BREAKING NEWS: OUR REPORTER BILL THOMPSON IS OUTSIDE IN THE RAIN IN FRONT OF POLICE HEADQUARTERS OVER-ANTICIPATING BREAKING NEWS

Reading, CA HMO Recalls Local Vasquez, Silverton Families

AP(Vienna): Reuters Correspondent in Austria is So Lazy She's on the Verge of Making It All Up

Mortally Endangered "Right" Whales Change Name to "Get the Hell Away From Me Whales"

Reuters (Vienna): AP Correspondent in Austria is Too Emotionally Immature to Move On With His Life

CONDI RICE APPEARS AT PS 132 8TH GRADE CIVICS CLASS, MURRAY'S SAV-U-MORE DISCOUNT AUTO PARTS, THE RURAL PENNSYLVANIA SPAY AND NEUTER SOCIETY, THE BELLINGHAM, WA WOODEN BOAT SHOW, AND THE WASAU COUNTY SWEET ADELINES EXPLAINING WHY SHE DIDN'T SHOW UP TO THE 9/11 COMMISSION

GDP Soars as Fred Meyer Grocery Clerk Replaced by $132,000 Auto-Checker

Man Pulls Crumpled Old Receipt From Pocket to Reminisce About Plyers, Masking Tape and Misc/Snacks Shopping

Coming Up on Headlines: Grape Nuts- Healthy Breakfast Cereal or Crunchy Gateway to Sexual Depravity?