Rivaling David Blaine, Hilary Clinton To Stand Perfectly Still For Two Weeks

Tom Cruise In Negotiations To Star in Home Alone VI on Lifetime

FEMA ANNOUNCES IT'S 3-POINT BIRD FLU PLAN:
SCREAM, WAVE ARMS, AND RUN AWAY

Giant Kitten Loses Muttons

Daffodils, Fluffy Bunnies and Bluebirds "Exasperated"

Darfur Agreement Vows "Steady Reduction" in Machine-Gunning Starving Farmers

POLL: BUSH REMAINS VERY POPULAR AMONG SENIOR MEN WHO YELL AT CHILDREN REGARDING UNAUTHORIZED LAWN PRESENCE

Delaware "Through Being Cool"

IN TODAY'S OPINIONS: This Was NOT Your Oil Tanker to Drag Race Into Rotterdam in the First Place

Today's Hi-Tech Cuisine Feature: San Jose's Posh Mechanique Offers
Lightly Blackened Robot Sprockets in a Delicate Plum Reduction Sauce

Expensive Leather Jacket Suffers as Adorable Kitten Finds Shoulder Perch Impressive, But Unreliable

South Park Creators Help Nice Old Lady Cross Street

COMING UP ON HEADLINES: Why Your Outwardly Cheerful But Resentful Parakeet May Be Scheming to Sell Your Daughter's Image to the Pornographers