BUSH: WHAT ARE FACTS?
LORD REPORT ON BBC REPORT REPORTS SEXED-UP REPORT REPORT WAS SEXED-UP
Afternoon Napping In Sun Tuckers Out Adorable Kittens
TONY BLAIR ALSO DEMANDS TO BE SEXED-UP
Powerful New Laptop Gives Improved Illusion of Doing Things
UNDER NASA PRESSURE, MARS ROVER A.I. SYSTEM REPORTEDLY SEXES UP ROCK REPORTS
Lynnwood WA Office Max Manager Disappointed by Quarterly Disposable Mechanical Pencil Sales
LADY MACBETH UNSEXED-UP
Amazing Wireless Computer System Allows $1500 Portable Metal/Plastic Item To Play Music
SEXED UP FAKE HEADLINES BLOG BLASTED AS DESPERATE
Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Superglue Locks at Best Buy
SEX ITSELF SEXED-UP
Thursday, January 29, 2004
WHITE HOUSE REPORTS THAT WHEN BUSH SAID "IRAQ'S WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION" REPEATEDLY, EVERY DAY FOR A YEAR, HE ACTUALLY MEANT "GAY SOCCER-PLAYING ELEPHANTS"
LONELY MAN IN BENTON, OKLAHOMA HONKY TONK, SITTING ALONE IN THE CORNER THINKING OF LOST FRIENDS, LOOKS UP FROM HIS BEER GLASS TO SEE WALKING TOWARDS HIM AN EBULLIENT, SLIGHTLY DRUNK HOWARD DEAN
200,000 Caribou Form Pro-Lichen PAC
Manhattan All-A-Twitter
Small, Disagreeable Boy, Widely Disliked, Plots Revenge Using Rocket Blimp
American Unclear: Which Carolina, Carolina Panthers?
As Ratings Decline, Superbowl May be Downgraded to GoodCup
$1200 Computer Used to Replace Post-Its
LONELY MAN IN BENTON, OKLAHOMA HONKY TONK, SITTING ALONE IN THE CORNER THINKING OF LOST FRIENDS, LOOKS UP FROM HIS BEER GLASS TO SEE WALKING TOWARDS HIM AN EBULLIENT, SLIGHTLY DRUNK HOWARD DEAN
200,000 Caribou Form Pro-Lichen PAC
Manhattan All-A-Twitter
Small, Disagreeable Boy, Widely Disliked, Plots Revenge Using Rocket Blimp
American Unclear: Which Carolina, Carolina Panthers?
As Ratings Decline, Superbowl May be Downgraded to GoodCup
$1200 Computer Used to Replace Post-Its
Wednesday, January 28, 2004
KING MOSS UNLEASHED, GROWS SLOWLY UP EMPIRE STATE BUILDING
CONGRESS PASSES NEW ENGLAND PATRIOT ACT: WILL PREVENT REVEALING SUPERBOWL SCORE IF PATRIOTS START LOSING
INABILITY TO FIND IRAQ WMDS COMPOUNDED AS U.S. CAN NO LONGER FIND IRAQ
Joe Lieberman Stands by Strategy of Squeeking, Nagging and Cajoling way Into Democrats' Hearts
University of Michigan Cancels Panic Attack Study as Robot Scientists Prove Life is Lazy, Breezy, and Easy as Looking at Pie
CONGRESS PASSES NEW ENGLAND PATRIOT ACT: WILL PREVENT REVEALING SUPERBOWL SCORE IF PATRIOTS START LOSING
INABILITY TO FIND IRAQ WMDS COMPOUNDED AS U.S. CAN NO LONGER FIND IRAQ
Joe Lieberman Stands by Strategy of Squeeking, Nagging and Cajoling way Into Democrats' Hearts
University of Michigan Cancels Panic Attack Study as Robot Scientists Prove Life is Lazy, Breezy, and Easy as Looking at Pie
Outgoing WMD Inspector Kay Reports to Congress: "I went to Iraq and all I got was This Lousy T-Shirt"
CITING DECLINING RECEIPTS, CLEAR CHANNEL WILL END MUSIC
University of Michigan Meteorologists' Model Predicts that Warming May Combine with Urban, Agricultural Run-Off and Growing Cyclonic Wind Patterns to Create Global Foaming
Mysterious Mist Again Closes Around New Hampshire: Residents Expected to Awaken Again in 2008
Lower East Side Seance Raises Ghost who Cries "Gabba Gabba Hey," I.D.ed as Joey Ramone
High in the Central Rockies, a 600-Year Juniper Bush is Floored by the News That Iraq had No WMDS
Andre 3000 Upgraded to Andre 6000
Music Industry Concerned as Cute Dimwit Blond Factory Exceeds Safe Production Limits
Knopf Releases Marcel Marceau's Tell-Nothing Autobiography
CITING DECLINING RECEIPTS, CLEAR CHANNEL WILL END MUSIC
University of Michigan Meteorologists' Model Predicts that Warming May Combine with Urban, Agricultural Run-Off and Growing Cyclonic Wind Patterns to Create Global Foaming
Mysterious Mist Again Closes Around New Hampshire: Residents Expected to Awaken Again in 2008
Lower East Side Seance Raises Ghost who Cries "Gabba Gabba Hey," I.D.ed as Joey Ramone
High in the Central Rockies, a 600-Year Juniper Bush is Floored by the News That Iraq had No WMDS
Andre 3000 Upgraded to Andre 6000
Music Industry Concerned as Cute Dimwit Blond Factory Exceeds Safe Production Limits
Knopf Releases Marcel Marceau's Tell-Nothing Autobiography
Monday, January 26, 2004
WRITER OF FAKE HEADLINES PITCHES PRODUCT TO TIME-WARNER AS MORE ECONOMIC THAN SUSTAINING ENTIRE NEWS REPORTING INFRASTRUCTURE
Mirimax Golden Globe Party Began with Ceremonial Firing, Cell-Phone Stripping of Producer who Passed on Lord of the Rings
Nickleodean Gets In On Autopsy Craze With P.P.V. Dissection of Delicious Apple Pie
Seattle Enters Traditional Period of "January Wackiness"
Passing Suicidal Thoughts Induced by Recent Failure of Microwaving Popcorn
Lugubrious Laundry Loses Last Shred of Luster as Change Machine Jams
Rustic Connecticut Traffic Light Switches From Ruby Sunset to Jamaica Teal
Position of 'Beautiful Woman Sitting By Cafe Window' Changing Shifts Every 40 Minute
Tiny, Carnivorous Snapping Frogs Begin Hiding in Lattes by Sticking Upside-Down on Lid
University of Michigan Study of Learning IDs Common College Learning Pattern: Reading, Learning, Forgetting, Reminding Self Enough to Pass Test, Remembering a Bit, And Finally Forgetting Suddenly When Distracted by Presence of Bee in Car
Prague Dentist, Daydreaming of After-Work Beer, Accidently Whitens Patient's Nipples
Amgen Farms Unveil Symbiotic Feathery Wool, Bleating Chickens
$500, 000 Home: $15 Flower Poster
'Guaran-Fuckin'-Tee You Ain't No Fucking Rapunzel in that Ugly-Ass Cell Phone Tower
Mirimax Golden Globe Party Began with Ceremonial Firing, Cell-Phone Stripping of Producer who Passed on Lord of the Rings
Nickleodean Gets In On Autopsy Craze With P.P.V. Dissection of Delicious Apple Pie
Seattle Enters Traditional Period of "January Wackiness"
Passing Suicidal Thoughts Induced by Recent Failure of Microwaving Popcorn
Lugubrious Laundry Loses Last Shred of Luster as Change Machine Jams
Rustic Connecticut Traffic Light Switches From Ruby Sunset to Jamaica Teal
Position of 'Beautiful Woman Sitting By Cafe Window' Changing Shifts Every 40 Minute
Tiny, Carnivorous Snapping Frogs Begin Hiding in Lattes by Sticking Upside-Down on Lid
University of Michigan Study of Learning IDs Common College Learning Pattern: Reading, Learning, Forgetting, Reminding Self Enough to Pass Test, Remembering a Bit, And Finally Forgetting Suddenly When Distracted by Presence of Bee in Car
Prague Dentist, Daydreaming of After-Work Beer, Accidently Whitens Patient's Nipples
Amgen Farms Unveil Symbiotic Feathery Wool, Bleating Chickens
$500, 000 Home: $15 Flower Poster
'Guaran-Fuckin'-Tee You Ain't No Fucking Rapunzel in that Ugly-Ass Cell Phone Tower
BOEING SELLING ALL PRODUCTION ASSETS; WILL CONCENTRATE ON MILITARY KICKBACKS
8.6 EARTHQUAKE DECIMATES BAFFIN ISLAND - QUONSET HUT UNDAMAGED, OWNERS BOUNCED AROUND A BIT ON TUNDRA
UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN ASTROPHYSICS PAPER SUGGESTS THAT TIME KEEPS ON SLIPPIN', SLIPPIN', SLIPPIN' INTO THE FUTURE
In 20/20 Interview, Diane Sawyer Goads Keith Richards into Showing off His Original Mammoth-Skin Guitar
Adorable Kittens to Sit Out Washington State Caucuses
Courtney Love Re-Enters Rehab After Attending Ballet Featuring Dance of the Heroin-Plum Fairies, Normally Not Performed in Reality
Portland Strip Club Reperatory Theater Putting On Production of King Leer
Kinshasa: Real Estate Developer Turns Masai Hut Village Condo, Offering Units in the Low 80 Cows
32 New Hampshire Voters Playing Star Trek Vodka Drinking Game Tonight to Decide Fate of Planet Tomorrow
Rise in Hiring of Ghost Employees Boost for Pretend Economy
Coven Interview at Eugene Restaraunt Goes South When Desirable Number of Cats Underestimated
Qwest Service Truck Never, Ever Serviced
Alaskan Woman Attempts to Pass Off Frosted Hair as Expensive Salon Treatment
SEATTLE BUSINESS MOGUL TO CRUSH ENEMIES FIRMLY BUT POLITELY
LUNCHMEAT STRONGLY QUESTIONED
8.6 EARTHQUAKE DECIMATES BAFFIN ISLAND - QUONSET HUT UNDAMAGED, OWNERS BOUNCED AROUND A BIT ON TUNDRA
UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN ASTROPHYSICS PAPER SUGGESTS THAT TIME KEEPS ON SLIPPIN', SLIPPIN', SLIPPIN' INTO THE FUTURE
In 20/20 Interview, Diane Sawyer Goads Keith Richards into Showing off His Original Mammoth-Skin Guitar
Adorable Kittens to Sit Out Washington State Caucuses
Courtney Love Re-Enters Rehab After Attending Ballet Featuring Dance of the Heroin-Plum Fairies, Normally Not Performed in Reality
Portland Strip Club Reperatory Theater Putting On Production of King Leer
Kinshasa: Real Estate Developer Turns Masai Hut Village Condo, Offering Units in the Low 80 Cows
32 New Hampshire Voters Playing Star Trek Vodka Drinking Game Tonight to Decide Fate of Planet Tomorrow
Rise in Hiring of Ghost Employees Boost for Pretend Economy
Coven Interview at Eugene Restaraunt Goes South When Desirable Number of Cats Underestimated
Qwest Service Truck Never, Ever Serviced
Alaskan Woman Attempts to Pass Off Frosted Hair as Expensive Salon Treatment
SEATTLE BUSINESS MOGUL TO CRUSH ENEMIES FIRMLY BUT POLITELY
LUNCHMEAT STRONGLY QUESTIONED
Sunday, January 25, 2004
ADORABLE KITTENS MISPLACE WINTER SPORTING EQUIPMENT
Adopting Assertive Business Model, Halliburton Announces Plan to Crash Earth Into the Sun
Uma Thurman About to Take Stage at Golden Globe Awar....-Great Googly-Moogly!
Potatoes Rebranded In Marketing Effort: Mealinex, Oral Treatment for Hunger
Freak Storm of Gummi Worms on Phoenix Blamed on Liberalism
Nike Adsters, Wieden and Kennedy, Tapped for Hip, Edgy Pro-Brazilian Child Death Squad Campaign
Story of Cheney's Chilling, Manical Laughter During Swiss World Econ. Summit Surpressed by Major News Outlets
Author of The Da Vinci Code Unable to Stop Staring at Magic Painting
White House Slams Kerry for Not Saving More Men in Vietnam
Incredibly Effective New-Atkins Style Diet is Based on Nutritious Penguin Eggs, Manatee Fat, Mammoth Steaks
Mild Inflationary Pressure Pushes 7-11 into Chapter 8-12
Paris Hilton To Donate Virginity to Charity
Adopting Assertive Business Model, Halliburton Announces Plan to Crash Earth Into the Sun
Uma Thurman About to Take Stage at Golden Globe Awar....-Great Googly-Moogly!
Potatoes Rebranded In Marketing Effort: Mealinex, Oral Treatment for Hunger
Freak Storm of Gummi Worms on Phoenix Blamed on Liberalism
Nike Adsters, Wieden and Kennedy, Tapped for Hip, Edgy Pro-Brazilian Child Death Squad Campaign
Story of Cheney's Chilling, Manical Laughter During Swiss World Econ. Summit Surpressed by Major News Outlets
Author of The Da Vinci Code Unable to Stop Staring at Magic Painting
White House Slams Kerry for Not Saving More Men in Vietnam
Incredibly Effective New-Atkins Style Diet is Based on Nutritious Penguin Eggs, Manatee Fat, Mammoth Steaks
Mild Inflationary Pressure Pushes 7-11 into Chapter 8-12
Paris Hilton To Donate Virginity to Charity
Saturday, January 24, 2004
ASTRONAUT PEGGED FOR POSSIBLE MARS MISSION LOOKING RATHER PALE
VEEP AT SWISS ECON SUMMIT OUTLAYS VISION OF DEMOCRACY AS A PLEASANT, ENNOBLING BUZZ AROUND IMPORTANT CORPORATE DECISIONS
CYNICAL MEAT GAMBIT POSITS BOVINE SPONGIFORM ENCEPHALOPATHY AS DIVINE UNIFORM SUPER-GASTRONOMY
EPA Boldly Moves to Push Deadline for Extinction of 50% of Earth's Species from 2050 to 2057
BUSH REPORTED DASHING AT TOGA-FITTING
REGULAR PANEL INVESTIGATING 9/11 REPLACED BY CHENEY-APPOINTED 17" FLAT PANEL
J-lo and Ben Agree to See Other Mega-Stars
RARE SEATTLE REPUBLICAN GIVING OFF STRANGE AIR OF SMUG, PERPETUAL VICTIMIZATION
Following Trend, Lieberman Tries Yelling Really Loud at N.H. Rally; Drowned Out by Shouts of "Speak Up!," "Can't Hear!," and "Turn the Mike On!"
UNIV. OF MICHIGAN'S EXPERIMENTAL COCAINE-ADDICTED YEAST COMING ON TO YOUNGER, PRETTIER YEAST
Washington (AP) American Newspaper Industry Association Blasts Substandard Collection Practices of 9-year Old
Minnesota Paperboy
SAUDI STRIPPER SPORTING ANKLE PASTIES
Administration's Destructive, Surreal Antics Pressuring America's Hitherto Considerable Mockery Resources
Shopping Time! SO. CAL Grocery Strike Broken when Check-Out Girls Beaten for Old-Times Sake by Mostly Out-of-Work Guatemalan Death Squads
University of Washington Reports that, Like Almost Everyone, Local Cows Driven Mad by WA Anti-Tax Goon Tim Eyman
After Repeated Testing, American Pie Council Rates U.S. Pies Highly
VEEP AT SWISS ECON SUMMIT OUTLAYS VISION OF DEMOCRACY AS A PLEASANT, ENNOBLING BUZZ AROUND IMPORTANT CORPORATE DECISIONS
CYNICAL MEAT GAMBIT POSITS BOVINE SPONGIFORM ENCEPHALOPATHY AS DIVINE UNIFORM SUPER-GASTRONOMY
EPA Boldly Moves to Push Deadline for Extinction of 50% of Earth's Species from 2050 to 2057
BUSH REPORTED DASHING AT TOGA-FITTING
REGULAR PANEL INVESTIGATING 9/11 REPLACED BY CHENEY-APPOINTED 17" FLAT PANEL
J-lo and Ben Agree to See Other Mega-Stars
RARE SEATTLE REPUBLICAN GIVING OFF STRANGE AIR OF SMUG, PERPETUAL VICTIMIZATION
Following Trend, Lieberman Tries Yelling Really Loud at N.H. Rally; Drowned Out by Shouts of "Speak Up!," "Can't Hear!," and "Turn the Mike On!"
UNIV. OF MICHIGAN'S EXPERIMENTAL COCAINE-ADDICTED YEAST COMING ON TO YOUNGER, PRETTIER YEAST
Washington (AP) American Newspaper Industry Association Blasts Substandard Collection Practices of 9-year Old
Minnesota Paperboy
SAUDI STRIPPER SPORTING ANKLE PASTIES
Administration's Destructive, Surreal Antics Pressuring America's Hitherto Considerable Mockery Resources
Shopping Time! SO. CAL Grocery Strike Broken when Check-Out Girls Beaten for Old-Times Sake by Mostly Out-of-Work Guatemalan Death Squads
University of Washington Reports that, Like Almost Everyone, Local Cows Driven Mad by WA Anti-Tax Goon Tim Eyman
After Repeated Testing, American Pie Council Rates U.S. Pies Highly
Friday, January 23, 2004
MARS ROBOT EXPLORER NOT RESPONDING; DISTRACTED BY FALLING IN LOVE WITH MISSING BRITISH ROBOT.
AS 17 RUTTING ELEPHANTS ARE UNLEASHED INTO A SOUTH CAROLINA MALL, A WRITER AT THE FOOD COURT REFLECTS ON THE STRUGGLES AND TRIUMPHS OF A RURAL GEORGIA CHILDHOOD.
In Tourism Play, Mozambique May Name Itself After Mozart
Grandmother Blasted for Not Updating From Windows 98
Tacoma Irish Pub Unclear on Distinctions Between Irish, English, and Welsh
On National TV, Kerry Threatens to Play Guitar
University of Robots' Robot Economist Predicting Robust Robot Job Growth
Qwest Reducing Call-IN Waiting Times by Playing Hold Tapes of Random Don Rickles Insults
Hogan's Heroes Anthropologist Sought Missing Klink
Funeral Home Strike Concerns Hungry Zombies
CNN Reporting Google Graphic
New Car Design May Absolve Original Sin
University of Michigan Study: Americans Receive 3000 Commercial Messages a Day, But Cannot Get Jingle of Product Last Made 20 Years Ago Out of Head.
University of Michigan Study: Sophomore Lesbian Experimentation Yields Intriguing Results
Ohio Pot Priest Nabbed After Cops Reexamined Incense Burners
Lichtenstein to Launch Luxemburg Probe
Costner Vehicle, "Great Wall of China, " Now Filming in Vancouver
Well-Organized Sandwich Delivery Man Bringing In Sandwich Fixings By Type of Sandwich
Shoddy Latte Throws Off Real Estate Deal by $47,000
FDA Issues Recall for LocPac's Mayonnaise, Sold in 5 Gallon Buckets Between May and September of 2000.
U.S. Imports of Containerized Labor Down 3% in 4th Qtr.
Oregon Mob Consolidating Gardenia Racket
NPR Reporter Treated for Hyperventillation
Daily Mirror to Clone Princess DI for Fresh Material
PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT: As of 5/11/04, Henry M. Kissinger is not responsible for any genocides other than his own.
AS 17 RUTTING ELEPHANTS ARE UNLEASHED INTO A SOUTH CAROLINA MALL, A WRITER AT THE FOOD COURT REFLECTS ON THE STRUGGLES AND TRIUMPHS OF A RURAL GEORGIA CHILDHOOD.
In Tourism Play, Mozambique May Name Itself After Mozart
Grandmother Blasted for Not Updating From Windows 98
Tacoma Irish Pub Unclear on Distinctions Between Irish, English, and Welsh
On National TV, Kerry Threatens to Play Guitar
University of Robots' Robot Economist Predicting Robust Robot Job Growth
Qwest Reducing Call-IN Waiting Times by Playing Hold Tapes of Random Don Rickles Insults
Hogan's Heroes Anthropologist Sought Missing Klink
Funeral Home Strike Concerns Hungry Zombies
CNN Reporting Google Graphic
New Car Design May Absolve Original Sin
University of Michigan Study: Americans Receive 3000 Commercial Messages a Day, But Cannot Get Jingle of Product Last Made 20 Years Ago Out of Head.
University of Michigan Study: Sophomore Lesbian Experimentation Yields Intriguing Results
Ohio Pot Priest Nabbed After Cops Reexamined Incense Burners
Lichtenstein to Launch Luxemburg Probe
Costner Vehicle, "Great Wall of China, " Now Filming in Vancouver
Well-Organized Sandwich Delivery Man Bringing In Sandwich Fixings By Type of Sandwich
Shoddy Latte Throws Off Real Estate Deal by $47,000
FDA Issues Recall for LocPac's Mayonnaise, Sold in 5 Gallon Buckets Between May and September of 2000.
U.S. Imports of Containerized Labor Down 3% in 4th Qtr.
Oregon Mob Consolidating Gardenia Racket
NPR Reporter Treated for Hyperventillation
Daily Mirror to Clone Princess DI for Fresh Material
PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT: As of 5/11/04, Henry M. Kissinger is not responsible for any genocides other than his own.
Thursday, January 22, 2004
ALIENS LAND; ASK DIRECTIONS TO MORE INTERESTING PLANET
NEW TV SITCOM TO OPEN WITH CHARLIE SHEEN AS TV SITCOM WRITER STARINGLY BLANKLY AT COMPUTER SCREEN
Trent Lott, with Greasepaint in His Blood, Will Feature as Scotsman #6 in the Bethesda Naval Station Rep's Production of "Brigadoon."
Avaristic Moose Bullying Way Into Brine Shrimp Industry
Madison, WI Communist Party Meeting Sees Modest Increase in Attendance; Extra Chairs Requested from Denny's Waitress
On Feb. 6, Men Will Secretly Celebrate World "Tight-Fitting Sweater Appreciation Day."
Krygykystan Tolkien Society Having Good Fun Accusing Each Other's Neighborhoods of Being "Mordor."
Baptist Minister Psyched About Arrival of New J. Crew Catalog- Fashion Helps His Ministry, "J" in "J. Crew" Misunderstood
Physicist Humiliated by Post-Doc Fellowship Interview with Robot Physics Professor
Seattle Bus System Leading Nation in Near-Tolerability
Anselm Kiefer, Leading Artist Exploring Complex Position of Traditional German Imagery in the Post-War Period, Confronted by Great Variety of Banana Split Toppings at Alfred, NY Dairy Queen
Laid-Off Web Designer Reconcilled to Leave Dent in Her 1999 BMW
Brand New Garbage Truck Totally Awesome
PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT: TV Actor Best Known as "Screech" Will No Longer Be Accepting Solicitations for Off-Shore Investments
Increase Reported in Incidents of Funnyness Due to Truth
Napping Adorable Kittens Give Not A Fig for the World's Problems
NEW TV SITCOM TO OPEN WITH CHARLIE SHEEN AS TV SITCOM WRITER STARINGLY BLANKLY AT COMPUTER SCREEN
Trent Lott, with Greasepaint in His Blood, Will Feature as Scotsman #6 in the Bethesda Naval Station Rep's Production of "Brigadoon."
Avaristic Moose Bullying Way Into Brine Shrimp Industry
Madison, WI Communist Party Meeting Sees Modest Increase in Attendance; Extra Chairs Requested from Denny's Waitress
On Feb. 6, Men Will Secretly Celebrate World "Tight-Fitting Sweater Appreciation Day."
Krygykystan Tolkien Society Having Good Fun Accusing Each Other's Neighborhoods of Being "Mordor."
Baptist Minister Psyched About Arrival of New J. Crew Catalog- Fashion Helps His Ministry, "J" in "J. Crew" Misunderstood
Physicist Humiliated by Post-Doc Fellowship Interview with Robot Physics Professor
Seattle Bus System Leading Nation in Near-Tolerability
Anselm Kiefer, Leading Artist Exploring Complex Position of Traditional German Imagery in the Post-War Period, Confronted by Great Variety of Banana Split Toppings at Alfred, NY Dairy Queen
Laid-Off Web Designer Reconcilled to Leave Dent in Her 1999 BMW
Brand New Garbage Truck Totally Awesome
PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT: TV Actor Best Known as "Screech" Will No Longer Be Accepting Solicitations for Off-Shore Investments
Increase Reported in Incidents of Funnyness Due to Truth
Napping Adorable Kittens Give Not A Fig for the World's Problems
Wednesday, January 21, 2004
APPLAUSE LINES FROM THE STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS:
"I can report today that America is larger than Iraq."
"Some people can't work because they are too stupid to get into community colleges. My plan will unstupidify them. "
"We cannot let the Environment win."
"Sadaam was bad. America stopped him. America builds democracy. America is a world lightbulb. I can go
pee by myself."
"Steroids are bad news. To high schools across America, we will send Preparation H."
"Some people think that we can just let John Ashcroft catch the criminals. But he will probably need some cops to help do that."
"That's why I have ordered Operation Desert Badger -flying Billionaires to Palm Springs."
"...in Iraq. Pause. Prompter 6000 software Copyright Textech Applications 2002."
"When I said Weapons of Mass Destruction, I meant lots and lots and lots of rifles."
"I can report today that America is larger than Iraq."
"Some people can't work because they are too stupid to get into community colleges. My plan will unstupidify them. "
"We cannot let the Environment win."
"Sadaam was bad. America stopped him. America builds democracy. America is a world lightbulb. I can go
pee by myself."
"Steroids are bad news. To high schools across America, we will send Preparation H."
"Some people think that we can just let John Ashcroft catch the criminals. But he will probably need some cops to help do that."
"That's why I have ordered Operation Desert Badger -flying Billionaires to Palm Springs."
"...in Iraq. Pause. Prompter 6000 software Copyright Textech Applications 2002."
"When I said Weapons of Mass Destruction, I meant lots and lots and lots of rifles."
Tuesday, January 20, 2004
Monday, January 19, 2004
STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS TO CHARACTERIZE AMERICA AS HUNKISH-DORIAL
JOHN KERRY EXPERTLY FLICKS BOOGER SMACK INTO BACK OF DEAN'S NECK
HISTORICAL JAPANESE ARMY DEPLOYMENT TO IRAQ INCLUDES 3 JEEPS, 227 SMALL PLASTIC TANKS, 600 SMOKY MODEL ROCKET MISSLES, AND 40 BALSA-WOOD JETS
NEAPOLITAN SWING SHIFT FED EX DRIVER TOO TIRED TO HIT ON CUTE AMERICAN GIRL
Real Story! Bush's Reference to "Desert Badger" May Have Been Confusion with WWII Desert Fox
Love You? Kill You? Vacuum? It's All in the Latest Robot Software!
Helicopters To Appear Near End of Latest Copolla Project Without Trace of Symbolism
Off Virgin Islands, Pentagon Launches Operation Clueless Cokefiend
JOHN KERRY EXPERTLY FLICKS BOOGER SMACK INTO BACK OF DEAN'S NECK
HISTORICAL JAPANESE ARMY DEPLOYMENT TO IRAQ INCLUDES 3 JEEPS, 227 SMALL PLASTIC TANKS, 600 SMOKY MODEL ROCKET MISSLES, AND 40 BALSA-WOOD JETS
NEAPOLITAN SWING SHIFT FED EX DRIVER TOO TIRED TO HIT ON CUTE AMERICAN GIRL
Real Story! Bush's Reference to "Desert Badger" May Have Been Confusion with WWII Desert Fox
Love You? Kill You? Vacuum? It's All in the Latest Robot Software!
Helicopters To Appear Near End of Latest Copolla Project Without Trace of Symbolism
Off Virgin Islands, Pentagon Launches Operation Clueless Cokefiend
Sunday, January 18, 2004
GENETICALLY ALTERED URANIUM EATING RABBITS PRODUCING PLUTONIUM PELLETS FOR AMERICA
Psychic Correctly Asserts that Indianna Barber Knew a Man With First or Last Name Beginning With S, C, or Maybe K, Who Drove A Car, or Walked.
North Korea Announces Another A-Bomb; Also, Possible Toaster Oven
Chinese Government Fights Civet Cat SARS Infection Risk by Importing Armadillo Noodles
University of Robots' Robot Professor Reports that Future Robot Paleo-Anthropologists Will Conclusively Demonstrate That America Was Originally Settled By Modern Austrailians in 1987
Adorable Kittens In Staring Contest
Psychic Correctly Asserts that Indianna Barber Knew a Man With First or Last Name Beginning With S, C, or Maybe K, Who Drove A Car, or Walked.
North Korea Announces Another A-Bomb; Also, Possible Toaster Oven
Chinese Government Fights Civet Cat SARS Infection Risk by Importing Armadillo Noodles
University of Robots' Robot Professor Reports that Future Robot Paleo-Anthropologists Will Conclusively Demonstrate That America Was Originally Settled By Modern Austrailians in 1987
Adorable Kittens In Staring Contest
BUSH MOON PLAN DERIDED AS CYNICAL POLITICAL DISTRACTION FROM NEUTONIC SAUCER INVASION OF NEBULAR-7 PLAN
Haunting Strains of "Hotel California" Add Sense of Poignancy and Loss to Seattle Taco Time
MANAGEABLE GOALS REVOLUTIONARIES AGREE ON CALENDAR PAD SIZE; MARKER COLORS DISPUTED
PRESSURE OF INTERNAL STEAM OF EVIL EXPLODES KARL ROVE
NATIONAL FBI COLONOSCOPY DATABASE REVEALS DOMESTIC SECURITY RISK-PERSONS NEED MORE DIETARY FIBER
Ann Coulter: Boxers or Briefs?
Cher Orders 2nd Replacement Body Grown
Harvard-University of Michigan Entymologist Team IDs, Removes Giant New Species of Enormous Bug From John Ashcroft's Ass
Confusion Cleared at White House as Moon Demonstrated to Be Spherical
Wal Mart Breaks Happy Faces Local #436 Union, Replaces with 'Smirky Mugs' Scabs
Haunting Strains of "Hotel California" Add Sense of Poignancy and Loss to Seattle Taco Time
MANAGEABLE GOALS REVOLUTIONARIES AGREE ON CALENDAR PAD SIZE; MARKER COLORS DISPUTED
PRESSURE OF INTERNAL STEAM OF EVIL EXPLODES KARL ROVE
NATIONAL FBI COLONOSCOPY DATABASE REVEALS DOMESTIC SECURITY RISK-PERSONS NEED MORE DIETARY FIBER
Ann Coulter: Boxers or Briefs?
Cher Orders 2nd Replacement Body Grown
Harvard-University of Michigan Entymologist Team IDs, Removes Giant New Species of Enormous Bug From John Ashcroft's Ass
Confusion Cleared at White House as Moon Demonstrated to Be Spherical
Wal Mart Breaks Happy Faces Local #436 Union, Replaces with 'Smirky Mugs' Scabs
Friday, January 16, 2004
Teen Disputes Future Rewarding Career as East Lansing Dental Assistant
Left in Car for 3 Minutes, Cute Puppy Purported Anxious, Chewing on Seat Belt
University of Robots' Robot Scientists' Survey of Insurance Practices Reveals Insurance Companies Sucking Human Life Dry as the Kalahari
Newspaper Decline Forces Superhero Alter-Egos Out of Super News Biz, Into Super-Stocking at Home Depot
5' 1", 102 lb Woman buys SUV With Intent of Crushing Enemies
Decades of Loyal Company Service Rewarded With Momentary Indifferent Betrayal
Manilla TV Reporter Relentless in Pursuit of Michael Jackson Press Conference Seat
Godzilla Countered With Early Retirement Bonus
'EXTRA SUPERMEAT PLUS' EYED AS POSSIBLE MEAT ALTERNATIVE
Hummer Customer Goes For Hummer 2 as More Eco-Friendly
Adorable Kittens Concerned About Cute Puppy Reports
Rampaging Vikings Go Straight for Amsterdam
Safeway Begins Indentured Associatude Program
With Biology Research Grant, University of Robots Robot Scientists Attach Radio Collars to Marketing Goons
Left in Car for 3 Minutes, Cute Puppy Purported Anxious, Chewing on Seat Belt
University of Robots' Robot Scientists' Survey of Insurance Practices Reveals Insurance Companies Sucking Human Life Dry as the Kalahari
Newspaper Decline Forces Superhero Alter-Egos Out of Super News Biz, Into Super-Stocking at Home Depot
5' 1", 102 lb Woman buys SUV With Intent of Crushing Enemies
Decades of Loyal Company Service Rewarded With Momentary Indifferent Betrayal
Manilla TV Reporter Relentless in Pursuit of Michael Jackson Press Conference Seat
Godzilla Countered With Early Retirement Bonus
'EXTRA SUPERMEAT PLUS' EYED AS POSSIBLE MEAT ALTERNATIVE
Hummer Customer Goes For Hummer 2 as More Eco-Friendly
Adorable Kittens Concerned About Cute Puppy Reports
Rampaging Vikings Go Straight for Amsterdam
Safeway Begins Indentured Associatude Program
With Biology Research Grant, University of Robots Robot Scientists Attach Radio Collars to Marketing Goons
Wednesday, January 14, 2004
CREDIBLE REPORTS SURFACE OF BUSH WANDERING ROOMS, BANGING HEAD ON WALL, GOING 'DUH,' 'DUH, 'DUH' AS CHENEY, WEARING TOP HAT AND CAPE, TWIRLS SPINDLY MOUSTACHE
Robot Scientists Report Indisputable Superiority of Robot Scientists
PROPOSED U.S. INVASION OF DAKOTAS UNDER LAST-MINUTE REVIEW
Original Norwegian Bison Snubbing American Bison
EPA To Clamp Down On Oppressive Darkness, Leafy Mess of Trees
Halliburton To Buy Atmosphere, Supply Air in No-Bid Contract
Phil Knight Issues Modest Proposal To Raise Average Wages by Eating More Asian Children
Thai Copier Clerk Struggles Against His Own Irrational Fear of Toner
Reports of Uma Thurman's Public Nudity Widely, Widely Hailed
U.S. Strategy in Afghanistan: Roll All 3 Dice, Invade Middle East And Collect A Card
In Bush Mars Plan Science Briefing, President Informed that Astronauts Cannot Just Borrow Important Stuff Like Water From The Martians
French Threaten Embargo on U.S. French-Kissing
In Unusual Move, Christina Aguillera Keeps it On
Tang Stock Up 847%
Brevity: Wit
University of Michigan Study: Britany Spears Only Somewhat Attractive; Confusion May Possibly Stem from Shameless Sluttiness
Seattle Parking Cop Maintains Deep Faith in Principle of Overall Parking Availability
Robot Scientists Report Indisputable Superiority of Robot Scientists
PROPOSED U.S. INVASION OF DAKOTAS UNDER LAST-MINUTE REVIEW
Original Norwegian Bison Snubbing American Bison
EPA To Clamp Down On Oppressive Darkness, Leafy Mess of Trees
Halliburton To Buy Atmosphere, Supply Air in No-Bid Contract
Phil Knight Issues Modest Proposal To Raise Average Wages by Eating More Asian Children
Thai Copier Clerk Struggles Against His Own Irrational Fear of Toner
Reports of Uma Thurman's Public Nudity Widely, Widely Hailed
U.S. Strategy in Afghanistan: Roll All 3 Dice, Invade Middle East And Collect A Card
In Bush Mars Plan Science Briefing, President Informed that Astronauts Cannot Just Borrow Important Stuff Like Water From The Martians
French Threaten Embargo on U.S. French-Kissing
In Unusual Move, Christina Aguillera Keeps it On
Tang Stock Up 847%
Brevity: Wit
University of Michigan Study: Britany Spears Only Somewhat Attractive; Confusion May Possibly Stem from Shameless Sluttiness
Seattle Parking Cop Maintains Deep Faith in Principle of Overall Parking Availability
Tuesday, January 13, 2004
Classified Government Documents Revealed by Treasury Secretary Reveal that All This Time, Bush Has Secretly Been a Lying Dumbshit
Council of Economic Advisors Agree That Economy Is Recovering - In the Same Sense that Christopher Reeve is Recovering
PGE and Southern Power Do Surprise Fun Redecoration of Each Other's Electricity Generating Grid
Council of Economic Advisors Agree That Economy Is Recovering - In the Same Sense that Christopher Reeve is Recovering
PGE and Southern Power Do Surprise Fun Redecoration of Each Other's Electricity Generating Grid
Sunday, January 11, 2004
IN MARKETING DEAL, RICHARD THE THIRD ANNOUNCES "NOW IS THE WINTER OF OUR DISCONTINUED MATRESSES."
POLICE QUESTION JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES
Portugal Living Vicariously Through Brazil
INTENSE CRITICISM OF ENTROPY PETERING OUT
Andy Warhol Gets His Fifteen Years of Death
BioTech Secretary Recoils Instinctively From Proferred Fruit Basket
ROMAN CANDLE DISPLACED BY VISIGOTH FLASHLIGHT
Berlin Trucker Who Bought Imported Texas Flag Car Freshener Disappointed it was Actually Made in Indonesia
Japanese Home Robot Now Comes with Smaller Robot Cleaning Robot
U.S. Admits it Boged Out, Totally Spaced on North Korea with Their Nuclear Bomb and All
Crafts Store Installs New Lighting with 50% Boost in Pallor, Apparant Grubbiness, and Haunting Atmosphere of Doom
POLICE QUESTION JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES
Portugal Living Vicariously Through Brazil
INTENSE CRITICISM OF ENTROPY PETERING OUT
Andy Warhol Gets His Fifteen Years of Death
BioTech Secretary Recoils Instinctively From Proferred Fruit Basket
ROMAN CANDLE DISPLACED BY VISIGOTH FLASHLIGHT
Berlin Trucker Who Bought Imported Texas Flag Car Freshener Disappointed it was Actually Made in Indonesia
Japanese Home Robot Now Comes with Smaller Robot Cleaning Robot
U.S. Admits it Boged Out, Totally Spaced on North Korea with Their Nuclear Bomb and All
Crafts Store Installs New Lighting with 50% Boost in Pallor, Apparant Grubbiness, and Haunting Atmosphere of Doom
Saturday, January 10, 2004
Friday, January 09, 2004
Big Bush Moon Plan May Boost True Moon Boot Units
Mike Meyers Leases Forehead
HOLY CRAP! VATICAN CITY WATER TREATMENT BONDS DISCUSSION SLATED
Joe Lieberman Didn't Want to But Had to Issue Dean Another Detention Slip
Ann Coulter Announces Difficult, Personal Decision to Finally Become A Woman
Adorable Kittens In Talks With Teamsters
Mike Holmgren Hopping from Gallery to Gallery in Desperate Art Binge (Real! - Your Correspondent)
UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN STUDY: REPUBLICAN ACTORS UNIFORMLY UNABLE TO ACT
Badger Hopes for Emotional Breakthrough in Weasel Family Group Therapy
U.S. INTELLIGENCE LOCATES AND DIFFERENTIATES HOLE IN GROUND
BUSH MOVES AHEAD WITH BIG MOON PLAN AFTER SCIENCE BRIEFING THAT ON LANDING, MOON WILL NOT SHATTER AND BREAK AND THEN GO OUT
U.S. Corporation Agrees to Pay Turnpike Toll
National Identity Crisis Looms as Branding Nears Market Saturation
S.P.E.C.T.R.E. HIRING 23,000 REPLACEMENT NUCLEAR TECHNICIANS
Successful Lumberjack Dogged By Persistent Anachronistic Feelings
MUMBAI STREET VENDOR DAYDREAMS OF VCR TO REWIND ANGELINA JOLIE BITS
Multi-Billionaire, After A Lifetime of Toil, Expresses Satisfaction at Measurably Increasing Rate of Currency Exchange Equalization
CHUCK NORRIS FINALLY GETS BREAKTHROUGH ACTING ROLE ON TOTAL GYM INFOMERCIAL
White House Hobbies: Senior Administration Economist Great at Sucking Cock
SPECIAL COUNSEL INVESTIGATING WHITE HOUSE UNABLE TO LOCATE ANY STATEMENT OF FACT ABOUT ANYTHING ANYWHERE AT ALL
Disney Movie Unit Removes Teen Poverty
>NASA GETS BIG BUSH MOON BOOST BUT PROHIBITED FROM MENTIONING EVOLUTION
Unusual MIT Mathematics Genius Draws Pretty Good Circle
Ashcroft to Set Up Anti-Terror Colonoscopy Database
Latest Nike Shoe Padding: Ground Toddlers
Severe L.A. Outage Outs 937 Personal Assistants
Mike Meyers Leases Forehead
HOLY CRAP! VATICAN CITY WATER TREATMENT BONDS DISCUSSION SLATED
Joe Lieberman Didn't Want to But Had to Issue Dean Another Detention Slip
Ann Coulter Announces Difficult, Personal Decision to Finally Become A Woman
Adorable Kittens In Talks With Teamsters
Mike Holmgren Hopping from Gallery to Gallery in Desperate Art Binge (Real! - Your Correspondent)
UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN STUDY: REPUBLICAN ACTORS UNIFORMLY UNABLE TO ACT
Badger Hopes for Emotional Breakthrough in Weasel Family Group Therapy
U.S. INTELLIGENCE LOCATES AND DIFFERENTIATES HOLE IN GROUND
BUSH MOVES AHEAD WITH BIG MOON PLAN AFTER SCIENCE BRIEFING THAT ON LANDING, MOON WILL NOT SHATTER AND BREAK AND THEN GO OUT
U.S. Corporation Agrees to Pay Turnpike Toll
National Identity Crisis Looms as Branding Nears Market Saturation
S.P.E.C.T.R.E. HIRING 23,000 REPLACEMENT NUCLEAR TECHNICIANS
Successful Lumberjack Dogged By Persistent Anachronistic Feelings
MUMBAI STREET VENDOR DAYDREAMS OF VCR TO REWIND ANGELINA JOLIE BITS
Multi-Billionaire, After A Lifetime of Toil, Expresses Satisfaction at Measurably Increasing Rate of Currency Exchange Equalization
CHUCK NORRIS FINALLY GETS BREAKTHROUGH ACTING ROLE ON TOTAL GYM INFOMERCIAL
White House Hobbies: Senior Administration Economist Great at Sucking Cock
SPECIAL COUNSEL INVESTIGATING WHITE HOUSE UNABLE TO LOCATE ANY STATEMENT OF FACT ABOUT ANYTHING ANYWHERE AT ALL
Disney Movie Unit Removes Teen Poverty
>NASA GETS BIG BUSH MOON BOOST BUT PROHIBITED FROM MENTIONING EVOLUTION
Unusual MIT Mathematics Genius Draws Pretty Good Circle
Ashcroft to Set Up Anti-Terror Colonoscopy Database
Latest Nike Shoe Padding: Ground Toddlers
Severe L.A. Outage Outs 937 Personal Assistants
Thursday, January 08, 2004
JUDGE SENTENCES LEA FASTOW OF ENRON TO CASH, GIFTS, LUXURY MEDITERRANEAN CONDO
NARCOLEPSY TIED TO FURNITURE OUTLET STORES
Pfizer introduces Symtotrex, treatment for Plutomase, designed to ease the side effects of Curonal, which greatly reduces problems associated with Symtotrex
BUSH TO HONOR ABE "THE FATHER OF OUR COUNTRY" LINCOLN
HUNGRY METEOROLOGIST PREDICTS STRONG ONSHORE FLAN
BUSH ADMITS HE SOMETIMES MISSES A GOOD OL' SNORT OF BLOW
U.S. RECOVERY ADDING THOUSANDS OF JOBS IN SHIPPING JOBS OVERSEAS SECTOR
Adorable Kittens Reject New "Hang in There" Poster Deal
Suspicion Falls on Canadian Cattle Anger Management Therapy Program
BUSH MOON BASE PLAN TO FEATURE INNOVATIVE WATERPARK
Lonely Man Blames Addiction to 2 For 1 Dinner Coupons
Donald Trump to Make Firing of Employees on Television Standard Practice
WMDS Left in Sadaams Other Pants
NARCOLEPSY TIED TO FURNITURE OUTLET STORES
Pfizer introduces Symtotrex, treatment for Plutomase, designed to ease the side effects of Curonal, which greatly reduces problems associated with Symtotrex
BUSH TO HONOR ABE "THE FATHER OF OUR COUNTRY" LINCOLN
HUNGRY METEOROLOGIST PREDICTS STRONG ONSHORE FLAN
BUSH ADMITS HE SOMETIMES MISSES A GOOD OL' SNORT OF BLOW
U.S. RECOVERY ADDING THOUSANDS OF JOBS IN SHIPPING JOBS OVERSEAS SECTOR
Adorable Kittens Reject New "Hang in There" Poster Deal
Suspicion Falls on Canadian Cattle Anger Management Therapy Program
BUSH MOON BASE PLAN TO FEATURE INNOVATIVE WATERPARK
Lonely Man Blames Addiction to 2 For 1 Dinner Coupons
Donald Trump to Make Firing of Employees on Television Standard Practice
WMDS Left in Sadaams Other Pants
Wednesday, January 07, 2004
AS PROMISED DURING EVENING DATE, 5.9 "LOVEQUAKE" ROCKS STATE OF NORTH CAROLINA
WOOLY MAMMOTH FROZE WHILE LOOKING FOR GIANT CAR KEYS
SOUTHERN BAPTISTS FUMING, HUNKERING DEEP IN BOG WITH BUGGY EYES SLIGHTLY ABOVE THE LEVEL OF THE MUD
ENERGY POLICY REVISED AS LINCOLN, NEBRASKA EXTENDS SURFING SEASON
CREATIONISTS DENY STAIRS
LIEBERMAN POKES DEAN WITH STICK
BUSH MOON BASE PLAN IDENTICAL TO CRAWFORD, TX RANCH
HARVARD PUSHING GOOBER RECRUITMENT
57ND BOTTLE OF BEER SAVED AS DRUNKS TIRE OF SINGING
PAT ROBERTSON HEARING VOICES
NEW EDIBLE MALL SAMPLED
WOOLY MAMMOTH FROZE WHILE LOOKING FOR GIANT CAR KEYS
SOUTHERN BAPTISTS FUMING, HUNKERING DEEP IN BOG WITH BUGGY EYES SLIGHTLY ABOVE THE LEVEL OF THE MUD
ENERGY POLICY REVISED AS LINCOLN, NEBRASKA EXTENDS SURFING SEASON
CREATIONISTS DENY STAIRS
LIEBERMAN POKES DEAN WITH STICK
BUSH MOON BASE PLAN IDENTICAL TO CRAWFORD, TX RANCH
HARVARD PUSHING GOOBER RECRUITMENT
57ND BOTTLE OF BEER SAVED AS DRUNKS TIRE OF SINGING
PAT ROBERTSON HEARING VOICES
NEW EDIBLE MALL SAMPLED
Tuesday, January 06, 2004
Outburst of Happiness, Good Will, Playfulness During Snow-Storms, Power-Outs Condemned by Government, Schools, Industry
Japanese Company Introduces Free-Range Canned Dolphin
Spiderman, Shelob Duel Leaves a Big Sticky Mess
Excessive Use Forces International Rhyming Council To Strike "Night" and "Light" From List of Legal Rhymable Words
Temporary Restraining Order Issued Against Dancing Infants
Ford Kills "Hummer. Be Widely Despised." Campaign
Food Court Dismisses All Charges Against Ken Lay
Japanese Company Introduces Free-Range Canned Dolphin
Spiderman, Shelob Duel Leaves a Big Sticky Mess
Excessive Use Forces International Rhyming Council To Strike "Night" and "Light" From List of Legal Rhymable Words
Temporary Restraining Order Issued Against Dancing Infants
Ford Kills "Hummer. Be Widely Despised." Campaign
Food Court Dismisses All Charges Against Ken Lay
Eraser Merger: Art Gum to Rub Out Pink Pearl
Mars Lander Discovers Martian Nougat - Evidence of Milky Way
Adorable Siberian Tiger Kittens Temporarily Ruling You Out as Lunch
Seattle Drivers Saving Time in Snowstorm by Parking Cars and Banging Fenders with Sledge-Hammer
Neo-Druid CPAs Gather at Stonehenge for Summer Solstice of the Fiscal Year
Laundry Segregated By Deplorable Clorox Clu Clan
Mars Lander Discovers Martian Nougat - Evidence of Milky Way
Adorable Siberian Tiger Kittens Temporarily Ruling You Out as Lunch
Seattle Drivers Saving Time in Snowstorm by Parking Cars and Banging Fenders with Sledge-Hammer
Neo-Druid CPAs Gather at Stonehenge for Summer Solstice of the Fiscal Year
Laundry Segregated By Deplorable Clorox Clu Clan
Friday, January 02, 2004
$200 Million Mars Exploring Unit Successfully Locates Previous Mars Exploring Unit
Advocates of Rich European Cultural History at a Loss to Explain Decades-Long Persistence of Disco
New Self-Delivering Hovercraft Robot Pizza Boxes Threaten Primary Source of Stoner Income
Terrier Locked in Car Valiantly Wards off Stinky Man on Bike
Knife Fight at Antarctic Research Station Erupts when Employee Again Attempts to Play Stations Only DVD: Star Wars II, Attack of the Clones
Vatican Celebrates as Pope's Last Days Reach New Record: 4372!
Following Principles of Corporate Transparancy, Nike Execs Performing Satanic Rituals Openly in Downtown Beavertown, Oregon
University of Michigan Study: Liv Tyler's Elfin "Arwen" Giving Socially Challenged Male Teens False Hope of Dating Actual Women
Skiing Jesus Rocks Giant Slolum Circuit
Mystery Death as Hiker Singing, Whistling, Chatting while Rattling Cans and Blowing Horns in Pristine Back-Country Has Head Torn off by Bear
Warthogs to be Renamed "Blemish Swine"
Family Circus' Ida Know Leads Police in Texas Highway Chase after Multi-State Crime Spree
Vegas Breast Implant Recipient Convention Attendees Find Attention, Media Coverage Surprising
American Waffle Council Schism Possible Over "Alternative" Hazelnut Syrup
Entire US Military Industrial Complex Still Trying to Catch 3000 Self-Exploding Idiots
Ergregious Crime Penguins Seek Specious Injunctions
Even Reports of Ben Affleck Overexposure Heavily Overexposed
Sacred Neo-Druid Solstice Ceremony Delayed by Severe Catering Miscommunication
US Companies End Paying General State Taxes, Begin General State Billing
American Whore Associations' 2004 "Whore of America", Hortense Superwhore, Unable to Outwhore Madonna in National Whore-Off
LizardFest '04 Biggest Flop Yet in Oslo
John Ashcroft, Failing to Win the Heart of a Simple Maiden, Vows Sweet Vengence Against the People of Earth
Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Quietly Mock Ostentatious Starbucks-Goers
Adorable Kittens Convinced Blanket-Covered Toes May in Fact Be Blanket-Covered Mice
Secret Cabal of Ten Ruling World to Double Pop-Country Song Output
Bees Report to Entymologist: Dizzy, Light-Headed
Advocates of Rich European Cultural History at a Loss to Explain Decades-Long Persistence of Disco
New Self-Delivering Hovercraft Robot Pizza Boxes Threaten Primary Source of Stoner Income
Terrier Locked in Car Valiantly Wards off Stinky Man on Bike
Knife Fight at Antarctic Research Station Erupts when Employee Again Attempts to Play Stations Only DVD: Star Wars II, Attack of the Clones
Vatican Celebrates as Pope's Last Days Reach New Record: 4372!
Following Principles of Corporate Transparancy, Nike Execs Performing Satanic Rituals Openly in Downtown Beavertown, Oregon
University of Michigan Study: Liv Tyler's Elfin "Arwen" Giving Socially Challenged Male Teens False Hope of Dating Actual Women
Skiing Jesus Rocks Giant Slolum Circuit
Mystery Death as Hiker Singing, Whistling, Chatting while Rattling Cans and Blowing Horns in Pristine Back-Country Has Head Torn off by Bear
Warthogs to be Renamed "Blemish Swine"
Family Circus' Ida Know Leads Police in Texas Highway Chase after Multi-State Crime Spree
Vegas Breast Implant Recipient Convention Attendees Find Attention, Media Coverage Surprising
American Waffle Council Schism Possible Over "Alternative" Hazelnut Syrup
Entire US Military Industrial Complex Still Trying to Catch 3000 Self-Exploding Idiots
Ergregious Crime Penguins Seek Specious Injunctions
Even Reports of Ben Affleck Overexposure Heavily Overexposed
Sacred Neo-Druid Solstice Ceremony Delayed by Severe Catering Miscommunication
US Companies End Paying General State Taxes, Begin General State Billing
American Whore Associations' 2004 "Whore of America", Hortense Superwhore, Unable to Outwhore Madonna in National Whore-Off
LizardFest '04 Biggest Flop Yet in Oslo
John Ashcroft, Failing to Win the Heart of a Simple Maiden, Vows Sweet Vengence Against the People of Earth
Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Quietly Mock Ostentatious Starbucks-Goers
Adorable Kittens Convinced Blanket-Covered Toes May in Fact Be Blanket-Covered Mice
Secret Cabal of Ten Ruling World to Double Pop-Country Song Output
Bees Report to Entymologist: Dizzy, Light-Headed
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