A Colorado Crowd Gathers Into Free Speech Zone Set in Atlanta to Protest Bush Speech in Denver at Noon Three Weeks Ago

IRAQ ALL BETTER NOW

Marketing Exec Misleads Self

SADAAM TO PLAY HIMSELF IN LAW AND ORDER ARRAIGNMENT

Giant Floating Brain from Nebular-7 Lacks Sufficient Quarters for Laundry; Too Embarassed to Ask Girl in Sparkly Heart Tee

It is Reported That a Mr. Larry Smogien of LaCross, WI, is Satisfied With His Cable Service

International Golf Cabal Orders U.S. Air Force Napalming of Arctic Taiga

CIA Implanting Roving Wiretaps in Breast Implants

Adorable Kittens Visit Merciless Death From Above on Passing Spider

Surprise Supreme Court Intervention Picks Replacement Illinois GOP Senate Nominee

"LOGIC INDICATES SHE IS NOT 'ALL THAT'" Mullet-Sporting Vulcans Sound Off on Springer Over Green Orion Slave Girl

PRIME RATE SPIKES UP; CHENEY HAD CUSSED OUT GREENSPAN

Family Dog Would Like to Be Fed

Mysterious Epidemic of Companion Rodent Ennui Pushes Hamster Amphetamine Production Into Triple Shifts

Human Brain Reaches Jingle Capacity

Whiffles The US 101st Airbornne Interrogation Clown Getting Results With Sodium Pentathol and Laser Whoppee Cushion

FCC Rules Documentaries Illegal Unless Clearly Mockumentaries

A Small But Growing Number of Entry and Mid-Level Marketing Executives Quietly Begin Worshipping 'Product'

Concern in Rural New Mexico as Farmer Lars Does Not Remember Leaving This Particular Uranium Sorter Outside the Tool Shed

Clams, Already Not Happy Over Foreign Policy, Began Slow, Squishy March on Washington

A Celebrity First: Jeri Ryan Advances Interests of the Democratic Party By Refusing To Attend Sex Party

Iraq Continues to Be Beset by Hundreds of Thousands of Faithful Muslims

Radical Atkins Cell Blows Up Grape Nuts Plant; Resulting Crunch Collapses Apartment Complex, Injures Dozens

Mother Earth Balling Her Pathetic Hippie Eyes Out

Christianne Amanpour Reports On Adorable Jewish Kitten Nursed to Health By Lebanese Golden Retriever

Iran Got Uranium Enricher off Axis of Evil-Bay

Britney Spears To Marry Herself For Legal Reasons

Coming Up on Headlines Weather: Light Automatic Weapons Fire, Some RPGS in the Early evening. Outlook for Sunday: Don't Forget Your Body Armor!

Tour Group Sends Urgent Request for A New Translator

Kerry Picks Collin Powell as V.P. PSYCH!!

Lemmings Again Begin Traditional 7 Year Run on Fairbanks Rexall for Prozac

BBC News Admits Long-Term Deception; Will Cease Fakey "British" Accent

17 Year Ciccada Disappointed to Have Wait Another Four Years to Buy Beer

GOLF CULT MOWS SASKATCHEWAN

Drug Company Much Too Shy, Modest to Take Credit for Marketing Government Researched Drugs That Save Lives

Giant Floating Brain From Nebular-7 Loses Bouyancy, Sinks: Wicked Migraine

Newark Pugs Rough Up Yorkshire Terrier

Environmental Report: Frankly, You Don't Want to Know, But You Should Probably Be Cutting Down on Your Intake of Atmospheric Oxygen


International Math Panic as X=X Disproven

Phillipine Methodist Church Music Appreciation Function Prepares to Welcome Rocker Phil Collins

IRAN SEIZES BRITISH PATROL BOATS: Thought They Had Candy :<


Belgium Unveils 47mil Euro Plan to Stuff Yet Another Small Country Such as Burkina Faso Between It and France

1998 Meeting In Prague Between Iraq Intelligence Agent and Al Qaeda Operative Was Actually Fairly Egregious Lonely Terrorists Chat Room Misunderstanding

Clinton Reveals Early Driving Ambition To Become Governor of Donuts

On Tonight's INSIDE AMERICA SPECIAL REPORT: Where Did I Just Leave the Bowl of Barbeque Chips?

Popular Indian Radio Show Features Amusing Situations Where Audience Members Call in and Take Turns Confusing and Frustrating American PC Owners

Adorable Kittens Adamantly Refuse to Leave Comfy Blanket

Artist John Mendoza in a Final Happy Moment Before Time Critic Robert Hughes Happened By With Hilarious,Soul-Crushing Aside

News Editor Leads With Smaller But Slightly More Ironic Explosion

Rules Relaxed: First Car on Ferry Will Now Be Permitted to Pretend to Drive Ferry

Supreme Court Ruling Allowing Police to Demand Identity Makes Narrow Exception for Philosophy Majors

Army Will Give Abused Iraqi Prisoners All-Day Water Slide Passes

Ann Coulter Continues to Deny Completely Baseless, Entirely Conjectural Allegations of Manhattan Child Indentured Domestic Servitude Trade as well as False and Spurious Reports of Masturbating to Official Portraits of Bill and Hilary Clinton

Spain Files $534 Trillion Suit in Dade County for Return of North America

Al Qaeda Inflitration of Danish Olympic Synchronized Swimming Team Not Particularly Successful

Mood Induced by Casual Contemplation of Basement May Require Months of Counseling

ALASKA GOVERNOR MURKOWSKI VOWS TO CRUSH THE YUKON

Thelma Removes Spooky Sadaam Mask, Revealing Paul Wolfowitz To Scooby and The Gang; Explains that Weapons of Mass Destruction Were Just Scary Rumors For Frightening Everyone Into Supporting American Military Domination of the Middle East

Bill Clinton Memoir Comes With Racy Trip-Hop Soundtrack

Giant 35 Mile Long Green "HUMID" Letters Floating Over New Orleans

WWII Continues for 17th Straight Year on the History Channel

Adorable Kitten Catastrophically Misjudges Distance to Jump On Table; Does Best to Simply Move On

Giant Floating Brain From Nebular-7 Falls Off Atkins Regimen With Tempting Real New York Cheesecake

Rumsfeld Vows To End Violent Intimidation of Iraqi People, Moves Immediately to Tahiti

National Association of Teachers of English Vote to Remove Use of Word "Freedom" Privileges from John Ashcroft

University of Michigan Scientists Determine That Large Research Grants to Major Midwestern Universities Greatly Increase Male Potency

Hummer Driver Stopped in Gridlock is Overcome by Other Drivers Needing Extreme Emergency Restroom

Coming Up on Headlines: Wolfowitz Curses Meddling Kids

Adorable Kittens Struck Speechless as They Watch 9/11 Commissioners Report No Ties Between Sadaam and Al Qaeda

University of Michigan Scientists Make Critical, Breakthrough Discovery Which They Say Is Much Too Depressing for Them to Publish

France Moves to Combat Joie de Vie

PLATO TOLD TO 'GO BACK TO SPARTA'

Utterly Baseless Allegations of Glue-Sniffing, Meth-Smoking Pedophilia Porn Fraud Begin to Haunt Ann Coulter

BREAKING NEWS: QUALITY WATERBEDS ARE NOT AVAILABLE AT NEVER-BEFORE LOW PRICES

Even the Dog Is Grossed Out By This Particular Tennis Ball

15 Year Old Born-Again Girl Elated, Disturbed By Vision of Jesus Rising From The Waters Wearing a Speedo

Massive Oklahoma T-Storms, Tornadoes, Flooding Force Dan Portsmith to Take I-60 to His Asst. Mgr. Job at Blockbuster Instead of the More Scenic Hwy 12

Abandoned Mystery Office Just Contains 80's Era Beige Office Phones and an Dusty Box of Order Forms

Birds Condemn Cats In No Uncertain Terms

Walter Would Like His Hat Back Now

Sailor Suddenly Remembers Where He Left The Car Keys

CIA Reports Decrease In Quality of Intelligence Gained From Radio Monitoring of Brains of Paranoids

LYNCHPIN SNAPS - REPORTED METAPHORICAL, NO INJURIES

Superannuated Ford Excutive Recalls 78,000 Model As

Reforms Proposed By Administration Would Remove Burdensome Regulations Against Businesses' Billing Customers Without Providing Services

Eggplant Surprise More of A Shock

Professor Lets Failing Art Student Slide on Suspicion He Might Be the Next Hitler


Key Harrisburg, PA Events Fail To Meet Standards for National News Coverage

Adorable Kittens Too Tired to Help Clean Up

Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Loosen Country Club's Salt Shaker Caps

Coming Up on Headlines: Why Your Local School May Forced to Hire Dozens of Arsonists

John Kerry Sits for a Portrait By Velasquez; Advised to Ditch Moustache

U.N. APPROVES U.S. IRAQ PLAN: IRAQI CITIZENS WILL RECEIVE COMMEMORATIVE SHREK II AM RADIO WITH EVERY HAPPY MEAL PURCHASE OF $6 OR MORE

President Was Originally To Join Father on Parachute Jump; Secret Service Nixed Plan After Recalling Disaster Averted in 1978 By the Fortuitous Presence of the Texas Giant Haystack Fair

Huge Reagan Likeness To Be Carved Into Greenland Icewall for the Thoughtful Contemplation of His Frozen Cro-Magnon Contemporaries

Israel Refuses to Pay Palestinian Boys $5 million in Gaza Newspaper Delivery Fees

Headline Writer Seeks Professional Position As Presidential Insultant

Hummer Driver Surprised To Be Run Over by Cement Mixer

U.S. Attempts to Cool Deteriorating Situation Outside of Kabul With New "Afghan Warlord Fantasy IV" For GameCube

American Airlines Touts Flexibility of All Flights Cancelled Policy

Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Fill Out Hundreds of Gay Porn Magazine Subscriptions in the Name of John Ashcroft

Robot Scientists at University of Robots Are Taken Aback When Adorable Kittens Sit on Robot Head

Already Stressed by 4th Identical American Airlines Sandwich in a Row, Giant Floating Brain From Nebular 7 Unable to Buckle Seat Belt Properly

Monica Lewinsky Finally Buys Hummer

Coming Up on Headlines Weather: Whatever it is, Your Flight is Cancelled

Golf Test Program Reduces TV Casualties From Lethal Boredom

Administration Addresses Deficit with Plucky Sleuthing That Will Unlock the Secret to the Ghost Pirate's Treasure

Reagan to Appear on $14 Bill, Hailed as $5 Better than a $9 Bill (-apologies to the great Walt Kelly)

Outrageous Enron Tapes Inspire Republican Calls For suppression of Enron Tapes

Outrageous Torture Memos Inspire Republican Calls for Suppression of Torture Memos

West Village Virus Symptoms Include Lethargy, Affected Indifference, and Recurring Prada Account

Ann Coulter Takes It All Off For Playgirl

Outrageous Kama Sutra Positions Inspire Republican Calls for Suppression of Positions and Printing of Extra Copies

Adorable Kittens Maintain Determined Vigilance on Window Sill

Traffic Light Misjudgment by Giant Floating Brain from Nebular-7 Leaves Buick Stuck in Mid-Intersection

Scientist To Correct Widespread Public Misperception With Nifty Poster

REAGAN LEGACY CELEBRATED AS SIGNIFICANT REDUCTION IN FELONY INDICTMENTS OVER NIXON ADMINISTRATION

Creationists Admit Jesus Fish Car Sticker Evolution

Dancing Banned in Wasilla, AK: Not Immoral, Just of Very Poor Quality

Fire Used As Opportunity to Fire Firefighters

Congoans Politely Thank U.S. For 2000 Ton Shipment of Bubble Gum Tape

It is Revealed that Britany Spears' Speaking Voice Also Goes Out When Electricity's Off

Copyright Infringement: Bats Sue Wombats, Batman, Former Nation of Batvia

Markets Near Collapse as Property Manager Caves on Faucet Repair

Trace Environmental Litigants Threaten Endangered Legal Eagle

Coming Up on Headlines Weather: Interoffice Tornadoes

REAGAN PASSES AWAY AT 237

EMBARASSMENT AT NORMANDY COMMEMORATION AS BUSH CONTINUALLY REFERS TO "THEE" DAY

Republicans Work to Replace Roosevelt on Dime - New 10 Cent Piece Will Feature Teddy Ruxpin

Club Yachtsman Predicts Strong Off-Shore Cash Flow

President Vows to Re-Unite Europe and America With Vigorous Program to Reduce Continental Drift

Rigorous Rationalization of Bride's Maid Dress Selection to Be Published in Physics Review

Catholic University Squleches Academic Freedom- Nixes Course Hot-To-Trot 257

Conservative Undergraduate Protests C+ In Intermediate Sculpture

POPE MEETS DOPE

TENET FINALLY ABLE TO PURSUE CAREER IN INTERPRETIVE DANCE

Bush At Vatican: "Looks Like Some Graffiti Guy Got Your Ceiling."

GODZILLA SIZED MONSTER DEER STOPS IN SEARCHLIGHTS BEFORE SCAMPERING OVER CHICAGO

Political Cartoonist Tires of Drawing Large Sacks of Money

S.F. Dognappers Had Stubbornly Refused to Let the Dogs Out

Dick Cheney Repeatedly Dive-Bombed By Cheap Toupee

Mayor Bloomberg Declares War on 3rd Graders

DOW GAINS ON REPORTS OF WAL MART MURDERING EMPLOYEES

Bush Asks Aide: "What Are all These French People Doing in Normandy?"

New Presidential Nominee To Address Libertarian Party Convention

PRESIDENT ARRIVES IN ROME - EXPRESSES DELIGHT AT MEETING REAL ROMANIANS

TENET RESIGNS; AGENT SMART FINALLY TAKES REIGNS

Traffic Judge Becomes Violently Self-Effacing, Suspends Own License

WAL MART Declares War on Poverty - Begins Shooting Employees

Mr. Thatcher P. Thistwhistle, of Thurston County, is Appalled by Poor English Pronounciation by Visiting Parisians

IN ADDRESS TO NATION, PASTRAMI ON RYE DECLAIMS "CRISIS OF SUBSTANDARD AMERICAN POTATO SALAD"

Rush Limbaugh Rejects Comparison to The Hindenberg: Was a German Passenger Airship and a Bloated Fascist Bag of Gas That Could Explode at Any Moment

Tenet Admits CIA Just Got Most of It's Facts Off the Internet

Coming Up on Headlines: Why an Older Man in Grey Tweed May Come By the House to Explain Everything You've Done Wrong

PENTAGON BACKS CHALABI ASSOCIATE

SNOOP DOG CHOKES ON SWIZZLE STICK- SAVED BY GOOD SAMIZZLETAN

PERSISTENT BUT FRUSTRATED, GIANT FLOATING BRAIN FROM NEBULAR-7 TRIES, FAILS AGAIN TO GO UP RUSSIAN HILL

UNAUTHORIZED MIXING OF HUMAN GENE-SPLICED CORN SUSPECTED AS BUTTERED COB STARTS TALKING TRASH

AK 47 Modified to Fire Lozenges Relieves Thousands of Congoans' Sore Throats

Seattle Mariners Try Running Away

Bush Faces Stupidity Charges the Wrong Way

Adorable Kittens Deny Falling Into Aquarium

Growth Spurt Expands 'Little Italy'- Now 'Modest Italy'

Coming Up on Headlines Weather for the U.S. West Coast: Wind Passing Through Tacoma May Stink Up the Whole Place

COALITION OF THE WILLING

BUSH SEEKS HELP IN IRAQ FROM INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES

AL GORE FINDS MANHOOD; LEFT IN DODGE MINIVAN GLOVE COMPARTMENT IN 1995

RURAL IDAHO MAN HIJACKS DETROIT MONORAIL

Iraq Governing Council Dissolves Easily in Hot Water

DESCENDENT OF VLADMIR KOLKOV ENDS WALKING TOUR OF RUSSIA BEGUN ON A DARE IN 1627

ANGRY SLICE OF MARIONBERRY PIE FINGERS ABUSIVE DINER IN MOB PROBE

Massive Discount Retail Building Fire Enhances Suburban Phoenix

FASHION COMMUNITY SELECTS VERY, VERY BLACK AS THE NEW BLACK

Adorable Kittens Concerned By Remote Controlled Car

LEONARDO DA VINCI DECLINES INVITATION FROM FUTURE FOR DINNER WITH JOHN BELUSHI, MARILYN MONROE AND CHARLEMAGNE

Financial Services Company Happy to Accept Money

PRISON TORTURE COMMUNITY IN FIERCE DEBATE OVER ABU GHRAIB

Sharon Withdraws From Gaza to Dade County