TERRORIST PLOT GOES REFRESHINGLY AWRY WHEN CROP DUSTER IS MISTAKENLY USED TO SPRAY AEROSOL MINT OVER D.C.
CIA REPORTS TO CONGRESS ON IRAQ: "WE WERE CONFUSED BY SHINY THINGS"
AMERICAN LOZENGE ASSOCIATION UNVEILS "LOZENGE OF TOMORROW"
RUMSFELD ADMITS THAT BEING UTTERLY, CATASTROPHICALLY WRONG MAY HAVE GIVEN UNFORTUNATE IMPRESSION OF BEING WRONG
Summertime Living Expected to Be Unusually Easy, Perhaps Even as Easy as Looking At Pie
SPONTANEOUS NATIONAL ORGY CAUSED BY JACKSON NIPPLE FLAP SPILLS OVER INTO CANADA
Teen Suicide Bomber Postponing Her Explosion Until After Christina Aguillera Concert on Cable
CROWS, RAVENS WORKING WITH JIMMY CARTER TO HEAL LONG-STANDING RIFT
University of Michigan Study: University of Washington Usually Mishandles Large Research Grants
General Accounting Office Investigating Halliburton For Massive Overcharges to US Govt In Crashing Earth into the Sun Program
University of Washington Study: University of Michigan Research "Incredibly Gay"
Fed Moves to Revalue Dollar at 103 Cents
Ohio Teen Described as Analogophobic: Mortally Terrified of Vinyl Records, Dial Clocks, Actual Experiences
Fit Bike Rider Annoying Everyone on Trail with Bright Green Over-Logoed Spandex
Terrorist Expresses Outrage over Cell Charges
Astrophysicists Seeking Gravity Waves Detect Intense Gamma-Ray Burst from Black Hole Forming Over Treasury Department
Despicable Nickle Pickles Tickle Fickle Rickels
Declining Basketball Ratings Force March Madness Downgrade to February Mild Enthusiasm
FCC Issues Ruling: Absolutely No Naked Breasts on Broadcast TV- only Large, Jiggling, Well-lit Breasts in Skimpy, Diaphanous Clothing as Per Existing Rules
Severe Weather Alert for L.A. May Force Evacuation as Northwest Grayish Drizzle Front Expected to Move In
ASHCROFT BLASTS SUPERMAN, JUSTICE LEAGUE OF AMERICA
Seattle Artist Changes Wallingford McDonalds' Breakfast Plan as He Suddenly Remembers that A) It's After 11AM, and B) The Wallingford McDonalds Was Just Destroyed and Flattened by Bulldozers (REAL!)
Howard Dean Retooling Campaign To Appeal to Actual Voters
Group to Form Unit
