NASA SCIENTISTS REPORT MICHIGAN EXPLORER III HAS LANDED SAFELY IN DETROIT

SOMALI PIRATES GRAB TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS

COPS FIND INEBRIATED ALAN GREENSPAN BOTHERING APPLEBY'S CUSTOMERS WITH OBVIOUS PYRAMID SCHEME

PHOENIX: POPCORN GENE INSERTED IN NOW-ESCAPED MICE MAY BECOME ONGOING CATASTROPHY

OBAMA TO DOUBLE TAX ON NASCAR PARAPHERNALIA

HOARD OF ADORABLE KITTENS LEAP ON AND FEROCIOUSLY ATTACK WILLIAM SHATNER'S HEAD

ROBOT-FIXING ROBOT FIXED

CALIFORNIA VOTES TO BAN OWL MARRIAGE

JOLLY GREEN GIANT SHOT WITH POTATO GUN

MAN WITH DUAL PERSONALITIES SHOOTS SELF, SELF

IN A TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES URGENT OPINIONS, BY HILARY CLINTON: DON'T MAKE ME COME OVER THERE

OBAMA MOVES QUICKLY TO CRUSH ANTI-HOPE GROUPS

BRITISH NAVY INTERCEPTS ROGUE CANAPES

MAN WITH DUAL PERSONALITIES SHOOTS SELF, SELF

SOMALI PIRATES CAPTURE TEXAS WATER PARK

MOURNFUL MOOS OF THE CRABCOW FRIGHTEN SHOREFOLK

ALAN GREENSPAN FIRED AS WAL-MART GREETER

SCIENTISTS: MICHIGAN MAY ONCE HAVE BEEN U.S. STATE

STUDY OF STUDY OF STUDIES SHOWS STUDIES OF STUDIES UNDERSTUDIED UNTIL RECENTLY

CALIFORNIA MOVES TO BAN DORK MARRIAGE

JOLLY GREEN GIANT SHOT WITH POTATO GUN

POPE CONDEMNS GOOGLING SELF

CURSING SARAH PALIN TRAPPED IN WASILLA VOTING BOOTH BY CARELESSLY ABANDONED CHINESE FINGER PUZZLE

MISSION FAILING, KARL ROVE TO RETURN TO HOME PLANET

MILLION OBAMA SUPPORTERS EXPECTED TO GATHER IN CHICAGO; TEN MILLION REPUBLICANS EXPECTED TO GATHER THEMSELVES IN THEIR OWN BASEMENT HOME BUSINESS OFFICES

REPORT: MCCAIN SCARED OF GHOSTS

TED STEVENS HUMBLY AND SINCERELY APOLOGIES FOR HIS ABUSE OF POWER, FELONY CRIMES IN HIGH OFFICE

OBAMA TO MAKE FLOSSING MANDATORY

REPUBLICAN DIASPORA: MILLIONS FLEE TO IDAHO, LOADING ENTIRE GATED COMMUNITIES ON PRIMITIVE WAGONS

UPDATE: MCCAIN PARTICULARLY FRIGHTENED OF GHOST OF SCROOGE MCCDUCK

EARLY CHRISTMAS SHOPPING DISRUPTED BY PACK OF ENRAGED HYENAS

HOOTER'S MAKES VICE-PRESIDENTIAL ENDORSEMENT

IN SURPRISE MOVE, MCCAIN CAMPAIGN SENDS DOZENS OF PONIES TO UTAH

SARAH PALIN CLAIMS TO HAVE MEMORIZED THE INTERNET

ADORABLE KITTENS PLAN TO CAPTURE BALL OF YARN, NAP UNDER ITS MIGHTY SHADOW

LOCATED AT IN A DILAPIDATED NEWARK STUDIO APARTMENT AMID EMPTY COORS CANS AND DOMINO'S PIZZA BOXES, CAPITALISM WATCHES GAME SHOWS, TAKES A BONG HIT AND MAKES NO APOLOGIES

UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN SCIENTISTS USE ADVANCED SUPERCOMPUTER TO CRACK "MYSTERIOUS RESEARCH GRANT CODE"

LATE UPDATE: CINDY MCCAIN- GHOST?????

IN A TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES URGENT OPINIONS, BY AN ENRAGED HYENA: "GIVE ME THAT WILDEBEEST BONE, ASSHOLE!!"

DESPERATE FED GIVES JIMMY'S PAWN SHOP $354 BILLION

HALF-WIT ZINGS QUARTER WIT

EMBARASSED ROBOTS NOW SEEKING OTHER TYPES OF PHONE WORK

401(k) now 201(b)

REPORT: IS ALASKA THE NEW WEST VIRGINIA?

McCAIN HANGING ON TO PRO-MELANOMA VOTE

PALIN SHARPLY QUESTIONED BY PACK OF ENRAGED HYENAS

HOOTER'S MAKES VICE-PRESIDENTIAL ENDORSEMENT

MCCAIN CALLS FOR PUDDING

REPORT: SARAH PALIN ATTENDED FIVE DIFFERENT SECOND GRADES

McCAIN STATEMENT "I HATE WAR" UNDERMINED BY PROFOUND LOVE OF WAR

UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN SCIENTISTS MAKE TENTATIVE IDENTIFICATION OF POPULAR ENGLISH PROFESSOR WHO TOOK PARKING SPACE

CARMEN SANDIEGO CAPTURED AFTER WORLD-WIDE SEARCH; WILL BE CHARGED WITH WAR CRIMES

IN A TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES WEATHER: LOOK OUT!

MCCAIN SEEN WANDERING AROUND PHARMACY ASKING PEOPLE IF THEY KNOW WHERE HE LIVES

TABLOID SAYS THEY HAVE 78 SECOND RACHEL RAY SEX TAPE

MAN AFFECTS OWN LIFE

FAMED NOVELIST OUT OF WINDEX

ADORABLE KITTENS MEET FOR CUTE CONVENTION

IRAN DEVELOPING LASER BURKA

BILL CLINTON SEEN AT DENVER POOL HALL, HUSTLING BETS

UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN SCIENTISTS DISCOVER GENE WHICH CAUSES SLIGHT ANNOYANCE AT APPARENT WASTE OF PRECIOUS SCIENCE RESOURCES

PORTLAND CYCLIST SURVIVES CRASH ONLY TO BE KILLED BY PACK OF ENRAGED HYENAS

CARMEN SANDIEGO CAPTURED AFTER WORLD-WIDE SEARCH; WILL BE CHARGED WITH WAR CRIMES

IN A TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES WEATHER: APOCALYPTIC-Y

TABLOID SAYS THEY HAVE 78 SECOND RACHEL RAY SEX TAPE

CARMEN SANDIEGO CAPTURED AFTER WORLD-WIDE SEARCH; WILL BE CHARGED WITH WAR CRIMES

PORTLAND CYCLIST SURVIVES CRASH ONLY TO BE KILLED BY PACK OF ENRAGED HYENAS

JOHN EDWARDS REGRETS AFFAIR WITH JOHN McCAIN

SNEAKY GIRLFRIEND UNLEASHES SECRET PRESENT-INDUCING CAMPAIGN

UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN SCIENTISTS DISCOVER GENE WHICH CAUSES SLIGHT ANNOYANCE AT APPARENT WASTE OF PRECIOUS SCIENCE RESOURCES

POLYAMOROUS MARIN COUNTY ORGY INTERRUPTED BY EARNEST DEMOCRATIC PARTY ORGANIZERS

SCIENTISTS UNVEIL ROBOT FRIEND DESIGNED TO NEVER TOTALLY BAIL ON YOU

WEIGHING ASPECTS CAREFULLY, MAN AT 7-11 CONCLUDES WASABI CHIPS WILL PROVIDE BEST TEMPORARY RELIEF FROM GNAWING DESPAIR

IN A TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES WEATHER: OUTLOOK GREAT FOR PINEAPPLE SEASON IN SIBERIA

IN DRAMATIC TURN, DICK CHENEY CLAIMS TO BE BARACK OBAMA'S FATHER

RASH OF BEAR ATTACKS IN ALASKA ATTRIBUTED TO RISE IN CAVE FORECLOSURES

BUSH POLL REPORTS APPROVAL OF 1: A CERTAIN MR. TOM PRICKSON, UNEMPLOYED LOCKSMITH, OF SCRANTON, PA.

SCIENTISTS' REVIEW OF LITERATURE REVEALS COMPLEX PERSONAL MOTIVATIONS

STUDY: AMERICA NOT PREPARED FOR EXTENDED PERIOD OF SENSIBLE PUBLIC POLICY

BILL CLINTON POPS UP AS NEW PRESIDENT OF CHAD

FAKE BLUETOOTH SET COMPANY TARGETS SCHIZOPHRENIC DEMOGRAPHIC

MAN PREPARING 7-11 HOT DOG ABOUT TO FACE EXISTENTIAL CRISIS

ADORABLE KITTENS FAIL IN TELEKINETIC ATTEMPT TO PRODUCE NUMMIES

BILL GATES SEEN CRUNK AT RENTON 7-11, TOSSING PLASTIC LAWN CHAIRS AT PASSING CARS

SCIENTISTS URGENTLY WORKING TO CRACK GENETIC CODE FOR ANGELINA JOLIE

McCAIN UNVEILS PROPOSAL TO EXTEND DAYLIGHT NAPPING TIME

HILARIOUS JOKE ON GAS PRICES THWARTED BY SEX

STUDY: U.S. NOW A SAD, LONELY SUPERPOWER

ROBOT PORN SPREADS SEEN AT LOWE'S

FLEEING KARL ROVE LEADS COPS IN CHASE THROUGH TRI-COUNTY AREA, DEATH TOLL NEARING 27

NODDING SOLEMNLY, OBAMA QUIETLY APPROVES HIS OWN MEMORIAL DESIGN

ADORABLE KITTENS UNABLE TO UNDERSTAND SIMPLE DVR INSTRUCTIONS

BUSH CAUGHT IN LINCOLN BEDROOM TRYING TO APPROVE HIMSELF

JOHN MCCAIN FORCED TO DENY ADULTERY WITH GEORGIA WOMAN SPY DURING BATTLE OF ANTIETAM

DIESEL ROBOTS TO SAVE FUEL BY ARM-SHARING

UNIV. OF MICHIGAN SCIENTISTS ESTIMATE WASTED 147 MILLION U.S. MAN-HOURS EACH SUMMER CAUSED BY GIRLS STRETCHING

ADORABLE KITTENS FACE CHALLENGE WITHDRAWING FROM PAPER SACK

FACING POLAR MELTING, POLAR BEARS' INVESTMENT GROUP MAKES ATTEMPT TO PURCHASE CRUISE SHIP

BILL GATES RETIRING TO CATCH UP ON "BATTLESTAR GALACTICA"

NEW HONDA RUNS ON INEXPENSIVE MILK

SCIENTISTS: GOOGLING "GOOGLE" MAY DESTROY INTERNET

JOHN MCCAIN WASTES AFTERNOON LOOKING FOR HANDCRANK TO START BUS

ADORABLE KITTENS STRESS ADORABILITY

CONCERNS EXPRESSED AS HILLARY CLINTON NOW TOSSES BACK AVERAGE 15 SHOTS A DAY

ONION WRITERS' ATTEMPT TO SEND MOTHER'S DAY CARD HOBBLED BY IRONIC SUBTEXT

PFIZER RELEASES "BRANDUMAXOL", WHICH TREATS DEBILITATING ADDICTION TO PURCHASING DRUGS FROM GLAXXO-SMITH-KLEIN

PSYCHIATRIC SAVINGS MULTIPLY AS ROBOTS AUTOMATE JUNGIAN ANALYSIS

POPULAR BAND RESISTS SELLING OUT FOR FOUR DAYS

GHOST OF ORVILLE REDDENBACHER SPRINKLING BUTTER FLAVORING ON THE LIVING

SCIENTISTS: GOOGLING "GOOGLE" MAY DESTROY INTERNET

HOUSE SOLD FOR SONG: CELINE DION HIRED TO NOT SHUT UP UNTIL CLOSING

IN TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES OPINION, BY THE RULING JUNTA OF MYANMAR : "WE WILL FIGHT FOREIGN INTERFERENCE IN OUR PEOPLES' RIGHT TO DIE OF DYSENTERY"

JOHN MCCAIN FORCED TO DENY ADULTERY WITH GEORGIA WOMAN SPY DURING BATTLE OF ANTIETAM

DIESEL ROBOTS TO SAVE FUEL BY ARM-SHARING

BUSH CAUGHT IN LINCOLN BEDROOM TRYING TO APPROVE HIMSELF

UNIV. OF MICHIGAN SCIENTISTS ESTIMATE 147 MILLION U.S. MAN-HOURS WASTED EACH SUMMER BY WATCHING OF GIRLS STRETCHING

ADORABLE KITTENS FACE CHALLENGE WITHDRAWING FROM PAPER SACK

FACING MELTING, POLAR BEARS' LAWYER MAKES ATTEMPT TO PURCHASE CRUISE SHIP

BILL GATES RETIRING TO CATCH UP ON "BATTLESTAR GALACTICA"

MODEST PRICE ADVANTAGE AS NEW HONDA RUNS ON MILK

SCIENTISTS: GOOGLING "GOOGLE" MAY DESTROY INTERNET

IN TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES OPINION, BY THE WALL STREET : "IN THIS DIFFICULT CLIMATE, WHO WILL LOOK OUT FOR LARGE OIL COMPANIES?"

U.S. SUPREME COURT AWARDS ALASKAN OIL SPILL VICTIMS 10.2 BILLION IN EXXON-MOBIL "FUNBUCKS"

CLINTON TO OBAMA: EXCUSE ME, YOU'RE IN MY CHAIR

PERFORMANCE ARTIST SKATING EDGE WITH "WHY I OWE NO TAXES" INSTALLATION

PROBLEM-SOLVING ROBOTS HIT SNAG ON PROBLEM OF NEW PROBLEM CREATION

ALTERNATIVE ROCK MUSIC LOSES LEASE

GHOST OF ORVILLE REDDENBACHER SPRINKLING BUTTER FLAVORING ON THE LIVING

SCIENTISTS: GOOGLING "GOOGLE" MAY DESTROY INTERNET

A DRUNKEN ALAN GREENSPAN INSTIGATES, LOSES FISTFIGHT WITH TOLL BOOTH ATTENDANT

LOW-SELF ESTEEM ARCHITECT ADDS DECORATIVE PIT TO COMMISSIONED HOLE

DETAINEES PROTEST RADIOS WHICH ONLY BROADCAST PLEDGE DRIVES

IN TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES OPINION, BY GENERAL MUSHARAFF: "RETURNING DEMOCRACY WAS A BAD IDEA"

ECONOMY LOOKING FORWARD TO STIMULUS PACKAGE, CANDLELIT DINNER

DICK CHENEY EXPECTED TO EMERGE FROM HIBERNATION SUNDAY, HUNGRY AND IRRITABLE

STUDY: FURTHER STUDY WOULD JUST CONFUSE THINGS

FUNERAL OF MAN WITH 763 MYSPACE FRIENDS NETS 3 PALLBEARERS

GHOSTS IN GHOST CRUISE SHIP HAVE SOMEHOW GAINED WEIGHT

NEO-DRUID CASTS CURSE-SPELL ON RENT-TO-OWN FURNITURE MANAGER

ECONOMIST, BIOLOGIST, CLIMATOLOGIST ALL FAIL TO REASSURE EACH OTHER

LOW-SELF ESTEEM ARCHITECT DESIGNS WORLD'S MOST BEIGE BUILDING

GOOGLE PULLS OUT OF ILL-ADVISED ENTRY INTO PANCAKE BATTER MARKET

IN TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES OPINION, BY DICK MORRIS: "MY OPINION HAS BEEN CANCELED DUE TO AN OVERDRAFT"