BREAKING NEWS: CONDI RICE HAS NOW AGREED TO LIE TO THE 9/11 COMMISSION

IDITAROD CELEBRATES ANNIVERSARY WITH RITUAL SPLASHING OF DIPTHERIA

University of Michigan Study: Anthro Team ID's Key Human Evolutionary Gene for Poking Things With a Stick

Cost-Cutting At Pentagon Will Remove One Wall To Become Parallelogram

Minister Feels Compelled to Suck Up to Gibson

Tyco Juror Signals Defense: Check Cleared

Techo Monk: 'Let the Screens Fall From Your Eyes'

Adorable Kittens Unable to Sign for Fed Ex Package But Do Mew Extensively For Several Minutes

Giant Pacific Octopus takes Fifth in Vancouver Curling Championship

Dingbats Soft on LaRouche

Coming Up on Headlines: Is the Friendly Neighborhood Funeral Home Adequately Burying Your Undead?

BUSH NEGOTIATING POST-PRESIDENCY POSITION IN COMMUNITY RELATIONS FOR WAL MART

BREAKING NEWS: OUR REPORTER BILL THOMPSON IS OUTSIDE IN THE RAIN IN FRONT OF POLICE HEADQUARTERS OVER-ANTICIPATING BREAKING NEWS

Reading, CA HMO Recalls Local Vasquez, Silverton Families

AP(Vienna): Reuters Correspondent in Austria is So Lazy She's on the Verge of Making It All Up

Mortally Endangered "Right" Whales Change Name to "Get the Hell Away From Me Whales"

Reuters (Vienna): AP Correspondent in Austria is Too Emotionally Immature to Move On With His Life

CONDI RICE APPEARS AT PS 132 8TH GRADE CIVICS CLASS, MURRAY'S SAV-U-MORE DISCOUNT AUTO PARTS, THE RURAL PENNSYLVANIA SPAY AND NEUTER SOCIETY, THE BELLINGHAM, WA WOODEN BOAT SHOW, AND THE WASAU COUNTY SWEET ADELINES EXPLAINING WHY SHE DIDN'T SHOW UP TO THE 9/11 COMMISSION

GDP Soars as Fred Meyer Grocery Clerk Replaced by $132,000 Auto-Checker

Man Pulls Crumpled Old Receipt From Pocket to Reminisce About Plyers, Masking Tape and Misc/Snacks Shopping

Coming Up on Headlines: Grape Nuts- Healthy Breakfast Cereal or Crunchy Gateway to Sexual Depravity?

ACTIONABLE INTELLIGENCE THWARTED BY KINETIC STUPIDITY

DOW PLUMMETS ON REPORTS OF PENDING REPORTS

Jobs Picture Great For Lazy

Held at Gunpoint and Beaten, Anime Artist Still Refuses to Draw Nose Properly

Alright, Say We Admit that Our New Convention Center is a Deluded Chamber of Commerce Pipe Dream

Countering Kerry's Snowboarding, Dick Cheney Displays Wicked Sick Skateboard Skills

BREAKING NEWS: Dude Drops Plate

Threatened with Lap Removal, Adorable Kittens Engage Full-On Turbo-Purr

The Alarmingly, Painfully Slow Begin to Question Bush Credibility

These Brittle, Depressing Korean Crayons Tell Me This Toy Store is Doomed

Tacoma Man Suddenly Bolts from Checkout Line At the Instant He Realizes He's About to get 4 cents in Change

Coming Up on Headlines: Are You Putting Your Family At Risk With Your Random, Drunken Automatic Weapons Fire?

LOBSTER SOUP BLOWN UP BY BISQUE SEPARATISTS

FINNS SURPRISED AS ISRAEL TAKES OUT HELSINKI

Iraqi Food Craze Invades Santa Cruz

National Spelling Bee Runner-Up Reflects on a Wasted Young Life

Arab Scientists Develop Mini-Bar Seeking Missile

BREAKING NEWS: STOP AND GO CHASE THROUGH L.A. SUBURBS MAY INVOLVE ICE CREAM TRUCK

New Species of Micro-Deer Identified Minutes Before Being Run Over By Backhoe

University of Michigan Study: Whitney Biennial Contemporary Art Exhibition will Open to Mixed Reviews Through 2048

U.S. Companies Step Up Insourcing of Corporate Minions, Toadies, Tools, Flacks, Hacks, Goons, Weasels, Asswipes, Chowderheads, Numbnuts and Crotch Vacuums

Coming Up on Headlines: Find Out if A Vicious Attacker Has Slipped Between the Cushions of Your Couch

ASTRONOMERS EXAMINE FURTHER SPECTOGRAPHIC DATA ON SEDNA, NEW PLANETOID IN FAR REACHES OF SOLAR SYSTEM - REPORT VANILLA ICE

NASCAR RACE ENTERS 20,000th MILE AND THIRD WEEK AS SOMEONE LOSES CHECKERED FLAG

BLING TREND BEEN BLUNG

Diabolical Plot Foiled by Expired Phone Card

Agricultural Department Revises Cheetos Crop Estimate Downward

Bush Relaxing Behind Closed Doors in Crawford Reverts Back to Thick Boston Accent, Russian Service and Dressing Basically Like Mr. Peanut

Deadline for Peace Expires As Adorable Kittens Reposition to Attack Drapes

Coming Up on Headlines: Will Your Wake-Up Weather Include A Plague of Frogs From a Vengeful God?

BREAKING NEWS:COURTNEY LOVE BATTING AIRCRAFT FROM SKY

WHITE HOUSE PRESS ROOM PLUMBING BREAK HAS SCOTT MCCLELLAN LYING IN WATER

TRAILER MANSION ADDS CHIPBOARD STABLE HOUSE

Shelving Display Bores Children Into ICU

Orangutan Coroner Pronounces Houston Gorilla Shooting 'Murder'

Manganese Trade Council In Bitter Dispute Over New "Manganese, PLEASE!" Jingle

Narcoleptic Furniture Salesman Awake 18 Minutes Since 1997

GI JOE: "We Small Plastic Toys Were Also Misled About Iraq"

"Snakes" the Weiner Dog Choosen Afghan Opium Trade Mascot

Coming Up On Headlines: A Coke Deal Gone Bad or An Unfortunate Misunderstanding? Why The Police May Arrest Your Parents

PAKISTAN CLOSING IN ON PAKISTAN

REPUTED WEIRDO AT HOME DEPOT DEMANDS ROCQUEFORT CHEESE CONSTRUCTION FOAM

Potato Farmer Hits Atkins Headquarters With Spud Gun

Asked by Daughter to Explain Choice of Blackberry Jam on Toast, Tony Blair Snaps

Married Gay Couple Stopped Cold By 10-40 Form Checkbox

RUMORS OF POST-ELECTION U.S. WAR CATCHES NORTH KOREAN PRESS REPORTS WITH INVECTIVE EXHAUSTION: "VILE DESPICABLE U.S. CAPITALIST WAR DOGS" TO BECOME "ESPECIALLY PARTICULARLY VILE DESPICABLE U.S. CAPITALIST WAR DOGS"

Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Slap "Pussy Wagon" Sticker on Lexus Bumper

Vicious Former Taliban Pulled From Hole with Copy of Maxim Featuring Carmen Electra, and Baseball Cap with Two Beer Holders and Straw

Adorable Kittens to Explore Grocery Bag

BREAKING NEWS: Bin Laden Still Out Hiking

Congolese Child Soldier Receives Box of Maple Syrup

Corrupt, Prevaricating Right-Wing Government Distressed as Spanish Voters Cave in to Terrorists By Voting Out Corrupt, Prevaricating Right-Wing Government

ANCHORAGE MAYOR TO SOLVE KEY INTERSECTION'S INTRACTABLE TRAFFIC PROBLEM: EXPLOIT QUANTUM PRINCIPLES TO ALLOW SUVS TO OCCUPY MULTIPLE LOCATIONS AT THE SAME MOMENT

SF MAYOR NEWSOME PLAN WILL PERMIT LIMITED PRIMATE/UNGULATE CIVIL UNION RECOGNITION

DRAWING FEATURED ON SITCOM SUPPOSED TO REPRESENT CHARACTER'S ARTISTIC TALENT INEXHAUSTABLY MEDIOCRE

HOT GIRL FROG IN HOP-HOP VID SHAKES AMPHIBIBOOTY

An Estimated 437,531 Nationwide Suffered Avoidable Ketchup Insufficiency At America's Drive-Thru Windows During First Qtr.

FELLED BY AN INCREASINGLY DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO AVOID INSTITUTING TAXES, ALASKA GOV MURKOWSKI NABBED AT MEXICAN BORDER WITH 200 KILOS OF COKE

TODDLER RESISTS BRUTAL COMMODIFICATION OF HUMAN EXPERIENCE BY TOSSING BEARER BOND IN TOIDY

Adorable Kittens Use Claws to Chase Each Other Up Large Reubens

FT. WAYNE INSURANCE AGENT FRUSTRATED BY LACK OF OPPORTUNITY TO SHOW OFF EXCEPTIONAL SPELLING SKILLS

Office Max Stocker who Deliberately Put Red Sharpie Packages On Black Sharpie Pegs Told "You Have Signed Your Own Death Warrant"

AILING MALL REMODELED TOO LATE

PRANK DELIVERING 200 PIZZAS TO KIM JONG IL RESULTS IN IMPRISONMENT OF 14, EXECUTION OF DELIVERY BOY, DESTABILIZATION OF RELATIONS WITH SOUTH, AND WASTE OF NORTH KOREA'S ENTIRE SUPPLY OF OREGANO

BILLIONAIRE RECEIVES $250 Mn TAX BENEFIT AND INSTANTLY HIRES THOUSANDS OF AMERICANS AT GOOD WAGES

IN FURTIVE COMPETITIVE STEP, PORK TO BE CHICKEN-FLAVORED

BUSH UP TILL 2AM TUNING RIDING MOWER

It's Pretty Clear from too Many Hanging Vinyl Bud-Light Special Signs That This Bar is in Serious Financial Trouble

Bush Reported Sobbing at "Nation Builders Anonymous" Meeting

Glass Installation Business Employees Getting Stoned

As Polls Slide, Professional Evil Genius Organization Yanks Rove's Credentials

EAT KETCHUP FOR DEMOCRACY

NADER: 'EVERYONE IS STUPID'

BOEING PROFIT PRESSURE EXAMINED AS NEW JAPANESE 7E7 WINGS APPEAR TO BE MADE OF DOPED FABRIC

Georgia National Guardsman Stuck for 8th Month in Mosul Reflects that Welding Tech Class at Community College Might Not Have Been Such a Bad Choice

Elementary School Teacher Derides 4th Grader's Stained Glass Homer Simpson as Derivative

One People Fair Trade Coffee Muscles in On Holistic Earth Organic Java Biz

View of Attractive Woman Walking Down Street Blocked By Chrome Milk Truck

Boise Man Gives Up Trying to Compete with Viggo Mortensen

Floating Brain From Nebular-7 Should've Used Neuron-o-Fax to Ring Pals Up for Indian Food Buffet

Woman Waiting For Bus Both Glad It's Here and Strangely Irritated at Getting On

CHUMPS RALLY TO SQUASH DWEEBS, 8-2.

Mob Assassin Embarassed While Driving to Hit with Target in Back as Bjork Starts Up on Mercedes CD

Secret Plan of Super Wealthy Saudi Relgious Fascists to Randomly Favor Center-Left Socialist Spanish Government Succeeds

OHIO COLLEGE STUDENT ON PACKAGE VACATION IN DOMINICAN REPUBLIC BECOMING VAGUELY CURIOUS ABOUT THE NEAR ABSENCE OF BLACK PEOPLE

Salem PTA Cupcake 3-Day Bake-Off Fills $162 Mn Hole in OR State Education Budget

New York Times Receives Ominous "You've Been Ignoring Us" Letter From Disgruntled Submarine-Based Ballistic Missles

UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN STUDY: UNDER INTENSE PRESSURE OF MODERN LIFE, CLAMS REPORT STRESS AND PERIODIC DEPRESSION

DELICATE SCENT OF CHERRY BLOSSOMS, TRADITIONAL JAPANESE METAPHOR FOR THE BEAUTY AND TRANSITORY NATURE OF BEING, PISSING OFF KARL ROVE

ORNERY SEATTLE CROWS HAVE BEEN DRINKING TOO MUCH COFFEE

ROBOT SCIENTISTS BLAME TOTAL FAILURE OF ROBOT CAR DESERT RACE ON INFERIOR HUMAN INTELLECTS

NEW COFFEE CHAIN, AHAB'S, DRIVING STARBUCK'S CRAZY WITH OBSESSIVENESS AND CONSTANT TESTING OF LOYALTY

University of Michigan Psychology Study: Laundromat Experiences, Aesthetics Remind Patrons of the Inevitability of Death

Adorable Kittens Secure Ideal Redoubt in Open Sock Drawer

PRIMAL SHRUG THERAPIST INDICTED IN MASSIVE INDIFFERENCE SCAM

No End For 90 Year Strike: Disenchanted Birds Will Continue Nationwide Airport Runway Picketing

"OVER-RUSHED" HALT ON UCLA CADAVER PARTS SALES CRITICIZED BY AMERICANS FOR SENSIBLE MEAT ALTERNATIVES

BALSAMIC VINEGAR, MUSLIN AND GLUE GUN SHIPMENTS TO NEW YORK FEDERAL PRISON INCREASE

Adorable Kittens Eschew Garbage Can Tipping Culpability

University of Michigan Study: 96% of U.S. Chicken Feed Ends Up as Chicken Shit

KERRY DEFEATS THE LATE PAUL TSONGAS, STILL ON THE DEMOCRATIC BALLOT IN TEXAS

Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Glue all the Teak Lumber at Home Depot Together

Tadpole Advocacy Groups Demand Separate Juvenile Detention Ponds

American Communist Party Reports 27% Bump in Bush Era Membership

Little Girl's Daydream of Cute Bunnies Complicated by Unexplained Encroachment of Inebriated Mayor McCheese

AT WHITE HOUSE, LAURA BUSH IS SHOCKED AS SHE WALKS IN ON GEORGE PRANCING IN FRONT OF FULL LENGTH MIRROR IN NAVY FLIGHTSUIT

NORAH JONES INDUSTRIAL AVERAGE SLIGHTLY DOWN BUT SOFTLY SWEET

DOCTORS: FASCISTIC ENZYME SECRETIONS SHOULD DECREASE AFTER CRITICAL ASHCROFT SURGERY

JOBS REPORT: IN 1st QUARTER, U.S. WILL ADD 1700 JOBS IN COMMERCIAL CARPET SHAMPOOING AND 3400 JOBS IN CUBICLE SECTION-WALL TRANSPORT & STORAGE

FEDERAL PRISON CELL REPAINTED EGGSHELL AND MAUVE

White House Pressure on Superman Results in Replacement Fortress of Solitude Contract Award to Halliburton

Floating Alien Brain From Nebular-7 Disputes Parking Citation, Arguing That It Merely Hovered Above Parking Space

At Sight of Passing Daddy-Long Legs and After Decades-Long Build-up of the Heebie-Jeebies, World-Renowned University of Michigan Entomologist Waves Hands in Air and Runs Screaming from the Room Like a Little Girl

Elite Commando Task Force 127 Hampered in Bin Laden Search on Afghan-Pakistan Border By Stale Poptarts, Persistent Athlete's Foot

In Many West Coast Cities, Gay Marriage is En Fuego!

Cleveland to Open National Museum of Sucking

Lazy, Overfed Seattle Squirrels Advised to Scamper at Least 30 Minutes Per Day

Contradicting Some Recent DNA Studies, Mick Jagger Weighs in On "Out-of-Africa" Anthro Debate by Relating His Story of Sleeping with "the Sexier" Neanderthals

TED KENNEDY CALLS FOR AN END TO "THE WHIFFLE PRESIDENCY"

Rumsfeld Still Striking Points With Hilarious Condi Rice Impersonation

Young Iraqi Man of 17 Dreams of Living In America, Where He Looks Forward to Voting For the First Time Against that Doofus Asswipe George W. Bush

PLANKTON TERRORISTS STRIKE JUNEAU SALMON HATCHERY

Adorable Kittens Make a Break for the Hole in Fence But Are Turned Back With Fond Memories of Bowl of Milk

Analog Clocks Roundly Criticized

Local Customers React to New Kabul Starbucks: At Three Month's Salary, The Triple Orange Mocha is "Sinfully Delicious"

Seattle Artist Calls Press Conference to Condemn Fremont Coffee House's Bourgeoisy Remodel

US Coast Guard 1500-Ton Armed Cutter Resolute Intercepts Boat in Puget Sound and Then Makes the Captain Dump Out His Bud Light

GLACIERS' ATTORNEYS STRONGLY CONDEMN GLOBAL WARMING INACTION

BANK OF AMERICA MOVES TO ACQUIRE MAJORITY CONTROL OF TRINA HAMPTON, 23, OF PAXTON, INDIANA

ASHLEY PHONES POLICE AS ELDERY HUNTER ENTERS ABERCROMBIE AND FITCH TO ASK ABOUT DUCK BOOTS AND GAME BAGS

Donald Trump Seeks Out Company Crotch Vacuum

EVOLUTIONARY ANTHROPOLOGISTS WORKING IN KENYA LOCATE 7-MILLION YEAR OLD APE-MAN SPECIMEN AND PRIMITIVE AM RADIO

EXHAUSTIVE UNIVERSITY OF OREGON- EUGENE STUDY REVEALS IT'S NOT ACTUALLY ALL GOOD

Concern Expressed as Toddler Makes Off With Idling Monster Truck and Heads Straight for Industrial Chicken Ranch

UTAH MAN, 52, FATHER OF 47, HUSBAND OF 12, DRAFTS ANGRY LETTER TO EDITOR OVER NEWSOME

As Public Scrutiny Wanes, Halliburton Floats Reworked Crashing Earth Into The Sun Plan

Pentagon Notes Qualitative if not Quantitative Improvement in Iraq Explosion Problem

BAD CLAMS WORKING THEIR WAY THROUGH STOCK-JOBBER MAY FORCE DUMPING OF 3 MILLION PFIZER SHARES

WHITE HOUSE SCRAMBLES TO STAUNCH OUTFLOW OF FACTS

Adorable Kittens Suitably Impressed by Fancy New Hot Wheels Track

Fermi Labs Report of Gravity Waves Retracted as Ranch Dressing Found in Particle Accelerator

Coast Guard Intercepts Grandmother on Seattle Ferry Running Celebrex to Bremerton

America, on Apple-Martini Binge, Keeps Insisting Everyone Likes Her

Tony Blair Holding Together With Aid of Duct Tape

FLOATING ALIEN BRAIN FROM NEBULAR-7 EMBARASSED AT BUSINESS DINNER AS MASTERCARD DECLINED

BARY BONDS DENIES BOTH MASSIVE STEROID USE AND RUMORS HE USED TO BE BARBARA BONDS

FLOATING ALIEN BRAIN FROM NEBULAR-7 PRESSES HOTEL CLERK FOR MORE APPROPRIATE SKIN MOISTURIZER

MICHAEL EISNER HEADED FOR THE HAPPIEST DUMPSTER ON EARTH

ZONING VARIANCE MAY UPSET SENIOR CITIZEN

MICROSOFT TO PROVIDE TOTAL OFFICE SOLUTIONS FOR WHICH THERE ARE NO ACTUAL OFFICE PROBLEMS

US AGREES TO "TRADING GOVERNMENTS" REALITY SHOW

UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN ASTROPHYSICS ADVANCED STRING THEORY RESEARCH PROGRAM HAMPERED BY GRANNY KNOT POSTULATE

SUPERCARRIER USS CARL VINSON DEPLOYED TO INTIMIDATE BELGIUM

BUSH CRITICIZED FOR USING 9/11 IMAGES FOR CAMPAIGN, COLA ENDORSEMENTS AND TIME-SHARE CONDO SALES

TABLE SAW EMPLOYED TO MAKE WOOD SMALLER

UC BERKELEY EFFORT WILL "SUCK CAFFEINE OUT OF EARTH" TO PREVENT EARTHQUAKES CAUSED BY CALIFORNIANS' CARELESS DUMPING OF COFFEE ON GROUND

ANN COULTER ENDORSES GILLETTE 4-TRACK

Adorable Kittens A Bit Grumpy as Rain Continues: Keep Taunting the Goldfish

Herd of Rampaging Elephants Calmed by Arrival of Discount Coupon Packet

Nobel Physicist Retracts Claims of Afro-Matter

BOEING TO MANUFACTURE ITS OWN ROBOT PENTAGON CONTRACTORS

Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Leave 4 Socialist Pamphlets at Redmond Tully's

A Moose Wanders Into a Hydrangea Garden and Enjoys a Brief Respite from the Unrelenting Stress of Today's Taiga Bog

PUTIN LEAVES NUKE KEYS IN OTHER PANTS

THE FOUR HORSEMEN OF THE PARKING LAPSE

an EPIC POEM pleading for parking mercy (soon to be sent to the Seattle, WA Magistrate)

Sharp! the eye and full the heart of duty
That clapp'd to my Honda the chastisement of
Parking potentates
Ere the sun reached his zenith
Tho I wept not-
(Cruelly but fair go to the eagle
His honest spoils
So that a man may park ever
in this County of Kings)

But 'twas in the gloaming twilight
Fell my burden,
hard and hoary and merciless

Late for the film and mind fogged by a lady waiting,
Still I pored line by each of the two signs
Looming above my prized new space.
I bored my eyes into the words as if
They were the lost final stanzas of
A great nation's poem,
My perception honed by the
Morn's harsh experience.
I read the lines as if they were
Marks of a grizzly in cold country,
And the perpetuation of my wretched life
My only reward.

Now at seeing, I fancy I am no slack-jawed
Stock-Jobber. I teach painting,
The Art of Seeing
Where I am rapt by beauty
And scornful of careless looking

Yet bootless was this preparation!

Cruel hard then did it fall,
When we returned,
Jagged and weighty
An avalanche of broken rock!
Tagged we were again in
the sheriff's wrath
Tagged by the penetrating fingers
of civic justice
Tagged as scofflaw, fiend and outcast
Tagged Again!

For there above the two signs
From which I gleaned all possible meaning
There stood in dark leaves and grey branches
Two more! Two More risen into
The Trees like squirrel attorneys,
powerful, disappeared, chattering.

Four signs! Four (Twas two e'en now!)
Who may rest here when this
Folio of No Standing teeters high in the
Deep forest like "Moby Dick"
Stuck atop a trolling rod?

Four signs! Scripted they were in
Colloquial Aramaic or Pidgin Latvian -
(Twas no penetrable language)
- Four signs coiling to spring a bear trap
from the high trees
Four signs to redouble my
outlawry and humiliation
Four signs and a fine to snatch
from my mouth a month of morning bagels

Four signs, say I,
Four Horsemen of the Parking Lapse

I. who all that day, mindful
Anew of vehicular obligation,
Strain'd my eyes and sweated my navigation
To park with honor and humble respect,
Ask your beneficence, ask you to reduce this
Many-stack'd misfortune to $20
(And perception quickened)

And for the Four Signs Yet Lurking
Darkly above this parking pit of tar,
Twice Scilla and Charybdis in hazzard and horror,
I beg that comes a month
One Sign speaks alone:

"Park Here, Nevermore"

IN ACCORDANCE WITH SECRET PLAN, HOLLYWOOD OSCAR NIGHT GALA DESTROYS FAMILY, CAPITALISM

Michael Eisner Knifed in Alley by Giant Rodent

Peter Jackson Very Nearly Buttons Collar

University Computer Lab Users Indistinguishable in Behavior From Canned Green Peas Inspectors

Robot Receptionist Held Back From Promotion Due to Blow Job Disability

Gregarious Paris Shares Nefarious Ferret

Adorable Kittens Get Paper Cups Stuck on Head

Eskimo Pies Splattered as Explosion in Gaza Strip Caused By Ice Cream Truck Compressor Malfunction

George W. Bush Urged Not to Drive Car With Ass Muscles

Even in Librarian Glasses, Liv Tyler One Sexy Fucking Elf

For Committed Delegates, John Edwards Offering to Knock $1500 off New Kias

University of Michigan Study: Strong Correlation Between Movie Quality and Geographical Distance from Los Angeles