocean

Exasperated Stock Analyst: Stocks Just Keep Dropping and Going Up Again

SPORTS: Supersonics Now Threatening to Leave Seattle
Every Morning at 9 AM Sharp

BREAKING NEWS:

ENRAGED POLAR BEARS SUDDENLY BURST IN AND BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF FORMER EXXON CEO

Rumsfeld Insists Hollywood Entering Period of Unprecendented Success and Artistic Creativity

University of Michigan Study of Cash, Credit Cards Using Spectography, Sophisticated 3-d Imaging and Lasers Suggests Value Purely "Cultural"

Adorable Kitten Appeals to Menacing Doberman With Endearing "Mew"

Missing Larder Found in Freezer

Congress Moves to Simplify Consumer Life By Enacting
Mandatory Brand Identification at Birth

Disney Line Opens "Uncle Milton's Paradise Lost" Cruises

Children Cheer as Bill Clinton Brokers Agreement to Eliminate All-Clammato Vending Machines From Elementary Schools Across the Nation



Season's First Hurricane Goes Straight for Katherine Harris

As a Stolen, Speeding Cement Mixer Takes a Sudden Shortcut Through An Atlanta Suburb, An Adorable Kitten Walks Calmly out of the Way

Bush Still Popular Among Mother

CNN REPORTS APPEARANCE OF STUNNING BLOND

IRANIAN PRESIDENT WRITES BUSH, DEMANDING ALL MUPPETS BE KILLED

Alaskan Community Leaders, Designers, Travel Executives Meet to Hammer Out Plan for Club Med Egegik

Warbler Bunnies Sing Long and Sweetly Into Spring Twilight

Abercrombie and Jesus Congregation Clogs Ballard

University of Michigan Scientists Prove Rembrandt's Dark Backgrounds and Distinctive Style Came From Rabies and He Usually Copied Slides

Chris Tucker To Expand Definition of "Putz"

New H4 Hummer Hybrid Features Internal Contradiction Engine

FEMA's Godzilla Planning Sharply Questioned

Provoked By Tantalizing Descriptions, NSA Agents Raid Detroit House, Wrest Mrs. Tallochi's Secret Super Incredible Fudge Kooshies Recipe From Her Cold, Dead Hands

Mosul Man Exasperated as Suicide Bombers Target His New Slurpee
Machine Twice

Forboding Vortex of Evil Devours East Bay Notions Shop

Democratic Senators Trapped For Weeks on Pedestrian Island

Major Real Estate Investor Depressed as Verbal Abuse of Employees Loses Its Zing

Bill Gates Stopped Cold By Hello Kitty

World's Greatest Lover Reportedly World's Worst Actuary

Rivaling David Blaine, Hilary Clinton To Stand Perfectly Still For Two Weeks

Tom Cruise In Negotiations To Star in Home Alone VI on Lifetime

FEMA ANNOUNCES IT'S 3-POINT BIRD FLU PLAN:
SCREAM, WAVE ARMS, AND RUN AWAY

Giant Kitten Loses Muttons

Daffodils, Fluffy Bunnies and Bluebirds "Exasperated"

Darfur Agreement Vows "Steady Reduction" in Machine-Gunning Starving Farmers

POLL: BUSH REMAINS VERY POPULAR AMONG SENIOR MEN WHO YELL AT CHILDREN REGARDING UNAUTHORIZED LAWN PRESENCE

Delaware "Through Being Cool"

IN TODAY'S OPINIONS: This Was NOT Your Oil Tanker to Drag Race Into Rotterdam in the First Place

Today's Hi-Tech Cuisine Feature: San Jose's Posh Mechanique Offers
Lightly Blackened Robot Sprockets in a Delicate Plum Reduction Sauce

Expensive Leather Jacket Suffers as Adorable Kitten Finds Shoulder Perch Impressive, But Unreliable

South Park Creators Help Nice Old Lady Cross Street

COMING UP ON HEADLINES: Why Your Outwardly Cheerful But Resentful Parakeet May Be Scheming to Sell Your Daughter's Image to the Pornographers

Major Oil Company Declares Bankruptcy As Its Bank Violently Ruptures From Large Amounts of Cash

Bi-gendered Bivalves Seek Quadrasexual Marriage

Epidemiologists Remind America There is Also a Serious Bird Snot Problem

Rumsfeld Notes Developing Security Threats in Iceland, India, Indonesia, Ireland, Israel, and Italy

Adorable Kittens Secure Prime Tuna Bits With Apt Cuteness Display

University of Michigan Scientists Bio-Engineer Enzyme Which Erases Signature Ink on Sexual Harassment of Graduate Students Consent Decree

Bush Found Under Desk, Surrounded By Scores Of Empty Butterscotch Pudding Cups

While True Machine Intelligence Proves Elusive, Sophisticated New Robot Does Shed Real Skin Flakes

Beck Tickles Feckless Heckler

Killer Bees Turn People's Witness, Released in Plea Deal

Achievable Aims Tribal Chiefs Perform Limeade-Making Ritual

Pizza Hut Faces Crisis as Possible Cheese Stuffing Pie Areas Grow Scarce

German Geneticists Reinvent The Veal

North Korea Threatening to Nuke Itself

University of Michigan Study: No "Hope" for "Dead"

Vicious Marketing Press Gang Rounds Up Free Verse Poets for Copy

Jimmy Kimmel Grows Slightly Funnier While Sucking Life-Force Out of Sarah Silverman

FBI Subpoenas Much More Porn


Chorus Over Rumsfeld Performance Grows

Study: American Robots Unwilling to Perform Tasks Like Inexpensive Mexican Robots

Adorable Kittens Fight Extradiction to Bathtub

Hot British Band Arctic Monkeys Threatened by Deadly Combination of Global Warming and iTunes

In Today's Opinions, by Jack Abramoff: " The True Fault Here is With the Undue Influence of Money in Political Campaigns, Plus the Dangerously Low Price of Whores and Cocaine."

Onion Staff Suffused With Rue

D.C. Buzzes with Possible VEEP Replacement of
Dick Cheney by Simon Barsinister

WALMART SWEATS PROFITS AS REDNECK FUTURES
RISE TO 5.79 AN HOUR

Bay Area Housing Crisis Drives Economist to Palo Alto

Looking to Future, Florida Presses Forward With Submersible Bus System

Related: Lower East Side To Become Much Like East River

Cheney Blows Away Elderly

Robot Adorable Kitten Craps Metal Shavings

Ingrates Gather to Spurn Annual Ingratious Awards

Coffee Shop Artist Sells out for Triple Tall Mocha

Mundane Laundry Experience Made More Exciting By Paranoid Schizophrenic Folding His Aluminum Foil Drapes

University of Michigan Research Musicologists Discover Gwen Stefani Simply Too Adorable To Critique Her Fairly Okay Dance Music

CHASTENED ROBOTS UNAWARE OF LOCAL ANTI-BEEPING ZONING RESTRICTIONS

Adorable Kittens Insistently Plead Case for Dead Mouse

Don Rumsfeld Insists The Macarena Is THE Dance Craze for 2006

Socialist Parking Attendant Unfairly Targets Ford F-350 Extended Cab

In Today's Opinions', By Former Dictator Augusto Pinochet: "If I could only get off this Barco-lounger, I would surely throw you from a C-130 and bury you in the Stadium"

Baby Ring Seals Overwhelm Hunters with Sustained, Accurate Automatic Weapons Fire

Seattle Concerns Over Moisture Well-Founded

Superbowl Filled With Super Huge Apple Jacks

Bat Rights Organization Condemns "Rightsideupism"

GOP Congressional Panel Convenes To Discredit Female Orgasm

Boise-Area Communist Proud of Communal Breakfast Nook

Depressed Onion Staff Going Through Comedy Motions

Fancy New Bush Orb and Scepter Meets With Skepticism

Iranian President Demands Pacific Ocean Immediately Leave Pacific Rim Area

HULK SMASH WATERBED PRICES

Rove: Children are Our Most Precious Parent-Frightening Resource

Enormous Alien Invasion Fleet Simply Passes Earth By To Raid Precious Gas From Methane People on Neptune

Bush Enrages Bermudan Ambassador

In Today's Opinions, By Auguste Pinochet's Daughter Lucia - There's No Reason for the U.S. to Deny Me Political Asylum or a Liquor License

Dick Cheney Stares Angrily At Bac-O-Bits On Potato Salad

Adorable Kittens Hatch Plot to Exit Grocery Bag

BROKEBACK ROBOT: "I wish I could delete you."

Dried, Grainy Ball of Tang in Bottom of Container Is Local Man's Only Conceivable Dessert

Shitheads Work to Confront the Stereotype

50 CENT SURPRISES RESTORATION HARDWARE WITH IMPROMPTU CONCERT; 4 CAUCASIANS HOSPITALIZED WITH SHORTNESS OF BREATH

Boy Dictator Crushes Legoland

Rumsfeld Insists Avocado Green is the New Black

Hippie Pimp Develops Organic Whorticulture

Adorable Kittens Secure Sill From Possible Spiders

Nebraskan Alarmed By Ford 350 Diesel With Rough Transmission and Possible Bisexual Tendencies

NSA MAY MONITOR YOUR FREEDOM FOR QUALITY ASSURANCE PURPOSES

Robots Forcibly Bringing the World Together For Christmas Over Childish Human Objections

Noted Candy Maker Retools For Pentagon With New Maiming Taffy

White House Splits With Conservatives Over Anti-Gay Cowboy Movie Constitutional Amendment

At Pentagon Bash, Cheney Dons Traditional Black Santa Suit, Cape and Ceremonial Christmas Cattle Prod

BEAUTIFUL TV INTERN SAVED IN CAR CRASH WHEN WELL-TIMED OBSEQUIEOUS COMMENT SWELLS BILL O'REILLY'S HEAD TO UNUSUAL SIZE, PROVIDING SOFT PILLOW-LIKE ANTI-INJURY CUSHIONING

Adorable Robots Mercilessly Destroyed By Adorable Kittens

(LEFT) Man Shows Off Caucasian Friend

Faced With Economic Isolation, President of Iran Clarifies He Was Just Denying The Whole of Costco

Salmon Rushdie Still in Hiding From Student Loan Fatwah

Carson Daly Voted Top Unfunny TV Robot Who is Indifferent to Women

In Today's Opinions, By The Joker: I May Actually BE the Joker, But I Still Can't Help But Wonder What Joker is Actually Running this Country

Coming Up on Headlines Weather: The Rare Mountaintop Tsunami- Why Montanna May Be At Risk

POLLS' COLLAPSE WORRIES ROVE ABOUT POSSIBLE INSURGENCY IN DUMBFUCKISTAN

Heavily Marked Draft of 1998 Document Containing All of George Bush's Future Speeches Unearthed in D.C. Barbeque Place Restroom

President of Iran Furiously Demands Tiny Invisible Jewish Robots Immediately Leave His Head

Adorable Kittens' Nefarious Plans Flumoxed By Well-Secured Knitting Box

Madonna to Radically Reinvent Herself As A Songwriter Creating Original, Artistically Challenging Dance Music

RUMSFELD ADDRESSES RICECAKE STALENESS PROBLEM WITH IMMEDIATE ACTION

Mick Jagger Reflects on the Impact on Rolling Stones' Performances When Counterpoint was Developed in the 12th Century

Pirate Task Force Review of Federal Katrina Response Recommends Extensive Keel-Hauling, Flogging, and Shackling to the Gallery Sweeps

DETROIT CRISIS AS ROBOT WORKERS DEMAND SCHEDULED MAINTAINANCE

Reacting to Polls, Bush Pays Undocumented Mexican to Sob Quietly to Himself on His Behalf

Nations of World Working Together to Thwart
Inexaustibly Lame Marriage Plans of Uma Thurman to Some Pansy Hotel Billionaire

WTO Director Condemns 'Irrational, Anti-Free Trade' Tariffs on Inexpensive
Romanian Breast Implants

Violent Explosion Distracts Area Employees From Meaningless Tasks Just Long Enough to Make Them Question the Whole Value of Their Careers

In a Theological Debate Expected to Intrigue and Yet Creep Out Billions, Angelina Jolie Taunts Pope Benedict to No-Ref Face-Off at Wrestlemania XXII

Adorable Kittens Consider Branch

In Today's Opinons, by Maxwell Smart: It is High Time That K.A.O.S. Was Held Accountable for The Many Recent U.S. Intelligence Failures and Fiascos

Rumsfeld Pushes to Award Bachman Turner Overdrive "Medal of Freedom" for National Service as "The Paramount Musical Group of the 1970's and Beyond"

Giant Floating Brain From Nebular-7 Sloshes to Car Window When Cut off By Ford F 350 Pickup At Key Bellevue Exit, Leaving Oily Streak

Only Hammer Unsuited to Particular Nailing Task

PRESIDENT OF IRAN CALLS FOR ERADICATION OF BEAGLE PUPPIES

Nasa Reports 8th Grade Science Project Experiment
Both Spectacular Success and Catastrophic Failure

Chastened Reindeer Visits Grandma in Rehab

RUMSFELD PREPARES FOR POSSIBLE ACTION AGAINST IRAN BY ROOTING OUT SUSPECTED FARSI SPEAKERS FROM ARMY AND ENGAGING IN EXTENSIVE JUNGLE WARFARE EXERCISES

Rolling Stones Guitarist Talks About Early Sessions With Mammoth Bone Flute

Ambitious Marketers Unveil Robot Consumer With 4000 Times the Purchasing Desire of Ordinary Human Shoppers

Speeding Cement Truck Brakes Suddenly to Allow Adorable Kittens to Cross Street at Leisurely, Kittenly Stroll

SUNDAY MORNING NFL: Seahawks' Tatupu Sacks Leafblower Idiot at 6:30 am

REPORT: GOD MAY NOT HATE FRANCE

Toys R Us Ashcans Chia Hitler

Misdirected Senior Staff Leave White House Screening of 'Cowboy' Movie Brokeback Mountain in Long, Awkward Silence

In Today's Opinions: Ironically, I Was From Mother's Womb Untimely Ripp'd

U.S. Hopes Rise as Starbucks Asserts Control Over Falujah

Teenage Rumsfeld Nieces Again Requested to Thank Uncle Don for XMAS Gift of Pink Socks With Little Bears on Them, 8th Year in a Row

Pentagon: Iraq Success "Within Reach," When Redefined as "Lack of Success"

Hikers Report Oregon Bigfoot's Frustrated Bellows as Job Outsourced to Cheaper Tibetan Yeti

Killer Bee Gees Relentlessly Sting Target Shoppers With 70's Hits

A Curious Fact! Hilarious Sarah Silverman (Above, Left) Persists In Dating Somewhat Overweight, Much Less Funny Men Other Than Myself

Orthodox 110-Volt, 220-Volt Hardware Sects Condemn Forbidden Robot Love Affair

WAL-MART EMPLOYEE HEALTH CARE COSTS CUT WITH FREE SODIUM PENTATHOL SHOTS

Absolut Vodka Underwrites Musical Scholarship for Advanced Study of the Renaissance Lut

In TODAY'S OPINIONS: ALTHOUGH POTENTIALLY DELCIOUS, WE SHOULD RETHINK OUR PLANS FOR REPAIRING THE DILAPADATED ALASKAN WAY VIADUCT WITH COLUMNS OF PRESSED HAM

Coming Up on Headlines: A Rare and Beautiful Argentinian Butterfly
Obsessed With Homicide

Wardrobe Malfunction Releases White Witch into Superbowl Crowd

Crazy Street Man Study: Orders from Celine Dion Song to Burn Down a Fred Meyer Create Obvious Conflict With Previous Instructions From Mind-Reading CIA Bats

Pieces "Simply Fall Off" as Dick Cheney Reportedly Wearing Out His Lego "Middle East"

Attractive Blond College Girl Is Reported Missing From CNN

In Non Peer-Reviewed Research Incident, An Intelligent Design Scientist Crawls into Cage, Is Beaten By Gorilla

Hygenic Physicists Back "Floss Theory"

Coming Up on Headlines: The Bird Flu- And Many More Reasons to Hate Birds

Analysts Tout Cancer's Impressive Growth

Chickens Cross the Wrong Man

(ABOVE) Fresh from Radical Medical Procedure, Kim Jong IL Reviews North Korean Troops

Atkins Insurgents Radicalize, Destroy Pop-Tart Factory in Suicide Dining

Extraordinary Americans Taunt Ordinary Americans

AG Fitzgerald Subpoenas Damning Rove "Bury Wilson" Post-It

Top Theologians Speculate on What Carpenter Jesus Said Upon Striking His Own Thumb With a Hammer

In Today's Opinions: "Memo to San Francisco Yacht Club: Get that Skanky Ass Crack Ho Out of My Face!"

White House Furniture Overturned as Small But Undeniable Fact Chases Bush Around Oval Office

Robot Union Willing to Accept Power Cut

Coming Up on Headlines: Why Your Daughter's New Death Metal Obsession May Obscure the More Disturbing Problem with Your Son

Report: U.S. Government Has Retained FEMA's Michael Brown In Order to Destroy Iraq Insurgency By Attempting to Rescue It From Dangerous Hurricane

Balls to the Wall as Ann Coulter is Arrested

Alan Greenspan Leaves Fed for Jessica Simpson

FEARS GROWING THAT GEORGE W. BUSH HAS
TAKEN OVER ACTUAL RUNNING OF AMERICA

LONELY SCIENTISTS THRILLED AS KEY INFRARED SATELLITE TESTS
SUCCESSFULLY LOCATE ANGELINA JOLIE

Maureen Dowd Gaily Tosses Pink Roses Into Trash as She Laughs Off Pathetic
Attempt by David Brooks to Request Date

PENTAGON TIGHT-LIPPED AS AL QAIDA OUTBIDS RUMSFELD AT LAST MINUTE FOR CONTROL OF BASRA IN EBAY DEBACLE

Malemute puppy strike force seizes control of Pampers box from adorable kittens

Light-headed Cheney Revived with Tang and Fresh Unicorn Blood

In Today's Opinions: This Convienient Parking Space is Reserved Not for Me Alone and My Own Unworthy Comfort, But By the Unconquerable Will of the Almighty

Nero Plays Guitar in San Diego While Rome Floods

LOUISIANA ARRESTS GOD

GOD'S ATTORNEY DERSHOWITZ POINTS TO WRATH OF NEPTUNE

Crisis Spurs Exploratory Drilling in Ann Coulter's Pants

Estimate: $100 Billion To Return Whitey To The Moon

Adorable Kitteens Flee New Orleans

Unemployed Lumberjacks Felling Shrubbery

Cheney Pushes "Endanger Species" Act

Texas Family Trapped as Hummer Too Embarassing to Drive

Moose Tramples Chuck E. Cheese Actor In Front of Terrified Yet Giggling Children

Robot Scientists from University of Robots Urge Immediate Action to Replace Incompetent Federal Officials With Qualified Robots

Coming Up on Headlines: Storm of Administration Incompetence at Category 5 on the Brownie Scale

Democrats Set Aside "Blame Game" for a Rousing Round of "Responsibility Pursuit"

MICHAEL BROWN SENDS CORRECTED MEMO THAT THE ATLANTIC LIES TO THE EAST

White House: Bush Not Informed Clearly Until Tuesday That Katrina Was a Furious Hurricane, Rather Than A Curious Sugar Cane

Cheney Reports Several Thousand Louisiana Republicans Are Particularly Safe

Rumsfeld Sent to Make Bayou A Quagmire

Partial Transcript of Bush's Federal Katrina Investigation:

George W.: And what was I doing at the time?
President: I was talking to the folks about my Medicaid plan in Arizona, so we can get drugs to the Seniors who need them.
George W. That's an important thing to do for Americans.
President. They need drugs. That's why my Administration is making them mandatory. But not illegal drugs that rape our children.
George W. We all need drugs. And that's why I was there in California too.
President: I played guitar in California, because I cared about the people facing tragedy, so I didn't want to distract them by playing guitar in Louisiana. They have people to do that there.
George W. A tragedy no one could have anticipated?
President. It was one that no one could have anticipated before it happened.
George W. And when it happened, it was terrible.
President. It happened terribly for all Americans. And I get that. I understand. Stop telling me.
George W. So there is nothing more I could have done?
President. No one who could not of thought of anything never did. And they're doing a great job, helping Americans who need the help more than other Americans. I mean it was an attack of Mother Nature.
George W. That's obvious. The time for planning is now.

FEMA delivers 400,000 Flashlights to The Night of The Johnstown Flood

Adorable Kittens Saved by Minor Celebrity

EPA Declares Large Areas of Nation "Unsafe for Etouffe"

3rd ATTEMPTED RESCUE OF ADORABLE KITTEN FAILS; KITTEN OK

Stung By Bat-Rash, Batman Demands Pharmaceutical Accountability


DON RUMSFELD FIXATED ON DENNY'S MENU

Robot Driver Obsessively Checking Service Number in Line at DMV

In Humiliating Hollywood Ceremony, Micheal Eisner Stripped of Rank

Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Fill in Condi Rice's Name, Address on Hundreds of Sketchy Internet Sites

Angelina Jolie Bringing Critical Hotness to Sub-Saharan Africa

Evangelical Counseling Program Convinces Meterosexual to Stop Moisturizing

BUSH ADOPTS NEW SPEAKING STYLE

Flavor-Flav Favors Bio-Flavanoids

Correction: Adorable Kittens NOT Killed By
Warm Sunny Spot

Laid-Off Lumberjack Fells Money Tree Shop



Stung By Gas Prices, Giant Floating Brain from Nebular-7 Regrets Impulse Purchase Ford Excurison

Giant Warrior Robots Destroying San Diego Slowed With Tracking Cookies

Pizza Hit Opens Calzone Hovel

Don Rumsfeld Buys Washington Redskins, Insists Team of 6 Against NY Giants Sufficient

Massive L.A. Evacuation as Courtney Love Lays Waste to Large Areas of California

HAT MAKER WINS 50-YARD HABERDASH

Pope Tangles With Batman Over Contraception

Robot Appreciation Day Killed in Senate

U.S. Air Force to Soften Image With Warmth-Seeking Kitten Missiles

As Crash Beckons, Paul Krugman Offers to Buy Lunch

Appealing Fresh Packet of Socks Entices Spontaneuous Change of Socks in Car

Using Special Equipment, Bush Photographed Emiting "Crazy Rays"

After Carelessly Handling New 'Nitro-Cola,' A Respected New York Times Reporter Explodes

OPINION: Your SUV is Hilarious

RUMSFELD: Iran 'Must Comply' With Nuke Limits or Face A Half-Baked, Mismanaged, Undermanned Invasion

New XBOX will Also Fold Laundry

Pope Benedict, Brushing Aside Accusations of Excess Conservatism, Floats an Inquisition Trial Balloon

Tucker Carlson Dominates Pan-International Fuck-Off Competition

OPINION: Don't Make Me Come Over There

Adorable Kittens Not Feeling the Love

University of Michigan Scientists Identify Gene That Causes Dissatisfaction with Mechanistic Determinism

Robot Misses Old BKI-07893-C Attachment

Michael Caine Honored But Saddened By His Ceremonial Blowing Up of Dilapidated IKEA

RUMSFELD: Iraq is 'Made of Butterscotch Pudding'

Onion Editorial Staff Enjoying 1987 Algebra Video

Leaving a Trail of Dead and Wounded Innocents Across Mexico, A Cornered Ken Lay Guns It Out with Mexican Police in a Chihuahua Whorehouse

Scientists Identify Gene In Women Which Inhibits Their Dating of Scientists

Rootbeer Dam Bursts, Flooding Ice Cream Hill

Lost Russian Plutonium Located, Safely Stored in Missiles in Tehran

Significant Embarassment Associated with Sudden Catastrophic Failure of Pocket-Pro Insta-Tent

Botched Skittles Promotional Airdrop Annoys Thousands with Mild Bruises, Colorful Sticky Bits in Hair

Adorable Kittens Avoid Responsibility by Hiding in Box

OPINION: Angelina Jolie May Be the Hottest Woman in the World, But That Doesn't Mean Brad Pitt Should Cast Aside His Sacred Commitment to Another Famous Celebrity

New Robotic Auto-Machete Will Make Old Genocidal Frenzy Obsolete

Bush's 2nd Place Finish in Rodeo Ascribed to 'Fancy-Ridin'' Butler

Coming Up on Headlines: Why "The Onion" Isn't Bothering to Sue Us

Robot Scientists Develop Inexpensive Robot Substitute

"Man's Cruelty to Man Crueler Than Man's Man's Cruelty to Man" - Batman

WTO Ruling Will Force Anime Noses to be Drawn Properly

Golf Win Celebrated With Real Estate Bubbly

That Genetically Reconstituted Mammoth's in Henderson's Tomatoes Again

CAMP FOLLOWERS OFFER CROMWELL S'MORES

Bush Insists on Fax

Invalid's Parking Validated

Key Paragraph On Rebuilding '72 Datsun Carborator Ruined By What Appears to be Dried Orange Tang

Adorable Kittens Make a Break for Door, Then Are Distracted by Small Piece of Paper

Justin the Hun Maurauding No One Except That Blond Chick at Abercrombie

OPINION: The View At the Summit of Everest Was Fine But Not Worth 4 Fingers and My Lower Left Leg

Dude 'Invades Cutedatenland'

Accidental Consumer Survey of Wild Gibbons Last Year at Alderwood Zoo May Have Adversely Affected This Year's Hollywood Offerings

VA Tech Student Clara Littleton Poses With "Awesome" Patriotic Sculpture by Karl Rove

Karl Rove Wows Crowds at State Fair Carving Patriotic Eagle Sculptures in Butter

Robot Politician Nabbed in Sex Scandal With 1500 HP Self-Propelled Compactor

AFL-CIO Loses SEIU, Gains NFL, ABC, and AOL

Mint Farm Gets Fresh Subsidies

Starbucks Blimp Cafe Will Tap Wide Open Unused Airspace Coffee Market

Attempted Tryst Fails With Card Rejections at Motel 6 Check-In Counter

Kuwait Adopts Dust Bunny as National Symbol

Artist Traps Escaping Mouse With 8 Foot Nude Painting (True!)

Bush Crashes Bicycle into Stray Homo Habilis

Today's Tomorrow's Headlines:
Patriotic as Eagle Butter

ROVEMOG RALLIES BASE

MICROSOFT: 'Longhorn' Operating System "Will Make Typing a 'Snap'"

DULL SENATE FINANCE HEARING ERUPTS INTO CONGA LINE OF THE DAMNED

Robot Scientists Report Puny Humans Weakened By Pathetic Feelings of Love

Waterproof Cell Phone Can Now Ruin Relaxing Baths

WHITE HOUSE COUNTERS THAT LIKE ALL PATRIOTIC AMERICANS, KARL ROVE IS PREPARED TO BETRAY HIS COUNTRY WHEN IT'S REALLY IMPORTANT

Overzealous Prosecutor Indicts Tacoma

Rehnquist Quitting For Lifelong Dream of Becoming Shiatsu Massage Therapist

Adorable Kittens Briefly Feel Ignored Before Getting Picked Up and Placed in Coffee Mug for Amusing Photo Shoot

Recently Appointed Top US Navy Commander Captain Morgan Introduces Wildly Popular New Behavior Protocols

Face Stomping Postponed Due to Ass Whoopin'

Pastors Criticize "Unproven 'Theory'" of Aeronautics

Loss of 8 Year Old's Barbie Malibu Set Blamed for Family Economic Catastrophy

Continent of Europe Now Drifting Even Faster

Purchase of $2 Gallon Can of Tomato Sauce At Costco Seems Whimsical in Retrospect

Hopes For Demos Grow as Passing Angelina Jolie Raises JFK From The Dead




A Humbled Rumsfeld Bids
Welcome To Our Robot Overlords

UNIVERSAL EXPORTS DENIES EMPLOYING ANY "JAMES BOND"

BUSH TAPS CHILDHOOD FRIEND FOR SUPREME COURT, AN IMAGINARY PRO-LIFE SOCK MONKEY NAMED BINKLES

NIPPLES IMPLIED

Adorable Kittens Mum Over Holes in Drapes

POLAR BEAR GANG SUSPECTED IN BIG SEAL MEAT HEIST

Brick House Laid Flat By Sweet Talk and Tequilla Shots

Roofing Contractor's Dog Repeatedly Reroofing

Groton, CN: U.S. Navy Experimenting With 200 HP Female Condom

WALMART HEIR'S BODY BURIED, INCLUDING 5000 ASSOCIATES

Commander Numbnuts Sensitive To Coarse Remarks

IGNORING SCHEDULING REQUESTS, BUSH FINDS UNIBROW REGROWING

Wobbly News Satellite Sends Back Unusually Ambigious Commentary

Dick Cheney Strangles Hippy Puppy

CARGO SHIP M/V NEPTUNE'S DAUGHTER SAVES ITSELF FROM WATERY DOOM BY UNLOADING 400 CONTAINERS OF EXTRA ABSORBENT PAPER TOWELS AT KEY MOMENT

Investigators Peg Small Boy Whose Repeated Beachside Shennanigans May Have Caused Deadly Tsunami

Bat, Wombat Represent

Adorable Kittens Stare at Postman

01000101001011100010010 Defeats Truman

Hiker Fleeing Ferocious Bear Run Over By Cement Mixer

OPINION: You Think You Run the Tacoma Best Buy Laptop Accessories Department, But Mister You Have No Idea

Officer Stripped of Rank Amateurism

As A Community Mourns, Officials Find Last of 14 Clown Noses in Frozen Banana Cream Pie Factory Vat

Golfing, Drinking, And Shady Real Estate Deal Charter School Worries Some Parents

New 42" HDTV Screen Just Seems to Magnify Low Quality of Writing

Robot Questions Need For Complimentary Bath Assortment

U.S. General in Kyrgykystan Looking Forward to Some Sort of Important Emergency

Cheney Tables Plans to Vaporize French Children With Death Ray

SUDDEN MAGMA FLOW TAKES LAST OF THE COLD BEERS

Emergency Foam Section Saves Elmo

IRAN ELECTIONS FAVOR MODERATE SOCIAL DECAPITATION PARTY OVER CONSERVATIVE CHRISTIAN DISEMBOWLING PARTY

Release of Captive Donuts Into the Wild Cheers Wolf Cops

Physicists Hypothesize Newly Discovered Anti-Anti Matter
is Strangely Not Pro-Matter

Review: Symphony Composed By Admittedly Talented Baby Predicatably Builds on Repeated Crying, Goo-Gooing Phrases

Rumsfeld Insists Styx Cassettes Are An Appropriate Pre-Teen Birthday Gift

Controversy Brews Over Seattle Plan to Replace
Sections of I-90 With New Blimpway

Barrista Taints Bill O'Reilly's Latte With Small Amount of Disgusting Raspberry Flavoring

OPINION: And I so I Apologize Again, But After 30 days Adrift in the Pacific in a Self-Inflating Raft, the Waterbed Just Seemed like Extra Weight

Coming Up on Headlines: Why the Real Estate Bubble in California May Burst Due to Geologic Rather Than Market Forces

Philadelphia Bond Attorney Jason Clortman Prepares to
Measure Available Square Footage


National Command Authority Missile Launch Codes Left in Bicycling Pants

Robots May Lose Robot Vision From Excessive Self-Disagnostic Checks

Iran Admits Focus Group Testing Nuke Marketing Program

Fuzzy Bunnies Amazed By Abandoned Day-Pack Full of Carrots

Dick Cheney Volunteers for Habit for Inhumanity, Building New Land Mine Plant

Sex Scandal Spokane Mayor Encouraged By Jackson Verdict

Adorable Kittens Sleeping Peacefully in Comfy Shotgun Case

Alaska Senator Stevens Forces Venice Biennialle Move to Eielson Air Force Base

Goth Chick Forced to Wrap Birthday Present

OPINION: Look, Just Because We Have 5000 Metric Tons of Sarin Doesn't Mean We're Not "People" People

Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Target Barnes and Noble Shelves with "Operation Moustache"

Coming Up on Headlines: Why the Massive California Offshore Earthquake May Be the Least of Your Problems

BOLIVIAN PRESIDENT CAPTURED AS GIANT, OVER-ENTHUSIASTIC KOOL-AID PITCHER BURSTS THROUGH WALL

RAPLH NADER DECRIES INSATIABLE "SUPERHERO-INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX"

OPINION: Although Your Suggestion That We "Open the Hatch Now and Escape the Giant Brain-Sucking Snake" is Appreciated, Perhaps We Should All Calm Down and Consider That This Might Be Oxygen-Deprivation Talking

Shots Fired as Starbucks Troops Surround Independent Coffee House

Adorable Kittens Feast on Kibbles Entrails

Experimental Bay Area Bio-Fuel Car Runs on KY Jelly

Socialist Girlfriend Demands Man Return Coor's Light 12 Pack

Old Navy Enlists Coldplay in "Morose Capris" Campaign

Congress May Ban "Public Displays of Disaffection"

An Exultant Bush Beams With Pride as 'Little Helper Wheels' Removed From Bicycle

IN RADICAL CONSERVATION MOVE, U.S. TO CRACK DOWN ON JUST DRIVING AROUND

OPINION: No, I Don't Have the Keys, Darling, Maybe They Fell in The Couch While You Were Making Out With That Hideous Alien

University of Michigan Study: Plump New Breasts May Pay for Themselves in Average 23 Months With Reduced Traffic Fines

Disappointed Roofing Contractor Cancels Graham Cracker Tile Contract

Coming Up on Headlines: Your Future Bio-Cybernetic Dog Will Conveniently Pee Carpet Freshener

Micheal Jackson Evaporates Into 11th Dimensional Space

China, India Outsourcing Each Other: Chinese Confusing Sprint Customers as India Becomes Largest U.S. Supplier of Crappy Plastic Things

Market Special Forces Take Out Nurse's Union

Yet Another Hackey-Sack Injury Sends Dick Cheney to Emergency Room

Latest Bear Finding: Cars With Fat People In Them Often Contain More Nachos

Bush Attempt at Root Beer Float Goes Awry As Ice Cream Ball Keeps Turning Over, Resisting Fumbling Attempts At Scooping With Flimsy Plastic Spoon

Conservative NYT Columnist David Brooks Termed "4-Eyes", Repeatedly Kicked In Back of Knee By Resentful Punk Rock Girl

Opinion: Although I'm Enjoying Your Lap Dancing, Miss, You Don't Necessarily Need to Keeping Slapping Yourself There In Particular

Fooled By Apparent Ease of Chase, Adorable Kittens Stalking Tuna Can

University of Michigan Political Scientists Report French Oddly Reluctant to Give Up Idyllic Lifestyle, Democractic Control of State Policies To Further Enhance Massive Transnational Private Equity Funds

Starbucks Offering Canned 10W -40 Mochachino For Urban Robots on the Go

View of Intriguing Uma Thurman Louis Vuitton Ad Partly Obscured By Habernot Systems Mark VI 15,000 Ton Self-Assembling Derrick Crane

Family Coronary Tragedy Forces Pizza Parlor To Reconsider Free Cheesy Breadstick and Extra Cheese Dipping Sauce Promotion

Rebuttal: Don't Tell Me You Don't Love It

Pentagon Intrigued By Flexible, Colorful Lego Missile Platform

Coming Up on Headlines Familes: Just Because Daddy Muffed His Parole Hearing Doesn't Necessarily Mean He Won't Be Coming Home

Europe Descends Into Further Pleasantry

Pie Futures Unstable as U.S. Rhubarb Supply Critical

Cosmonaut Returns to Outlet Mall

Envelope Coveted

CNN Debuts "The Explosions Minute"

Hostage Takes Hostages To Demand Release of Hostages Such as Himself

Adorable Kittens Hide Under Couch Ready to Attack Naked Ankles

History Recap: Deep Throat Had Revealed U.S. Secret That Nixon Was a Cynical, Warmongering, Racist Son of a Bitch

Hagen-Daz Cookie Dough-for-Plutonium Scandal Drives Ice Cream Sales Down

Seven Chinese Brothers Sued For Illegal Ocean Swallowing

Hulk's Couch Surfing Has Superfriends Seeking Bigger Apartment

Coming Up in Science Headlines: Hormone-Mimic Chemical Pollution Crisis
Upside May Be Bigger Tits

AGGRIEVED CLOWN WIDOW SUES TINY TRICYCLE MANUFACTURERS

Analysts Worry That Death of Saudi King Might Lead Citizens to Support Terrorism

RELIEF AS AMERICAN 737-700 CRASHES GENTLY AND DELICIOUSLY INTO COTTON CANDY FACTORY

Experts Say Excessively Hot Angelina Jolie Must Be Banned By FCC

Adorable Kittens Demand The Vote, Then Fall Asleep in Sunbeam

Clerk Looks Forward to Summer Career at Office Depot

"Last Clang" as 47,000 Workers Laid Off When Last Boeing Bell Factory in Seattle's Belltown Closes

LATEST REPORT: Wiggams, That Fed Ex Better Be Here By 4:30

University of Michigan Study: Disobedient Boy Responsible for World Hunger

Marketers Sign on Tony Danza for Big DY-1507 Shaft Flange Campaign

Coming Up on Headlines: How a Simple Cheeseburger Threw Carrot Top Into Despair

Contentious Lifestyle Debate Fails to Delay Deployment of New 7th Armored Division

As Casualties Mount, Pizza Hut Pulls Out of Iraq

BOLTON DEMANDS NOMINATION PASSAGE OR HE WILL BEAT UP LITTLE GIRL

US Attack Sub Collides With Uncharted Big Rock Candy Mountain

Rumsfeld Insists Farah Fawcett Replacement Cheryl Ladd Was Marked Improvement in Original Charlie's Angels Lineup

University of Michigan Energy Scientists Thrilled at Discovery of Virtually Untapped Source of Research Grants

Extremely Irritating Old Woman Keeps Standing Quietly Nearby

Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Stick Realistic Sphincter Sticker on Yellow Hummer

Adorable Kittens Determine Flushing Handle is Not Friend

FBI Stepping Up Efforts Against Terrorist Hazard of Radical Pro-Bicycling Hippies

LATEST REPORT: Lisa, I Expect the Makita Tools Display to Look Ship-Shape By 4:30

Robot Shoppers Getting Too Friendly With Self-Checkout Machine

Coming Up on Headlines Weather: Expect the Thousands of Artificially Generated Tiny Black Holes To Burn Off into 11th Dimensional Space By Noon

1/2 Soup and Tuna Salad Sandwich Special Comes With Side of Love

Radical Anti-Human Robots Hold Frozen French Fry Warehouse Hostage

Despondent Vampire Bat Sitting Upright in Lawn Chair in Daytime Drinking a Snapple

Adorable Kittens Uncover Secret Spider Lair Inside Plastic Cookie Monster Cup

Is Ann Coulter Really a Nazi Cunt? Find Out In Minutes With This Simple Hormone Test

Khmer Rouge Rebrands Itself as High-End Snack Foods Provider

Ghost of Derrida Terrifying English Majors in Graduate Student Housing

Primitive Living Pre-Human Sub-Species Discovered Serving on Kansas School Board

Latest Report: Those Cars Aren't Going to Wash Themselves, Mister

Duck Comedian Hones Hilarious Bufflehead Impersonation

Coming Up on Headlines: Meteorite Insurance - Don't Put it Off Till You See the Burning Track of Sky Fire

Heroic Toddler Saves Town As Fork in Outlet
Sets Fire to Wal Mart

Concern Grows as Iranian Bakery Enriching Wonderbread

Declining World Frog Population Cutting Down on Magical Royal Marriages

Report: God Has Superlative Gravy Recipe

Viscious Mouse Criminal Sentenced to The Springy Chair

Constitution "Tabled"

Disappointment as 32 Ounce Resealable Bag of Fred Meyer "Honey Oaty Rings" Proves Full of Angry, Live Bats

Film History: Walter Pigeon Crapped On Napolean

FBI Taps Trevor's 'Big-Wheel Ice Cream Gang' As Nation's Top Child Terrorist Concern

Premature Ejaculation Drug Release Date Delayed By Thoughts of Baseball Steroid Abuse

Poet Writes Novel Just to Slip in Poetry

Coming Up on Headlines: Adorable Kitten Scientists Believe That the Reality of Tuna Flavoring Must Imply The Existence of Huge, Delicious Tunas

Eighth Grade Science Class Hamster on Suicide Watch

Vatican To Step Up Sarcastic Letters to Editor

The Force Unable to Save Ill-Conceived Date

Disneyworld Guantanamo Less Than Happiest Place on Earth

World Trade Organization Floats Trading Cards

Yoda: "Gay is this Jedi."

Starbucks Backs out of Opening in Chili's inside a Friday's

Minor Chinese Communist Party Official Taken Aback by Unsettling Comments in Das Kapital

Bush Bids Mongols Fear Our Mighty Iron Sky Birds

Secret Pfizer Cancer Cure Released When Hair Growing Side Effect Noted

Adorable Kitten Snuggling Attempt Goes Awry As Unstable Milkshake on Lap Faulted

Southern French Lifestyle Mildly Disrupted by Stale Bagels

LARGE HADRON COLLIDER GO FOR WIPING OUT FILTHY, IRRITATING HADRONS

Rumsfeld Stands By Osmonds 8-Track

Jesus Thumbs Up! on F-22 Advanced Capability Fighter

Google Announces "Search Me" Feature

North Korea Unveils Wicker A-Bomb

EU OKs UK IOU

Rumsfeld Flashes Old Student ID In Attempt to Get Into Syria

Pentagon Invokes Little Known Cub Scout "Permanent Reserves" Subclause

U.S. Treasury Secretary Defends Use of Special Mathematical Properties of Parallel Universe 8!A

Paris Hilton Goes Down Like The Bismark

Condi Rice Over-Stretches Suck-Up Tendon

Fluffy Bunnies' Daisy-Romp Gathering Crushed By Renegade Mine-Tailing Loader

Microsoft Copyrights "Quotes"

Automated Self-Check Out Bag-Emplacement Direction Fills Man With Gnawing Despair

Wedding DJ Badly Misjudges Audience Desire to Hear Bachman Turner Overdrive

Adorable Kittens Suspect Tree Contains Birds

Hummer Owner Ironically Run Over By Shopping Cart

Rabid Bear Refuses to Take Down Last Week's Garage Sale Signs

78 Year Old Benedict XVI Issues Encyclical: All Children To Immediately Vacate Vatican Lawn

Bicycling Bush Reported Lost in West Dakota

BUSH EXPRESSES GROWING FEAR OF CLOWNS

Katie Couric to Focus Reports on Congolese Genocide - Correction, Celebrity Gossip

SCENTED OIL MARKETS DOWN ON DISAPPOINTING MASSAGE THERAPY INDEX

Despite Pleas, Rumsfeld Persists in Sending Fruitcakes to Relatives

Walter is Damn Sure Not Going to Leave the Target Food Court Without A Formal Written Request

Adorable Kittens Lurk in Bag

Giant Floating Brain from Nebular-7 Creeps Other Dude in Hotel Sauna

Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Superglue Fake Plastic Butt to Hummer Rear Door

Norwegian Girlfriend Going all Psycho or Something

Opinion: Immigration Makeovers are a Great Way to Welcome These Foreigners

LATEST REPORT: The Bleeding has Slowed Down a Bit, But I-90 is Way Jammed

IN-DEPTH- As a Small Towm Tries to Adjust, City Officials Admit "Satanic Capital of the Midwest" is Bringing in Tourists, Dollars

Stock Broker's Wife Collapses on Disappointing Earnings Report

Courageous Illinois Teen Breaks "The Dweeb Barrier"

Rumsfeld Sternly Warns Harvard English Lit Grads to Write Clearly,
Succinctly and Truthfully

CEO of Integrated Cybernetic Dynosystems Samples Clam Bake

Angry Chinese Demonstrators Demand Apology From Belgian Embassy for Appalling War-Time Confectionaries

Mall Security Guard Thrilled to Report Incident

Adminstration's Hannibal Lechter Nomination Faces Questions

Curious Mole-People Spurn Digital Television

Man Feels He May Be Overshadowed in Cell-Phone Group Photo By Beautiful Model

Georgia Fascist Uncertain Where to Safely Dry-Clean Nazi Flag

Opinion: The Water Treatment Bond Measure is Too Boring to Truly Support

Pastor Tempted to Misapply Bible Teaching to Sunday Parking Problem

Adorable Kittens Intrigued By Curious Mole People

Coming Up on Headlines: Why the Centers for Disease Control Are Headed for Your Neighborhood Armed and in Force

Concerned Bush Vows to Defeat Klingons

French Navy Crew Crashes Party, Runs Off With the Chicks

Drunk, Smoking, Obese White Lab Rats Turning Up in Nation's Sports Bars

Condi Rice Refuses Offer of Marriage From Count Roni

Rumsfeld Warns Iraqis that Star Wars III Will "Undoubtedly Be The Greatest Movie Ever Screened"

Man Fends Off Possible Polar Bear Attack With CO2 Spewing Lincoln Navigator

Genetically Modified Hot Dog Disgusts Itself

World's Frailest Man Fractures Eyelash

Opinion: Can't We All Agree To Disagree About Who Gave Leprosy to Whom?

Molehill Slated For Expansion

New Pope To Reblock Pope Hat

Curmudgeon Opposes Aspartame and Kiwi-Lime-Mango Splash in City Water

Coming Up on Headlines: The Earth- One More Convienience And the Jig is Up

John Ratzenberger Has Not, Repeat Not, Been Elected Pope. We regret the error.

Rumsfeld Sternly Warns Himself Against Corruption and Incompetence

Illustrating a Point About Long Term Debt Insecurity, President Whacks Elderly Pensioner With Baseball Bat

Tri-Cities Area Communist Party Declares a General Strike, in the Sense of Trading
Shifts at Powell's Food-Co-Op

In First Assault on Poverty, Wolfowitz At World Bank Moves to Eliminate Capital Gains Taxes for Those in Bangladesh Making Less Than 1500 Rupees A Year

Jewelton, Nebraska Fails In Bid To Make World's Largest Submarine Sandwich by Over Three City Blocks

Hot Chick Distracted by Brochure

OPINION: Sometimes It's Hard to Tell Whether it's Really God or Another Lame Schizophrenic Episode is Talking To You

Angelina Jolie Orders Mixed Greens Salad

Adorable Kittens Blame Faulty, Tempting Wiring

Lugubrious Jones Briefly Cheered By Inexpensive Electric Fireplace

Coming Up on Headlines: After Difficult Negotiations With Maniacal Tobacco Store Clerk , Prince Albert Has Been Released

In Surprise, John Paul II Rewarded in Heaven with 72 Virgins

Primitive Hill People Install Lucrative Ski Lift

Ebert Says Vietnam II Not As Good as Original Vietnam

Quentin Tarrantino Takes Vow of Silence, Or More of a Long Pause Really

Superman Has Finally Had It, May Fly Around World and Reverse Time To Change Presidential Election

Robot Scientists Demand Right to Submit Grant Proposal in Binary

Seattle To Destroy Aging Alaska Way Viaduct With Explosive Pent-Up Emotions

Adorable Kitten Falls Asleep on Other Adorable Kitten, To Considerable Inconvienience

Travel Writer Enjoys Ames, Iowa Denny's Exactly as Much as Boise, Idaho Denny's

Incompetent Clerk Risks Spearing as Conquistador Impatiently Waits in Line to Return Defective 'Phantom Menace' DVD to Target

OPINION: These Outrageous Fuel Prices Are Cutting Into an Average Gas Huffer's Already Limited Budget

LATEST FINDING: Endangered Species Really Love Living Endangerously

Even New Doritos Packaging Fattening

Bush Calls for 'War on Air'

Coming Up on Headlines Weather: These Particular Particulates Won't Take It Lying Down

CARDINALS PONTIFICATE

Noble Fir Appalled by Proximity to Common Pine

OPINION: How Can any Self-Respecting Video Store Call 6 Beta Copies of Ass Pilots IV an Adult Section?

Candyless Man Partly Assuaged by Lozenge

Chaos as Giant Hershey's Kiss Hot Air Balloon Deflates on Top of Dick Cheney

Rumsfeld Lauds Fat Elvis

Smore Mugged; Gingerbread Suspect Missing

FCC To Phase Out Legal Skipping Over Ads

University of Michigan Study: America Also Losing Popularity in America

Man Reconciles Self to Wife's Enormous New Breasts

Couple Who Spent $78,000 on Unsucessful Infertility Treatments Relates to Friend's Loss of Leukemia-Wracked Child in Butane Explosion

Coming Up on Headlines: No matter how tempting at the gas station, don't point to the Hummer and laugh.

Sexy New Computer Features Shaved Connectors

POPE TOTALLY ALIVE AGAIN- FOX Reports

Tom Delay Corruption Query Launched Into Outer Space

Alan Greenspan Found Naked Licking Female Brooklyn Scenester at Club Metro, Blames X, Market Up Sharply

Leaders Laud Pope Plus Reagan for Beating Up Gorbachev in Dark Kiev Alley in 1985, Causing No More Communism

Adorable Kittens Feign Interest

Onion Reader Notes Uncanny Similiarites to Own Pathetic Life

Let's Say U.S. Widget Production Moves to Shanghai

LATEST REPORT: Run!

Icelanders "Most Hilarious" Scandanavians

University of Michigan Study: Strong Correlation Between Cheap Scotch, Humiliating Golf Scores and U.S. Tax Policy

U.S. Consumers Urged to Turn Falling Real Wages, Evaporating Job, Health Care and Retirement Security Into Amazing Opportunity to Buy Shiny Things on Credit

Giant Floating Brain from Nebular Seven Receives Free Teeth Whitening Coupon for New Patients

Coming Up on Headlines Weather: Probably Nothing to Worry About Just Yet, But Storing 300 Gallons of Clean Water is Never a Bad Idea

GOD TEMPORARILY POPELESS

Wolfowitz Realizes Life-Long Dream of Chance to Help the Poor

Papal Vestament Makers Expect Robust 4th Quarter

Beer Ad Campaign Apparantly Conceived While Drinking Beer

Report on Pre-War Intelligence Delayed to Order Some Fajitas

Accident-Prone Denver Boy Inconsequentially Upsets Large Display of Bags of Marshmellows

MBA Pteryadactyls launch DyingMeat.Com

Terry Schiavo Urn Clearly Expresses Wish to Live

Tri-Cities Area Communist Party Loses Token Trotskyist to Job at Paint-Ball Arena

Lemming Psychiatrist Sees Plunge in Business

Specialists Dispatched as Rural Arkanasan Diagnosed 'Debonaire'

Adorable Kittens Cease Day's Toil

Amusing Gadget Breaks, Then Fails to Amuse

Pickles the Border Terrrier Indifferent to Post-Structuralism

Manageable Goals Revolutionary Kisses Warm, Soft Account Executive

Bee Union Busted; Workers Will Return Immediately to Ceaseless Buzzing

Queasy Sleaze Eases Breezy Sneeze

Unnecessary High School Work History Form Sucks Man's Eyes Out of Head

Rumsfeld Insists Bob Saget Added Much To America's Funniest Home Videos With Falsetto Witticisms

Certain Holes Gauged As Depressingly Empty

Coming Up on Headlines: Why Your Feeble, Desperate Clawing at Meaningful Experience is About to Be Professionally Discredited

Gliteratti 'Literal'
----------------------------------------------------------

NEBRASKA REPORTED MISSING

GOTH TEENS INCITE HOT TOPIC WORKERS' REVOLUTION

A.A.R.P. INSISTS BUSH GET OFF THE LAWN

National Gingivitis Association Prepared to Fight Gum Control

U.S. Postal Service Orders 50 Cent to Increase Himself to 54 Cent as of June 30th

Girlfriend Says '87 Corolla Wagon "Mildly Improved" By Sheepskin Seatcover, Not "Pimped"

Vatican: Holy Spirit Taking Zoloft

Gen. Augusto Pinochet Receives Coupon for Free 1-Topping Pizza With Purchase of A Pizza of Equal or Lesser Value

University of Michigan Reports Behavior of Psychology Students Dangerously Over-Studied

Lemur Unswayed

Report: Paul Wolfowitz Pledge to Reduce Poverty Draws Heavily on Jonathon Swift Proposal*

Adorable Kittens Mesmerized By Flossing

"Internet Explorer" Re-Named "Microsoft Virus Bag XP"

University of Robots Robot Scientists Robot Sociology Report Reports Robot Nightmates of Ctrl-Alt-Delete More Common Than Once Computed

View of Young Woman's Impressive Decolletage Ruined by Inexpensive Christian Jewelry

Latest Finding: Seasoned Olive Oil Overated

Poll of Elderly American Moderates Reveals 51% Involuntarily Slapping Selves in Head

Fading Seattle Rock Star Pays Expert to Keep Bass Meticulously in Tune

Biker Leaves Crank Stash in Other Pants

*Caution: Some Headline Jokes May Require Liberal Arts Education