CONFUSION AS MISTAKE GOES AWRY

POWER OUTAGE UN-ROCKS METAL COMMUNITY

BANK ROBS ITSELF

BIG TOAD COMMAND BEST LILYPAD!

SUICIDAL OAK TREE PHONES LUMBERYARD

WOMAN DISAPPOINTED IN DEAD BOYFRIEND

CEOS BONUSES LIMITED TO EXTRA SNACKS WHICH FALL IN VENDING MACHINES

MONGOLIAN FULLY AWARE OF YURT

NOBEL COMMITTEE ANNOUNCES NEW PRIZE FOR RAWK

BUFFALO GAL UNABLE TO COME OUT TONIGHT: BUSY ON FACEBOOK

JOHN BOEHNER LOOKS AT TIME, HURRIES BACK TO CRYPT

SPEECH EXPERTS SAY OBAMA USES HALTING PAUSES TO STIFLE GIGGLES WHILE RECALLING LINES FROM "CADDYSHACK"

BRIEF DANCE CONTRACT TERMS CLEVERLY HIDDEN UNDER ENORMOUS BREASTS

ROBOTS LAID OFF, CRUSHED

IN A TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES URGENT OPINIONS, BY A BEAVER: "YOUR ECONOMIC THEORY IS VERY INTERESTING, BUT IF YOU WILL EXCUSE ME, I FEEL COMPELLED TO GNAW DOWN THIS BIRCH TREE."

ANDROID ARMY DEFEATED BY SIMPLE SCREENSAVER

OBAMA TO SEND NATION'S FLEET OF SECRET BLACK HELICOPTERS TO HOVER ANNOYINGLY OVER GOLF COURSES

TIBETAN COMEDIAN KILLING WITH NEW YAK-BUTTER TEA JOKE

SHOCKING PARENTS AND BRIEFLY DELIGHTING CHILDREN, SOMALI PIRATES SEIZE SPOKANE CHUCK E. CHEESE

OBAMA'S VACATED PARKING SPACE FOUND ON CRAIG'S LIST

TEENAGER INJURED BY MARKETERRAZZI

MAN WHO SHUFFLED OFF TO BUFFALO, HAVING ARRIVED, PERSISTS IN SHUFFLING

CALIFORNIA ROBOTS VOTE TO BAN ROBOT-APPLIANCE MARRIAGE

MRS. PAUL, AFTER RELIGIOUS CONVERSION, NOW "COD-FEARING"

BRIEF DANCE CONTRACT TERMS CLEVERLY HIDDEN UNDER ENORMOUS BREASTS

IN A TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES URGENT OPINIONS, BY THE COP STANDING NEXT TO YOU: "MAY I SPEAK WITH YOU A MINUTE, SIR?"

NASA SCIENTISTS REPORT MICHIGAN EXPLORER III HAS LANDED SAFELY IN DETROIT

SOMALI PIRATES GRAB TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS

COPS FIND INEBRIATED ALAN GREENSPAN BOTHERING APPLEBY'S CUSTOMERS WITH OBVIOUS PYRAMID SCHEME

PHOENIX: POPCORN GENE INSERTED IN NOW-ESCAPED MICE MAY BECOME ONGOING CATASTROPHY

OBAMA TO DOUBLE TAX ON NASCAR PARAPHERNALIA

HOARD OF ADORABLE KITTENS LEAP ON AND FEROCIOUSLY ATTACK WILLIAM SHATNER'S HEAD

ROBOT-FIXING ROBOT FIXED

CALIFORNIA VOTES TO BAN OWL MARRIAGE

JOLLY GREEN GIANT SHOT WITH POTATO GUN

MAN WITH DUAL PERSONALITIES SHOOTS SELF, SELF

IN A TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES URGENT OPINIONS, BY HILARY CLINTON: DON'T MAKE ME COME OVER THERE

OBAMA MOVES QUICKLY TO CRUSH ANTI-HOPE GROUPS

BRITISH NAVY INTERCEPTS ROGUE CANAPES

MAN WITH DUAL PERSONALITIES SHOOTS SELF, SELF

SOMALI PIRATES CAPTURE TEXAS WATER PARK

MOURNFUL MOOS OF THE CRABCOW FRIGHTEN SHOREFOLK

ALAN GREENSPAN FIRED AS WAL-MART GREETER

SCIENTISTS: MICHIGAN MAY ONCE HAVE BEEN U.S. STATE

STUDY OF STUDY OF STUDIES SHOWS STUDIES OF STUDIES UNDERSTUDIED UNTIL RECENTLY

CALIFORNIA MOVES TO BAN DORK MARRIAGE

JOLLY GREEN GIANT SHOT WITH POTATO GUN

POPE CONDEMNS GOOGLING SELF

CURSING SARAH PALIN TRAPPED IN WASILLA VOTING BOOTH BY CARELESSLY ABANDONED CHINESE FINGER PUZZLE

MISSION FAILING, KARL ROVE TO RETURN TO HOME PLANET

MILLION OBAMA SUPPORTERS EXPECTED TO GATHER IN CHICAGO; TEN MILLION REPUBLICANS EXPECTED TO GATHER THEMSELVES IN THEIR OWN BASEMENT HOME BUSINESS OFFICES

REPORT: MCCAIN SCARED OF GHOSTS

TED STEVENS HUMBLY AND SINCERELY APOLOGIES FOR HIS ABUSE OF POWER, FELONY CRIMES IN HIGH OFFICE

OBAMA TO MAKE FLOSSING MANDATORY

REPUBLICAN DIASPORA: MILLIONS FLEE TO IDAHO, LOADING ENTIRE GATED COMMUNITIES ON PRIMITIVE WAGONS

UPDATE: MCCAIN PARTICULARLY FRIGHTENED OF GHOST OF SCROOGE MCCDUCK

EARLY CHRISTMAS SHOPPING DISRUPTED BY PACK OF ENRAGED HYENAS

HOOTER'S MAKES VICE-PRESIDENTIAL ENDORSEMENT

IN SURPRISE MOVE, MCCAIN CAMPAIGN SENDS DOZENS OF PONIES TO UTAH

SARAH PALIN CLAIMS TO HAVE MEMORIZED THE INTERNET

ADORABLE KITTENS PLAN TO CAPTURE BALL OF YARN, NAP UNDER ITS MIGHTY SHADOW

LOCATED AT IN A DILAPIDATED NEWARK STUDIO APARTMENT AMID EMPTY COORS CANS AND DOMINO'S PIZZA BOXES, CAPITALISM WATCHES GAME SHOWS, TAKES A BONG HIT AND MAKES NO APOLOGIES

UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN SCIENTISTS USE ADVANCED SUPERCOMPUTER TO CRACK "MYSTERIOUS RESEARCH GRANT CODE"

LATE UPDATE: CINDY MCCAIN- GHOST?????

IN A TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES URGENT OPINIONS, BY AN ENRAGED HYENA: "GIVE ME THAT WILDEBEEST BONE, ASSHOLE!!"

DESPERATE FED GIVES JIMMY'S PAWN SHOP $354 BILLION

HALF-WIT ZINGS QUARTER WIT

EMBARASSED ROBOTS NOW SEEKING OTHER TYPES OF PHONE WORK

401(k) now 201(b)

REPORT: IS ALASKA THE NEW WEST VIRGINIA?

McCAIN HANGING ON TO PRO-MELANOMA VOTE

PALIN SHARPLY QUESTIONED BY PACK OF ENRAGED HYENAS

HOOTER'S MAKES VICE-PRESIDENTIAL ENDORSEMENT

MCCAIN CALLS FOR PUDDING

REPORT: SARAH PALIN ATTENDED FIVE DIFFERENT SECOND GRADES

McCAIN STATEMENT "I HATE WAR" UNDERMINED BY PROFOUND LOVE OF WAR

UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN SCIENTISTS MAKE TENTATIVE IDENTIFICATION OF POPULAR ENGLISH PROFESSOR WHO TOOK PARKING SPACE

CARMEN SANDIEGO CAPTURED AFTER WORLD-WIDE SEARCH; WILL BE CHARGED WITH WAR CRIMES

IN A TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES WEATHER: LOOK OUT!

MCCAIN SEEN WANDERING AROUND PHARMACY ASKING PEOPLE IF THEY KNOW WHERE HE LIVES

TABLOID SAYS THEY HAVE 78 SECOND RACHEL RAY SEX TAPE

MAN AFFECTS OWN LIFE

FAMED NOVELIST OUT OF WINDEX

ADORABLE KITTENS MEET FOR CUTE CONVENTION

IRAN DEVELOPING LASER BURKA

BILL CLINTON SEEN AT DENVER POOL HALL, HUSTLING BETS

UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN SCIENTISTS DISCOVER GENE WHICH CAUSES SLIGHT ANNOYANCE AT APPARENT WASTE OF PRECIOUS SCIENCE RESOURCES

PORTLAND CYCLIST SURVIVES CRASH ONLY TO BE KILLED BY PACK OF ENRAGED HYENAS

CARMEN SANDIEGO CAPTURED AFTER WORLD-WIDE SEARCH; WILL BE CHARGED WITH WAR CRIMES

IN A TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES WEATHER: APOCALYPTIC-Y

TABLOID SAYS THEY HAVE 78 SECOND RACHEL RAY SEX TAPE

CARMEN SANDIEGO CAPTURED AFTER WORLD-WIDE SEARCH; WILL BE CHARGED WITH WAR CRIMES

PORTLAND CYCLIST SURVIVES CRASH ONLY TO BE KILLED BY PACK OF ENRAGED HYENAS

JOHN EDWARDS REGRETS AFFAIR WITH JOHN McCAIN

SNEAKY GIRLFRIEND UNLEASHES SECRET PRESENT-INDUCING CAMPAIGN

UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN SCIENTISTS DISCOVER GENE WHICH CAUSES SLIGHT ANNOYANCE AT APPARENT WASTE OF PRECIOUS SCIENCE RESOURCES

POLYAMOROUS MARIN COUNTY ORGY INTERRUPTED BY EARNEST DEMOCRATIC PARTY ORGANIZERS

SCIENTISTS UNVEIL ROBOT FRIEND DESIGNED TO NEVER TOTALLY BAIL ON YOU

WEIGHING ASPECTS CAREFULLY, MAN AT 7-11 CONCLUDES WASABI CHIPS WILL PROVIDE BEST TEMPORARY RELIEF FROM GNAWING DESPAIR

IN A TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES WEATHER: OUTLOOK GREAT FOR PINEAPPLE SEASON IN SIBERIA

IN DRAMATIC TURN, DICK CHENEY CLAIMS TO BE BARACK OBAMA'S FATHER

RASH OF BEAR ATTACKS IN ALASKA ATTRIBUTED TO RISE IN CAVE FORECLOSURES

BUSH POLL REPORTS APPROVAL OF 1: A CERTAIN MR. TOM PRICKSON, UNEMPLOYED LOCKSMITH, OF SCRANTON, PA.

SCIENTISTS' REVIEW OF LITERATURE REVEALS COMPLEX PERSONAL MOTIVATIONS

STUDY: AMERICA NOT PREPARED FOR EXTENDED PERIOD OF SENSIBLE PUBLIC POLICY

BILL CLINTON POPS UP AS NEW PRESIDENT OF CHAD

FAKE BLUETOOTH SET COMPANY TARGETS SCHIZOPHRENIC DEMOGRAPHIC

MAN PREPARING 7-11 HOT DOG ABOUT TO FACE EXISTENTIAL CRISIS

ADORABLE KITTENS FAIL IN TELEKINETIC ATTEMPT TO PRODUCE NUMMIES

BILL GATES SEEN CRUNK AT RENTON 7-11, TOSSING PLASTIC LAWN CHAIRS AT PASSING CARS

SCIENTISTS URGENTLY WORKING TO CRACK GENETIC CODE FOR ANGELINA JOLIE

McCAIN UNVEILS PROPOSAL TO EXTEND DAYLIGHT NAPPING TIME

HILARIOUS JOKE ON GAS PRICES THWARTED BY SEX

STUDY: U.S. NOW A SAD, LONELY SUPERPOWER

ROBOT PORN SPREADS SEEN AT LOWE'S

FLEEING KARL ROVE LEADS COPS IN CHASE THROUGH TRI-COUNTY AREA, DEATH TOLL NEARING 27

NODDING SOLEMNLY, OBAMA QUIETLY APPROVES HIS OWN MEMORIAL DESIGN

ADORABLE KITTENS UNABLE TO UNDERSTAND SIMPLE DVR INSTRUCTIONS

BUSH CAUGHT IN LINCOLN BEDROOM TRYING TO APPROVE HIMSELF

JOHN MCCAIN FORCED TO DENY ADULTERY WITH GEORGIA WOMAN SPY DURING BATTLE OF ANTIETAM

DIESEL ROBOTS TO SAVE FUEL BY ARM-SHARING

UNIV. OF MICHIGAN SCIENTISTS ESTIMATE WASTED 147 MILLION U.S. MAN-HOURS EACH SUMMER CAUSED BY GIRLS STRETCHING

ADORABLE KITTENS FACE CHALLENGE WITHDRAWING FROM PAPER SACK

FACING POLAR MELTING, POLAR BEARS' INVESTMENT GROUP MAKES ATTEMPT TO PURCHASE CRUISE SHIP

BILL GATES RETIRING TO CATCH UP ON "BATTLESTAR GALACTICA"

NEW HONDA RUNS ON INEXPENSIVE MILK

SCIENTISTS: GOOGLING "GOOGLE" MAY DESTROY INTERNET

JOHN MCCAIN WASTES AFTERNOON LOOKING FOR HANDCRANK TO START BUS

ADORABLE KITTENS STRESS ADORABILITY

CONCERNS EXPRESSED AS HILLARY CLINTON NOW TOSSES BACK AVERAGE 15 SHOTS A DAY

ONION WRITERS' ATTEMPT TO SEND MOTHER'S DAY CARD HOBBLED BY IRONIC SUBTEXT

PFIZER RELEASES "BRANDUMAXOL", WHICH TREATS DEBILITATING ADDICTION TO PURCHASING DRUGS FROM GLAXXO-SMITH-KLEIN

PSYCHIATRIC SAVINGS MULTIPLY AS ROBOTS AUTOMATE JUNGIAN ANALYSIS

POPULAR BAND RESISTS SELLING OUT FOR FOUR DAYS

GHOST OF ORVILLE REDDENBACHER SPRINKLING BUTTER FLAVORING ON THE LIVING

SCIENTISTS: GOOGLING "GOOGLE" MAY DESTROY INTERNET

HOUSE SOLD FOR SONG: CELINE DION HIRED TO NOT SHUT UP UNTIL CLOSING

IN TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES OPINION, BY THE RULING JUNTA OF MYANMAR : "WE WILL FIGHT FOREIGN INTERFERENCE IN OUR PEOPLES' RIGHT TO DIE OF DYSENTERY"

JOHN MCCAIN FORCED TO DENY ADULTERY WITH GEORGIA WOMAN SPY DURING BATTLE OF ANTIETAM

DIESEL ROBOTS TO SAVE FUEL BY ARM-SHARING

BUSH CAUGHT IN LINCOLN BEDROOM TRYING TO APPROVE HIMSELF

UNIV. OF MICHIGAN SCIENTISTS ESTIMATE 147 MILLION U.S. MAN-HOURS WASTED EACH SUMMER BY WATCHING OF GIRLS STRETCHING

ADORABLE KITTENS FACE CHALLENGE WITHDRAWING FROM PAPER SACK

FACING MELTING, POLAR BEARS' LAWYER MAKES ATTEMPT TO PURCHASE CRUISE SHIP

BILL GATES RETIRING TO CATCH UP ON "BATTLESTAR GALACTICA"

MODEST PRICE ADVANTAGE AS NEW HONDA RUNS ON MILK

SCIENTISTS: GOOGLING "GOOGLE" MAY DESTROY INTERNET

IN TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES OPINION, BY THE WALL STREET : "IN THIS DIFFICULT CLIMATE, WHO WILL LOOK OUT FOR LARGE OIL COMPANIES?"

U.S. SUPREME COURT AWARDS ALASKAN OIL SPILL VICTIMS 10.2 BILLION IN EXXON-MOBIL "FUNBUCKS"

CLINTON TO OBAMA: EXCUSE ME, YOU'RE IN MY CHAIR

PERFORMANCE ARTIST SKATING EDGE WITH "WHY I OWE NO TAXES" INSTALLATION

PROBLEM-SOLVING ROBOTS HIT SNAG ON PROBLEM OF NEW PROBLEM CREATION

ALTERNATIVE ROCK MUSIC LOSES LEASE

GHOST OF ORVILLE REDDENBACHER SPRINKLING BUTTER FLAVORING ON THE LIVING

SCIENTISTS: GOOGLING "GOOGLE" MAY DESTROY INTERNET

A DRUNKEN ALAN GREENSPAN INSTIGATES, LOSES FISTFIGHT WITH TOLL BOOTH ATTENDANT

LOW-SELF ESTEEM ARCHITECT ADDS DECORATIVE PIT TO COMMISSIONED HOLE

DETAINEES PROTEST RADIOS WHICH ONLY BROADCAST PLEDGE DRIVES

IN TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES OPINION, BY GENERAL MUSHARAFF: "RETURNING DEMOCRACY WAS A BAD IDEA"

ECONOMY LOOKING FORWARD TO STIMULUS PACKAGE, CANDLELIT DINNER

DICK CHENEY EXPECTED TO EMERGE FROM HIBERNATION SUNDAY, HUNGRY AND IRRITABLE

STUDY: FURTHER STUDY WOULD JUST CONFUSE THINGS

FUNERAL OF MAN WITH 763 MYSPACE FRIENDS NETS 3 PALLBEARERS

GHOSTS IN GHOST CRUISE SHIP HAVE SOMEHOW GAINED WEIGHT

NEO-DRUID CASTS CURSE-SPELL ON RENT-TO-OWN FURNITURE MANAGER

ECONOMIST, BIOLOGIST, CLIMATOLOGIST ALL FAIL TO REASSURE EACH OTHER

LOW-SELF ESTEEM ARCHITECT DESIGNS WORLD'S MOST BEIGE BUILDING

GOOGLE PULLS OUT OF ILL-ADVISED ENTRY INTO PANCAKE BATTER MARKET

IN TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES OPINION, BY DICK MORRIS: "MY OPINION HAS BEEN CANCELED DUE TO AN OVERDRAFT"

ENDANGERED SPECIES BEGIN TAKING UP EXTREME SPORTS

NORTH KOREANS INSTRUCTED TO LAUGH AT HILARIOUS "ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US" INTERNET CRAZE OF 2001

TACO SUPREME COURT ISSUES SOUR CREAM RULING

ADORABLE KITTEN TORTURES SPIDER IN ORDER TO FIGHT TERRORISM

MAGIC KINGDOM CLIMATE CHANGE WILL BRING INCREASED PERIODS OF SADNESS

UGLY MAN URGED TO SHOP ONLINE

EXXON HEADQUARTERS PLUMBING AGAIN CLOGGED WITH WADS OF MOIST CASH

HUNGRY UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN SCIENTISTS USE STEM CELLS TO MAKE CHICKEN BREAST

JERSEY CRIME SYNDICATE HIRES ALBERTO GONZALES TO FORGET ABOUT IT

COMING UP ON URGENT HEADLINES WEATHER: VINDICTIVE HAIL

ZOMBIE ROBOT THREATENING TO INGEST MOTHER BOARDS

IN RETIREMENT PLANS, POST-WHITE HOUSE BUSH TO "COMPLETELY DISCREDIT THE AREA AROUND CRAWFORD, TEXAS"

BAR BRAWL INDUCES BAR FIGHT

ADORABLE KITTEN NARROWLY ESCAPES NEARBY LOGGING TRUCK TRAGEDY BY INSTEAD SLEEPING ON RUG

UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN SCIENTISTS CLOSE TO EFFECTIVE TREATMENT FOR LONELY SCIENTISTS

LOCAL TEEN INSPIRED TO GIVE UP

DESPERATE FOR GOOD NEWS, BIOLOGISTS ANNOUNCE THAT THE RACCOON IS NOT ENDANGERED

"REDNECK PLATO" POSTULATES THE REALM OF THE CONCRETE FORMS

TURKISH GOVERNMENT HIRES ALBERTO GONZALES TO FORGET THE ARMENIAN GENOCIDE

IN TODAY'S URGENT OPINIONS, BY CLAY BENNETT, OWNER OF THE SEATTLE SONICS: " THE CALL TO SNIVEL: WHY AMERICA'S BILLIONAIRES MUST SPEAK OUT"

IN MIX-UP OVER WRITER'S STRIKE, COAST GUARD ICEBREAKER SENT TO HOLLYWOOD

COMING UP ON URGENT HEADLINES WEATHER: ANGRY SPRINKLES

CITING PUBLIC DANGER, NEW YORK CITY NOW ENFORCING SPEED LIMIT ON FAST-WALKING SUPERMODELS

UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN GENETICISTS: HUMAN/CLAM HYBRID "HAPPY AS A HUMAN-CLAM HYBRID"

MINIVAN BREAKS WORLD IDLING IN FRONT OF ME BLOCKING MY WAY IN PARKING LOT RECORD

JESUS RE-APPEARS IN TACOMA, OPERATING A VERIZON MALL BOOTH

IN TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES OPINION FEATURE, BY MIKE "GUTSHOT" JONES: "I SURE WISH THAT GUY HAD NEVER SHOT ME IN THE GUT"

ADORABLE KITTENS INVESTIGATE REFRIGERATOR AS POSSIBLY INEXHAUSTIBLE SOURCE OF NUMMIES

WAR ON TERROR SIDETRACKED BY BATTLE OF MORONS

ARTIST RECONTEXTUALIZES I-90 WITH ABSTRACT EXPRESSIONIST LANE MARKERS

CRISP FALL DAY RUINED BY UNNECESSARILY ANNOYING WINDSHIELD REPLACMENT

NOW IN PRIVATE PRACTICE, ALBERTO GONZALES LOSES $20 MIL CASE AS HE FAILS TO RECALL FILING DEADLINE, THE LEGAL PRECEDENTS INVOLVED, WHO HIS CLIENT EXACTLY WAS OR WHAT THE CASE WAS EVEN ABOUT

INTERNATIONAL ASSOCIATION OF ROBOTS SPOKESBOT CALLS CRITICS RUN/TIME ERROR

COMING UP ON URGENT HEADLINES WEATHER: METEOR-Y

UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN STUDY: AMBIGUITY CRISIS MAY WORSEN OR NOT

AN ENRAGED DICK CHENEY OUTBID AT LAST MINUTE ON EBAY

PHYSICISTS ISOLATE MORON RAYS

NEW CAR WILL RUN ON GREENER PLUTONIUM

IN TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES OPINION FEATURE, BY NOBEL LAUREATE AL GORE: "SUCK ON THIS, MORLOCKS"

GIULIANI SUPPORT STEADY AMONG CONSERVATIVE GIUS

ON RETURN HOME, RELEASED GUANTANAMO DETAINEE GETS BILL FOR FIVE YEARS OF HBO HE NEVER ORDERED

ROBOTS WITH GREEN MEMORY CARDS TO REPLACE AMERICAN ROBOTS ON ROBOT ASSEMBLY LINE

FEATURES: LOCAL CRAFT ARTIST TURNING OLD WATERBEDS INTO "BLADDERS OF INCONSOLABLE DESPAIR"

ON GOLF COURSE, DONALD TRUMP SCORES RARE "ASSHOLE IN ONE"

FACING $8 BILLION INVESTOR FRAUD AND 15 COUNTS OF FEDERAL RACKETEERING CHARGES,

ACCUSED CEO SUDDENLY IMPRESSES JUDGE WITH DISPLAY OF WICKED HACKY-SACK SKILLS

COMING UP ON URGENT HEADLINES WEATHER: INSIDE NOT AT ALL GOOD EITHER

BUSH HUMBLY APOLOGIZES TO SELF

POPULACE INFURIATED BY ENDLESS BRITNEY SPEARS COVERAGE, FRENCH ASSAULT FORCES LAND AT REDONDO BEACH

CLIMATE CHANGE REPORT: BIG ROCK CANDY MOUNTAIN NOW SLUFFING OFF TAFFY

RELATED: CANDYLAND SCIENTISTS DISCOVER SWEET PINK COTTON CANDY CLOUDS "PUMPING OUT BILLIONS OF TONS OF CO2"

ADORABLE KITTEN SURVIVES MINUTES LOST IN PILLOW CASE

IN TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES OPINION FEATURE, BY ECONOMIST PAUL KRUGMAN: "I TOLD YOU AND I TOLD YOU: WHEN DID I EVER NOT FUCKING TELL YOU?"

SURPRISE, CARNAGE IN HARTFORD AS BLUE, 10-ARMED GODDESS OF CHAOS KALI VISITS TGI FRIDAYS

LOCAL WOMAN FORCED TO CHOOSE BETWEEN STYLE, COMFORT

ANALYSTS: G.O.P. ACRONYM INCREASINGLY SUSPICIOUS

SENSUOUS KISS WITH BREATHTAKING GIRL INTERRUPTED BY EARNEST CITY COUNCIL CANDIDATE

LOCAL DOG YET STARES AT BLOG WRITER

DUMBASS AIRLINES LANDS AT REALLY WIDE RUNWAY*

COMING UP ON HEADLINES: YOUR HAMSTER- WHY YOUR FURRY LITTLE FRIEND MAY INDUCE INFECTIOUS BOILS, EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA, AND LINGERING FOR A FEW DAYS IN AGONY WHILE AWAITING THE SWEET RELEASE OF AN INEVITABLE DEATH -HEADLINES REPORT YOU DON'T WANT TO MISS, AT 11

*Special thanks to old Bob Newhart joke