Have You Tried Our New Absinthe Mocha?

BUSH APPEARS IN MISSOURI WITH MUCKLES THE AARDVARK, NEW NATIONAL SECURITY MASCOT, WITH TRADEMARK "ONLY YOU CAN LICK TERRORISM"

Wild Applause as Kerry tells Bush: "And I Vow That I will Crush You As I Now Crush This Plum Tomato"

KRISPY KREME SALES FLATTEN OUT AS BOX ACCIDENTLY LEFT IN PASSENGER SEAT

Quality Foods Moves into Value-Added Gourmet Otter Pops, With Real Otter

New Infinti Coupe With Sophisticated On-Board Sensors Strongly Recommends You Start Walking

Energy Economists Warn the Only Thing With Less Gas Than the Stock Market is our Actual Gas Inventories

Abercrombie and Fitch Faces Busing Plan

9/11 Commission Blames Chad Rower, 42, Asst. Technical Analyst at DIA, for Failing in Aug 2001 to Act After Obtaining Bin Laden's ATM Card

Pfizer Shifts Research Drive From Cure for Resistent Malaria to New Boner Patch

Coming Up on Headlines: The $567 Billion Reflected in Your July Bank Balance May Belong to the Saudi Royal family

She is Not For You, Captain Kirk

Convention Shocker as John Edwards Delivers 2 Incredible Hours of Obscene, Sticky, Anatomically Unlikely Suggestions to Dick Cheney

Gov. Jeb Bush Reaffirms Florida's Principle of One Man, 3/4ths to One and 5/8ths Vote

Questioned in Scouting Incident, Ann Coulter Denies Foisting S'mores of Death

Severe Thunderstorms Seem to Hamper Coin-Operated Laundry Soap Dispenser

Sen. Obama Tapped As New James Bond

Republicans Accuse Kerry of Recklessly Seeking Presidency

In Africa Policy Shift, Teresa Heinz-Kerry Pushes War for Ketchup

Bob Novak Sells Out American Secrets to Iran For Box of Slightly Stale Cheez-Its

Adorable Kittens Use Sharp Claws to Climb Up Dick Cheney's Inner Thighs

Dell Laptop Screen Blocking View of Everything Below Sexy Overbite

GOP STRATEGISTS DEFIANTLY DECLARE "WE SHALL NOT BE DISUADED FROM MAKING SHIT UP"

Ron Reagan Gives Bill O'Reilly Vulcan Death Grip

We'd Like to Thank Goya for That Live Report

President Bush Leads Expedition Deep Into Upper Waters of the Amazon, Enters State of Deep Meditation and Consumes Poison Dart Frog Toxins to Reach a Mortal Struggle With Osama Bin Laden On the Jaguar Spirit Plane

Study Reveals Pop Country Cowboy Hats Are Actually Once Rare Life Forms Which Live Surprising Well By Sucking Out Small Amounts of Talent From Head

Kellogs Fires Exec In Frosted Arugula Misstep

Boy, 8, Shows Careless Disregard for Simple Rules Against Toying With God's Laws, Dooming Nevada

St. Francis of Assisi Flunks Evening Kickboxing Class

Adorable Kittens Employ the Retort Fuzzy

Tornado Fails to Destroy Mobile Home

Surgeons Working Around the Clock At Bethesda Naval Hospital Attempt to Separate Fraternal Twins, 32, Mostly With Childish Taunts And Imprecations Concerning Sexual Proclivities

Coming Up on Headlines: Could Your Preassembled Metal Shed Be Hiding Pakistan's Nuclear Weapons Program?

Major Initiative Undertaken Towards Development of Knowledge-Based Economy

Fats Waller Suddenly Pulls Tommy Gun From Stand-Up Piano and Totally Wastes SS Leader Himmler

Wal Mart "Health and Beauty and Preventative Dentention" Section Raises Eyebrows

Mesmerizing Bio-Chemist Unveils New Mesmerizing Spray

Frogs Deluge Fly Muffin Bakery

Dried Haggis Found in Sunken 1972 Ford Bronco Glove Compartment With Note Pinned On It Asking for Emergency Helicopter

Report: Ancients Had Discovered Secret of Avoiding Dish-Pan Hands Hundred of Years Before Jesus Cured the Wrinkle-Fingered

Cambridge University Assoc. Attacks Accreditation of University of People Reading A Lot

Man-Eating Gorilla Had Not Been Given Cupcake Allocation for Over a Month

Ingenious Hi-Tech Invention Renders Letter "Y", Semi-colon Obsolete

Clever Seattle Artist Patents Money

Insurance Company Totally Screws Man Over

Nostradamus Shocker: "I Haven't the Foggiest"

Alan Greenspan Returns "It's A Wonderful Life" Only Partly Rewound

Des Moines Opera's Experimental Version of "Die Fledermaus" is Unrealistic in Depiction of Iowa Farm Life

Coming Up on Headlines: Are Rabid Ferrets Also Massing In Your Company's Locker Room?

Image of Raphael's Mother Left Out of Big Fancy Painting

Late-Edition With Wolf Blitzer Closed Captioning Service Fired After Porn Movie Script Whimsically Substituted

Cult of "Product" Builds Brand Identity, Penetrates Market Share of the Almighty

View of Impressive Decolletage Obscured By Stack of Fair Trade Organic Coffee Cups

Adorable Kittens Fake Their Own Death For The Insurance Money

Sci Fi Channel Viewer Identifies At Least Five Ways these Dorks on the Beach Can Easily Escape the Swarm of Deadly But Still Fairly Tiny Super Ants

Tearful Bichon-Frise Retracts False Story of Adorable Kittens Insurance Death Hoax; Blames Unresolved Feelings of Jealousy, Humiliation of Plastic Neck Cone

ARIZONA SOCIALIST ON VERBAL RAMPAGE AFTER MISTAKENLY GIVEN RASPBERRY FLAVORED COFFEE

Charlie Rose, Putting Aside Standard Interview Technique With Architect Frank Gehry, Instead Spends Entire Hour Silently Sharing a Giant Ice Cream Sundae

Ben Stiller To Star in Comedy

Coming Up on Headlines: Why Your Company is About to be Denounced By Noam Chomsky

Administation Takes Pains to Clarify That Economic Gains From Enslavement of 2nd Graders Will Benefit All American Families Without 2nd Graders

Detailed Story of Web Server Replacement Kills 2, Injures 14

Woman in Elephant Costume Gains Popularity With Clever Use of Shop Vac

CANADA RETRACTS PROTOPLASMIC PSEUDOPOD

Highly Attractive Manhattan Woman Breaks Cross-Town Land Speed Record

University of Robots Robots Robots 0100100001111000100111110001110101010

Baptists Bag 400 African Souls with 800 Pounds of Rice

Adorable Kittens Cop a Feel

Coming Up on Headlines: Our Expert Tells You Everything You Want to Believe

Klingons Identify Tin-plated, Overbearing,
Swaggering Dictator with Delusions of Godhood

HMO Refuses To Cover Imbalance of Black and Yellow Humors

PENTAGON EXPLAINS RUMSFELD HAS BEEN BUSY BETA-TESTING HALF LIFE 2

Bush Vaunts Successful Protection of U.S. From Threat of Northern Invasion

Adminstration Plans to Improve National Forests in Eastern Washington By Dropping Tons of Burning Radioactive Liquid Mecury

Courtney Love Suddenly Explodes - Resulting Shards Are Swept Up and Arrested For
Assault, Possession of Cocaine, and Multiple Outstanding Warrant Violations

Terrorists Strike America's Health Care System, Throwing 50 Million Americans Off Insurance Rolls, and
Thousands into Premature Deaths (Correction: "Investors" -Ed.)

Wildfires Spread Across the Dancefloor, People Shake It Like They Don't Care No More

US 3rd Army Armored Division Moves Into Medford, Oregon in Attempt to Dislodge Heavily Entrenched WalMart

Terrorist Late for Istanbul Meeting But Bake-Sale Brownies Looked Scrumptious

University of Michigan Robot Scientists Reveal That the Flesh is Weak

All Species Removed From Endangered List; Problem Solved

Promise of Attractive Strip-Mall Design Falls Short of Expectations

Adorable Kittens Appear Shaken, Haunted by the Past

Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Write "Union Now!" On Dollar Bill Before Putting Into the Starbucks Tip Jar

Coming Up on Headlines: The Scourge of Floraphilla - How Much Do You Really Know About Your Gardener?

Massive Warm Dark Field Threatened By Emerging Gaseous Implication of Dynamic Spiritual Balance

7.4 EARTHQUAKE STRIKES COURTNEY LOVE

WOMAN, 23, ABLY MATCHES SOCKS WITH TASTELESS PLASTIC LAVENDER JEWELRY

JEWEL PITCHES JEWRY

U.S., RUSSIAN INTERCONTINENTAL BALLASTIC MISSILE SYSTEMS RECEIVE VAST CLOWN UPGRADE TO NOX-BASED MULTIPLE-REENTRY TARGET WHIPPED CREAM DISPENSERS

New Mom's Husband Inwardly Proud of New Baby And Wife's Magically Engorged Breasts

SENATE DEMS INTRODUCE HOPEFUL CONSTITUTIONAL AMENDMENT TO BAN SAD MARRIAGE

Seattle Native Warmly Welcomes Stranger

Adorable Kittens Vent Rage on Deep Pile Carpet Sample

Attractive Woman in Cafe is Indifferent to Implied but Unspoken Offer to Sit and Enjoy a Free Cappucino

Coming Up on Headlines: Have You Been Victimized by Sweet-Talkin' Termites with Promises of Maintenance-Free Siding?

MARAT WHACKED

WHALE GYNECOLOGIST DISAPPEARS

TOP AL QAEDA LEADER TURNS IN SELF, RESPONDING TO SAUDI AMNESTY, SHIATSU MASSAGE, & FOOD COURT COUPON OFFER

REPORT: CIA FAULTED FOR 2001 BUSH PRETZEL-CHOKING INCIDENT

HOMELAND SECURITY TO POSTPONE ELECTION IN CASE OF TERRORISTIC ACTION, DEFINED AS SUDDEN INVOLUNTARY CHANGE OF U.S. GOVERNMENT

DICK CHENEY GROSSLY UNDERTIPS PAPER BOY, BERATING THAT EVEN A BASICALLY COMPETENT BOY WOULD HAVE THE PAPER THERE EACH AND EVERY DAY BY 4 AM

Courtney Love, Who, on the Lam in New York Drinks 2 Bottles of Goldschlagger and Shoots a Couple of Speedballs Before Stealing Ferrari, Running Over a Clutch of Nuns and Two Boy Scouts in An Attempted Escape As She Crashes It Into Liquid Oxygen Truck Which Explodes and Collapses a Large Section of the Guggenheim, Destroying $340 Million worth of Artwork and Totally Wiping Out a Cotton Candy Stand, And Staggers Down the Street, When She Suddenly Grabs Mayor Bloomberg's Crotch, Then Punches Him Out, Before Passing Out On the Top of the Escalators in Radio City Music Hall, Tumbling Down and Wiping Out Norah Jones Before Vomiting on the Year Old Quintuplets Who Were to Appear On the TODAY Show, Is Arrested

President Abraham Lincoln's Ghost Bitch-Slaps Ann Coulter

Marketing Manager Really Believes in the Product

Necessity for Fancy Raspberry Red Paint Job on New Navy Flying Attack Submarine Questioned

Local Girl Riled Up

ENTIRE U.S. AIRCRAFT CARRIER ABRAHAM LINCOLN BATTLE GROUP SURPRISED AND TAKEN BY GHOST PIRATES OFF THE MYSTERIOUS ISLE OF WOE

PENTAGON BLAMES OCCUPATION DIFFICULTIES ON INEXPERIENCED IRAQI GOVERNMENT

RECURRENT DEADLY EXPLOSIONS SEEN AS NECESSARY STEP FORWARD IN PEACE PROCESS

Alcoholic Alligator Pulled Over Outside Baton Rouge for Driving While Drunk and Cold-Blooded; Tests at .12 and 82 Degrees

A Glowering Dick Cheney Flatly Refuses to Pay Late Fees on "Like Water for Chocolate" When He Never Even Got Around to Watching It

Sadaam Refusing to Eat American Lima Beans

Bush's Frequent Toga Wearing Looking Less and Less Like Frat Nostalgia

Chinese Government Strikes Courageous Blow for The Human Right of Staying In Power Longer

Myrtle the Lesbian Polar Bear is Dissuaded From Releasing Album of Humorous Seal Meat Folk Songs

Rural Young Adults Leaving Family Farm America for Hot Urban Centers Where it Smells Better

Unmanageable Cannibal Mandibles Mishandle Edibile Candles

Supercolliding Superconductor Launches Superfunk Mothership

GIANT FLOATING BRAIN FROM NEBULAR-7 BALKS AT $3.25 FOR ORANGE JUICE AT DENNY'S

Coming Up on Headlines: Why No One Is Safe From Comcast Broadband Special Offer

Ashcroft Orders Emergency Deployment of Special Ops FBI Anti-Naked Task Force Delta

John Kerry Already Forced to Clarify That John Edwards is Running Mate

Ann Coulter Reportedly Forcing Cute, Endangered Koala Bears Into Unnatural Sex Acts With Other Neo-Fascist She-Males

Was It Liv Tyler Obscured Behind That Passing 1967 Mustard Yellow Ford Econoline Van?

Chickens Org. Will Seek Significant Reparations

Plato, Neo-Con of Athens, Sucks Up to Pericles To Cover Up Spartaphilia

Austria Apologizes For Peristent Inability to Distribute the Wonder of Viennese Pastry To Everyone All Over The World

Mookie the Phelmgy Drum Majorette Hocks a Solid Green One 42 Meters

Nike Business Model Eliminates Shoe Production - Institutes Service Wherby Consumers Pay a Monthly Fee To Be Culturally Associated With Sports Figures in Their Own Mind

Adorable Kittens Fingered As Cause of Wicker Basket of Yarn Fiasco

Restaraunt Featuring Provencal Style with a Bit of Northwest Fusion Forced To Add Pull-Tabs

Coming Up on Headlines: Your Mailman's GrowingSchadenfreude

Woman Frolicking Nude in the Park Attacked By Swarm of Horrible Flying Babies

BRANDO: "I COULDA BEEN A CONTENDER, INSTEAD OF DEAD WHICH IS WHAT I AM"

KERRY IN VEEP SEARCH REPORTEDLY COURTING OZZY OSBOUNE, TOM DASCHLE, CARROT-TOP

Schwartzeneger Outsourcing Much Government Work to Vienna

New BMW Convertible Comes With Special Button Which Audibly Mocks the Middle Class

A Ferocious Anchorage-Area Grizzly Bear Receives Excellent Credit Rating Qualifying Him for Special 0% Interest Deal on Balance Transfers until July 2005

Radical Atkins Cell Crushes Twinkie Plant With D-9 Cat

Tori Spelling Cures Leukemia

Fox News Editor Catches An Actual Fact Moments Before It is Accidently Reported

Ann Coulter's Orders Random Executions of Her Child Sex Slave Workers Who Were Attempting to Organize a Union

Whoever Stole My Wallet At the Fireworks Show is Thoroughly Un-American

Encouraged By New Stability, Monderant Industries Opens New TNT, Ammunition, Aviation Fuel Factory and Uranium Ore Processing Plant In Fallujah

Adorable Kittens Appear Thoroughly Worn Out

A Murder of Crows Begins Singing "Look At Me..."

Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Fill Out False Information on Grocery Store Discount Card

Coming Up on Headlines: Why Sudanese Militias May Be Looking For You

Man Surprises Self With Growing Interest in Accordian Music

HUBBLE DISCOVERS 100 NEW PLANETS WITH PRACTICALLY UNLIMITED MARKETING OPPORTUNITIES

University of Michigan Scientists Announce Exhaustive Multidisciplinary Study Results: Generally Speaking, Things Aren't Great and Might Be Getting Considerably Worse, But, You Know, Not So Bad for a Lot of People at the Moment, Although Things Suck Something Awful In Quite a Few Places Already

SADAAM FINED 45O DINARS, SENTENCED TO 15.6 MILLION HOURS OF COMMUNITY SERVICE, AND RELEASED ON OWN RECOGNIZANCE

Commercial Campaign Falsely Implies People Are Amused and Delighted By Printer Cartridge

Fuzzy Baby Bunnies Take on Kittens in National Adorable-Off; Bunnies Eaten

Ann Coulter Begins Charging Her Enslaved Child Sex Workers Outrageous Roaming Fees

FCC Institutes Massive Indecency Fines; "Indecency" defined as "Hurtful, Personal Criticism of FCC"

MR. GORBACHEV, TEAR DOWN THIS HISTORICAL REVISIONISM