ZOMBIE ROBOT THREATENING TO INGEST MOTHER BOARDS

IN RETIREMENT PLANS, POST-WHITE HOUSE BUSH TO "COMPLETELY DISCREDIT THE AREA AROUND CRAWFORD, TEXAS"

BAR BRAWL INDUCES BAR FIGHT

ADORABLE KITTEN NARROWLY ESCAPES NEARBY LOGGING TRUCK TRAGEDY BY INSTEAD SLEEPING ON RUG

UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN SCIENTISTS CLOSE TO EFFECTIVE TREATMENT FOR LONELY SCIENTISTS

LOCAL TEEN INSPIRED TO GIVE UP

DESPERATE FOR GOOD NEWS, BIOLOGISTS ANNOUNCE THAT THE RACCOON IS NOT ENDANGERED

"REDNECK PLATO" POSTULATES THE REALM OF THE CONCRETE FORMS

TURKISH GOVERNMENT HIRES ALBERTO GONZALES TO FORGET THE ARMENIAN GENOCIDE

IN TODAY'S URGENT OPINIONS, BY CLAY BENNETT, OWNER OF THE SEATTLE SONICS: " THE CALL TO SNIVEL: WHY AMERICA'S BILLIONAIRES MUST SPEAK OUT"

IN MIX-UP OVER WRITER'S STRIKE, COAST GUARD ICEBREAKER SENT TO HOLLYWOOD

COMING UP ON URGENT HEADLINES WEATHER: ANGRY SPRINKLES