BOLIVIAN PRESIDENT CAPTURED AS GIANT, OVER-ENTHUSIASTIC KOOL-AID PITCHER BURSTS THROUGH WALL

RAPLH NADER DECRIES INSATIABLE "SUPERHERO-INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX"

OPINION: Although Your Suggestion That We "Open the Hatch Now and Escape the Giant Brain-Sucking Snake" is Appreciated, Perhaps We Should All Calm Down and Consider That This Might Be Oxygen-Deprivation Talking

Shots Fired as Starbucks Troops Surround Independent Coffee House

Adorable Kittens Feast on Kibbles Entrails

Experimental Bay Area Bio-Fuel Car Runs on KY Jelly

Socialist Girlfriend Demands Man Return Coor's Light 12 Pack

Old Navy Enlists Coldplay in "Morose Capris" Campaign

Congress May Ban "Public Displays of Disaffection"

An Exultant Bush Beams With Pride as 'Little Helper Wheels' Removed From Bicycle

IN RADICAL CONSERVATION MOVE, U.S. TO CRACK DOWN ON JUST DRIVING AROUND

OPINION: No, I Don't Have the Keys, Darling, Maybe They Fell in The Couch While You Were Making Out With That Hideous Alien

University of Michigan Study: Plump New Breasts May Pay for Themselves in Average 23 Months With Reduced Traffic Fines

Disappointed Roofing Contractor Cancels Graham Cracker Tile Contract

Coming Up on Headlines: Your Future Bio-Cybernetic Dog Will Conveniently Pee Carpet Freshener