BUSH SURPRISES DOMINICANS WITH ATTEMPT TO COURT HISPANIC VOTE BY VISITING HISPANIOLA

EPA Proposes Easing Gas Shortage By Subsidizing 4 ton Hummer Riding Mowers

Tampa Goalie Shot By Own Forwards

STUDY: OKAY, THIS KIND OF DANCING MAY ACTUALLY BE ILLEGAL

Burt Reynolds' Moustache Enters Smithsonian

Stocks go Down On Heated Promise Of Reciprocation

Girl at Club Who Keeps Insisting On How Wild She is Seems to Be Refering to Lack of Renter's Insurance

INTRODUCTION OF LOW-CARB DONUT RISKS CIVIL WAR

University of Michigan Study: What Happens in Vegas Stays Mundane And Depressing

Coming Up on Headlines: Why You May Have Accidently Transferred Your 2001 Taxes to a Mrs. Gibbons of Brisbane, Australia

SURPRISE MOVE BY IRAQ COUNCIL TAPS BEN AFFLECK FOR P.M.

Aardvark Sick of Ants; Will Seek Cheesecake

Tonight Alone, Thousands of Late-Night Meal Orders Expected to Be Served With Insufficient Ketchup Packets

ACTOR PLAYING GERMAN AIRMAN EXPRESSES CONCERN OVER PRETEND SPITFIRES

Dick Cheney Signs Onto Everquest Server as GothPrincess47

Awkward Teenager Badly Mishandles Boob Touching Opportunity

101st Airborne Requisites More Sherbet

Leading Buddhist Scholars Order Exhaustive Karmatic Analysis of Hugh Hefner

Study: President's Falling Approval Numbers Making A Sound Comparable to Occassions in Which Wile E. Coyote is Suddenly Handed an Anvil

Iraq Situation Disexplained

Phone Description of Fingerprints Leads FBI To Round Up Tulsa Choc-O-Licious Baking Guild

Giant Floating Brain From Nebular-7 Still Unable to Fully Trust E-Ticket Check-In

Plot of "Lord of the Rings" is Re-re-explained to George Bush

Radical Free Ferret Force Frees 5000 Ferrets; Freed Ferrets Ferociously Frolicking Frightens Fifteen Parrots

Gum Industry Lobbyists Move Congress to Declare "Underside of Cafeteria Tables" Week

New York Times Solemnly Regrets Total Butt-Fucking Asslick Reports On Iraq

Coming Up on Headlines: Why the Many Special Sides of You Are All Dangerously Legally Exposed

IN MAJOR SPEECH POLICY SHIFT, BUSH WILL INCREASE PAUSE AFTER WORD "FREEDOM" TO A FULL TWO MINUTES

France: "You Call that Begging?"

AMERICA UPS OIL ANTE; OFFERS SAUDIS 50,000 METRIC TONS OF USED VCRS

Kittens' Publicist Attempts to Shake Off "Adorable" Label

MAJOR SHIPPING ERROR AT KRUGER FOODS FILLS L.A. GROCERY STORES EXCLUSIVELY WITH CLAMMATO

Dallas Celebrates Opening of New Public Pudding Utility

WALMART COUNTING ON U.S. PAY INCREASES TO IMPROVE SALES (Real Story-NPR)

Keanu Reeves Uncovers Mysterious Virtual Reality Where He Can Act

HERITAGE FOUNDATION STUDY DEMONSTRATES THAT AFFORDABLE HEALTH CARE IS MAKING AMERICAN WORKERS "SOFT"

Terrorists Plan Summer Attack But Run Into Difficulty With Chinese Take-Out Order

Coming Up on Headlines Weather: Sprinkles of Terror

ASHCROFT CALLS CONSTITUTION TOO LONG AND BORING; WILL BE REPLACED BY "CLIFF'S RIGHTS"

CONGRESS PROPOSES STEEP NEW TAX ON NOT MAKING MONEY

BOLD NEW PLAN: U.S. Unveils Iraq Presidency Powerball

Jobs Plan, Foresty Reforms Free Central Park for Logging

Ad Agency Asst. Director Gets Down on Knees and Pitifully Begs Major Client to Not Use Bachman Turner Overdrives's "Takin' Care of Business'


Documents Reveal Halliburton Owns Virginia

Ann Coulter Attempts to Annex Sudatenland

Cute Puppy Attracting Attention Thwarts Plan to Slyly Check Out Particularly Fine Booty

George F. Will Admits Latent Hippiness

Cat Shows Adorable Kitten What's What

U.S. Launches Preemptive Air Strike Against Michael Eisner

U.N. URGES BAGDAD LEASH LAW

Pentagon City Mall Sales of Mega-Hydroxy Ass-Covering Cream Skyrocket

Botched Suicide with Potato Gun Merely Results in Home Fries

Arctic Researcher Craving Hot Tang

Taking a Page From the Israeli Playbook, Seattle Will Improve Relations Outside of King County by Bulldozing Certain Areas of Tacoma

Small Bird Convinces Adorable Kittens that It is Terribly Dangerous

Sonia Ghandi Also Turns Down Pre-Approved $15,000 Credit Offer

Bush Praises Pricey Gas

Coming Up on Headlines Weather: Serial Killer Frost Gunning for Innocent Young Cherry Tomatoes

SYRIA DEMANDS RETURN OF THOUSANDS OF LAWNMOWERS, MILLIONS OF CORDLESS DRILLS BORROWED BY SADAAM IN 1994

Letter Addressed to VP Cheney Found in Capitol Hill Restroom is Signed "Your Loving Bitch, Justice Scalia"

Retracted Denial Refutation Repudiated

University of Michigan Study: South Simply Will Not Rise

Ohio Child PI Suspects City of Cleveland Has Been Hiding Extra Candy in Pretend Garbage Trucks

Boeing Announces New Airliners Will Be Built By Airbus: Meanwhile, Airbus Will Take Over Government Bribery Responsibilities

Courtney Love Sobers Up Enough to Meet, Slap Pope

50 Cent Shut Down By Eldery Lutheran Thrift Store Docent

NY Traffic Magistrate Orders OVERSIZE LOAD Cars to Lead and Follow Donald Trump

Lugubrious Hamster Attempts Suicide By Walking Hamster Ball to Bowling Alley

Coming Up on Headlines: What Sex Can Do for Your Portfolio

VILLAS, VINEYARDS RISE ACROSS SUBCONTINENT AS SONIA GHANDI INSTITUTES RADICAL PROGRAM OF TUSCANIZATION

Bush Forgives Rummy and It's Hugs All Around at Rose Garden

Police, Firefighters Slash Libraries

In Today's MY TURN: WHY WE MUST ALL STAND BEHIND MY DAFT MONEY-MAKING SCHEME

Country Pop Song Briefly Ameliorates Joyless Existence of Spokane Truck Stop Clerk

Of All the Gin Joints in All the Towns in All The World, I Had to Break My Arm Slipping in My Own Vomit in This One

Merganzer Gooses Schwartzenegger

Tacoma Wisely Changes All Policies

New Fascist Order Will Offer Wide Range of Approved Color Schemes

Adorable Kittens Unable to Resist The Call of the Yarn

Coming Up on Headlines: Why Your Ordinary Bathroom Soap May Be Harboring Bacteria Sympathetic to Cuba

DONNING TOP HAT AND CAPE, RUMSFELD LEAPS ABOARD ESCAPE DIRIGIBLE

Local Car Dealership Badly Bungles "Sweet Home Alabama"-like Sales Jingle

NBC PLUMB OUT OF SHOWS

Harking Back to More Popular Times, U.S. Army Restages 1943 Invasion of Sicily

Front Seat Novelty Air Bags Are Pink and Feature a Big Nipple

WOLFOWITZ INSISTS ON $25 BILLION CHECK MADE OUT TO "CASH"

DOW'S NEW ANIMAL METAPHOR: A "DUGONG" MARKET MEANS FAT AND HAPPY UNTIL RUN OVER BY CONTAINER SHIPS

GIANT FLOATING BRAIN FROM NEBULAR-7 STOOD UP FOR INTERNET COFFEE DATE

Christiane Amanpour Blows the Lid off Georgia Girl Scouts Human Rights Abuses

Adorable Kittens Peer Out Window at Reflection in Window

Ann Coulter Reports Frustration at Inability to Suck Her Own Manhood

Oversmoking Weasel Wheezy

RUMSFELD DEFENDS ACTIONS: "I WAS JUST GIVING ORDERS" (Props to: Dr. X)

VH1's Show of Minor Celebrities Recalling Old, Poor Quality TV Programs Noticeably Increasing Suicide Hotline Calls

New Fascist Order To Offer 30 Day Money-Back Guarantee

Coming Up on Headlines: Is the Mob Buying Up Your Student Loans?

IRAQ PRISON SCANDAL: US MILITARY POLICE DOG RECEIVES GENERAL COURT MARTIAL

IRAQ: QUESTIONS, OUTRAGE ENDURE AS SHOCK SUBSIDES

Sleepy Adorable Kitten Falls Off Washer Into Laundry Hamper

CALIFORNIA PORN SITUATION: QUESTIONS, OUTRAGE ENDURE AS SHOCK SUBSIDES

Tom Delay Sporting New "Jerry" Helmet With Spike

Sony Music Offers Free First Guitar To Muscians That Agree to Sell Out in Junior High

Sunny Spring Day in 60's Making Goth Chick Extra Grumpy

PEORIA WASTEWATER TREATMENT BONDS: QUESTIONS, OUTRAGE ENDURE AS SHOCK SUBSIDES

New Fascist Order's Mandatory Gap Shopping Will Exclude Baby Gap

MS. BEAD'S KINDERGARTEN NAP TIME: QUESTIONS, OUTRAGE ENDURE AS SHOCK SUBSIDES

Blairs Offer to Unilaterally Retract Original British Iraq Borders

TRANSVESTITE PROTOZOANS DISCOVERED IN OLD PEPSI CAN: QUESTIONS, OUTRAGE ENDURE AS SHOCK SUBSIDES

BUSH: NO QUESTIONS

Coming Up on Headlines: "Why That Volcano of Yours Ain't Smoking Reefer"

PASTRAMI ON RYE TO ADDRESS NATION

AK-47 Used to Defend San Fernando Valley Family From Host of Maurading Grizzlies with Knives

Radical Atkins Cell Takes Responsibility for Atlanta Krispy Kreme Explosion: Toll Now Reaches 38 Glazed

MILITANT OWLS TAKE COMMAND OF SOUTHCENTER MRS. CINNABUNS

Memory Research Expanded at Micrsoft Hippocampus

Black Honda Misplaced in Seattle Parking Lot

Ann Coulter Vehemently Denies Need of Strap-On

Amazon Warriors Descend on Army-Navy Surplus Sale

Scientific American Explores Interpretive Dance

Coming Up on Headlines: Can Your Microwave Malfunction and Pre-Heat Your Brain While You Sleep?

EARTH'S ANIMALS OFFER UNCONDITIONAL SURRENDER

BUSH: RUMSELD "SUPERB," STEVEN SEAGAL "EVOCATIVE", OLIVE GARDEN "DELICIOUSLY AUTHENTIC

New Fascist Order Will Give Storm Police Cool Shiny Black Outfits and Totally Awesome Martial Arts Training

ECSTACY, THROBBING TECHNO, TIGHT CLOTHES LEADING TO IRRESPONSIBLE LATE NIGHT ACCOUNTING PRACTICES

Remorseless Adorable Kitten Corners, Taunts, Devours Ladybug

Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Steal Agriculture Secretary's Checked Luggage

East Village Bar Patrons Warmly Embrace New Disney Theme

Giant Floating Brain From Nebular-7 In A Bit of a Funk Over Disappearing Earth Languages

Republican Draft Federal Tax Code Will Include $8000 Deduction for Breast Enlargements

Jessica Simpson: Bush is "Linthead"

BATMAN RETORTS: "If Ashcroft Could Get Zombie Francos's Dick Out of His Mouth for One Second"

Flock of Evil Flying Monkeys Take Iced Mocha Breather at Oz Starbucks

DESPERATE FOR APPROVAL, CONDI RICE APPEARS IN THIS MONTH'S FOREIGN AFFAIRS CENTERFOLD

President Receives Indignant Letter in Mail: He Is Outraged!

Halliburton Receives $52 Billion Contract to Move Capitol Hill 24 Yards to the East

Working in Shifts Over a 36 Hour Period, Surgeons Announce Failure to Remove Wolfowitz Intestinal Cyst From Rumsfeld

View of Trim, Sexy Motorcycle Girl Blocked By Pallid, Unshaven Actuary

Facing Declining SUV Sales Due to Gas Prices, Ford Develops Standard V-12 Uranium Reactor Turbine

Artist Erects Native American Village in Cheyenne Wal Mart Health and Beauty Products Section

Adorable Kittens dissuade Owners From Baby Bunny Acquisition

SICILY FLIPS OUT, SCREAMS: "ITALY IS ABOUT TO KICK US!"

LOVE DEMONSTRATED BY EXTENDED LEASE OF LATE MODEL CAR

PEACE-LOVING IGUANA BITES BUSH ON ANKLE

Fog-Bound Flock of Flying Manatees Impales Tons of Blubber on Trump Tower Pokey Bits

ESTEE LAUDER IRONICALLY SHOT WITH LIPSTICK GUN

MILWAUKEE SUBURB ERECTS CHEESEHENGE

Politically Indecisive Santa Termed Independent Clause

Massive Military Intense Frequency Radar Investigating Solar Corona Detects Murdoch Ego-Waves

Little Leaguers' Humiliating Performance Totally Inexcusable

REPUBLICAN SENATORS PELT RUMSFELD WITH SOFTBALLS, CUPCAKES AND FLUFFY POWDER BLUE PILLOWS

Alan Greenspan's Warning Over Troubling Deficits Inspired By Recent Cable Bill

New Einstein Satellite Determines That Earth Persistently Circles Around It

Tying Up a Loose Thread From the Democratic Primary, University of Michigan Political Scientists Officially Discredit 'Joe-Mentum'
"
Buck Stops in Gravel Pit in Rural Maryland

U.S. Security Contractor, Mistress Domina, Says Confidently that "Investigators Will Beg For It"

Adorable Kittens Unable to Acknowledge Deep Inner Loathing and Resentment

Tired of the Rut and Swapping Conflicts, India Skirmishes in Gaza While Israel Shells a Kashmir Glacier

Man Comments Favorably on Fresh Donut

Judge at Bunny Foo-Foo Trial Evidentiary Hearing Allows Inclusion of Field Mouse Sexual History

TRUMP VOTED OFF AMERICAN TELEVISION

Contradicting Recent PETA report, McDonald's Denies Potatoes Have Feelings

Jehovah Announces Outsourcing Creation of Earth to Bangalore

Dick Cheney Strangely Moved to Take Up Environmental Cause of the Endangered Burrowing Weasel

Hearing Granted at Bunny Foo-Foo Trial on Dershowitz Motion to Suppress Testimony of Mysterious "4th Mouse"

WEISENHEIMER OUTSNIDES SMART-ALECK

Coming Up on Headlines Weather: Severe Pleasantness Storm Descends on Residents of Santa Cruz- Will It Cause Citizens to Panic and Relax?

Justice Scalia Cornered By Bowler-Wearing 30's-era Brooklyn Toughs

GIANT FLOATING BRAIN FROM NEBULAR-7 BEGINS LISTING TO STARBOARD

Bush Retracts Apology to Iraqi Prisoners When Informed that "Apology" Means to "Acknowledge That You Have Done Something Wrong"

Masochists Flooding U.S. Army With Special Requests

U.S. Mercenaries Reported Considering Better Deal With Visigoths

1000 Year-Old Pixie Who Lives in Secret Hollow Down By the Magic Creek Calls For Rumsfeld's Resignation

Under Pressure From Laura, Bush Nearly Finished Mouthing Way Through The Da Vinci Code

Reports Surface that Kim Jong Il Nuked Ft. Wayne, Indianna In January

Misinformed Civil War Re-enactors Sail Modified "General Lee" Dodge Charger Through South China Sea

ATF Cracks Down on Reported Warner Bros. Misuse of Dynamite

Adorable Kitten Chews Mildly on Adorable Kitten's Ear

Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Tie Wal Mart Lobbyist's Shoelaces Together at Zoning Variance Hearing

ACTION IN MADAGASCAR AS PRESSED MEATS VAN COLLIDES WITH MARSHMELLOW CREAM TRUCK

POTATO FLAG UNFURLED, JULIENED

SPRING SUN STRIKES ALASKA, CAUSING MASSIVE WORK EXCUSES

GAY MARRIAGE BICKERING SETS NEW BICKERING STANDARD

DISABLED FROG CLEVERLY ADAPTS TOASTER SPRING

REPORTS CONFIRM ANN COULTER TAKES IT LIKE A MAN

CREDIT CARD COMPANIES CALL IN DEBT, AMERICA BEGINS "NATIONAL YEAR OF WORKING FOR MASTERCARD"

Drunk Drives Hummer to Recycling Station, Is Beaten by Hippies

Zoo Elephant Tired of Bossy Pink Monkeys

Ascots, Blue Blazers Burn as Fear of "Yacht People" Grips Newport Marina