UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN STUDY: AMBIGUITY CRISIS MAY WORSEN OR NOT

AN ENRAGED DICK CHENEY OUTBID AT LAST MINUTE ON EBAY

PHYSICISTS ISOLATE MORON RAYS

NEW CAR WILL RUN ON GREENER PLUTONIUM

IN TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES OPINION FEATURE, BY NOBEL LAUREATE AL GORE: "SUCK ON THIS, MORLOCKS"

GIULIANI SUPPORT STEADY AMONG CONSERVATIVE GIUS

ON RETURN HOME, RELEASED GUANTANAMO DETAINEE GETS BILL FOR FIVE YEARS OF HBO HE NEVER ORDERED

ROBOTS WITH GREEN MEMORY CARDS TO REPLACE AMERICAN ROBOTS ON ROBOT ASSEMBLY LINE

FEATURES: LOCAL CRAFT ARTIST TURNING OLD WATERBEDS INTO "BLADDERS OF INCONSOLABLE DESPAIR"

ON GOLF COURSE, DONALD TRUMP SCORES RARE "ASSHOLE IN ONE"

FACING $8 BILLION INVESTOR FRAUD AND 15 COUNTS OF FEDERAL RACKETEERING CHARGES,

ACCUSED CEO SUDDENLY IMPRESSES JUDGE WITH DISPLAY OF WICKED HACKY-SACK SKILLS

COMING UP ON URGENT HEADLINES WEATHER: INSIDE NOT AT ALL GOOD EITHER