AT WHITE HOUSE, LAURA BUSH IS SHOCKED AS SHE WALKS IN ON GEORGE PRANCING IN FRONT OF FULL LENGTH MIRROR IN NAVY FLIGHTSUIT

NORAH JONES INDUSTRIAL AVERAGE SLIGHTLY DOWN BUT SOFTLY SWEET

DOCTORS: FASCISTIC ENZYME SECRETIONS SHOULD DECREASE AFTER CRITICAL ASHCROFT SURGERY

JOBS REPORT: IN 1st QUARTER, U.S. WILL ADD 1700 JOBS IN COMMERCIAL CARPET SHAMPOOING AND 3400 JOBS IN CUBICLE SECTION-WALL TRANSPORT & STORAGE

FEDERAL PRISON CELL REPAINTED EGGSHELL AND MAUVE

White House Pressure on Superman Results in Replacement Fortress of Solitude Contract Award to Halliburton

Floating Alien Brain From Nebular-7 Disputes Parking Citation, Arguing That It Merely Hovered Above Parking Space

At Sight of Passing Daddy-Long Legs and After Decades-Long Build-up of the Heebie-Jeebies, World-Renowned University of Michigan Entomologist Waves Hands in Air and Runs Screaming from the Room Like a Little Girl

Elite Commando Task Force 127 Hampered in Bin Laden Search on Afghan-Pakistan Border By Stale Poptarts, Persistent Athlete's Foot

In Many West Coast Cities, Gay Marriage is En Fuego!

Cleveland to Open National Museum of Sucking

Lazy, Overfed Seattle Squirrels Advised to Scamper at Least 30 Minutes Per Day

Contradicting Some Recent DNA Studies, Mick Jagger Weighs in On "Out-of-Africa" Anthro Debate by Relating His Story of Sleeping with "the Sexier" Neanderthals

TED KENNEDY CALLS FOR AN END TO "THE WHIFFLE PRESIDENCY"

Rumsfeld Still Striking Points With Hilarious Condi Rice Impersonation

Young Iraqi Man of 17 Dreams of Living In America, Where He Looks Forward to Voting For the First Time Against that Doofus Asswipe George W. Bush

PLANKTON TERRORISTS STRIKE JUNEAU SALMON HATCHERY

Adorable Kittens Make a Break for the Hole in Fence But Are Turned Back With Fond Memories of Bowl of Milk

Analog Clocks Roundly Criticized

Local Customers React to New Kabul Starbucks: At Three Month's Salary, The Triple Orange Mocha is "Sinfully Delicious"

Seattle Artist Calls Press Conference to Condemn Fremont Coffee House's Bourgeoisy Remodel

US Coast Guard 1500-Ton Armed Cutter Resolute Intercepts Boat in Puget Sound and Then Makes the Captain Dump Out His Bud Light

GLACIERS' ATTORNEYS STRONGLY CONDEMN GLOBAL WARMING INACTION

BANK OF AMERICA MOVES TO ACQUIRE MAJORITY CONTROL OF TRINA HAMPTON, 23, OF PAXTON, INDIANA

ASHLEY PHONES POLICE AS ELDERY HUNTER ENTERS ABERCROMBIE AND FITCH TO ASK ABOUT DUCK BOOTS AND GAME BAGS

Donald Trump Seeks Out Company Crotch Vacuum