U.S. Hopes Rise as Starbucks Asserts Control Over Falujah

Teenage Rumsfeld Nieces Again Requested to Thank Uncle Don for XMAS Gift of Pink Socks With Little Bears on Them, 8th Year in a Row

Pentagon: Iraq Success "Within Reach," When Redefined as "Lack of Success"

Hikers Report Oregon Bigfoot's Frustrated Bellows as Job Outsourced to Cheaper Tibetan Yeti

Killer Bee Gees Relentlessly Sting Target Shoppers With 70's Hits

A Curious Fact! Hilarious Sarah Silverman (Above, Left) Persists In Dating Somewhat Overweight, Much Less Funny Men Other Than Myself

Orthodox 110-Volt, 220-Volt Hardware Sects Condemn Forbidden Robot Love Affair

WAL-MART EMPLOYEE HEALTH CARE COSTS CUT WITH FREE SODIUM PENTATHOL SHOTS

Absolut Vodka Underwrites Musical Scholarship for Advanced Study of the Renaissance Lut

In TODAY'S OPINIONS: ALTHOUGH POTENTIALLY DELCIOUS, WE SHOULD RETHINK OUR PLANS FOR REPAIRING THE DILAPADATED ALASKAN WAY VIADUCT WITH COLUMNS OF PRESSED HAM

Coming Up on Headlines: A Rare and Beautiful Argentinian Butterfly
Obsessed With Homicide