North Korea Threatening to Nuke Itself

University of Michigan Study: No "Hope" for "Dead"

Vicious Marketing Press Gang Rounds Up Free Verse Poets for Copy

Jimmy Kimmel Grows Slightly Funnier While Sucking Life-Force Out of Sarah Silverman

FBI Subpoenas Much More Porn


Chorus Over Rumsfeld Performance Grows

Study: American Robots Unwilling to Perform Tasks Like Inexpensive Mexican Robots

Adorable Kittens Fight Extradiction to Bathtub

Hot British Band Arctic Monkeys Threatened by Deadly Combination of Global Warming and iTunes

In Today's Opinions, by Jack Abramoff: " The True Fault Here is With the Undue Influence of Money in Political Campaigns, Plus the Dangerously Low Price of Whores and Cocaine."

Onion Staff Suffused With Rue

D.C. Buzzes with Possible VEEP Replacement of
Dick Cheney by Simon Barsinister

WALMART SWEATS PROFITS AS REDNECK FUTURES
RISE TO 5.79 AN HOUR

Bay Area Housing Crisis Drives Economist to Palo Alto

Looking to Future, Florida Presses Forward With Submersible Bus System

Related: Lower East Side To Become Much Like East River