CATHOLIC CHURCH WORRIED THAT NEW MOVIE WILL SPARK "HISTORICALLY REVISIONIST" ALLEGATIONS THAT HUNDREDS OF PRIESTS ARE CHILD MOLESTERS

New Orleans Citizens Re-Elect Mayor, 141-127

Sense of Direction at White House Fades As World "Running Out of Things to Fuck Up"

Secret Service Rescues Bush after Fumbling With I-Pod Attachment Package Enters 2nd Hour

John McCain Sends Back Report That "Power of the Dark Side Unimaginable"

Awkwardness, Embarassment as New Robot Robot Resources Executive Must Fire A Robot For First Time

Cheney Thrilled As Brand New Extra High Collar Black Cape Finally Arrives

Mountain Expedition Postponed Due to Incredible Cuteness of Kitten Sitting in Boot

After Long Struggle, Berlusconi Finally Sedated, "Fixed"

Coming Up on Headlines Weather: Curiously, Intermittent Organ Meats