ASHCROFT, F.C.C. JOIN TO ANNOUNCE "WAR AGAINST BREASTS"

George Bush Demands Better Intelligence

FCC's Powell Subpoenas Janet Jackson to Evaluate Certain Facts

John Kerry Whipped Into Frenzy: Raises Eyebrow

MARKETING INDUSTRY TO SUE CERTAIN CONSUMERS FOR ECONOMIC DAMAGES WHO DISPLAYED COMPLETE INDIFFERENCE TO OR MILD CONTEMPT FOR SUPERBOWL AD CAMPAIGNS

Howard Dean Pinning Hopes on Medical Marijuana States

Seattle Metro to Cut Pollution, Decrease Transit Times With Caffeinated Diesel

Lithuanian Americaphile Pines for Days of Brief Layover in Denver

IMPATIENT EXECUTIVE DEMANDS RURAL AGRICULTURAL CONGLAMORATE WAIT A COTTON-HARVESTING MINUTE

WITH SUPERBOWL VICTORY, SECRET PROVISION OF NEW ENGLAND PATRIOT ACT INSTALLS QB BRADY AS SECRETARY OF STATE

Macy’s Parade-Like Display of Giant Cartoon Balloons of American Officials in Kabul Fails to Have the Intended Effect

Weasels, Ermines in Helsinki Talks

Annual L.A. Meeting of Liberal Media Cabal Reaches Agreement to Portray Ann Coulter as a Half-Informed Reactionary She-Male Harpy

Adorable Kittens Report Considerable Interest, Frustration with New Fish Tank

Alan Greenspan Forgets ATM Pin Number

DC Tailor: Dick Cheney Fitted for Enormous Black Cape

In International Trade Dispute, Andora Restricts Ties with U.S., will Deny Mid-Week Ski-Lift Discounts

A Victory in War on Terror as Saudis Institute 5 Day Waiting Period Before Funding Bin Laden

New Microsoft Word Autocorrects Errors Such as “Illegal Microsoft Monopoly” to “Microsoft Integrated Software Environment”

Conference Report: Poorly Dressed Graphics Designers Bringing Shame on All Graphics Designers

Bourgeois ‘Burbs-Based Cadillac Escalade Operators Repeatedly Cut in Line At Seattle Dick’s Drive-In Real!

Dennis Miller Snidely Mocking Global Warming Through Snorkel