BUSH EXPRESSES GROWING FEAR OF CLOWNS

Katie Couric to Focus Reports on Congolese Genocide - Correction, Celebrity Gossip

SCENTED OIL MARKETS DOWN ON DISAPPOINTING MASSAGE THERAPY INDEX

Despite Pleas, Rumsfeld Persists in Sending Fruitcakes to Relatives

Walter is Damn Sure Not Going to Leave the Target Food Court Without A Formal Written Request

Adorable Kittens Lurk in Bag

Giant Floating Brain from Nebular-7 Creeps Other Dude in Hotel Sauna

Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Superglue Fake Plastic Butt to Hummer Rear Door

Norwegian Girlfriend Going all Psycho or Something

Opinion: Immigration Makeovers are a Great Way to Welcome These Foreigners

LATEST REPORT: The Bleeding has Slowed Down a Bit, But I-90 is Way Jammed

IN-DEPTH- As a Small Towm Tries to Adjust, City Officials Admit "Satanic Capital of the Midwest" is Bringing in Tourists, Dollars

Stock Broker's Wife Collapses on Disappointing Earnings Report

Courageous Illinois Teen Breaks "The Dweeb Barrier"

Rumsfeld Sternly Warns Harvard English Lit Grads to Write Clearly,
Succinctly and Truthfully

CEO of Integrated Cybernetic Dynosystems Samples Clam Bake

Angry Chinese Demonstrators Demand Apology From Belgian Embassy for Appalling War-Time Confectionaries

Mall Security Guard Thrilled to Report Incident

Adminstration's Hannibal Lechter Nomination Faces Questions

Curious Mole-People Spurn Digital Television

Man Feels He May Be Overshadowed in Cell-Phone Group Photo By Beautiful Model

Georgia Fascist Uncertain Where to Safely Dry-Clean Nazi Flag

Opinion: The Water Treatment Bond Measure is Too Boring to Truly Support

Pastor Tempted to Misapply Bible Teaching to Sunday Parking Problem

Adorable Kittens Intrigued By Curious Mole People

Coming Up on Headlines: Why the Centers for Disease Control Are Headed for Your Neighborhood Armed and in Force

Concerned Bush Vows to Defeat Klingons

French Navy Crew Crashes Party, Runs Off With the Chicks

Drunk, Smoking, Obese White Lab Rats Turning Up in Nation's Sports Bars

Condi Rice Refuses Offer of Marriage From Count Roni

Rumsfeld Warns Iraqis that Star Wars III Will "Undoubtedly Be The Greatest Movie Ever Screened"

Man Fends Off Possible Polar Bear Attack With CO2 Spewing Lincoln Navigator

Genetically Modified Hot Dog Disgusts Itself

World's Frailest Man Fractures Eyelash

Opinion: Can't We All Agree To Disagree About Who Gave Leprosy to Whom?

Molehill Slated For Expansion

New Pope To Reblock Pope Hat

Curmudgeon Opposes Aspartame and Kiwi-Lime-Mango Splash in City Water

Coming Up on Headlines: The Earth- One More Convienience And the Jig is Up

John Ratzenberger Has Not, Repeat Not, Been Elected Pope. We regret the error.

Rumsfeld Sternly Warns Himself Against Corruption and Incompetence

Illustrating a Point About Long Term Debt Insecurity, President Whacks Elderly Pensioner With Baseball Bat

Tri-Cities Area Communist Party Declares a General Strike, in the Sense of Trading
Shifts at Powell's Food-Co-Op

In First Assault on Poverty, Wolfowitz At World Bank Moves to Eliminate Capital Gains Taxes for Those in Bangladesh Making Less Than 1500 Rupees A Year

Jewelton, Nebraska Fails In Bid To Make World's Largest Submarine Sandwich by Over Three City Blocks

Hot Chick Distracted by Brochure

OPINION: Sometimes It's Hard to Tell Whether it's Really God or Another Lame Schizophrenic Episode is Talking To You

Angelina Jolie Orders Mixed Greens Salad

Adorable Kittens Blame Faulty, Tempting Wiring

Lugubrious Jones Briefly Cheered By Inexpensive Electric Fireplace

Coming Up on Headlines: After Difficult Negotiations With Maniacal Tobacco Store Clerk , Prince Albert Has Been Released

In Surprise, John Paul II Rewarded in Heaven with 72 Virgins

Primitive Hill People Install Lucrative Ski Lift

Ebert Says Vietnam II Not As Good as Original Vietnam

Quentin Tarrantino Takes Vow of Silence, Or More of a Long Pause Really

Superman Has Finally Had It, May Fly Around World and Reverse Time To Change Presidential Election

Robot Scientists Demand Right to Submit Grant Proposal in Binary

Seattle To Destroy Aging Alaska Way Viaduct With Explosive Pent-Up Emotions

Adorable Kitten Falls Asleep on Other Adorable Kitten, To Considerable Inconvienience

Travel Writer Enjoys Ames, Iowa Denny's Exactly as Much as Boise, Idaho Denny's

Incompetent Clerk Risks Spearing as Conquistador Impatiently Waits in Line to Return Defective 'Phantom Menace' DVD to Target

OPINION: These Outrageous Fuel Prices Are Cutting Into an Average Gas Huffer's Already Limited Budget

LATEST FINDING: Endangered Species Really Love Living Endangerously

Even New Doritos Packaging Fattening

Bush Calls for 'War on Air'

Coming Up on Headlines Weather: These Particular Particulates Won't Take It Lying Down

CARDINALS PONTIFICATE

Noble Fir Appalled by Proximity to Common Pine

OPINION: How Can any Self-Respecting Video Store Call 6 Beta Copies of Ass Pilots IV an Adult Section?

Candyless Man Partly Assuaged by Lozenge

Chaos as Giant Hershey's Kiss Hot Air Balloon Deflates on Top of Dick Cheney

Rumsfeld Lauds Fat Elvis

Smore Mugged; Gingerbread Suspect Missing

FCC To Phase Out Legal Skipping Over Ads

University of Michigan Study: America Also Losing Popularity in America

Man Reconciles Self to Wife's Enormous New Breasts

Couple Who Spent $78,000 on Unsucessful Infertility Treatments Relates to Friend's Loss of Leukemia-Wracked Child in Butane Explosion

Coming Up on Headlines: No matter how tempting at the gas station, don't point to the Hummer and laugh.

Sexy New Computer Features Shaved Connectors

POPE TOTALLY ALIVE AGAIN- FOX Reports

Tom Delay Corruption Query Launched Into Outer Space

Alan Greenspan Found Naked Licking Female Brooklyn Scenester at Club Metro, Blames X, Market Up Sharply

Leaders Laud Pope Plus Reagan for Beating Up Gorbachev in Dark Kiev Alley in 1985, Causing No More Communism

Adorable Kittens Feign Interest

Onion Reader Notes Uncanny Similiarites to Own Pathetic Life

Let's Say U.S. Widget Production Moves to Shanghai

LATEST REPORT: Run!

Icelanders "Most Hilarious" Scandanavians

University of Michigan Study: Strong Correlation Between Cheap Scotch, Humiliating Golf Scores and U.S. Tax Policy

U.S. Consumers Urged to Turn Falling Real Wages, Evaporating Job, Health Care and Retirement Security Into Amazing Opportunity to Buy Shiny Things on Credit

Giant Floating Brain from Nebular Seven Receives Free Teeth Whitening Coupon for New Patients

Coming Up on Headlines Weather: Probably Nothing to Worry About Just Yet, But Storing 300 Gallons of Clean Water is Never a Bad Idea

GOD TEMPORARILY POPELESS

Wolfowitz Realizes Life-Long Dream of Chance to Help the Poor

Papal Vestament Makers Expect Robust 4th Quarter

Beer Ad Campaign Apparantly Conceived While Drinking Beer

Report on Pre-War Intelligence Delayed to Order Some Fajitas

Accident-Prone Denver Boy Inconsequentially Upsets Large Display of Bags of Marshmellows

MBA Pteryadactyls launch DyingMeat.Com

Terry Schiavo Urn Clearly Expresses Wish to Live

Tri-Cities Area Communist Party Loses Token Trotskyist to Job at Paint-Ball Arena

Lemming Psychiatrist Sees Plunge in Business

Specialists Dispatched as Rural Arkanasan Diagnosed 'Debonaire'

Adorable Kittens Cease Day's Toil

Amusing Gadget Breaks, Then Fails to Amuse

Pickles the Border Terrrier Indifferent to Post-Structuralism

Manageable Goals Revolutionary Kisses Warm, Soft Account Executive

Bee Union Busted; Workers Will Return Immediately to Ceaseless Buzzing

Queasy Sleaze Eases Breezy Sneeze

Unnecessary High School Work History Form Sucks Man's Eyes Out of Head

Rumsfeld Insists Bob Saget Added Much To America's Funniest Home Videos With Falsetto Witticisms

Certain Holes Gauged As Depressingly Empty

Coming Up on Headlines: Why Your Feeble, Desperate Clawing at Meaningful Experience is About to Be Professionally Discredited