HEADLINES: NORTH TO ALASKA! EDITION

BLINDING GLARE OF SKY ORB ATTRIBUTED TO DISPLEASURE OF CLOUD GOD

EMBARASSMENT HALTS MEETING WITH CONOCO PHILLIPS AS GOV. MURKOWSKI QUIETLY BEGINS SUCKING CEO'S RING FINGER

DOG POO SEASON LATE BUT IN FORCE

6th CAR DISSOLVES INSIDE MULDOON CAR WASH

Incredible View of Denali Blocked by Clouds, Squalls, Trees, Power Lines, Appleby's Sign, Abandoned K-MART and that Asshole Who Won't Move His Fucking House Trailer


Again Brushing Aside Hysterical Environmental Concerns, Legislature Requires More Mecury in Drinking Water

FRONTIER LAWYER TRAPS, SKINS AND TANS HOLDING COMPANY

Irresponsible Pedestrian Totally Nailed

Concrete Ordinance Will Require Gray Paint

University of Alaska Scientists Confirm Secret 10 Year Radiation Experiment in House Majority Chamber

Coming Up on Headlines: Does Fashion Mean Inevitable Frostbite Amputations?

New Alaska Gold Rush Surprises Anchorage Grocery Chain With Crazed Run on Vittles

Rumseld Presses Congressional Aide for Strawberry Daiquiri

Water Treatment Bond Discussion Again Re-Slated

Indianna May Erect Knoll

Airport Buzzing With Stress

Adorable Kittens Pass Theoretical Attention Surfeit Limit

Conservative Religious Interests In France Locate and Picket Place Where Naked Ladies Dance

MICROSOFT CONSIDERS BUT REJECTS 'RIGHT-OUT-OF-THE-BOX' PRODUCT FUNCTIONALITY

Travelled, Well-Read Penguin Increasingly Finds Avian Company Insufferable

Dick Cheney Going to Iraq to Dick It Up Some More

Zombie Napolean Escapes From Six-Flags Over Elba, Busks For EuRail Pass

Lutheran Masseur Sets Shiatsu Land-Speed Record

Adorable Kittens Thoroughly Check Behind Refrigerator

Coming Up on HEADLINES WEATHER: TIDAL WAVES, EARTHQUAKES, FLOODS AND LOCUSTS: Look Out Iowa!

Organic Food Controversy: Source of Carob Identified as Caribou

NEW ORLEANS SUBURB MILDLY CONCERNED OVER NARCOLEPTIC VAMPIRES

VINOPHILLIACS CANNOT STAUNCH FLOW OF SAUCY LITTLE CHATEAU MARGAUX

PENTAGON PRESS MEMO: U.S.-Hired Mercenaries Should Now Be Referred to As "Security Consultants." Also Groups of Birthday Party Clowns Should Be Referred to as "Physical Comedy Death Squads."

Study: Ralph Nader May Cause the Death of Us All

Coming Up on HEADLINES: Why Your Heretofore Amusing British Accents May Try Girlfriend's Patience

Eddie Murphy Renews Battle to Party All the Time

$67,000 Lexus Undermined By Vintage Members Only Jacket

Peoria Dominatrix Blames Embarassing Dungeon Equipment Failure on Substandard Chains Purchased At Target

Wal Mart Begins Associates Breeding Program

Adorable Kittens Eschew Ping Pong Ball

Tacoma Contracts for Third Narrows Bridge That Collapses Safely Every Day For Giggles

Iraq Secures Moustache Export Contract

Steve in Plumbing Supplies Would Like You To Know That He Had To Cover For You With Some Customer and Her Lame Faux Hardwood Floor Panels

Wordsworth Wandering Lonely In the Mall

University of Michigan Applied Engineering Scientists Report Miami Club Wear Reaching Theoretical Limits

WWF REPORTS TO UN THAT U.S. WAS NOT READY TO RUMBLE

TWISTED SWISS ARMY WILL ENTER BOTTLE OF IRAQI CHIANTI

DALL SHEEP, LOST IN KANSAS, STANDS FORLORNLY ON TOP OF CAR WASH

Mosquitos Prepare to Suck

Giant Floating Brain From Nebular-7 Forgets Email Password That It Just Typed In 83 Times Last Week

Adolescent's Computer is Actually Used to Study Math

Alan Greenspan Not Sincerely Invited To Party

Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Cast Rude, Ostentatious Diners A Wicked Glance Sharpened By a Broad Understanding of Dialectical Materialism

Coming Up on Headlines: Check Your Policy-The Disclaimer That May Prevent Your Insurance From Covering Events

ROME SOURS AS CITY IS SACKED BY RHUBARBARIANS

U.S. THROWS CURVE BY HANDING OVER IRAQ TO TAHITI

U.S. HOTTIE SATELLITE PROBE TO TEST EINSTEIN'S THEORY OF FASHION TRENDS

LAST MINUTE DISAGREEMENT AMONG UNITS STALLS PLANNED FORMATION INTO GROUPS

New Fascist Order Selects "Soft, Throbbing Techno" As Ubiquitous Background Music

Iraqi Economy Stumbles as MI Abrams Tank Crushes Magazine Stand

GOP Helmer Ed Gillespe Forced To Defend Confederate Underwear Decision

A WHOLE WAR FOR OIL AND GAS PRICES DOUBLE

Woodward Book: Iraq Kept Stealing Young Wolfowitz's Lunch Money

Rumsfeld's Grammar Entangles Krygykystan

Coming Up on Headlines: Why an Administration Official Praises Outsourcing of Marital Relations

CANADA BLAMES PAKISTAN FOR DESTABILIZATION AS YUKON TERRITORY GETS THE BOMB

WHITE HOUSE: IRAQIS SUPPORTING INSURGENCY ARE STUCK-UP

TRINIDAD & TOBAGO AND BOSNIA-HERZEGOVINA WILL SHOW UNITED FRONT

Weasel has Been Smoking Too Much

Nipped by Adorable Kitten, Man Attempting to Change Tire On Incline Leapt In and Rolled Into Harbor, Where His SUV Struck Incoming Grain Ship, Spilling Oatmeal into Water, Which Solidified Just In Time to Prevent Him Being Eaten by School of Six-Gilled Sharks, Explains to the Coast Guard That He is Not Normally Enamoured of Physical Comedy

BATMAN on 60 Minutes: "That High-Heeled Jackboot Fascist Ashcroft's Pig Ball-Sack Face is Curiously Spewing Mad Cow Shit"

Coming up on Headlines: Why Blog Viewing May Reverse Cancer

Republican-Owned Voting Machine Software Runs Perfectly Except for "D=Delete" Error

Color Blind Girl Remains Convinced Gravel Barge is Full of Jelly Beans

Polar Bears Charter DC Flight To Smack Around Cheney

Bush Caught Misusing Lincoln Logs

Travelling in Bejiing, Murderous Kim Jong Il Enjoys a Refreshing "Sprite"

Ann Coulter Cut from Buccaneer's Secondary

Fox News Suing Headlines for Copyright Violation on Making Up News

Man Bumped Mid-Trip By Long-Defunct Western Airlines and Trapped in Salt Lake Airport for last 25 Years Forced To Rely on Glo-in-the-Dark Dildo Sales to Travelling Mormons

Hi-Tech Auto Spell Check Pencil Slowly Ground Up

Own Brain Still Misinforming Republican

7 Year Old With Walkie-Talkie Reports Successful Communication With Martians

SUNDAY EDITION: More Made Up Headlines Than The Onion and the New York Times Combined

Planned Hippie Invasion Of Holland Falters In Eugene, Oregon Pizzaria

INSIDE: Celery Moguls Tighten Their Iron Grip on Chicken Salad Racket

CAREERS: Forget it Unless You're Into Hospital Administration

University of Michigan Comparative Study Indicates that While They Share a Similiar Price Per Pound, Portabella Mushrooms Are Safer, More Delicious But Require More Garlic and Butter than the Chrysler PT Cruiser

OUTDOORS: A Fantastic Weekend Getaway Deal Before The Superfund Money Dries Up

BREAKING NEWS: LOOK OUT!

Asssistant Ecaudoran Tax Assessor Forced By Skeptical Wife to Postpone Dream Trip to Rekyavik

LIFE: Our Expert Solidifies Your Vague Feelings of Inadequacy

COMICS: Prince Valiant Faces Detailed Questioning On Youthful Valiance

REAL ESTATE: A Pricey Deal on a Non-Descript Condo That Will Suck Your Soul Into Drywall Dust

Wolf Blitzer Busts Out Stamp Collection

Karl Rove Sends Out Boy Into Cold, Hard, Dirty Streets for More Evil Pills

Adorable Kittens May Relax On Monday After Busy Relaxing Weekend Relaxing

Coming Up On Headlines: Why You Must Embrace Wholesale Remainder Carpeting

Responding to a Question About His Most Admired Historical Figures, Bush Names the Famous Bag of Ball-Peen Hammers that Briefly Ruled Latvia in 1622

Tony Blair Takes Time Out in Conference to Teach Bush Rudimentary English Phrases

::::::::::::::::ADORABLE KITTENS SPECIAL REPORT::::::::::::::::

ADORABLE KITTEN DISCOVERS AMAZING SHINY WATER CREATURE

Adorable Kittens Seize Bathtub in Desparate Attempt to Prevent Owner Moistening

Reported Missing for Nearly Two Hours, Adorable Kittens are Located Napping in Box of Receipts

Adorable Kittens Grateful for New Leather Couch to Sharpen Claws On

Adorable Kitten Reports to Other Adorable Kitten that Hideout Underneath Car in Driveway Appears Safe for Time Being

:::::::::::::::Further Adorable Kittens Reports as Events Warrant:::::::::::::

Every Two Years, Hoardes of Little Kids Gather 'Neath the Window of The New York Times, Little Noses Pressed Against the Glass, to Watch the Art Critics Hard At Work Savaging the Whitney Biennial

Giant Floating Brain from Nebular-7 Forced to Hire Immigration Attorney To Speed Permit Application to Sell Real Estate

Coming Up on Headlines: Osama Bin Laden and Your Local 7-11 - What is the Connection?

BUSH PROMISES TO WORK UP HIS COURAGE FOR POSSIBLE FUTURE PRESS CONFERENCES OR LIGHT OPERA PRODUCTIONS

After Exhaustive Review of the Literature, University of Michigan Anthropologists Disappointed that Humans Actually Diverged From Giant Lemurs in 1927

Citing Profit Decline, Clear Channel Cuts Back on Drum Tracks

Baseball Steroid Scandal Deepens as A's Bat Boy Crushes Beer Vendor's Head Like a Grape

Incredibly Salty Seattle Sea Cap'n Develops Barnacle Cappucino

Amazing Lozenge Stops Bullshit in its Tracks

Dirty Limerick Writer Breaks Guiness World Entendre Record With Quintuple "Shaft Coupling"

View of Stunning Cafe Vixen Blocked by Display Case of Novelty Christmas Mugs

WALMART MOVES INTO RETAIL CONSCRIPTION

City of Seattle Unable to Contain Thai Restaraunt Outbreak

Mariners's Clock Stripped, Sanded, Scrubbed, Dipped in Xylene, Polished and Waxed

Gargantuan Sanrio Kitty Monster Crushing Orlando, FLA With Love

Business School Sponsors "Service to the Nation" Moment

Coming Up On Headlines Weather: Should You Be Concerned that the Car Won't Start With that Huge Green Glowing Cloud Bearing Down from the North?

SKI PATROL NAPALMS SNOWMOBILE

Patrons at "Clown Pie Restaraunt" Disappointed in Prompt, Professional Service

Stereo Nazi Annexes Car Toys

BATMAN TO COMMISSION: "JOHN ASHCROFT COULDN'T FIND HIS OWN DICK WITH A CONTOUR MAP AND A TEAM OF GAY COWBOYS"

RECORD 2 BILLION PEOPLE WINCE IMAGINING WHAT WAS SUPPOSED TO POP INTO BUSH'S HEAD

Distant Star Likes to Pretend to Be Incoming Jet

Sailboat Report: Sand Point Aptly Named

Ratings Gambit: Public Television Drops First "L"

Tinky Winky Apologizes for 9/11

Giant Floating Brain From Nebular-7 Put Into Mild Depression By Taco Bell Receipt

Coming Up on Headlines: Does Your Dog Resent Your Thumbs?

FRACTION DISCIPLINED BY DENOMINATRIX

Starbucks Opens Up Canine Latte Market with Starbarks

Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Place "This Machine Kills Fascists" Sticker on I-Mac

Harmless Tacoma Intafada Begins With Hurling of Light Beer Cans at Parking Enforcers

Today's Tomorrows' Headlines SUNDAY

Inside: EASTER BUNNY DUCKS RPG

BLORNOKS AND ANTI-BLORNOKS UNITE- GIANT FLOATING BRAIN FROM NEBULAR-7 RUES MISHANDLED INVASION OF GLOBLORNOK 6

Snowman Climatologist Checks into Fairbanks Betty Ford Clinic

Outdoors: WESTERN RACCOON COUNCIL WORKING OUT AD CAMPAIGN TO GET HUMANS TO WASH HANDS CONSISTENTLY

Break in Tyco Scandal Using Secret Wiretap as Barbie Turns States Evidence

Adorable Kittens Sleeping on TV Have Uncanny Sense They're Being Stared At

LETTERS: A Record 28 Old Men Complain about Lack of Traffic Light Synchronization

WOODY GUTHRIE ZOMBIE THROWS LEG AT BOB DYLAN

International -BLAIR: "I'm With Turbo-Doofus"

Al Jazeera Breaks Into Iraq Feed For Kabul Police Donkey Chase

Fashion: Dick Cheney Tempted by Silky, Silky Cape

DR. STRANGE: "I am Sensing that Michael Jackson's Little Red Choo-Choo's Gone Chuggin' Round the Bend"

SPORTS: When Does Football Start Again?

Judge Grants Martha Stewart Temporary Satire Injunction

Gardening: Remember Not To Overwater the Undead

New U.S. Voice-Activated .50 cal Ammunition IDs, Issues Recorded Apology to Non-Combatants

ARTS- Talentless But Overeducated Hack Sleeps With Gallery Owner

OPINION - Highly Privileged Woman is Betrayed and Outraged By Au Pair's Comment

Coming Up on Headlines: Why Jesus May Not Love Just Anyone

SECRET AUGUST 2001 PRESIDENTIAL BRIEFING NOTE REVEALED: "RE: AL QAEDA PLANS TO ATTACK- THIS IS IMPORTANT SO DON'T JUST LEAVE THIS ON THE EMPTY HO-HO WRAPPERS PILE LIKE BEFORE"

MARKETER FLOATS 'AIR-BRANDING'

NEPALESE VIDEO GAME STORE OWNER WOULD LIKE TO SEE MORE NEPALESE-THEMED CAR THEFT GAMES

SNOWMAN CLIMATOLIGIST CLINICALLY DEPRESSED

University of Michigan Study: U.S. Airports Never To Be Completed

University of Robots' Robot Scientists' Year-Long Study of Adorable Kittens Fails to Clear Up Mystery of Cute Widdle Fuzzy-Wuzziness

US Effort in Iraq Now In Sight of Antarctica

Scandal at Giants/Mariners Game as Barry Bonds' Bat Cracks Open and Splashes Anabolic Steroids all over Umpire

Stunning Brazilian Model Bounces Check

PENTAGON: CLERICAL ERROR BLAMED FOR MISFILING "IRAQ: CIVIL WAR, MAKING A" PLAN IN "IRAQ: DEMOCRACY, PEACEFUL TRANSITION TO" HANGING FOLDER

AUSTRALIA FLOATS RADICAL WALTZIST PLAN TO REMOVE "AL"

U.S.: Only Shites and Sunnis Behind Uprising, "Zorastrians of the Willing are Still With Us."

AL Qaeda Begins Chattering Offensive

BUSH ROOMMATE AT YALE: GEORGE EXPERIMENTED WITH THE TRUTH SEVERAL TIMES IN COLLEGE

ISRAELI TROOPS TAKE OUT ICE CREAM STAND WHICH WAS HARBORING TINY FROZEN CHERRY-VANILLA SENIOR HAMAS OFFICIALS

Adorable Kittens Adorablizing Random Pedestrian

Giant Floating Brain From Nebular-7 Irked by 15th Consecutive Lame Cable Offer

SHARON CHASES ARAFAT AROUND AND AROUND TREE WITH A 2x4 WITH A RUSTY NAIL IN IT

RUMSFELD WARNS US TROOPS: "SHOOTING INTO LARGE IRAQI CROWDS APPEARS TO ANGER THEM."

Investors Say 'Yes May I Have Another' as City of Tallahasse Issues $3 mn in Dominatrix Bonds

White House Releases August 2001 PBJ and Glass of Milk

Clear Channel Replacing Howard Stern With Some Uber-Perv in Acquisitions

CONDI RICE SETS CAUSE OF MODERATELY ATTRACTIVE DATELESS FAR RIGHT-WING FEMALE AFRICAN AMERICAN NEO-CONS EMPLOYED IN NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISING INDUSTRY BACK 50 YEARS

VIRTUALLY FORGOTTEN DOT-COM GURU CONTINUES TO RAIL AGAINST BRICK AND MORTAR HOUSING

BUSH LOSING SUPPORT OF NIXON ADMINISTRATION

The Today's Tomorrow's Headlines Old Standbys Edition

POLICEMAN FINDS NOTE TAPED TO BACK WHICH SAYS "THIS WAY TO KRISPY KREME"

KANSAS CITY TAKEN ABACK BY TSUNAMI WARNING

A FRUSTRATED PRIEST, RABBI, AND ACCOUNTANT WALK INTO THE INFORMATION BOOTH AT THE CHICAGO AIRPORT AND DEMAND DIRECTIONS TO THE BAR

HIGHLY CRITICIZED GOVERNMENT EFFORT FAILS TO REDUCE THREAT OF CONTINENTAL DRIFT

WALMART SHELVES NOW STOCKING SMALLER, HEAVILY DISCOUNTED DISCOUNT STORES

ADORABLE KITTENS TENDER OFFER TO SIT ON LAP

Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Bust Pinata Bush in the Nuts

Robot Scientist Who Contributed His Arm to Space Shuttle Would Like It Back if No One is Using It

BATMAN: "Who in Holy Butt-Fuck Pissed in John Goatfucking Ashcroft's Motherfucking Cheerios?"

FIRE DESTROYS CRAWFORD, TEXAS LIBRARY - 'BRIDGES OF MADISON COUNTRY' MOISTENED AND STAINED

The Today's Tomorrow's Headlines Sunday Edition

LEGO BAPTIST DENIES THEORY OF INTERLOCKING PLASTIC BLOCKS

INSIDE: Why This Seven Year Old Boy, Pictured Here, Is Famously Incompetent

FASHION: Black Turtleneck on Software Marketing Executive Proves Source of Inexhaustable Loathing

Fearless Gerbil Pulls Toddler From Burning Ferris Wheel

NATIONAL: Dept. of Defense Political Surveillance of Progressive Web Sites May Result in Secret FBI Investigation. In Related News, The Pentagon is Totally Awesome!!!!:)

Inside the Auto Section: 24 Pages of Why Your Car Shames Your Family

LOCAL- Woman Born Near Here Appears Briefly in Straight-to-Video Coming of Age Film

TRAVEL- Albania: Never Go There

FOOD- Lame Brew-Pub Vaunted By Disreputable Food Editor Who Owes Someone a Favor

ENTERTAINMENT: Whiff of Patchuli oil Induces Britany Spears to Reject Capitalism

PETS: Adorable Kittens Transfer Deep Focus to Can Opener

MEDIA: Woman Reading Sunday Newspaper Fails to Rush Out Suddenly to Buy Discount Consumer Electronics

Man Apparantly Over-Conscious of New Hat

With Years of Experience at Having Sucked Earth Dry of Oil, Exxon-Mobil Moves into 12-24 Pop Music Market

Dogfight Gambling Pool Busted: Marmaduke Undergoes Questioning

WEATHER: How The Occasional Snow Flurries Will Kill You

ARTS: Irony in Dangerous Hyperdrive as Precious Moments Takes Over Whitney Biennial

STYLE: Attract People With Secondary Sex Characteristics

Success Giving Giant Floating Brain From Nebular-7 A Swelled Blood Barrier Membrane

MAN RETURNS AS SEA CUCUMBER WHEN KARMA RESET BUTTON IS ACCIDENTLY BUMPED

Makers of the Hummer Attempt to Surpress University of Michigan Study on Inverse Size Proportionality

Reduced Mafia Fails to Intimidate Wiry Thrift Store Docent

HEADLINES TO BAIT DEPARTMENT OF DEFENSE WEBCRAWLER SCRUTINY BY PRETENDING TO REVEAL ELECTROMAGNETIC PULSE TORPEDO SECRET

AMERICA'S PROBLEMS TRACED TO EZEEKIAL DE KYPER OF NEW YORK, 1687, WHO TOLD FUTURE INFLUENTIAL BOY "OUR LORD DESIRES US TO GROW PORTLY PLUMP AND YET PERSIST IN CONSTANT MOTION"

Judge Will Move Tyco Trial to Juvi

MARTIANS RETURN FROM VACATION TO APPARANT HOME INVASION

Giant Floating Brain from Nebular-7 Entering ATM Pin Number at Grocery Store Uncertain Whether to Push "Yes," "OK" or "ENTER" Buttons

Bunny Foo Foo Indicted

Pfizer Pfaults Pfourth Qtr. Pfinancials

9/11 Commission Plans to Get Good Laugh From Deliberately Over-Pronouncing "Condeleeeeeza"

Federation Crewmember Forgiven Yet Again for Nearly Destroying Universe 3rd Time

57,000 Jobs Added in Government Sector Explaining Away Foreign Policy Debacles

WEEBLE COLLAPSES AND DIES

Outsourcing Software Company Accidently Outsources Jobs All The Way Around the World And Back to Itself

TECHNOLOGY WILL MAKE THE WORLD SMALLER AGAIN AS PENTAGON DEPLOYS NEW SHRINK RAY

BUSH AGREES TO THREE DEBATES; FORMAT: 3-SYLLABLE GENERALITIES

Rush Limbaugh Snorting Ground-Up Twelve-Step Plans

IT TURNS OUT SHE ALREADY CAME AROUND THE MOUNTAIN SOME TIME WELL BEFORE SHE CAME

Kidnapped Six-Year Old Located in Wal-Mart at 11PM, Stocking Shelves

COAL SEAM HOPELESSLY TRAPPED IN FLOWERY MEADOW

Floating Alien Brain From Nebular-7 Irked by Malfunctioning Hot/Cold Shower Water Knob

APRIL FOOL'S DAY QUIETLY MOVED TO EARLY NOVEMBER

Distance from Portland to Seattle Re-estimated at 547 Miles as the Unfocused Drunken Crow O.D.ing
on Sudafed Flies

Adorable Kittens Report Bird Missing

Mudville Joy Tempered

MOON KNOCKED SLIGHTLY FROM ORBIT BY GRAVITATIONAL PULL OF NEW FORD SUV

Radioactive Bananas Set off Split Detector

Jesus Blows Cookies at Passion

Coming Up on Headlines: Which of Your Personal Weaknesses Has Your Tweens Rifling Through the Liquor Cabinet?