ASTRONOMERS EXAMINE FURTHER SPECTOGRAPHIC DATA ON SEDNA, NEW PLANETOID IN FAR REACHES OF SOLAR SYSTEM - REPORT VANILLA ICE

NASCAR RACE ENTERS 20,000th MILE AND THIRD WEEK AS SOMEONE LOSES CHECKERED FLAG

BLING TREND BEEN BLUNG

Diabolical Plot Foiled by Expired Phone Card

Agricultural Department Revises Cheetos Crop Estimate Downward

Bush Relaxing Behind Closed Doors in Crawford Reverts Back to Thick Boston Accent, Russian Service and Dressing Basically Like Mr. Peanut

Deadline for Peace Expires As Adorable Kittens Reposition to Attack Drapes

Coming Up on Headlines: Will Your Wake-Up Weather Include A Plague of Frogs From a Vengeful God?