SARUMAN THE WHITE TAPPED FOR CONVENTION KEYNOTE SPEAKER BY GOP

American Officials Set Fear-Mongering Level at "High"

U.S. Losing "Cheap Crap" Trade War

SQUIRRELS' UNION EFFORTS CONCERN PARKS DEPARTMENT

WALMART SUBJUGATES EAST CHINA SEABOARD

C. Elegans, Microscopic Organism, Has Already Seen "The Return of the King" Twice

Concern at North American Bunny Council as Field Romping Declines 27%

ASHCROFT RECUSES HIMSELF FROM TABLE: CONFLICT WITH "MORTAL" FOOD

Greenpeace Charged with Felony Sailor-Mongering REAL Story! SF Chronicle 12/30/03)

FDA: LUNCHMEAT NEITHER FIT FOR LUNCH NOR AS MEAT

American Lesbian Association Forced to Reject Madonna-Spears Temporary Permit Application

Starry-Eyed Chicago Kid To See His Name in Lights at Bloomington Kia Dealership

National Enquirer Redoubles Besmirching Efforts: 2003 Goal of 15,073 Besmirchings in Sight

Long-Feared Lugubrious Chicken Disease Now Reported in Belize

UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN STUDY: NATIONAL MONGERING PROBLEM MAY BE INTRACTABLE

RUPERT MURDOCH'S SOUL REAPPEARS ON EBAY

Amelia Wilson, 7, Last Remaining Unmedicated American Child, Diagnosed with Little Girl Syndrome

Appeasment Waning in Popularity

Capitalism Vs. Democracy: Which Makes More Money?

In Back of Minivan, Packaged $37,000 Artwork Looks Much Like Box of $3.99 Christmas Lights

After Decades of Sacrifice and Work, New Owner of 10-Acre Marin Estate Misses Proximity to 7-Eleven

Lake Washington To Be Drained: Gates' Home Sinking

Iraqi Woman Dizzy with Market Opportunities

Jesus Gets Donut - Much Appreciated

Farm Products CEO Perplexed By Radish

Glory and Promise of America Fulfilled
as Tuvan Throat Singer Shills New Toaster for General Electric

Church Rejects "Good God, Bad God" Characterization

University of Michigan Study's Shocking Conclusion: Not Everyone in America will be Rich Later

Sound of Package Opening: Adorable Kittens' Ears Prick Up

Yosemite Goes Condo; Starting in the 750s

Anti-Makeover Terrorists Strike Chicago Studio With Sweat Pant Bomb

Apartment Dwellers Enjoying "Turf of the Month" Rental Club

Country Club Undertakes Humanitarian Effort - Caddy Sent to Caddy College

Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Park So Close to Hummer it Can't Leave

Ashley Wondering What May Lie Beyond the Mall

Club Med Bartender Racking Brain for New Way to Suggestively Ingest Tequila

The Nine Muses Rise To Bitch-Slap ClearChannel

Serb Nationalists Just Can't Get Enough Genocide

Singer Mocked Bitterly: Fashion Error, Not Vein-Clogging, Soul-Shrinking, Kindergarten-Rhyming Cheeseball Song

Blinking Light Preferred To Parents 2-1

THIS CHRISTMAS, FOR THE PEOPLE THAT HAVE EVERYTHING, BUSH GIVES THEM MORE OF EVERYTHING

GREGARIOUS ASPARAGUS VARIOUSLY DISPARAGED

Okies Rattle Their Crazy Jallopies into Paris

Totally Baked Bend, Oregon Hippie Throws Weight Behind Dean

Audiences Find Compelling Vision of Mythical Earth Contrasts with Multiplex Parking Garage

Graffitto Declaring "Fuck Bush Now" Unspecifically Acclaimed

Latvian Tolkien Society Psyched by Visit From Orc #4387

New Treatment Program Extends Possible Hipness Years Well Into Your 70's

Ugly New Cars Explained: Design "Reject" Pile Accidently Switched with "Develop Immediately" Pile

Conceptual Video Installation Was Better When Originally Televised in 1987

Latest Condo Development Design Perfects Powerful Sense of Clean, Gnawing Despair

Peter Jackson Desparately Trying to Stop Planned CBS "Survivor: Middle Earth"

Bidding War Starts for Corporate Naming Rights to Oakwood Elementary Christmas Cookie Bowl

Adorable Kittens Are Sneaking Up on That Empty Tuna Can

Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Now Mowing Lawn Infrequently

LED BY 101ST AIRBORNE, BUSH ORDERS 3rd ARMY TO "TAKE OUT" CALIFORNIA PUBLIC EDUCATION SYSTEM

S.F. BLACKOUT PANEL FINGERS EXPERIMENTAL DILDOTRON 6000

Cheney Energy Plan to Phase in Boy-Loaded Plutonium Log Furnaces by 2008

Cat of a Thousand Faces Passes Guards as Lugubrious Pekinese

Employment Trend: Pimps Outwhoring to Bangalore

Meg Ryan Cuteness Resources Stretched Dangeously Thin

Big Lummox's Hummus Flumoxed

Treeless Logging Town Now Growing Hemp to "Log"

Shut Up, Liv Tyler's Talkin' Elvish

Adorable Kittens Consider Plan to Suddenly Bound Across the Room and Climb Up the Curtains

The Hamster: Not Okay with the Plan

Van Gogh's Potato Eaters to 'Go Atkins'

Writer Ryhmes 'Orange' and 'Whore-Grunge,' Appointed U.S. Poet Laureate

Court Orders Lake Trout Apprised of Rights

Racing Slug Hauls Long Slimy Ass

CNN Headline Writer Asking Rudi Bahktiar Out: How About Thursday?

Ian McKellen to Hygenist: You Shall Not Floss

Real Estate Pressures Force Greenspan to Restrict Supply of Monopoly Money

Doctors at Bethesda Naval Hospital OK Bush's Knees; Overall Diagnosis: Healthy but Dumb as a Bucket of Pea-Gravel

Washington State Now Just Going by "Martha"

Sabateurs Suspected In Sabotage

Manageable Goals Revolutionaries T.P. GOP

Wild Pudding Fanciers Sight Red-Crested Warbling Butterscotch

Andora Steps Up Anti-Terror Campaign, Declining to Return the Full Deposit on Al-Qaida Rented Ski Boots

Black Lab Puppy Knows Shame of Leash

Northwest Airlines Pilot Drunkenness Detected after Tequila-Induced Make-Out Session With Security Guard

Evolution of Large Human Brain Linked to Stress Adaptation of Banging Head on Cave Wall

U.S. Fears Increase in News Events

Photo Opportunity Wasted

Adorable Kittens are Very Happy to See You

Cheney's Tiny Horns Increasingly Noticeable

Impressive Gains in GNP Huge Benefit to Mr. John Stapleton of Henry, Pennsylvania: Everyone Else Screwed

ABOMINABLE SNOW OWL SWALLOWING TERRIERS WHOLE

STARBUCKS LOGO NOW SPORTING TINY NIKE LOGO

Robot Slacker will Free Humans From Stress of Hanging Around

Isolation of Sandwich Gene Will Allow Direct Harvest of Pastrami on Rye

Rocket Man Demoted to Jet Boy

Bush Announces Lichtenstein Now Cooperating with Anti-Terror Campaign; Monaco Eyed

Physicist Can Neither Describe What Happens to Matter in a Black Hole Nor Why He Persists in Wearing Blue Shoes and Brown Pants

Moose Faulted for No Sense of Timing

Rare Amazonian Three-Toed Tree Sloth Surprised by Jackson Indictment

Anna Kournakova Loses in Third Set of Whack-A-Mole

SUPREME COURT: BURDEN OF PROOF NOW RESTS ON ANONYMOUS INNUENDO

Man Seeking Capacitor Throws Radio Shack Into Total Chaos

Dress Barn Introduces Popular Panty Shed

Seahawks: Away-Game Charter Jet Leaking Carbon Monoxide into Cabin

Controversial SUV Runs on Otter Juice

Britany Spears Decries Shameless Sexual Exploitation of Christina Aguillera

Jerry Bruckheimer Ratings Magic Coming to C-SPAN

U.S. TO IMPOSE MARKET ECONOMY ON AFRICAN GREEN MONKEYS

"Rhodes Scholar Rage" Erupts in Caustic, Penetrating Wit

Knockoff Watch Crisis Dooms Broadway Economy

IRAN: SADDAM OWES BILLIONS IN LATE VIDEO FEES

Dollar Gains Against Cents

Bomb-Disabling Device Saves Bomb

Window Closed; Adorable Kittens Suddenly Trapped Inside

Model Rocket Flight Cancelled Due to Mean Six-Grader

Beltway Outsider at Odds with Self

Adorable Kittens Totally Blown Away by Passing Vole

Oregon Court: Medical Marijuana Does Not Extend to Eugene Doctor's Monster Bong

Bush Visits Troops - Keeps Looking at Watch

FERC Pushes Hard for Coal-Fired Cell Phone Subsidy

Garment Workers Union Strikes in Solidarity with A-Rod in Contract Dispute

Summer Blackout: Evil Pixies from Zanitor At Root of Problem

Richard Nixon Zombie Bitterly Resents Charismatic JFK Zombie

Troubled Bridge Despondent, Attempts to Jump Off Self

'82 K-Car Shunned by Mercedes Service Dept

Sex Worker Caught Spot-Welding During Break

University of Michigan Study: Opening, Consuming Small Packets of Ketchup Robs Diners of Essential Human Dignity

Tiny Starbucks Stores Snuck Inside Individual Commuters' Mini-Vans Overnight

LORDS: "OVERLORDS ARE STUCK-UP"

Real Estate Study: Toad-Brained Bigots with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder as Neighbors Increase Property Values

Tyco, Recovering From Scandal, Spins Off Operations to Concentrate Solely on Model Trains

Israeli Fence Bringing the World Together

Schwarzenegger Move Puts Brakes on California Bio-Robotic Research

Manageable Goal Revolutionaries Key Car Taking Up Two Spaces

Adorna, Elf of Rivendell, Daughter of Ragnar the Wise and Lornia the Fair, Fails to Get Upgrade Due to Angry Dispute Over Carry-On Items

(Grants Pass, OR) UN Security Council Extremely Concerned; Field of Sheep, Less So

George W. Bush, in Cryptic Aside, Refers to Something called His Precious

Drivers Always Safe and Courteous, So Says Trucking Company

University of Michigan Study: Oregon Not Unlike Washington

INDIA ROCKED BY SCANDAL: TRANSEXUALS ON FAKE MARRIAGE, COW-TIPPING SPREE

Twinkle Team and Justice League Meeting Halfway

Truly Priceless Artifact Sold on EBay for Infinity $

Amgen Isolates Immunex-Clotting Gene

Newspaper Reports Dogs More Popular than Cats, Adorable Kittens Pee on Newspaper

Barrista Irritating Customers With Poorly Executed Cockney Persona

Mick Jagger's Illegitimate Children Attempt Panama City Coup

Monkey Goes Apeshit

Ann Coulter Dominant in The Three Manly Sports

Keiko the Killer Whale is Buried at Sea

Sadaam's Hideout Now Listed for $975/Month, Year-Lease

Lost Hunter Kills Bear with Knife, Crawls Inside Body to Stay Warm - Embarassing as Motel 6 Only 1/2mile Away.

HAPPINESS APPEARS ELUSIVE

Adorable Kitten Loses Certain Amount of Innocence When it Crushes, Eats Daddy-Long Legs

Bob Dylan's Son Ready for a Comeback

Too Fine a Point Put On Point By Man Saying "Not to Put Too Fine a Point On It"

Total Effort Produces Utter Debacle

U.S. Begins Mailing Millions of Individual Insults to French Citizens

Between Booze, Whores and Dryer Time, Laundromat Costs are Adding Up

Pfizer Introduces "Lifex" Pill, Unaffordable Treatment for Death

Nowdays, Old Men Got All the Money

Lexus ES Advanced Design Muffles Constant Bumps, Screams of Careless Pedestrians


As Expectations Wane, Disenchantment Grows

Branson, Missouri Hosts Starfish-Like Alien Which Disguises Itself as Theater Featuring Kenny Rogers and Gobbles Up Midwest Pop-Country Fans Like so Many Chicken-in-a-Biscuits

US Army's Ability to Rock Out Widely Discredited by Army Band

New Pizza is a Wheel of Hot Cheese With a Small Ring of Bread Inside

U.S. Promises More Enchantment

Minty Flavor Also Added to City Water Supply

Tankers Pouring Cherry Syrup into North Pole in Attempt to Make Enormous Slurpee

Wolves are After My Burrito

Romantic Carriage Ride Marred by Automatic Weapons Fire

Everyone but Everyone Hates Small, Unpleasant Boy

Alan Greenspan Cannot Contain Christmas Excitement

Dow Hits 10,000, But Your Ass is Grass

Costco Introduces Submersible Big Box Store in Puget Sound

Dumbshit Could Give a Fuck

Woman Uses Lincoln Navigator to Drive Right Over Curb into Lampost

Mob Beating of Executive Began with use of Word "Synergistic" in Justifying Mass Layoffs

Pigeon Feeling Randy

Revolutionary-Americans Split 50-50 on What to Do With Paris Hilton When Revolution Comes

Americans Tire of Amazing New Products, Switch Back to Products

Ink on Closing Dry 15 Minutes Before Ceiling Drips

Eternity of Torment Awaits Damned Socks

Ballard News-Tribune Pushes Comments Aside, Runs "Wild About Beavers" Headline

Enchantment Supplies Low, Prices Up

US: Sadaam Could Use Regular Flossing

Physicists Declare Dark Matter Theory Supplanted by "Goth Matter"

Sadaam Reportedly was Following Phish, Living in Bars, Hangin' With Nick Nolte

Capitalism Reported as Nifty way for Owners of Capital to do Fuck-All

Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Occupy Parking Space

String Theory Turns Out to be as Easy as Looking at Pie

Depressed Walruses Lie Around All Day, Hardly Moving

Boeing Moves to Dominate Go-Kart Market

Parrots Sick of the Lies

Massive "Lame" Front Moves Through Eastern Washington; Spokane, Pasco Described as "Totally Lame"

Suzy at the HMO Decrees That I Shall Live

Jiffy Lube Branching Into Gynecology

Manageable Goal Revolutionaries Sticks Post-It to the Man

Berlin: German Anal Retentiveness Extensively Documented, Categorized, and Indexed Yet Still Ineffably Disorderly

Dumbshit Gives it A Whirl

A-Rod Traded To Ghana for it's GNP

Recording Label Attorney Faces Ethical Crisis in Six-Minute Increments

Urban Fruit Bats Evolving into Pop-Tart Bats

Bush Moon Plan Reformed as Moon Pie Plan

Windows XP Professional Fails to Impress Masai Warrior

PANEL OF NOBEL ECONOMISTS CHARACTERIZE BUSH ADMINISTRATION'S ECONOMIC POLICIES: "DINE AND DASH"

Some Sunset Dim Sum Yummy, Some Gummy, Some Seems Dim - Missy Elliot Reviews Bay Area Restaurants

BUSH DEMANDS HALLIBURTON REPAY HUGE OVERCHARGES: THE GOVERNMENT NEEDS THE MONEY TO PAY TINY FRACTION OF OTHER PAYMENTS TO HALLIBURTON.'

ICE-CAP MELTING PROTEST: 'Million Penguin March' Nears Washington

Manageable Goal Revolutionary Overthrows Flag Football Receiver

"Former Mensch Shtupping Chiksa" - Casper, Wyoming Tribune

Little-Known Treaty Obligation has Trident Missile Warheads Replaced with Cookie Dough

I'll Bet that Porn Star is Cold

Thrashing Shredders Wickedly Burn Two-Plank Wankers

Zebra Released on Own Recognizance

Newly Discovered Eagle Species Sports Testicles the Size, Shape and Texture of Kiwis

Shania Twain Confused When Presented With Guitar

After 20 Years, Metallica Now Just Kind of Sad

Bush Moon Plan Flag Also Unsaluted on Earth

7th Day Adventists to Consider Adding Second Week

Manageable Goal Revolutionaries Hit Halliburton HQ: Knock on Door, Leave Flaming Bag of Poo

Estate of Cab Calloway to Issue Heidi Heidi IPO

IKEA Introduces Chipboard Volvo

Mathematician's Friend is Lozenge and Supercomputer

Brain Teaser Just Trying to Get Brain in Bed

Micropeasants Developed for Grovelling in Hard to Reach Spots

Maya Angelou Shells out for Poetic Placement in Movie

Supermodel Peripatetic Transversing Lower East Side Sets New Land Speed Record

Monkey-Feces Tossing Spat engendered by Fillibuster

Haliburton to Eliminate Middlemen at IRS, Congress, Collect U.S. Taxes Directly

Moon Juice: Tang $250K Donation to GOP Revealed

Limbaugh, Dr. Laura Makeout Shown on Fox - GOP Birthrate Plummets

Molecular Transistors Used to Make Radio - Radio too Small to Use

T-Mobile Produces Wheelless Doublewide

Santa Drops Whole Fucking Coal Mine on Crawford, Texas

This Year's Billy Bass, "Chattering Cheney," Sales Disappointing

Village of Tupagah, Burkina Faso, Reports Things Are Hunky-Dory

Impossible Mission Force Sent to Discredit Bush Like a Kid in A Candy Store

Chirstmas Candy Storm Dumps 12 Inches of Marshmellow Cream along Eastern Seaboard; Forecast for Weekend: Sprinkles.

Computer Organizing now much easier with Computer Organizing Computer

Animal Sports Breeding Practices Questioned as Iditarod Musher enters with team of 600 3 inch Malemutes

Release of Helium Gas into Chamber Fails to Lift Tense, Desparate Mood of Israeli-Palestinian Negotiations

Abercrombie and Fitch Catalog, Hustler "Hot Naked Elves" Issue Inadvertently Switched in Mail

"Crickey! Look at that $600 Billion Hole!" Melbourne Zoo Director's Tenure at Government Accounting Office may be Limited

UW English Department Academic Fiefdom Places Want Ads for "Grammatically Conscious, Jump-Suited Minions."

Administration pulls out of International Poodle Treaty "For Spite."

"Check Out This Little Bald Guy and 'is HUGE FANGS!!" Melbourne Zoo Director IDs White House source of CIA Agent Leak

Deep in Pentagon, Black Budget Surveillance Agency with NSA, Never Officially Acknowledged, Unable to Print Large JPEG file.

Reinstallation of Windows XP into Critical Computer Controlled System Updates Old Files, Floods Netherlands

Court Limits Intellectual Property to Books, Papers, Pipes, and Tweed Jackets

Karl Rove Hit by Tranquilizer Dart, Wrestled to Ground, Put in Bag and Driven Away by Melbourne Zoo Director

PJ Harvey No Longer Emotionally Available

Amgen Announces "Bootylicious Gene" Breakthrough

Massive $45 Billion Effort Redoubled, Tens of Thousands Mobilized, Divisions Assigned, Activity Reaches New Plateau of Ferocity; Purpose Obscure

Bush Moon Plan Requires Branding Moon

Rigorous Tests Confirm Robot Zombies Every Bit as Capable as Real Zombies

Bush Moon Plan Deflated When President Learns We've Already Been to Moon

Lichtenstein Governed Sarcastically

Mt. Coney's Volcanic Gases Invisible, Smell Like Carrots

Undead Zombie Orchestra Genius to Conduct 500th Seattle "Nutcracker"

British Chap Might Have a Go

After a Lifetime of Struggle, Another Big Fat Pile of Struggle

"Manageable Goal" Revolutionaries Topple Portland Coke Machine

24 Hour Bug Tries to Keep Realistic Expectations

Advanced US Thermonuclear Weapons Director at Los Alamos Lab Stuck Waiting Behind Demanding Grocery Customer Paying Slowly with Check

In CIA Leak Probe, Ashcroft Appoints Very Special Counsel

Disagreeable Brain-Frying Cannibals Repulsed by Music Industry

Subway's "Jared" Evidence Thin is on the Way Out

Secret Service Cocaine-Detecting German Shepard's Nose Goes Straight For President's Crotch

New York District Attorney's Office Steps Up Recruiting of Stunning Models as Deputy Assistant District Attorneys

Wolfowitz Reported Jilted in High School By French, Russian, German and Canadian Girls; American Girls Too.

Administration Psyched as New Mastercard with $4 Trillion Limit Arrives in the Mail

Seeking to Contain Salaries, Amgen, Immunex Now Raising Cloned Genetics Scientists in Vats

Adorable Kittens Turn Down Offer of Incredible Journey

Ashcroft Terrifies Lobster Man

SCHWARZENEGER'S AGENDA FAILS, BLOWS CITY FUNDING, FORCED TO BACK DAVIS BOND DEAL, SUED FOR LIBEL, RETREATS FROM LICENSE PLAN, GROPING ALLEGATIONS PERSIST, SLAPPED BY WIFE, STUMBLES ON BANANA PEEL, STEPS IN BUCKET OF RED PAINT, KNOCKED BACKWARDS BY TRAY-LADEN WAITER OPENING DOOR, FINALLY FALLS DOWN THREE FLIGHTS OF STAIRS AND LANDS IN FRONT OF DERISIVE CHILDREN WHO PELT HIM WITH PUDDING CUPS.

ADMINISTRATION STRATEGY TO GET WORLD TO "NOT LIKE US SO MUCH AS RESPECT US" 50% SUCCESSFUL

S.F. MYSTERY MAYOR: JUST A SUIT OR JUST A HAIRCUT?

NANCY PELOSI'S EYEBROWS NOW FLOATING ABOVE HEAD LIKE IN A CARTOON

GORE LOVES BREAKFAST SAUSAGE, THOUGHT HE WAS ENDORSING JIMMY DEAN

LOVELY CNN ANCHOR RUDI BAHKTIAR CONTINUES TO DRESS SUPER-SHARP!

ADORABLE KITTENS WOULD REALLY LIKE KITTY TREATS

TAXICAB CONFESSOR CAUTIOUSLY ADMITS NOT GETTING ANY

LIEBERMAN TOTALLY WAITED BY PHONE FOR DAYS TO HEAR FROM AL AND HAS TO HEAR ABOUT HOWARD FROM ASHLEY RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF URBAN OUTFITTERS IN FRONT OF EVERYONE

WORLD ECONOMY NEAR COLLAPSE AS EXECS, ASSISTANTS TIRE OF MAKING BUSINESS PRESENTATIONS TO EACH OTHER

BIN LADEN NABBED AFTER U.S. PSYCH-OUT WITH INSINCERE 'OLLY, OLLY OXEN FREE.'

PENTAGON ANNOUNCES MASSIVE 'OBSESSIVE CLEANING' PROGRAM

CEMENT TRUCKS SECRETLY FILLED WITH MARGARITAS

IN REVOLTING DEVELOPMENT, NORTON LOSES THE LOTTERY TICKET

SYSCO, U.S. MARKETER OF QUALITY ASSURED FOODSERVICE PRODUCTS, ANNOUNCE MERGER OF "NOMENCLATURAL CONVIENIENCE" WITH CISCO SYSTEMS- ALSO IN TALKS WITH COSTCO

HIPPIE WHO CONTROLS SOFTWARE COMPANY FIRES ALL OTHER HIPPIES

ARTICULATED BUS MUM

TERRORIST DISGUISED GRENADES AS DOUBLE HALF-CAF SOY LATTES

FLORIDA NO LONGER NATIONAL ASSET, OFFERED GRATIS TO CUBA

NEW COMEDY EYEWEAR ALLOWS TED STEVENS' EARS TO EMIT STEAM

LAURA BUSH TRIPS INTO CEMENT WALL, SHATTERS INTO A ZILLION PIECES

NEW $20 BILLION ANTI-BALLASTIC MISSILE SYSTEM IN DELTA JUNCTION ALASKA RATED "GO" TO MAYBE POSSIBLY STOP NORTH KOREAN ATTACK ON YAKUTAT

DISCRETE ORDER BANS BUSH FROM WINDSOR CASTLE, BUCKINGHAM PALACE

COSTCO APARTMENTS OBVIATE NEED TO LEAVE STORE

IN SUDDEN U.N. MOVE, 15,000 SWEDISH MASSAGE THERAPISTS PARACHUTED INTO WEST BANK

"IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE" RE-EDITED TO FEATURE BANK OF AMERICA

SEINFELD ORGANIZES SURPRISE SPECIAL OPS LANDING IN CUBA

CHILDHOOD FRIEND OF RUMSFELD CLAIMS HE WAS WORST PLAYER OF HIDE AND SEEK EVER - COULD BE DODGED FOR WEEKS

TINY, SHRIVELED, ELDERLY BUZZ SAW-VOICE MAN FOUND WANDERING HOUSTON SUBURB I.D.'ED AS ROSS PEROT

DRAG QUEEN CONSIDERS IMPERSONATING CELEBRITY

$300 MILLION EFFORT MILDLY DIVERTING FOR 57 OF 96 MINUTES

NATIONAL ARCHIVES RESTORATION OF ORIGINAL U.S. CONSTUTION SEEMS TO BE MISSING 1ST, 4TH, 5TH AND 14TH AMENDMENTS;SUSPICIOUS AREAS COVERED CRUDELY IN MASKING TAPE

WOMAN CONFUSES MAN, MAN PLOTS REVENGE, REVERSE CYCLE EXPECTED

MAN WOULD RATHER SIT IN CHAIR, BANG ON THE BONGOS

FRIENDS HOPING UNCLE SAM WILL GET OFF THE JUICE

SEATTLE ARTIST AMAZINGLY MISTAKEN IN PREDICTION FOR LIGHT FLU SEASON

LIMBAUGH NOW SUCKING THUMB, WON'T STOP

IF HUMANS DESTROY THEMSELVES, OTTERS PERFECTLY WILLING TO TAKE OVER JOKE-TELLING RESPONSIBILITIES

REDMOND STARBUCKS LOCATIONS NOW CROWDING MICROSOFT

GATES REASSURES SHAREHOLDERS IMPRESSIVE CHARITABLE EFFORTS WILL NOT DISTRACT FROM EVIL SCHEMES

SADAAM: "THEY'LL NEVER LOOK IN HERE."

NADER MAY ENTER RACE - TRANQUILIZER DARTS MAY ENTER NADER

BUSH GRANTS SMITHSONIAN TO SIX FLAGS

EPA RELEASES EVIL FLYING MONKEYS BACK INTO THE WILD

IRAQ, IN FIRST TEST OF DEMOCRACY, VOTES OVERWHELMING AGAINST EXPLOSIONS

$14 MILLION U.S. CULTURAL INITIATIVE NEARLY COMPLETE IN ERADICATING MEMORY OF PAULY SHORE

RENNAISSANCE FAIR GOERS HOSPITALIZED WITH MOCK BLACK PLAGUE

MOB OF MUSCULAR ABSTRACT EXPRESSIONIST OIL PAINTERS PUNCH LIVING SNOT OUT OF JEFF KOONS, RAMPAGE THROUGH CHELSEA BEATING CONCEPTUAL, VIDEO ARTISTS SILLY

SPECIALIZED GPS DEVICE DEPLOYED TO LOCATE G-SPOT

CANADIAN ANTI-TERROR STRATEGY: APPEAR MEEK- FRIENDLY BUT UNASSUMING

WAL MART BEGINS EMPLOYING 'COMFORT WORKERS'

BRITANNY SPEARS RECENTLY INFORMED ABOUT ACTUAL RESPONSIBILITIES OF LESBIANISM

US CUSTOMS SEIZES TAIWAN CARGO SHIP, CONTENTS: OPRAH BOBBLEHEADS 'WAY BELOW PAR, NOT VERY SPROINGY, NOT EVEN BLACK, MORE LIKE CAL RIPKEN IN WIG'

99 CENT STORE TRANSPORTED WAY BACK IN TIME IN ATTEMPT TO BECOME PROFITABLE - BACKFIRES FIRST DAY

"COR BLIMEY, BLOODY DELCIOUS!" U.K. MCDONALD'S CAMPAIGN NIXED FOR U.S.

TEL AVIV BEVERAGE COMPANY INTRODUCES HEMICROBREW

LAST MAN TO UNDERSTAND, USE PHRASE '23 SKIDOO' PASSES AWAY AT 102, BURIED IN STRAW BOATER AND RACOON COAT

DOCTORS INFORM MADONNA SHE HAS ONLY 17 MONTHS LEFT TO BE CONSIDERED 'HOT'

UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN STUDY: GEORGE JETSON KIND OF A CHUMP

TV NEWS STATION DETERMINES POT ONLY SMOKED IN EXTREME CLOSE-UP

FOLLOWING TREND, LIEBERMAN, DISCUSSING MEDICARE IN DES MOINES, SWEARS LIKE A SAILOR

KMART SHOPPERS BALK AT PAYING ATTENTION

HILTON SISTERS ON SEX, PARTYING, DRINKING TEAR THROUGH EAST COAST; BUSH DAUGHTERS FEEL THE PRESSURE

POWERPUFF GIRLS UNABLE TO SAVE KINSHASA

PRESIDENT IN GOOD HEALTH, 'HIGH FUNCTIONING'

NEW VEGETABLE-OIL BASED ADAPTATION OF MOBY DICK RELEASED TO POOR REVIEWS

BARROW ORTHODOX JEWISH COMMUNITY SITTING TIGHT TILL FEBRUARY

WAL MART OCCUPIES NEW GUINEA AS BASE FOR OPERATIONS AGAINST AUSTRALIA

BUSH MADE TO UNDERSTAND CONCEPT OF 'ISLAND'

WAL MART ATTACKS PEARL HARBOR

US 101st AIRBORNE DIV., IN NORTHERN IRAQ, SURPRISED BY DEADLY NINJA ASSASSINS

VLADMIR PUTIN STUMPED BY X Q M R I TILES

VENDING MACHINE COFFEE STILL DISAPPOINTING AT 40 CENTS

REPTILIAN FAX TREE INFORMS VARIOUS LIZARDS

NEW TESTAMENT SHORTER THAN PLANNED - HAMPERED BY LACK OF APOSTLES' OFFICE SUPPLIES

CIA ON IRAQ: MISSION 'IN REVERSE ACCOMPLISHMENT'

LIBERTARIAN PARTY CONVENTION DESCRIBED AS SUBCONSCIOUSLY HOMOEROTIC

ADORABLE KITTENS ADMIRE HUMOROUS INSPIRATIONAL POSTER

MR. BIG SHOT CELEBRITY BETTER TAKE OBSCURE TRASH TO CURB

DeVRIES INSTITUTE GRAD CANNOT LOCATE JOB, GIRL

UNFAMILIAR PAPER BAG VEXES ADORABLE KITTENS

ANGELINA JOLIE'S BREASTS SOLEMNLY APPLAUDED

ENRON, ORACLE, TYCO IN URGENT DISCUSSIONS TO ACQUIRE PRISON MANAGEMENT CONTRACTS

WAL MART INNOVATES WITH NEGATIVE SALARIES

GLOBAL WARMING, FLOODING TO BRING EAST COAST, WEST COAST HIP HOP RIVALS TOGETHER, PROBABLY NEAR DENVER IN 2064

REDNECK YET STRUGGLES FOR FIRM SELF-DEFINITION

CLEARING OUT EXCESS ENDANGERED SPECIES TOP ADMINISTRATION ENVIRONMENTAL PRIORITY

TONY BLAIR JUST KEEPS WHACKING HIMSELF ON THE FOREHEAD

ELECTRO-BRAIN USED FOR ROBOT BUSH COMPARABLE TO PLAYSTATION 2

DELICIOUS PIE WARMLY EMBRACED BY MANY CULTURES

FRUSTRATED CONDI RICE MAY REQUIRE SPECIAL ASSISTANCE TO GET FREAK ON

EFFECTIVE CAR ALARM PLAYS COMPLETE, 110 DECIBEL 'STARS AND STRIPES FOREVER'

ADORABLE KITTENS DREAM OF SLEEPING IN WARM, COMFY PILLOW EXACTLY LIKE THE ONE THEY'RE SLEEPING IN NOW

ADMINISTRATION NOW CLAIMS IRAQ, IRAN INADVERTENTLY BUT UNDERSTANDABLY CONFUSED WITH EACH OTHER

KENNY G INTRODUCED TO JAZZ

MONSTER TRUCK ESCHEWS EXPLOSIVE JUMPS, PREFERS QUIET TIME WITH SEDAN FRIENDS

WAL MART OCCUPIES BURMA, EXTENDING EAST ASIA CO-PROSPERITY SPHERE; BRITISH EXPELLED, THOUSANDS FLEE

JITTERY COFFEE CUSTOMER, PINING FOR BEAUTIFUL BARRISTA, IS ALL-A-TWITTER

MEDICAL SCIENTISTS DISCOVER NECK-BONE, BACK-BONE CONSISTS OF COMPLEX INTERCONNECTED VERTABONES

BORIS BADANOV ADMITS RELEASE OF TOXIC GOOF GAS IN TEXAS LEGISLATURE, 1998

AS A YOUNG FAMILY RECOVERS FROM TRAGEDY, DONATION OF FREE LAP DANCES HAS UNINTENDED CONSEQUENCES

CONCRETE DECRIED

BUSH, IN APPALLING SING-SONG FAKE IRISH ACCENT CLAIMS 'O, NAY, I NEVER HAID NA CARE FER TOMORROW.'

PAUL WOLFOWITZ DESCRIBED WARMLY BY RUMSFELD AS "OUR FIFTH COLUMN IN THE WAR AGAINST PEACE.'

WOMAN ABOUT TO MAKE DAMN SURE SHE GETS SOME

ADMINISTRATION STUDIES WAYS TO ACCELERATE 9 INCH/ ANNUM NORTH AMERICAN CONTINENTAL DRIFT AWAY FROM EUROPE

'QUEER EYE' REVIEW OF PRESIDENT AIRCRAFT CARRIER TAPE: BUSH CLEARLY 'PRANCING'

ADORABLE KITTENS CONCERNED BY ENCOUNTER WITH FAMILY DOG - RAPIDLY RE-DEPLOY TO CUPBOARD-TOP REDOUBT

BICYCLE LANES VIEWED AS DOMESTIC TERRORISM

FACING RELENTLESS WAL MART ONSLAUGHT, BRAVE STAND OF MARINES AT WAKE ISLAND MINI-MALL MAY BE DOOMED AS U.S. SALES FLEET WITHDRAWS

Soldiers in Bagdad Raid Porn Shop, Locate Weapons of Ass Instruction Video

In Compromise Over Reagan Dime, US Mints $500 Billion Coin; 12 Produced for Deficit

Karl Rove Suffers Concussion; Asked in Hospital Who is President Replies "Al Gore."

Seahawks Starter Sidelined for Season with Self-Esteem Issues

Columbus Discovery of America Refuted; Norway Sues for Possession.

Contract Dispute Forces Russell Crowe to Star in "The Charles Nelson Reilly Story"

Billy Tanner's Weekend Box Office Receipts:
"Cat in the Hat," $5.50 (Matinee)
"Kill Bill," $9 (Lied About Age)
"Haunted Mansion," $0 (Snuck in After "Cat,")

Would-Be S.F. GOP Mayoral Candidate Reported Depressed, Weeping Softly in Bean Bag Chair

Boeing Attempts to Lay Off 40,000 Airbus Employees

Mike Myers Carefully Avoided at Hollywood Party

Disney's "Snoop Dog's Children's Televizzle" Goes Awry

Marketing Tie-In for "SeaBiscuit" Dog-Food Canned

Defeated Energy Bill Included $250,000 Write-off for "Passenger Tanks"

CNN Crawler Spellcheck Melfunctions

Girl Aghast as Mr. Floppy Ears and Miss Whiskers Cannot Agree on Pink or Blue Ribbon

S.F. Policy Shift as Parking Tickets Issued Before Car Leaves Garage

Toddler Decides Running Around in Circles Yelling is Best

Ken Lay's Comedy Groucho Glasses Fail to Enliven Congressional Hearing

Distracted by Adorable Kitten, Little Girl Forgets Fuzzy Bunny Dispute

Temp. Worker Embezzles Net Amazon Profit, Blows it on Several Donuts

Icelandic Hip-Hop Movement Unfortunately Growing

Man Not Precisely Admiring Stylish Cut of Girl's Jeans

Formerly Active Volcano Not Getting Enough Excercise; Now Smells Like Corn Chips

Conservatives Decry Public Transit in Christmas Window Displays

Headline "Minnie Driver Drives Mini," Reported Not Funny, But Still Unavoidable

NIMH Loses It, Institutionalized

Web Designer Considers Tougher Looking Leather Jacket

Man Cites Howard Stern, Torpedos Rare Date

New Anchorage Attraction: "Wall-Mart Yahoos of the Last Frontier"

Majestic Beauty of Alaska Range Scorned: Lacking 'Pottery Barn'

Comfortable, Stylish Weapons Platform Features Heavy Armoire

Discolored Shoes Repell Nordstrom's Clerks

FuckMonkey would Appreciate Just Being Held

"Come Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" Christmases Up Men's Restroom

Woman's Neckline Pretty Attractive Without Sparklies

Blink 182 Supposedly No Longer Punk Rock

Haircut Subtlety Distinguishes Trendy Girl From Gutter Punk

Al Sharpton Pegged For V.P. : Comedy Sidekick

Fuzzy Bunnies Invite Small Girl to Tea

Manhattan "Piano Assassin" Suspect in 3 East Village Squishings,
7 D# Minor Chords

December 7th Now "Living in 'Famy"

Outlook Grim as Wasilla Sinks Budget Into Attracting Bio-Tech

Concern Grows as Robots Shave Legs

The Flash's Squirrelly Attentions Irritate Wonder Woman

Tacoma Fooling Itself

Ann Coulter Glad to See Victoria's Secret Special

Hew and Cry Outpanics Hullaballoo

Fox Announces $30 Million Campaign to Convince America Adam Sandler Funny

Grim Reaper Backs Medicare Reform

Homo Erecti, Neanderthals, Troglodytes Abandon Limbaugh - Australiopithecenes Steadfast

Shoe on Other Foot Mirror Image of First Shoe

501st Top Company Sues Next Biggest; Minor Award Vaults Them in Fortune 500

Red '85 Dodge Coupe Sports 'Truly Pathetic' Leather Bra

Dalai Lama, Attending White House Speech, Heard to Mutter "Dumbfuck" Under Breath
Restraining Order Taken Out Against "American Woman"

Starving on Lifeboat, "Foodie" Insists on Provincal Italian Shoe

Convienient Technology Due to Become Oppressive Necessity

Cabbie Allows Merging Car to Go First

Uma Thurman, Liv Tyler, Gwen Stefani Apparantly Enter Some Sort of Secret Pact to Pretend to Ignore Seattle Artist

Eminem Hospitalized with Bout of Modesty

New Autobiography of FCC's Mike Powell: "Tool"

Famous NPR Opera Wit Somewhat Lost on Tweens

Intimidatingly Stylish Gallery-Going Culture Vultures Actually Community College Art History Majors

Merck Shares Gain with "Methacor" - New Time-Release Crank

Marketing Goon Mugs Poet- Makes Off with Nice Turn of Phrase

Limo Too Fucking Long

River Otter Reported Despondent

Seattle Based Boy-Band Doomed

Plaid Neither Comes Back Nor Completely Disappears

Sir Mix-A-Lot Sanctions Donut Craze

Will o' The Wisp Buys House, Settles Down

Resident Uses Seattle Monorail for Actuals Transport

Mom Concerned by Today's Culture

New Slightly Desperate Fashion Popular With Men

Family Values Include Walking 6 Abreast, Clogging Sidewalk

Apparant Political Protest Actually Furniture Sale

[Saturday December 6th, 2003 07:38:02 PM]

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE USED TO CLEAR MINEFIELD

MOB MUSCLES IN ON WOODLAND CREATURES

INQUISITIVE AUSTRIAN GORED BY RARE HORNED KOALA

GABRIEL GARCIA MARQUEZ CONSTANTLY PESTERED BY NOISY, PUSHY NEIGHBORS

UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN PHILOSOPHY REVIEW: PLATO KIND OF A DICK

SILVER SURFER CONTACTS PRESIDENT WITH EMERGENCY SPACE KO-AN:
"You are the 3 sounds made
by the falling car keys of America
as they plunge through the sewage grate
of national being."

HILTON SISTERS BOLSTER CASE FOR STEEP NEW INHERITANCE TAX

IMPERFECT STORM MOISTENS PARKING LOT

ANONYMOUS TIPSTER FINGERS PREVIOUS ANONYMOUS TIPSTER

11 YEAR OLD: WAR GAME MAKES WAR LOOK FUN

JUDGE RULES 1000S OF MURDERERS FREED: LIBERAL WHIMSY

NASA TEEN EDUC PROGRAM'S ATTEMPT TO SOUND COOL FALLS FLAT

NEW LINCOLN NAVIGATOR EQUIPPED WITH SEGWAY TO SCOOT AROUND CAVERNOUS INTERIOR

ADORABLE KITTENS FALL HARMLESSLY OFF TABLES TO BACHMAN TURNER OVERDRIVE SONG

POP-IN-JAYS, FOPS, DANDIES MISTAKEN FOR METEROSEXUALS

TRENDY SHOPPERS REALIZE ONLY GOOD LOOKING PEOPLE IN TARGET STORE ARE ON GIANT FOAMBOARD PHOTOS

SCRUMPTIOUS TYRA BANKS, DELICIOUS PASTRAMI SANDWICH AT LOGGERHEADS

BUSH TALKED OUT OF SQUIRTING FLOWER GAG FOR QUEEN AT LAST MINUTE

ADORABLE KITTENS ORGANIZE, FORM DARLING UNION

AMERICAN IDOL TALENT THWARTED BY NAUSEATING MATERIAL

YALE CONFESSES: WE'LL LET IN ANY SNOT-NOSED ASSWIPE WITH SUPERWEALTH AND CONNECTIONS

DA VINCI PAINTING, RICH IN HIDDEN SYMBOLISM, REVEALS PASSING INTEREST IN CROP ROTATION

CONCEPTUAL ARTIST TOO LAZY TO STAND STILL, BELCH, ISSUE VIDEO DOCUMENTATION

OUT-OF-CONTROL ALCOHOLIC REACHES 13TH STEP

ADORABLE KITTENS UNION WALKS: REAL CREAM, LONGER NAPS

HILTON SISTERS MATR.... MACKTI... MATICUTICLE... START GOING TO YALE

MOOSE ISSUES DENIAL THROUGH SPOKES-ELK

CABLE CHANNEL'S VAUNTED 'ATTITUDE' JUST LOUDER ANNOUNCERS, MORE RAPID EDITING

SITCOM BASED ON PROUST'S SWANN'S WAY TO FEATURE LOVABLY QUIRKY FAMILY, CRAZY NEIGHBOR, TRADING OF GOOD-NATURED INSULTS

DOGGED QUESTIONS POSTPONE NIKE 'TRIUMPH OF THE WILL' CAMPAIGN

ADORABLE KITTENS STRIKE ERUPTS IN VIOLENCE: AIR PAWED, RUG SCRATCHED, YARN TANGLED, MEWING REPORTED DEAFENING

JESSICA SIMPSON ANGRILY RESPONDS SHE IS NOT HALF AS DUMB AS TWO BOXES OF HAIR

SUV SOILED

DOJ: KEN LAY NOT GUILTY BY REASON OF WEALTH

TAPE OF SENATOR LIEBERMAN'S VOICE USED TO DRIVE TERMITES FROM APARTMENT BUILDING

BREAK IN ADORABLE KITTENS' STRIKE AS LEAD UNION NEGOTIATORS DISTRACTED BY TOY MOUSE, ACCEPT HEAD SCRITCHES

ETHAN HAWKE REPORTEDLY STILL BANGING CANADIAN GIRLFRIEND AS WELL AS OWN HEAD ON WALL

FRIENDS CANNOT DISSUADE STEPHEN SEGALL FROM "OPHELIA" ROLE

STEPHEN KING COMPARES SELF TO WRITER

SIEGFRIED TIGER SELLING EXTENDED WARRANTIES AT CIRCUIT CITY

BUSH NOW CONVINCED ASIA NO LONGER COUNTRY

SAN FRANCISCO NEIGHBORHOOD DISCOVERS BUILDING CODE REQUIRES GINGERBREAD

ADORABLE KITTENS SETTLE FOR INCREASED ATTENTION, RETURN TO LAPS

[ Fri Dec 05, 07:43:44 PM


NOKBOR 7: NEW U.S. SPACE INITIATIVE PITIFUL SCHEME OF PUNY HUMAN INTELLECTS

KRIS KRINGLE JUST NOT IN THE MOOD

BUSH "CAN'T RECALL" EXACT MOMENT OF BECOMING WORST U.S. PRESIDENT

INDUSTRY GROUP TOUTS ROBOT CONSUMERS: NEVER TIRE OF BUYING

SURGERY WAITING ROOM LACKS NON-DAIRY CREAMER

GOVERNMENT, VEGAN, ATKINS DIET GROUPS REACH CONSENSUS ON AVOCADO SLICES

GALA DERIDED AS HOOPLA

FIRE ALARM PROBABLY JUST NOTHING

STREET HIPPIE OFFERS AFTERNOON TEA SERVICE

BAPTIST SERIOUSLY UNNERVED BY ATTRACTIVE, ETHNICALLY NON-SPECIFIC TRANSSEXUAL

RESPECTED ARTIST CAN THINK OF 'NO REAL GOOD USE' FOR HUNDREDS OF DIFFERENT COLORED FELT-TIP PENS

RECIPIENT OF OVERNIGHT EXPRESS PACKAGE CONTAINING BONUS FOLDING CHAIR FROM CREDIT CARD COMPANY REALLY COULD HAVE WAITED

VIDEO DIRECTOR CONFUSES OWN WORK WITH ART, RECEIVES SNOTTY LETTER FROM MET

PALESTINIAN MAN ADMITS WOULD PROBABLY SETTLE FOR APARTMENT AND FREE CABLE

U.S.ARMY PERPLEXED BY IRAQI RESENTMENT: HEADS SLAMMED AGAINST WALL FOR VERY GOOD REASON

NATIONAL EMPLOYMENT ANALYST HIRED BY GOP; JOBLESSNESS DECLINES BY 1.

MAN SUSPECTS WOMAN UNLIKELY TO FIND PERFECT SHOE

SELF-ADJUSTING ALL-WHEEL DRIVE, VARIABLE SUSPENSION, INTEGRATED, VOICE-CONTROLLED ONSTAR GPS NAVIGATION SYSTEM INSUFFICIENT TO COMPENSATE FOR TOTAL DRIVER CLUELESSNESS

LAST SEATTLE RESIDENT TO NOT DETEST COURTNEY LOVE REALLY BEGINNING TO WONDER SOMETIMES

B-GRADE TV CELEBRITY ENDORSES HOOKED-ON-PHONICS; GRADE DROPS TO C.


[ Fri Dec 05, 12:42:44 AM


VOLCANO EMITS PLEASANT BANANA-LIKE ODOR

AP: REUTERS BITES

STYLISH, ATTRACTIVE COUPLE DISCUSSING HOT SEX UNACCOUNTABLY DORKY

DRIVING SQUIRREL CAN'T FIND KEYS

ASSHOLE CALLS KETTLE "ASSHOLE"

ORGAN FED UP: G.O.P. HEAD GILLISPE STRANGLED INTERNALLY BY OWN COLON

EARTH DIAGNOSED WITH BI-POLAR DISORDER

WESTERN CIVILIZATION DECLINED AT BEST BUY

MEDIOCRE PERSONALITY MAGNIFIED BY NATIONAL MEDIA EXPOSURE

LEGENDARY KUNG-FU MASTER SPORTS INEXPENSIVE TOUPEE

NOSTRILS OF DISCOVERY LEAST POPULAR IMAX FILM

EX-PUNK, 37, CATCHES SELF CALLING PUNKS "DAMN PUNKS"

TV FAMILY MAY EXPERIENCE CHRISTMAS MIRACLE

OLD NAVY DEBUTS CONTROVERSIAL THIGH-HUGGERS

ASTROPHYSICIST LOCATES TOOTHPASTE

BRITANNY SPEARS KICKED OUT OF BED: SALTINES

STONED TEENS LEARN CAPITAL OF THAILAND: GIGGLE FIT ENTERS 17th HOUR

MADAGASCAR COUPLE DISPUTES CELINE DION'S ARTISTIC MERIT

OWNER SIGHS AS $58,000 CAR BRINGS SINGLE FLEETING MOMENT OF CONTENTMENT

MYANMAR POLITICAL PRISONERS OUTFOX LOVABLY FOOLISH GUARDS

CONGRESS IN LITERAL UPROAR; WINDOWS BREAK, 2 HOSPITALIZED, HOWLING DISTURBS ELDERLY NEIGHBOR

GAY EXECUTIVE'S PERSONAL STRUGGLE ACTUALLY NOT PARTICULARLY DIFFICULT

ARTIST PSYCHED BY DISPROPORTIONATELY ATTRACTIVE GIRLFRIEND

WORLD RELIEF AT VOICE-ACTIVATED U.S. NUCLEAR LAUNCH CODES REQUIREMENT:
"NUCLEAR" MUST BE PRONOUNCED CORRECTLY


INTELLECTUAL ANNOYED BY SUCCESSFUL USE OF WHACK LINE AT CLUB

[ Thu Dec 04, 04:46:49 PM


PORN STAR CLITORIS LOCATED

INJURED PIRATE APPRECIATES FRUIT BASKET

WAL-MART OPENS INSIDE IDENTICAL WAL-MART: DOUBLES SPACE, HALVES WAGES

CAPTAIN AMERICA'S STRIPPER DAUGHTER, LT. HIMALAYAS, DENOUNCES NAZI HAIR SCHEME

LEMURS DUMBFOUNDED

CRYING, RED-FACED VP CHENEY LEFT TOO LONG IN FRED MEYER 'FUN PEN'

ADORABLE KITTENS PERPLEXED BY YARN

GIMMICK NORTH, SOUTH DAKOTA TRADE EMBARGO FAILS TO GENERATE SALES

SHOPPER VISITS RECORD 437 MALLS: REPORTS VAGUE SENSE OF DISSATISFACTION, ALIENATION

AMATEUR DRYLY COMIC HEADLINE WRITER PLEADS FOR INTERVENTION

DEATH METAL SINGER FIRED FROM TELEMARKETING JOB

UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN STUDY CONFIRMS CLARION, WI TEENAGE GIRL "TOTALLY LAMEST PERSON EVER"

CHINESE GOVERNMENT LEASES CULTURAL REVOLUTION COPYRIGHT TO MTV 2

CHEEKY MONKEY ASHAMED

[ Wed Dec 03, 06:23:31 PM


CANDY-ASS ALASKAN MAULED BY GUMMY BEAR

FDA RECONSIDERS 'EASY-OFF' AMPUTATION GEL

CAREFUL SEARCH OF UPPER VOLTA REVEALS 1.2 MILLION U.S. JOBS

20 YEAR TREND: AMERICAN WOMEN SOMEWHAT "HOTTER"

ANN COULTER'S MANHOOD CHALLENGED

TINY, TINY MAN BRUSHES OFF TINY, TINY, TINY MAN

DISGRUNTLED OXFORD ENGLISH DICTIONARY BITES BUSH IN ASS

FRITO-LAY CELEBRATES GREATEST AVERAGE U.S. WAISTLINE

AUGUSTUS CEASAR SUES U.S: TRADE SECRETS

TALK SHOW DEGENERATES INTO REASONED DISCOURSE

COMPUTER OPERATOR REPLACED BY COMPUTER-OPERATING ROBOT

NATIONAL DEFICIT ACCUSED OF CHILD MOLESTATION

WASTE DISPOSAL ISSUE DERAILS ATOMIC WEDGIE

BOEING FORCED TO SHELVE BATTLESTAR GALACTICA

COURTNEY LOVE "JONESING" FOR MACRAME

[ Tue Dec 02, 05:37:27 PM

BATMAN: ASHCROFT "PRUNE-FACED TURBO-NAZI"

MANIC-DEPRESSIVE FEELING "SO-SO"

PARIS HILTON NARROWLY MISSES BEING IGNORED

FOX CRAWLER MISSPELLS "PINKO"

NOBEL ECON. LAUREATE AWARDED 50 "BONUS BUCKS"

JACKSON LAWYER REVERSES DENIAL, CONDEMNS ADMISSION

BUSH SAYS BELGIANS "COULDN'T BE MORE GAY."

NEW QUANTUM DIET: BODY CAN'T LOCATE CALORIES

HEE-HAW RADIO HOST REPLACES KORN SINGER ON TOUR



SO-CALLED 'TIME-LOZENGE' INDUCES P-51 ATTACK ON NORTH BEACH

[ Sun Nov 30, 11:49:13 PM

OVERSIGHT DEFINES MARRIAGE AS BETWEEN MAN AND SUPERMAN

'NEW' FLU SUFFERERS SUFFER 'FLU-LIKE' SYMPTOMS

"HOT" WOMAN'S "POLITE" REFUSAL INSUFFICIENT TO DISSUADE MASTURBATORY EPISODE

GENES DRIFT FROM CORNFIELD TO RANCH- ALL-BEEF POPCORN PRONOUNCED TASTY

AMERICAN MILITARY POWER SECRETLY RESENTED

PREZ KENNEDY ZOMBIE INQUIRES ABOUT SCHWARZENEGGER BRAINS

WEATHER BLITHELY ANTICIPATED