BUSH HUMBLY APOLOGIZES TO SELF

POPULACE INFURIATED BY ENDLESS BRITNEY SPEARS COVERAGE, FRENCH ASSAULT FORCES LAND AT REDONDO BEACH

CLIMATE CHANGE REPORT: BIG ROCK CANDY MOUNTAIN NOW SLUFFING OFF TAFFY

RELATED: CANDYLAND SCIENTISTS DISCOVER SWEET PINK COTTON CANDY CLOUDS "PUMPING OUT BILLIONS OF TONS OF CO2"

ADORABLE KITTEN SURVIVES MINUTES LOST IN PILLOW CASE

IN TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES OPINION FEATURE, BY ECONOMIST PAUL KRUGMAN: "I TOLD YOU AND I TOLD YOU: WHEN DID I EVER NOT FUCKING TELL YOU?"

SURPRISE, CARNAGE IN HARTFORD AS BLUE, 10-ARMED GODDESS OF CHAOS KALI VISITS TGI FRIDAYS

LOCAL WOMAN FORCED TO CHOOSE BETWEEN STYLE, COMFORT

ANALYSTS: G.O.P. ACRONYM INCREASINGLY SUSPICIOUS

SENSUOUS KISS WITH BREATHTAKING GIRL INTERRUPTED BY EARNEST CITY COUNCIL CANDIDATE

LOCAL DOG YET STARES AT BLOG WRITER

DUMBASS AIRLINES LANDS AT REALLY WIDE RUNWAY*

COMING UP ON HEADLINES: YOUR HAMSTER- WHY YOUR FURRY LITTLE FRIEND MAY INDUCE INFECTIOUS BOILS, EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA, AND LINGERING FOR A FEW DAYS IN AGONY WHILE AWAITING THE SWEET RELEASE OF AN INEVITABLE DEATH -HEADLINES REPORT YOU DON'T WANT TO MISS, AT 11

*Special thanks to old Bob Newhart joke