IRAQ TURNS A CORNER, INTO A TUNNEL

Alaskan Pug Hears "Call of the Galleria"

Eager to Build on Accomplishments, Bush Pushes Fully Funded "Department of the Coming Apocalypse"

Brad Levitates as Angelina Jolie's Baby Girl Performs First Miracle

Angry Adorable Kittens Storm Partly Out of Room Before Distracted By Spider

IN TODAY'S OPINION'S, By Danika Strawberry. Your Protestations are Fatuous.
I Believe We Have Already Negotiated the Value of This Depraved Sexual Service at $350.

Child Mentally Scarred by Kenny Rogers' Fumbling Attempts at Peek-A-Boo

CATHOLIC CHURCH WORRIED THAT NEW MOVIE WILL SPARK "HISTORICALLY REVISIONIST" ALLEGATIONS THAT HUNDREDS OF PRIESTS ARE CHILD MOLESTERS

New Orleans Citizens Re-Elect Mayor, 141-127

Sense of Direction at White House Fades As World "Running Out of Things to Fuck Up"

Secret Service Rescues Bush after Fumbling With I-Pod Attachment Package Enters 2nd Hour

John McCain Sends Back Report That "Power of the Dark Side Unimaginable"

Awkwardness, Embarassment as New Robot Robot Resources Executive Must Fire A Robot For First Time

Cheney Thrilled As Brand New Extra High Collar Black Cape Finally Arrives

Mountain Expedition Postponed Due to Incredible Cuteness of Kitten Sitting in Boot

After Long Struggle, Berlusconi Finally Sedated, "Fixed"

Coming Up on Headlines Weather: Curiously, Intermittent Organ Meats

Adorable Kitten, Asked to Comment on Presidential Abuse of Authority, Keeps Pawing Picture of Mussolini

OSAMA BIN LADEN NABBED AS A RESULT OF MONITORED PHONE CALL TO YOUR MOMMA

Pig, Fourth in Line of Succession, Sent to the Chop

MIDDLE CLASS FAMILY BUYS HOUSE WITH CASH

Sony Unveils New Robot to Help Disabled and Fire It's Employees

Tree Falls on Missed Quarterly Earnings

In Today's Opinions, by Richard Cohen: I Believe the Only Real Humor Comes From Truly Professional Newspaper Journalism

CORRECTION: Middle Class Family Watches "House" With Cats

RUMSFELD VIGOROUSLY DEFENDS TOM CRUISE

The Hard Work and Dreams of A Small Nebraska Town Collapse As Visitor Points Out New $150 mil Crab Processing Plant Is Kind of Far From Ocean

Exasperated Stock Analyst: Stocks Just Keep Dropping and Going Up Again

SPORTS: Supersonics Now Threatening to Leave Seattle
Every Morning at 9 AM Sharp

BREAKING NEWS:

ENRAGED POLAR BEARS SUDDENLY BURST IN AND BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF FORMER EXXON CEO

Rumsfeld Insists Hollywood Entering Period of Unprecendented Success and Artistic Creativity

University of Michigan Study of Cash, Credit Cards Using Spectography, Sophisticated 3-d Imaging and Lasers Suggests Value Purely "Cultural"

Adorable Kitten Appeals to Menacing Doberman With Endearing "Mew"

Missing Larder Found in Freezer

Congress Moves to Simplify Consumer Life By Enacting
Mandatory Brand Identification at Birth

Disney Line Opens "Uncle Milton's Paradise Lost" Cruises

Children Cheer as Bill Clinton Brokers Agreement to Eliminate All-Clammato Vending Machines From Elementary Schools Across the Nation



Season's First Hurricane Goes Straight for Katherine Harris

As a Stolen, Speeding Cement Mixer Takes a Sudden Shortcut Through An Atlanta Suburb, An Adorable Kitten Walks Calmly out of the Way

Bush Still Popular Among Mother

CNN REPORTS APPEARANCE OF STUNNING BLOND

IRANIAN PRESIDENT WRITES BUSH, DEMANDING ALL MUPPETS BE KILLED

Alaskan Community Leaders, Designers, Travel Executives Meet to Hammer Out Plan for Club Med Egegik

Warbler Bunnies Sing Long and Sweetly Into Spring Twilight

Abercrombie and Jesus Congregation Clogs Ballard

University of Michigan Scientists Prove Rembrandt's Dark Backgrounds and Distinctive Style Came From Rabies and He Usually Copied Slides

Chris Tucker To Expand Definition of "Putz"

New H4 Hummer Hybrid Features Internal Contradiction Engine

FEMA's Godzilla Planning Sharply Questioned

Provoked By Tantalizing Descriptions, NSA Agents Raid Detroit House, Wrest Mrs. Tallochi's Secret Super Incredible Fudge Kooshies Recipe From Her Cold, Dead Hands

Mosul Man Exasperated as Suicide Bombers Target His New Slurpee
Machine Twice

Forboding Vortex of Evil Devours East Bay Notions Shop

Democratic Senators Trapped For Weeks on Pedestrian Island

Major Real Estate Investor Depressed as Verbal Abuse of Employees Loses Its Zing

Bill Gates Stopped Cold By Hello Kitty

World's Greatest Lover Reportedly World's Worst Actuary

Rivaling David Blaine, Hilary Clinton To Stand Perfectly Still For Two Weeks

Tom Cruise In Negotiations To Star in Home Alone VI on Lifetime

FEMA ANNOUNCES IT'S 3-POINT BIRD FLU PLAN:
SCREAM, WAVE ARMS, AND RUN AWAY

Giant Kitten Loses Muttons

Daffodils, Fluffy Bunnies and Bluebirds "Exasperated"

Darfur Agreement Vows "Steady Reduction" in Machine-Gunning Starving Farmers

POLL: BUSH REMAINS VERY POPULAR AMONG SENIOR MEN WHO YELL AT CHILDREN REGARDING UNAUTHORIZED LAWN PRESENCE

Delaware "Through Being Cool"

IN TODAY'S OPINIONS: This Was NOT Your Oil Tanker to Drag Race Into Rotterdam in the First Place

Today's Hi-Tech Cuisine Feature: San Jose's Posh Mechanique Offers
Lightly Blackened Robot Sprockets in a Delicate Plum Reduction Sauce

Expensive Leather Jacket Suffers as Adorable Kitten Finds Shoulder Perch Impressive, But Unreliable

South Park Creators Help Nice Old Lady Cross Street

COMING UP ON HEADLINES: Why Your Outwardly Cheerful But Resentful Parakeet May Be Scheming to Sell Your Daughter's Image to the Pornographers

Major Oil Company Declares Bankruptcy As Its Bank Violently Ruptures From Large Amounts of Cash

Bi-gendered Bivalves Seek Quadrasexual Marriage

Epidemiologists Remind America There is Also a Serious Bird Snot Problem

Rumsfeld Notes Developing Security Threats in Iceland, India, Indonesia, Ireland, Israel, and Italy

Adorable Kittens Secure Prime Tuna Bits With Apt Cuteness Display

University of Michigan Scientists Bio-Engineer Enzyme Which Erases Signature Ink on Sexual Harassment of Graduate Students Consent Decree

Bush Found Under Desk, Surrounded By Scores Of Empty Butterscotch Pudding Cups

While True Machine Intelligence Proves Elusive, Sophisticated New Robot Does Shed Real Skin Flakes

Beck Tickles Feckless Heckler

Killer Bees Turn People's Witness, Released in Plea Deal

Achievable Aims Tribal Chiefs Perform Limeade-Making Ritual

Pizza Hut Faces Crisis as Possible Cheese Stuffing Pie Areas Grow Scarce

German Geneticists Reinvent The Veal

North Korea Threatening to Nuke Itself

University of Michigan Study: No "Hope" for "Dead"

Vicious Marketing Press Gang Rounds Up Free Verse Poets for Copy

Jimmy Kimmel Grows Slightly Funnier While Sucking Life-Force Out of Sarah Silverman

FBI Subpoenas Much More Porn


Chorus Over Rumsfeld Performance Grows

Study: American Robots Unwilling to Perform Tasks Like Inexpensive Mexican Robots

Adorable Kittens Fight Extradiction to Bathtub

Hot British Band Arctic Monkeys Threatened by Deadly Combination of Global Warming and iTunes

In Today's Opinions, by Jack Abramoff: " The True Fault Here is With the Undue Influence of Money in Political Campaigns, Plus the Dangerously Low Price of Whores and Cocaine."

Onion Staff Suffused With Rue

D.C. Buzzes with Possible VEEP Replacement of
Dick Cheney by Simon Barsinister

WALMART SWEATS PROFITS AS REDNECK FUTURES
RISE TO 5.79 AN HOUR

Bay Area Housing Crisis Drives Economist to Palo Alto

Looking to Future, Florida Presses Forward With Submersible Bus System

Related: Lower East Side To Become Much Like East River

Cheney Blows Away Elderly

Robot Adorable Kitten Craps Metal Shavings

Ingrates Gather to Spurn Annual Ingratious Awards

Coffee Shop Artist Sells out for Triple Tall Mocha

Mundane Laundry Experience Made More Exciting By Paranoid Schizophrenic Folding His Aluminum Foil Drapes

University of Michigan Research Musicologists Discover Gwen Stefani Simply Too Adorable To Critique Her Fairly Okay Dance Music

CHASTENED ROBOTS UNAWARE OF LOCAL ANTI-BEEPING ZONING RESTRICTIONS

Adorable Kittens Insistently Plead Case for Dead Mouse

Don Rumsfeld Insists The Macarena Is THE Dance Craze for 2006

Socialist Parking Attendant Unfairly Targets Ford F-350 Extended Cab

In Today's Opinions', By Former Dictator Augusto Pinochet: "If I could only get off this Barco-lounger, I would surely throw you from a C-130 and bury you in the Stadium"

Baby Ring Seals Overwhelm Hunters with Sustained, Accurate Automatic Weapons Fire

Seattle Concerns Over Moisture Well-Founded

Superbowl Filled With Super Huge Apple Jacks

Bat Rights Organization Condemns "Rightsideupism"

GOP Congressional Panel Convenes To Discredit Female Orgasm

Boise-Area Communist Proud of Communal Breakfast Nook

Depressed Onion Staff Going Through Comedy Motions

Fancy New Bush Orb and Scepter Meets With Skepticism

Iranian President Demands Pacific Ocean Immediately Leave Pacific Rim Area

HULK SMASH WATERBED PRICES

Rove: Children are Our Most Precious Parent-Frightening Resource

Enormous Alien Invasion Fleet Simply Passes Earth By To Raid Precious Gas From Methane People on Neptune

Bush Enrages Bermudan Ambassador

In Today's Opinions, By Auguste Pinochet's Daughter Lucia - There's No Reason for the U.S. to Deny Me Political Asylum or a Liquor License

Dick Cheney Stares Angrily At Bac-O-Bits On Potato Salad

Adorable Kittens Hatch Plot to Exit Grocery Bag

BROKEBACK ROBOT: "I wish I could delete you."

Dried, Grainy Ball of Tang in Bottom of Container Is Local Man's Only Conceivable Dessert

Shitheads Work to Confront the Stereotype

50 CENT SURPRISES RESTORATION HARDWARE WITH IMPROMPTU CONCERT; 4 CAUCASIANS HOSPITALIZED WITH SHORTNESS OF BREATH