EVOLUTIONARY ANTHROPOLOGISTS WORKING IN KENYA LOCATE 7-MILLION YEAR OLD APE-MAN SPECIMEN AND PRIMITIVE AM RADIO

EXHAUSTIVE UNIVERSITY OF OREGON- EUGENE STUDY REVEALS IT'S NOT ACTUALLY ALL GOOD

Concern Expressed as Toddler Makes Off With Idling Monster Truck and Heads Straight for Industrial Chicken Ranch

UTAH MAN, 52, FATHER OF 47, HUSBAND OF 12, DRAFTS ANGRY LETTER TO EDITOR OVER NEWSOME

As Public Scrutiny Wanes, Halliburton Floats Reworked Crashing Earth Into The Sun Plan

Pentagon Notes Qualitative if not Quantitative Improvement in Iraq Explosion Problem

BAD CLAMS WORKING THEIR WAY THROUGH STOCK-JOBBER MAY FORCE DUMPING OF 3 MILLION PFIZER SHARES

WHITE HOUSE SCRAMBLES TO STAUNCH OUTFLOW OF FACTS

Adorable Kittens Suitably Impressed by Fancy New Hot Wheels Track

Fermi Labs Report of Gravity Waves Retracted as Ranch Dressing Found in Particle Accelerator

Coast Guard Intercepts Grandmother on Seattle Ferry Running Celebrex to Bremerton

America, on Apple-Martini Binge, Keeps Insisting Everyone Likes Her

Tony Blair Holding Together With Aid of Duct Tape

FLOATING ALIEN BRAIN FROM NEBULAR-7 EMBARASSED AT BUSINESS DINNER AS MASTERCARD DECLINED

BARY BONDS DENIES BOTH MASSIVE STEROID USE AND RUMORS HE USED TO BE BARBARA BONDS