HEADLINE WRITER SLAGS OFF FOR SO-CALLED "ART"

America First World Empire in History to Poo-Poo World Empire Status

Lemurs Issue Report Favoring Endangerment of Pumas

BUSH BAREBACKS ANTI-GAY MARRIAGE AMENDMENT

LAMPS FASHIONED TO LOOK LIKE SLIGHTLY MORE EXPENSIVE LAMPS

Liv Tyler Elvish-Talking 900 Number Fires Up

TENSION WITH NORTH KOREA EASES AS KOREAN WORD PREVIOUSLY TRANSLATED TO ENGLISH AS "PLUTONIUM" CORRECTED TO "LINOLEUM"

'PASSION OF THE BRITTANY' OPENS TO POOR REVIEWS

WITH SOCIAL SECURITY INSTABILITY, GREENSPAN FORCED TO RECOMMEND ADOPTION OF SOYLENT GREEN SYSTEM

ADORABLE KITTENS SURPRISED BY DINNER LOBSTER

Labrador Who Swam From Sinking Boat To Wild, Squirrel-Infested Island Prefers to Stay

Casper, Wyoming Video Store Senior Rental Clerk Threatened With Demotion

Confusion and Shouting at POW POW Nightclub as Stripper Dances on Patron's Laptop

Treasury Department Receives Orders To Ransack Villagers and Farmers

KARL ROVE PLEASED BATTERY REMOTE NADER MIND PROBE (SERIES #2) WORKING PERFECTLY

For Some Strange Reason, Just Like He said, Conservatives Are in Fact Rallying to Nader

Deep Socialists Worker's Party Split Reported Over Nader

Ralph Nader Slapped by Small Girl

Ross Perot May Weigh In

Report: Ralph Nader Unsafe on Any Speed

In Highly Regrettable FOX News Wardrobe Malfunction, Ann Coulter's Penis Slips Out

MOOSE BOATS DELIVERS BOAT #1 OF SIX BOAT CONTRACT (Real Headline!, Western Maritime Feb 2004)

Ralph Nader Runs Around Stabbing People

Mountainous Radioactive Potato Snatches Boise Aircraft From Sky

New Administration Policy May Benefit Wealthy

Teletubbie Land Opened to Explosive Impact Coal Mining

Cursory Bush Review Of Map Induces U.S. to Invade New Mexico

Neo-Con Still Haunted By Fear No One Likes Him

Robot Teaching Assistant Hits Inappropriately on Freshman

Cookies Fitted with Computer Chips

SPECIAL ARTS CONFERENCE EDITION

Rejected College Art Association Panel Topics:

Hear that Cracker? I'm Going to Go Medieval on Your Assessment of 14th Venetian Portrait Painting

Mimesis and Mimeogenesis: Representing Representative Representations of Representationalism

Art History And Digital Technology: Using Powerpoint to Greatly Extend Post Slide Projector Presentation Delays

Whacking the Burb Rat: Corporal Negative Reinforcement and Arts Pedagogy at Technical and Community Colleges

Art, Science, and New Media Technology: Sucking Out the Last Juicy Marrow of Humanity from the Soup Bone of Culture

Post-Post Modern Adornment and the Constructed Artist Self: Inverse Proportionality of Fashion Selection Vis a Vis the Material Stickyness of Adopted Media

FRENCH FRIES PRIME SUSPECT IN DRIVE-THRU CARBO-LOADING

FUNDAMENTALIST BIBLE INTERPRETATION QUESTIONS RAISED AS PAT ROBERTSON TURNED INTO ANTELOPE

DEBEERS ATTACKS NEW ARTIFICIAL HIGH-QUALITY DIAMONDS AS DISRESPECTING LONG-HONORED TRADITIONS OF VIOLENCE, MONOPOLY AND RETALIATORY MUTILATION IN THE DIAMOND TRADE

BBC REPORTS EXTENSIVELY ON TONY BLAIR'S INEXHAUSTABLE PERSONAL CHARISMA

KERRY SLIGHTLY PUT OUT BY VEHEMENCE OF AFFAIR DENIAL BY ATTRACTIVE 27-YEAR OLD REPORTER

SNOOP DOG SHILLSHIZZLING FOR RADIO SHACK

AT NASCAR, BUSH ASKS ABOUT THE KIND OF TRAINING USED FOR THE HIGH-SPEED CHAUFFEURING

Unemployed Chinese Communist Seriously Pissed Off

Tech Employees Replaced by Indian Specialists; CEO Replaced By Tape Recorder With Huge Bank Account

Adorable Kittens Reporting More Birds in the Yard

Young Evolutionary Biology Professor Challenging Older, Dominant Full Professor for Research Assistants

Newsome Gay Marriage Move Simultaneously Courageous and Pandering

TOP SCIENTISTS EXPLORE OUTSOURCING AMERICAN CARBOHYDRATES

Toby Keith Hit: "We Love to Beat Up Puppies"

Small Children Hatch Secret Candy Factory Plot

Economics Mathematician Demonstrates Conclusively that Milk Prices are Fixed Shortly Before He is Kicked Out of the Grocery Store

SPANISH POLICE SEEKING DON QUIXOTE AS WINDMILL TAKEN OUT WITH 4-TONS OF C-4

BOOK OF REVELATIONS MUTUAL FUND UNDERPERFORMING

WHITEHORSE HOSTS DEBUT OF 5000lb LEXUS SNOWMOBILE

As We Speak, Millions of Americans are Standing Around on Carpets

GIRLS AT SALON REPORTED ON VERGE OF MAJOR AGREEMENT

CHENEY COLLECTS $100 FROM RUMSFELD AS PRESIDENT FALLS FOR 'PULL MY FINGER' JOKE 50TH TIME

ROBOT HOOTERS WAITRESS UPGRADED TO DD WD-40

University of Michigan Political Science Study: Enormous Grants to Large Midwest Universities Highly Correlated With Re-Election

Marin Sports Bar Featuring Crew Memorabilia, Additional Whitey Sports

Jumping on Religious Action Bandwagon, Steven Seagal to Film Vengence of Vishnu II

FRESNO MAN MADE UNCOMFORTABLE AS NEBULAR 7 SPACE ALIEN TAKES UP URINAL STALL RIGHT NEXT TO HIM

11 Year-Old Senegalese Girl Excited by Find of Malibu Barbie Which Crossed Atlantic After Careless Abandonment by Floridian Marcie Gunwold During a Tantrum Over an Incomplete Happy Meal in 1987

ADORABLE KITTEN INSERTS HIMSELF FUZZILY ON UPPER BOOKSHELF BETWEEN PRINCIPLES OF INDUSTRIAL DESIGN AND THE SPY WHO CAME IN FROM THE COLD

University of Michigan Study: No U.S. Patience for Complete News Sentences

A-ROD TO NEW YORK IN TRADE FOR STATEN ISLAND

Fairy Princess Lillia, Prosecuting Attorney for Feds in Enron Case, Hits Jeff Skilling With 15 Counts of Being Mr. Frowny Face; May Be Sent to Room W/O Candy

Hope Fades for Willowton Elementary Expedition to the North Pole

Hard Times: Storage Container Company Renting Extra Storage Space for Surplus Storage Containers

WHITE HOUSE ISSUES PAPERWORK PROVING BUSH ON BASE IN ALABAMA - A 1973 OFFICER'S CLUB BAR TAB FOR $28,453

CHEVRON, PETCO MERGE TO BECOME STANDARD POODLETROLEUM

INTEL PLAN WILL SHIP ENTIRETY OF PORTLAND, OREGON METRO AREA TO BANGALORE

Espresso Ordering Process has Normally Confident Sea Pirate Feeling Out of His Depth at Bellvue Starbucks

WAL MART CALLS FOR REFORM OF ANTIQUATED ANTI-BUSINESS LAWS WHICH RESTRICT SERFDOM

TREASURY DEPARTMENT TO MAKE DEFICIT MORE FUN WITH GIANT GLASS TUBE WHERE VISITORS CAN WATCH THE BILLIONS SUCK UP INTO THE VOID

Drudge Resents Constantly Elbowing By More Assertive, Higher-Ranking Pond-Dwelling Protozoa

Pandemonium Ensues as Adorable Kitten Falls Off TV into Other Adorable Kitten

Administration Plan Will Extend Credit Cards to Newborn Infants to Cover Unanticipated Childhood Expenses, National Debt

Westminster Kennel Club Withdraws Top Bitch Award From Ann Coulter as Gender Questions Persist

Constant WTC Site Design Changes Force Freedom Tower Builders to Use Legos

Minelli, Jackson Divorce Settlements Affected as California Consitution Changed to Reflect Schwartzenegger's Promise to Stop Gay Marriage Between a Man and A Woman

San Diego Fiberglass Store Assistant Manager Receives Fulbright to Botswanna to Study Mysterious Jungle Epoxy

Interview with Cloud Bank Reveals Abiding Affection for the Northwest

Cafe Riding Fine Line Between Attractively Distressed and Just Plain Falling Over

Ann Coulter Getting that Recurring Dream Again Where She's Giving Zombie Francisco Franco an Altoids Hummer

43,000 CUBIC YARDS OF CRISCO APPLIED TO SAN ANDREAS FAULT IN ANTI-EARTHQUAKE MEASURE

THELMA AND SCOOBY REVEAL BUSH INVOLVED IN 1972 SECRET NATIONAL GUARD INVISIBILITY POTION EXPERIMENT

HILL BOOB HEARINGS FEATURE TOOL POWELL

CLONING CONTROVERSY AS FAST GROWING ALDER TREES SPROUTING SPRINGTIME HUMAN BLASTOCYSTS

WITH MEMORIES AND RECORDS LACKING, EVIDENCE IS MOUNTING BUSH WAS PROBED BY ALIENS THROUGHOUT 1972

TACOMA, SELECTED AS AMERICA'S MOST STRESSFUL CITY, URGED TO CHILL OUT FOR FUCK'S SAKE

A PRIEST, A RABBI AND A PASTOR WALK INTO A BAR AND START ARGUING ABOUT MEL GIBSON

WESTMINSTER KENNEL CLUB SELECTS ANN COULTER TOP BITCH

Africanized Bees Moving Farther North, Complete with little tams, down dashikis, and tiny little snowshoes.

Congolese Boy Soldier Offering to Trade AK-47 for Working 1992 Nintendo

ALASKANS DIG IN, BRACE FOR 3 MORE MONTHS OF SPRING

Seattle Dehippification Continues as Crazed Atkins Dieters Smashing Windows of Whole Wheat Bakeries

EMPHASIZING SINCERITY PRIZED BY CONSERVATIVES, G.O.P. WILL REPLACE CHENEY WITH FIRST 'BLACK' V.P. CANDIDATE, A LABRADOR NAMED BIGGS

CONCERN GROWS: WILL ADORABLE KITTENS HANG IN THERE?

Halliburton Cleans Up Futures Markets; Cancels Crashing The Earth into The Sun Plan

DR. DEAN REPORTED IN ROMANIA, HOLED UP IN SECRET LABORATORY

G.O.P. Sets Goal of Making Boob Dangling as Popular as They Made Oral Sex in the 1990s

CLEAR CHANNEL RELEASES SATAN FROM CONTRACT

CHARLIE ROSE YELLS "NO!", SPRAYS BILL O'REILLY WITH WATER BOTTLE

Metrosexual Shaving Craze Now Extending to Cats, Hampsters

Obsessive Swiss Using Giant Moutain Floss to Clean Alps

FCC "War on Breasts" May Extend to Hootchie Pants

Consumer Warning: Honey Buckets Contain the Opposite of Honey

Schwarzenegger Attempting to Go Back in Time to Prevent Himself from Runnning for Governor

BIG SALE ON POT PIES AS INDUSTRIAL CHICKEN POLISHER GOES WRONG

Skippy the Sailing Squirrel Singled Out by U.S. Customs K-9 Unit

University of Michigan Study of Jackson Nipple Flap Indicates Conservatives May Have Unresolved Childhood Issues

20 Cops Burst into to Dayton, OH Kiddy-Care Center, Locate Missing Hungry, Hungry Hippo

American GI at Rest While on Patrol in Mountains Near Kabul, Wonders Idly About the Nature of Afghani Literature

INTERNATIONAL EXPLOSIONS TASK FORCE RECOMMENDS REDUCTION IN EXPLOSIONS

WOOKIE AMBASSADOR TO EARTH EXPRESSES DISAPPOINTMENT IN TONY BLAIR

TEST OF INTERNET VOTING ELEVATES EMINEM TO 4TH PLACE IN MICHIGAN CAUCUSES

MARS ROVER DRILLS INTO MARS SURFACE- STRIKES NOUGAT

IN TEARY NBC INTERVIEW, BUSH ADMITS LIFE-LONG SHAME OF SPEAKING ONLY PIDGIN ENGLISH

FIRE-FIGHT IN SUNNI TRIANGLE AS FIJIAN DIVISION LAUNCHES OPERATION 'FURIOUS CORAL'

Los Angeles Hospital Competition Heats Up with Catastrophic Heart Failure ER Discount Coupons

University of Michigan Study IDs "Hot-Chick Hit-On Scenario Bio-Software" in Constant Male Operation

A Particularly Wily Coyote Suing Warner Bros. For Image Copyright Infringement, Cruel Defamation

ADORABLE KITTENS WATCHING TOO MUCH AQUARIUM

University of Robots Ethics Course Incorporating Star Trek Episode Re Issue of Whether To Explode as Reaction to Logical Conundrums

Collective Gasp of 93 Million People In Jasckon Nipple Flap Recorded for Use in Anti-Riot Trucks

University of Robots Endowment Drive Targeting ATM Machine Alums

Howard Dean Mounts Gnarly Chopper on Ride into the West

Dennis Miller Breaks Snideometer

Aritificially Intelligent Anti-Ballistic Missile System will Launch From Alaska, Land Near Pyongyang Palace and Instigate Tricky Disarmament Negotiations with Kim Jong Il

PACIFIC PUDDING SHARK HAS SPOON-SHARP TEETH

Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Boycotting Halliburton In Any Potential Drilling Muds Contract

University of Michigan Poll Indicates 12% of Americans Just Driving Around Because They Don't Want to Go Home Right Away

TERRORIST PLOT GOES REFRESHINGLY AWRY WHEN CROP DUSTER IS MISTAKENLY USED TO SPRAY AEROSOL MINT OVER D.C.

CIA REPORTS TO CONGRESS ON IRAQ: "WE WERE CONFUSED BY SHINY THINGS"

AMERICAN LOZENGE ASSOCIATION UNVEILS "LOZENGE OF TOMORROW"

RUMSFELD ADMITS THAT BEING UTTERLY, CATASTROPHICALLY WRONG MAY HAVE GIVEN UNFORTUNATE IMPRESSION OF BEING WRONG

Summertime Living Expected to Be Unusually Easy, Perhaps Even as Easy as Looking At Pie

SPONTANEOUS NATIONAL ORGY CAUSED BY JACKSON NIPPLE FLAP SPILLS OVER INTO CANADA

Teen Suicide Bomber Postponing Her Explosion Until After Christina Aguillera Concert on Cable

CROWS, RAVENS WORKING WITH JIMMY CARTER TO HEAL LONG-STANDING RIFT

University of Michigan Study: University of Washington Usually Mishandles Large Research Grants

General Accounting Office Investigating Halliburton For Massive Overcharges to US Govt In Crashing Earth into the Sun Program

University of Washington Study: University of Michigan Research "Incredibly Gay"

Fed Moves to Revalue Dollar at 103 Cents

Ohio Teen Described as Analogophobic: Mortally Terrified of Vinyl Records, Dial Clocks, Actual Experiences

Fit Bike Rider Annoying Everyone on Trail with Bright Green Over-Logoed Spandex

Terrorist Expresses Outrage over Cell Charges

Astrophysicists Seeking Gravity Waves Detect Intense Gamma-Ray Burst from Black Hole Forming Over Treasury Department

Despicable Nickle Pickles Tickle Fickle Rickels

Declining Basketball Ratings Force March Madness Downgrade to February Mild Enthusiasm

FCC Issues Ruling: Absolutely No Naked Breasts on Broadcast TV- only Large, Jiggling, Well-lit Breasts in Skimpy, Diaphanous Clothing as Per Existing Rules

Severe Weather Alert for L.A. May Force Evacuation as Northwest Grayish Drizzle Front Expected to Move In

ASHCROFT BLASTS SUPERMAN, JUSTICE LEAGUE OF AMERICA

Seattle Artist Changes Wallingford McDonalds' Breakfast Plan as He Suddenly Remembers that A) It's After 11AM, and B) The Wallingford McDonalds Was Just Destroyed and Flattened by Bulldozers (REAL!)

Howard Dean Retooling Campaign To Appeal to Actual Voters

Group to Form Unit

Brief View of Janet Jackson's Nipple Causing Moral Pandemonium in U.S. as Churches Looted, Children Guzzle Tequilla, Women Nationwide Strip Naked Unprompted in Public and Men Sex Up Anything in A Skirt

Howard Dean Thinks Idly of Other Things He Might Have Done with $41 Million

Superbowl Officials Awarded Special Emmy for Offering First Known Entertaining Half-Time Show

Getting Jump on Inevitable Trends, Ford to Unveil New Luxury Robot Somalian-Built Chrysler With Interior Basketball Court

IN MOMENTARY PANIC, ADORABLE KITTENS SHOOT STRAIGHT FOR THE PAPER BAG ON THE FLOOR

BUSH DESPERATELY TRYING TO REMEMBER WHAT HE DID FOR 18 MONTHS IN 1972

Doctors Caught in Probe Flagrante

Oscar Wilde, Animated From Death By Thinking of Incredibly Witty Remark, Zombies His Way into Tony Blair Dinner But Muffs the Delivery When Distracted By a Delicious Fajita

ANNOUNCING OPERATION SHIFTING PINEAPPLE, PENTAGON TO VASTLY EXPAND MILITARY ANAL RETENTIVENESS

L.A. Street Car Physicists Exploit Quantum Principles to Develop Car Which Rides Partially Below the Surface of the Street

U.S. ARMY, ATTEMPTING TO REPOSITION IN IRAQ, ACCIDENTLY DEFEATS TURKEY

JACKSON NIPPLE FLAP TAKES PRESSURE OFF MICHAEL

(ULAN BATAAR, MONGOLIA) New I-POD the Hit of the Yurt

FBI Informer Disappointed By Job of Infiltrating Group of Sudanese Fresno Cab Drivers

Exasperated Schwartzeneger Forced to Cover CA Deficit With Personal Check

AGENT GUS FRAMMSON AT GALLOWAY COLLECTIONS SAYS REPEATED CALLS TO WHITE HOUSE OVER $6 TRILLION DEBT RUDELY ANSWERED OR COMPLETELY IGNORED

COMFY NUTRITIOUS FURNITURE EMPLOYS CHEESE FOAM

Captain of Exxon-Mobil Tanker Registered in Lesotho Spaces Out When Docking Form Asks Name of Capital of Lesotho

BERLIN: NOW WITH MORE FIBER

Man, 23, Digging Drainage Ditch, Dismisses Passing Thought Of Using Deepest Section as Cool Fort

New CIA Agent Relishes Small Joke of Shopping at Maryland Target Store with Concealed Weapon

EPA Reports Plutonium Dumping Will Eliminate Lazier Organisms from Food-Chain

Noam Chomsky Debuts Fresh Look on Seattle Bus Ad (REAL!)

Las Vegas Book Club to Crack "The Atkins Revolution"

University of Michigan Study: 99.36% of American Airport Hotel Lounge Singers May Be Missing Marxist Subtext of "Mack the Knife"

LAST REMAINING IGGY POP SONG SOLD TO BED, BATH AND BEYOND

Horrible German Cannibal Lost Handle on Mandibles

Tony Robbins Will Show You How Disconcerting, Gawky Cheesemeisters Can Get Rich and Thrive Spiritually on Insincere Applause

OPPONENTS OF EDIBLE CARS PROPOSED TO EASE URBAN PARKING CRUNCH SAY SYSTEM COULD INCREASE OBESITY; PROPONENTS POINT OUT THAT AFTER CARS ARE EATEN, PEOPLE WILL HAVE TO WALK MORE

ASHCROFT, F.C.C. JOIN TO ANNOUNCE "WAR AGAINST BREASTS"

George Bush Demands Better Intelligence

FCC's Powell Subpoenas Janet Jackson to Evaluate Certain Facts

John Kerry Whipped Into Frenzy: Raises Eyebrow

MARKETING INDUSTRY TO SUE CERTAIN CONSUMERS FOR ECONOMIC DAMAGES WHO DISPLAYED COMPLETE INDIFFERENCE TO OR MILD CONTEMPT FOR SUPERBOWL AD CAMPAIGNS

Howard Dean Pinning Hopes on Medical Marijuana States

Seattle Metro to Cut Pollution, Decrease Transit Times With Caffeinated Diesel

Lithuanian Americaphile Pines for Days of Brief Layover in Denver

IMPATIENT EXECUTIVE DEMANDS RURAL AGRICULTURAL CONGLAMORATE WAIT A COTTON-HARVESTING MINUTE

WITH SUPERBOWL VICTORY, SECRET PROVISION OF NEW ENGLAND PATRIOT ACT INSTALLS QB BRADY AS SECRETARY OF STATE

Macy’s Parade-Like Display of Giant Cartoon Balloons of American Officials in Kabul Fails to Have the Intended Effect

Weasels, Ermines in Helsinki Talks

Annual L.A. Meeting of Liberal Media Cabal Reaches Agreement to Portray Ann Coulter as a Half-Informed Reactionary She-Male Harpy

Adorable Kittens Report Considerable Interest, Frustration with New Fish Tank

Alan Greenspan Forgets ATM Pin Number

DC Tailor: Dick Cheney Fitted for Enormous Black Cape

In International Trade Dispute, Andora Restricts Ties with U.S., will Deny Mid-Week Ski-Lift Discounts

A Victory in War on Terror as Saudis Institute 5 Day Waiting Period Before Funding Bin Laden

New Microsoft Word Autocorrects Errors Such as “Illegal Microsoft Monopoly” to “Microsoft Integrated Software Environment”

Conference Report: Poorly Dressed Graphics Designers Bringing Shame on All Graphics Designers

Bourgeois ‘Burbs-Based Cadillac Escalade Operators Repeatedly Cut in Line At Seattle Dick’s Drive-In Real!

Dennis Miller Snidely Mocking Global Warming Through Snorkel