EMPHASIZING SINCERITY PRIZED BY CONSERVATIVES, G.O.P. WILL REPLACE CHENEY WITH FIRST 'BLACK' V.P. CANDIDATE, A LABRADOR NAMED BIGGS

CONCERN GROWS: WILL ADORABLE KITTENS HANG IN THERE?

Halliburton Cleans Up Futures Markets; Cancels Crashing The Earth into The Sun Plan

DR. DEAN REPORTED IN ROMANIA, HOLED UP IN SECRET LABORATORY

G.O.P. Sets Goal of Making Boob Dangling as Popular as They Made Oral Sex in the 1990s

CLEAR CHANNEL RELEASES SATAN FROM CONTRACT

CHARLIE ROSE YELLS "NO!", SPRAYS BILL O'REILLY WITH WATER BOTTLE

Metrosexual Shaving Craze Now Extending to Cats, Hampsters

Obsessive Swiss Using Giant Moutain Floss to Clean Alps

FCC "War on Breasts" May Extend to Hootchie Pants

Consumer Warning: Honey Buckets Contain the Opposite of Honey

Schwarzenegger Attempting to Go Back in Time to Prevent Himself from Runnning for Governor

BIG SALE ON POT PIES AS INDUSTRIAL CHICKEN POLISHER GOES WRONG

Skippy the Sailing Squirrel Singled Out by U.S. Customs K-9 Unit

University of Michigan Study of Jackson Nipple Flap Indicates Conservatives May Have Unresolved Childhood Issues

20 Cops Burst into to Dayton, OH Kiddy-Care Center, Locate Missing Hungry, Hungry Hippo

American GI at Rest While on Patrol in Mountains Near Kabul, Wonders Idly About the Nature of Afghani Literature

INTERNATIONAL EXPLOSIONS TASK FORCE RECOMMENDS REDUCTION IN EXPLOSIONS