PENTAGON: REAL NORTH KOREAN MISSLE WOULD HAVE BECOME DISHEARTENED BY DAZZLING ANTI-MISSILE TECHNOLOGY AND CRASHED HARMLESSLY INTO THE NORTH PACIFIC

Bellevue Bakery Offers "Choco-Late Christmas Shopping" In Desperate Bid to Pay of $613K in Mob Gambling Debts

RUMSFELD RELENTLESS IN LOBBYING OSCAR COMMITTEE ON BEHALF OF JENNIFER LOPEZ IN "GIGLI"

ULTRA-DEEP OFFSHORE OIL RIG BREAKS THROUGH TO AUSTRALIAN FRENCH FRY VAT

COMPANY PULLS BULGING, THROBBING, SWEATY PRECIOUS MOMENTS CHARACTER

Giant Floating Brain from Nebular-7 Gets that Not-So-Fresh Hippocampus Feeling

Zombie Sinatra Smacks Around Some Ghost Punk Who Thinks He's Somebody's Ghost

Several Caramelized as Explosion in Milky Way Factory Rains Nougat on Hundreds

Adorable Kittens Perceive Weakness of Puppy, Pounce

Coming Up on Headlines Weather: Is Your House Asteroid Blast-Proofed?

Donald Rumsfeld Continues to Insist that 'Star Wars: The Phantom Menace' Is Clearly The Best of the Entire 'Star Wars' Series

Richard the Third Offers Kingdom for Appropriate Ink Jet Cartridge

Panel of Conservative Economists Agree that the Economy is Best Stimulated By Massive Federal Tax Cuts and Transfer Payments to Conservative Economists

Government Animal Survey Predicts Adorable Kittens Will Snuggle

Secular Jewish Family's Christmas Ham Tradition Subjected to In-Law Scrutiny

Cute French Bulldog Exasperated By American Diplomatic Intransigence

University of Michigan Study of Laptop Computers: Dangerous For Men and Their Testicles, But Appropriate For Women and Even Pleasureable, With Simple Attachments

Blue State on Red Alert

EPA Proposes Outlawing Endangered Species

Teen Fails to Approximate Sexual Experience With Couch Pillow

Manageable Goals Revoltionaries Let Air out of Extended Cab Pickup's Tires

Today's AlarmingHeadlines Weather Forecast: Magma-y

Missile Defense System Failure Dismissed; Pentagon Expects 52% of Actual Nuclear Missiles to Be Stopped Before Each Obliterates 10 U.S. Cities

Bush Also Expects to Receive Bonus Cities

Billions of Gallons of Dried Paint Worldwide Awaits Sanding

Superman Pre-Approved

George Lucas Planning to Screw Up "King Lear II"

(Miami) Yacht Builders Vahst and Whyte Charge a Little
Extra at Christmas to Provide Yachts to the Underprivileged

WRECKED ALASKA SOYBEAN SHIP RISKS HOLD TURNING INTO 40,000 TON TOFU BINS - BOCA BURGER COMPANY LAYS SALVAGE CLAIM

Scuttled Homeland Security Nominee Also Owed $154,000 Fines on Overdue Romance Novels Left at the Murder Scene of His Twin Bisexual Irani-Mexican Lovers

Adorable Kittens Lay Out Rights to Comfy Sweater Box

Instead of Trashy Show of Obscene Inaugural Excess, Adminstration Will Give $40 Million to Free Turkeys for Monaco Fund

Shell Gas Station Attendant Planning Revenge

Nantucket Atkins Dieters Demand Historical Whaling Privileges

Climatologists Concerned As Halliburton Subsidiary Quietly Begins Early Planning for Club Med Nunavat

Former Wimp Convicted of Vicious Redondo Beach Assault on Sand Kicker

Holiday Argument Not So Much Settled as Drowned with Pie

Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Form Moustache Graffiti
Direct Action Network

Coming Up on Headlines: G.M. Reports on Why Letting Your Children Walk Anywhere is Dangerous and Makes You a Bad Parent

Elementary School Contemporary Art Project
Recontextualizes Unpopular 3rd Grader

Best Buy Complete Home Entertainment System Customer Suddenly Struck By Intense, Generalized Loathing

Angry Tacoma Potato, Accused of Comestic Violence, Shot By Cops in Eye

Adminstration Vows to Build "Arsenal of Incredulity"

Grandmother Confused By Reports That Scott Petersen Is Sentenced to Death by Weasel Injection

Mike Holgren Reportedly Able to Cook White Rice in Less Than Five Minutes Just By Swallowing It

Unhappy Lumberjack Recalls Childhood Beating With 130 Foot White Spruce, Leaving Permanent Spars

Golf Channel Even Boring People Watching Adjacent Channels

Iraqi Teenager Won Over to Freedom By Slightly Ironic Old Navy Ad

Pledge Drive Running Out of Ways to Kiss Up to Seniors, Promises to Have Charlie Rose Personally Kick Children off Lawn

Anna Nicole Smith Awarded Medal of Questionable Use of Freedom

Brilliant Visual Trick Wasted and Forgotten on Phone Commercial

Boiling Outrage Over Neighborhood Speeding May Spark Letter To Editor

That 9th Shot of Tequila To Result in Child Support

As Sun Sets On Congo Can Conglomorate, Robots Rejoice in Reykjavik

Coming Up on Slapstick Headlines: Why Your Family and Their Heads are At Increased Risk From Open Cupboard Doors

Dr. Phil: U.S. Becoming Hated Deliberately To Avoid The Responsibilities of Love


Catastrophic Malaysian Ship's Cook Caserole Recipe Typo Reported: "Soak 23,000 Metric Tons of Soybeans in Salt Water"

Extra Diebold Voting Machines Converted to ATMS; Rural Ohio on Crazed Shopping Spree

Brazillian Hybrid Car is Unique Electric-Llama Power

Official UK Government Inquiry to White House Requests Instructions on Best Type of Toilet Tissue to Use

Adorable Kittens Angry About New Non-Kitten Specific Cat Food

Love Triangle Scandal Rocks Tukwila Best Buy

Egg Salad Nominal

TV Tonight: Fictionalized Graphic Details of Autopsy Will Strangely Cleanse Mind of Inevitability of Death

EPA Backs Social Darwinism

Coming Up on Headlines: Why Interstate 90 is So Gay

Alaska Cargo Ship Disaster Captain Had Accidently Swapped Aleutian Islands Chart With 'Family Circus' Cartoon

GUILTY! SCOTT PETERSON TO FACE DEATH FOR HOGGING NATION'S VALUABLE NEWS TIME

Left Plugged In for Last 6 Weeks, A Diebold Voting Machine Pushes Wisconsin Bush Margin to 535 Million

Fired Assistant Suggests That Stone Cold Bitch Took It All Wrong

SANTA DROPS THE COAL BOMB

CO-PILOT'S ACHINGLY DULL STORY OF REPEATED WINNEBAGO REPAIRS AT MONTANA R.V. DEALERSHIP BEGINING TO ENDANGER FLIGHT 71

Greedly Stripper Falsely Insinuates Future Relationship

BRIGAND PIRATE "CAPTAIN BLOOD" CAPTURES TWINS, JULIA ROBERTS' HEART

FORMER NAZI CAMP GUARD FORCED TO LEAVE AMERICA, WITHDRAW AS HOMELAND SECURITY SECRETARY APPOINTEE

CANADIAN FORCES TAKE BELLINGHAM WITH MINIMAL RESISTANCE

TV Tonight: Mild Eccentrics To Trade Barbed Yet Loving Insults

Adorable Kittens Forced to Lick Embarassing Places in Public

Coming Up on Headlines: Laptop Overheating of Testicles Causing Births of Unholy Antler People

RUMSFELD STARES MANY HOURS AT ROMA TOMATO

Scientists Hope Decoding of Chicken Genome Will Lead to Cure for Lime Marinade

Craft Store Chain Says Ineffable Atmosphere of Emptyness and Inevitable Death Part of Original Business Model Drafted by Jean Paul Sartre

Grocery Shopper Creeped Out By Shopping Cart Handle Cooties

Seahawks Receiver Drops Bus Pass

Michael Jackson Denies Having Career in Music as Black Man

Retail Giant Notes Uptick in Jackboot Polish

Adorable Kittens Trip the Light Fantastic, In this Instance Leaping from the Scratching Post Directly to the Drapes

Feeling Too Cheerful? Discuss the Future With A Drunk Biologist

Warm Torrential Weather, Heavy Flooding Explained Over Green Tea As Meterologically Expressed Erotic Symbolism

On TV Tonight: "Celebri-Wannabes" Are To Be Disappointed By The True Nature of Being

Proposed Freeway Project Abandoned After Divorce

Benevolent Market Forces Reward Girl, 10, With Additional Stick of Gum in Packet of Gum for the Same Price

Managable Goals Revolutionaries Leave Out Bush Voters From Flyers for Excellent Party

Coming Up on Headlines: Why Your Family Resents Your Very Modest Success

Captain Waits For Clear Sign of Trouble Before Bothering Coast Guard


DOCTORS HAD PUZZLED OVER HOW TO KEEP JAMES BROWN QUIET DURING PROSTATE EXAM

Giant Sea Lozenge Terrorizes Esophagus Islands

Desperate Attempt by Doctors to Treat Bird Flu-Striken Jazz Musicians with Heroin

Belgian Boy, 12, Unmpressed By Large Gains in Canadian Agricultural and Lumber Exports

Study: Millons of Quarters Are Lost in so-called "M & M" Gumball Machines Which Actually Dispense an Inferior, Somewhat Chalky Brand of Coated Chocolate

Young Woman Encouraged to Hold Celebrities in High Regard

University of Michigan Scientists Confirm September Observation that Tucker Carlson is a Dick

Artist Swears By Beautiful Women

Iraq Election to Give Florida a "Run for It's Money"

Sensitive Ship Sunk By Cutting Remark

Man Pleased Thrift Store Couch is Rough Sex Resistant

Genetic Modification Allows Tater-Tots to be Planted

US Communist Party Brochure Demand Up Sharply

Plan to Pacify Iraq With Starbucks Holiday Coupons Hits Snag

Adorable Kittens Believe They Suffered Considerable Neglect Since This Afternoon At 3

WALMART SUES NON-SHOPPING AMERICANS

Sen. Kerry Stands By "Fuck You, You Fucking Fuckfaced Fuck" Fax To President

Controversy Rages over GPS Satellite-Tracked Breast Implants With Ability to Pinpoint Location within 2 Centimeters

TV TONIGHT -America's Next Top Model: "Hot?" or "About to Be Run Over By a Jacked Minivan?"

Coming Up on Headlines: The New Intelligence Act And the 1500 Words That Are Unwise to Ever Type in Any Order