ANNOUNCING OPERATION SHIFTING PINEAPPLE, PENTAGON TO VASTLY EXPAND MILITARY ANAL RETENTIVENESS

L.A. Street Car Physicists Exploit Quantum Principles to Develop Car Which Rides Partially Below the Surface of the Street

U.S. ARMY, ATTEMPTING TO REPOSITION IN IRAQ, ACCIDENTLY DEFEATS TURKEY

JACKSON NIPPLE FLAP TAKES PRESSURE OFF MICHAEL

(ULAN BATAAR, MONGOLIA) New I-POD the Hit of the Yurt

FBI Informer Disappointed By Job of Infiltrating Group of Sudanese Fresno Cab Drivers

Exasperated Schwartzeneger Forced to Cover CA Deficit With Personal Check

AGENT GUS FRAMMSON AT GALLOWAY COLLECTIONS SAYS REPEATED CALLS TO WHITE HOUSE OVER $6 TRILLION DEBT RUDELY ANSWERED OR COMPLETELY IGNORED

COMFY NUTRITIOUS FURNITURE EMPLOYS CHEESE FOAM

Captain of Exxon-Mobil Tanker Registered in Lesotho Spaces Out When Docking Form Asks Name of Capital of Lesotho

BERLIN: NOW WITH MORE FIBER

Man, 23, Digging Drainage Ditch, Dismisses Passing Thought Of Using Deepest Section as Cool Fort

New CIA Agent Relishes Small Joke of Shopping at Maryland Target Store with Concealed Weapon

EPA Reports Plutonium Dumping Will Eliminate Lazier Organisms from Food-Chain

Noam Chomsky Debuts Fresh Look on Seattle Bus Ad (REAL!)

Las Vegas Book Club to Crack "The Atkins Revolution"

University of Michigan Study: 99.36% of American Airport Hotel Lounge Singers May Be Missing Marxist Subtext of "Mack the Knife"

LAST REMAINING IGGY POP SONG SOLD TO BED, BATH AND BEYOND

Horrible German Cannibal Lost Handle on Mandibles

Tony Robbins Will Show You How Disconcerting, Gawky Cheesemeisters Can Get Rich and Thrive Spiritually on Insincere Applause

OPPONENTS OF EDIBLE CARS PROPOSED TO EASE URBAN PARKING CRUNCH SAY SYSTEM COULD INCREASE OBESITY; PROPONENTS POINT OUT THAT AFTER CARS ARE EATEN, PEOPLE WILL HAVE TO WALK MORE