ENDANGERED SPECIES BEGIN TAKING UP EXTREME SPORTS

NORTH KOREANS INSTRUCTED TO LAUGH AT HILARIOUS "ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US" INTERNET CRAZE OF 2001

TACO SUPREME COURT ISSUES SOUR CREAM RULING

ADORABLE KITTEN TORTURES SPIDER IN ORDER TO FIGHT TERRORISM

MAGIC KINGDOM CLIMATE CHANGE WILL BRING INCREASED PERIODS OF SADNESS

UGLY MAN URGED TO SHOP ONLINE

EXXON HEADQUARTERS PLUMBING AGAIN CLOGGED WITH WADS OF MOIST CASH

HUNGRY UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN SCIENTISTS USE STEM CELLS TO MAKE CHICKEN BREAST

JERSEY CRIME SYNDICATE HIRES ALBERTO GONZALES TO FORGET ABOUT IT

COMING UP ON URGENT HEADLINES WEATHER: VINDICTIVE HAIL

ZOMBIE ROBOT THREATENING TO INGEST MOTHER BOARDS

IN RETIREMENT PLANS, POST-WHITE HOUSE BUSH TO "COMPLETELY DISCREDIT THE AREA AROUND CRAWFORD, TEXAS"

BAR BRAWL INDUCES BAR FIGHT

ADORABLE KITTEN NARROWLY ESCAPES NEARBY LOGGING TRUCK TRAGEDY BY INSTEAD SLEEPING ON RUG

UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN SCIENTISTS CLOSE TO EFFECTIVE TREATMENT FOR LONELY SCIENTISTS

LOCAL TEEN INSPIRED TO GIVE UP

DESPERATE FOR GOOD NEWS, BIOLOGISTS ANNOUNCE THAT THE RACCOON IS NOT ENDANGERED

"REDNECK PLATO" POSTULATES THE REALM OF THE CONCRETE FORMS

TURKISH GOVERNMENT HIRES ALBERTO GONZALES TO FORGET THE ARMENIAN GENOCIDE

IN TODAY'S URGENT OPINIONS, BY CLAY BENNETT, OWNER OF THE SEATTLE SONICS: " THE CALL TO SNIVEL: WHY AMERICA'S BILLIONAIRES MUST SPEAK OUT"

IN MIX-UP OVER WRITER'S STRIKE, COAST GUARD ICEBREAKER SENT TO HOLLYWOOD

COMING UP ON URGENT HEADLINES WEATHER: ANGRY SPRINKLES

CITING PUBLIC DANGER, NEW YORK CITY NOW ENFORCING SPEED LIMIT ON FAST-WALKING SUPERMODELS

UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN GENETICISTS: HUMAN/CLAM HYBRID "HAPPY AS A HUMAN-CLAM HYBRID"

MINIVAN BREAKS WORLD IDLING IN FRONT OF ME BLOCKING MY WAY IN PARKING LOT RECORD

JESUS RE-APPEARS IN TACOMA, OPERATING A VERIZON MALL BOOTH

IN TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES OPINION FEATURE, BY MIKE "GUTSHOT" JONES: "I SURE WISH THAT GUY HAD NEVER SHOT ME IN THE GUT"

ADORABLE KITTENS INVESTIGATE REFRIGERATOR AS POSSIBLY INEXHAUSTIBLE SOURCE OF NUMMIES

WAR ON TERROR SIDETRACKED BY BATTLE OF MORONS

ARTIST RECONTEXTUALIZES I-90 WITH ABSTRACT EXPRESSIONIST LANE MARKERS

CRISP FALL DAY RUINED BY UNNECESSARILY ANNOYING WINDSHIELD REPLACMENT

NOW IN PRIVATE PRACTICE, ALBERTO GONZALES LOSES $20 MIL CASE AS HE FAILS TO RECALL FILING DEADLINE, THE LEGAL PRECEDENTS INVOLVED, WHO HIS CLIENT EXACTLY WAS OR WHAT THE CASE WAS EVEN ABOUT

INTERNATIONAL ASSOCIATION OF ROBOTS SPOKESBOT CALLS CRITICS RUN/TIME ERROR

COMING UP ON URGENT HEADLINES WEATHER: METEOR-Y

UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN STUDY: AMBIGUITY CRISIS MAY WORSEN OR NOT

AN ENRAGED DICK CHENEY OUTBID AT LAST MINUTE ON EBAY

PHYSICISTS ISOLATE MORON RAYS

NEW CAR WILL RUN ON GREENER PLUTONIUM

IN TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES OPINION FEATURE, BY NOBEL LAUREATE AL GORE: "SUCK ON THIS, MORLOCKS"

GIULIANI SUPPORT STEADY AMONG CONSERVATIVE GIUS

ON RETURN HOME, RELEASED GUANTANAMO DETAINEE GETS BILL FOR FIVE YEARS OF HBO HE NEVER ORDERED

ROBOTS WITH GREEN MEMORY CARDS TO REPLACE AMERICAN ROBOTS ON ROBOT ASSEMBLY LINE

FEATURES: LOCAL CRAFT ARTIST TURNING OLD WATERBEDS INTO "BLADDERS OF INCONSOLABLE DESPAIR"

ON GOLF COURSE, DONALD TRUMP SCORES RARE "ASSHOLE IN ONE"

FACING $8 BILLION INVESTOR FRAUD AND 15 COUNTS OF FEDERAL RACKETEERING CHARGES,

ACCUSED CEO SUDDENLY IMPRESSES JUDGE WITH DISPLAY OF WICKED HACKY-SACK SKILLS

COMING UP ON URGENT HEADLINES WEATHER: INSIDE NOT AT ALL GOOD EITHER

BUSH HUMBLY APOLOGIZES TO SELF

POPULACE INFURIATED BY ENDLESS BRITNEY SPEARS COVERAGE, FRENCH ASSAULT FORCES LAND AT REDONDO BEACH

CLIMATE CHANGE REPORT: BIG ROCK CANDY MOUNTAIN NOW SLUFFING OFF TAFFY

RELATED: CANDYLAND SCIENTISTS DISCOVER SWEET PINK COTTON CANDY CLOUDS "PUMPING OUT BILLIONS OF TONS OF CO2"

ADORABLE KITTEN SURVIVES MINUTES LOST IN PILLOW CASE

IN TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES OPINION FEATURE, BY ECONOMIST PAUL KRUGMAN: "I TOLD YOU AND I TOLD YOU: WHEN DID I EVER NOT FUCKING TELL YOU?"

SURPRISE, CARNAGE IN HARTFORD AS BLUE, 10-ARMED GODDESS OF CHAOS KALI VISITS TGI FRIDAYS

LOCAL WOMAN FORCED TO CHOOSE BETWEEN STYLE, COMFORT

ANALYSTS: G.O.P. ACRONYM INCREASINGLY SUSPICIOUS

SENSUOUS KISS WITH BREATHTAKING GIRL INTERRUPTED BY EARNEST CITY COUNCIL CANDIDATE

LOCAL DOG YET STARES AT BLOG WRITER

DUMBASS AIRLINES LANDS AT REALLY WIDE RUNWAY*

COMING UP ON HEADLINES: YOUR HAMSTER- WHY YOUR FURRY LITTLE FRIEND MAY INDUCE INFECTIOUS BOILS, EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA, AND LINGERING FOR A FEW DAYS IN AGONY WHILE AWAITING THE SWEET RELEASE OF AN INEVITABLE DEATH -HEADLINES REPORT YOU DON'T WANT TO MISS, AT 11

*Special thanks to old Bob Newhart joke

BREAKING NEWS: MARCEL MARCEAU DIES QUIETLY

BUSH PROPOSES AWAKENING THE SLEEPING 1300 FOOT TALL ATOMIC BATTLE ROBOT FROM SPACE

UNDETERRED BY CRITICS, MAN CONTINUES TO ASCRIBE MAGICAL POWERS TO 4 WEEK OLD MAPLE BAR

UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN SCIENTISTS UNCOVER NEW SPECIES, ENDANGER IT ON THE SAME DAY

RESPONDING TO SPEARS' VMA INCIDENT, CONGRESS APPOINTS MUFFIN-TOP INVESTIGATIONS UNIT

DEVASTATING RAINBOW TORNADO DRIVES UNICORN BELLY FUTURES UP

REPUBLICAN SENATORS TORN AS CRITICAL IRAQ VOTE, D.C. OPENING NIGHT OF "RENT" CONFLICT

PRELIMINARY ADORABLE KITTEN INVESTIGATION DETERMINES EMPTY BOOT MAY BE SUITABLE HIDING PLACE

A URGENT HEADLINES OPINION FEATURE, BY CHRIS HITCHINS: WHY I CAN'T GIVE STAY MAD AT YOU, DICK CHENEY, YOU LOVEABLE RASCAL

HEAVEN, HELL BEGIN SURPRISE MERGER TALKS

HERITAGE FOUNDATION LAID WASTE BY ZOMBIE ALEXANDER HAMILTON

SUPERB VIEW OF BEAUTIFUL WOMAN SUDDENLY BLOCKED BY ANGRY MAN

COMING UP ON HEADLINES: WHY IS YOUR CEILING DRIPPING BLOOD? A HEADLINES REPORT YOU DON'T WANT TO MISS, AT 11

UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN SCIENTISTS DISCOVER U OF M FOOTBALL TEAM HAMPERED BY HIGH LEVELS OF SUCKSTOSTERONE

PETRAEUS: WE MUST STAY IN IRAQ UNTIL THE MOMENT WE ACTUALLY LEAVE IRAQ

SCARLETT JOHANSSON TIED TO KLEENEX SHORTAGE

ADORABLE KITTEN AGAIN FORGETS SOMETHING OUTSIDE

SENATE APPLAUDS IN RELATIVE RELIEF AS BUSH INTRODUCES ATTORNEY GENERAL CARROT-TOP

GO TO GUY REBUFFED BY IT GIRL

HAMPTONS AREA OPENS FIRST GATED TACO BELL

CONFIDENT SQUIRREL FEARS NO MAN

REPORT: UNSECURED IPODS PRONE TO ACCIDENTAL SWALLOWING, BUT ARE EXCRETED WITH RELATIVE EASE

HAMBURG COLLEGE STUDENT SUDDENLY WEARY OF SPEAKING GERMAN

COMING UP ON TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES TODAY: CAN THIS ORDINARY CHINESE TOOTHPASTE MAKE YOUR HAMSTERS CANNIBALS?

SUMMER THEATER PRODUCTION OF "TERMINATOR III" SENDS 18 TO HOSPITAL

PARIS JACKS IPOD IN DESPERATE METH GAMBIT

UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN STUDY: DYING SPECIES ALSO RUNNING UP HUGE CREDIT CARD DEBTS

CONTROVERSY AS ROBOT CELEBRITY ADOPTS SEATTLE BABY

"GEOMETRIC STRESS" ON TOSSERS BLAMED AS NON-EUCLIDIAN-SHAPED PIZZA SHOP CLOSES

TEEN ANGEL SUFFERS GHOST ZITS

STUDY: HDTV INCREASING AWARENESS OF POOR QUALITY TELEVISION

I.T. GUY UNABLE TO REBOOT BIRCH STICK

INDUSTRY DEFENDS LOW-LEVEL RADIOACTIVE WASTE IN DORITOS PROJECT AS FRITO-LAY ATTEMPTS TO EXPLAIN RECIPE FOR INTENSE ORANGE COLOR

BUSH SIGNING STATEMENT UNVEILED: "AS PRESIDENT, I REALLY SHOULD KNOW WHAT THIS BILL IS SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT"

INFLUENTIAL MAGICAL FAIRY RESIGNS FROM DEFENSE DEPARTMENT

50 YEARS ON, MABELINE ISSUES PRESS STATEMENT ON WHY SHE COULDN'T BE TRUE AND WENT BACK TO DOING THE THINGS SHE USED TO DO

RADICAL LABOR FRIES ATTEMPT TO ORGANIZE INTO POTATO

DAMIEN HIRST FURTHER ENCRUSTS $100m DIAMOND SKULL WITH THICK LAYER OF BEARER BONDS

POLICE BUST UP GLOBAL NERD RING

BIOLOGISTS' CONCERNS GROW AS PRESSURED ELEPHANTS BEGIN ARMING THEMSELVES

NEWS FROM ISRAEL: PALESTINIAN, JEWISH FALAFEL STANDS AGREE TO DISAGREE/h4>

APPLE RELEASES iFRIEND, WHICH IMPROVES UPON ELECTRONIC COMMUNICATIONS FROM ACTUAL FRIENDS

MAN ARRESTED FOR BRANDISHING POTATO CHIP AT BUSH

AREA PIMP MUST GO AS "HORTON" HEARS A 'HO

DIRECTOR OF CHEKOV FILM TENSES FURTHER AS PRODUCER BRINGS IN NEW EXPLOSIVES EXPERTS

UNIVERSITY OF AUSTRALIA THEOLOGY STUDY: MYSTERIOUS GATHERING OF KOALAS MAY FORESHADOW KANGAPOCOLYPSE

PRETEND MURDERER GOES "BANG!"

LEGOLAND SINKING INTO OCEAN, JUST AS LEGO ZEUS FORETOLD

CATASTROPHIC COLLAPSE OF BEE COLONIES TRACED TO SPREAD OF BEE ANARCHISM

MARINE CORPS BAND DEBUTS NEW PRESIDENTIAL FANFARE, "HAIL TO THE COMMANDER GUY"

iLIFE CONSUMER ENDS ACTUAL LIFE

UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN SCIENTISTS STUDY OF MALES REVEALS 82.6 IMAGES OF FEMALE BREASTS EQUALS APPROXIMATELY ONE VIEW OF ACTUAL FEMALE BREASTS

GLOBAL WARMING ACTION SUDDENLY URGED BY BILLIONAIRE WITH ISLAND

WIDELY BLAMED FOR DIABETES AND OBESITY, SOFT DRINKS NOW FINGERED FOR MIDDLE EAST

HOUSEWIFE IN GHANA GRATEFUL FOR LACK OF GHANA NEWS

ROBOT JOGGERS TO FREE HUMANS FROM BURDEN OF EXERCISE

ASTRONOMERS REPORT NEW EARTH-LIKE PLANET "STUFFED WITH CANDY"

UNIV. OF MICHIGAN SCIENTISTS DISCOVER NEW EAST LANSING-LIKE PLANET

MAN SEEN ABOUT HORSE

AMID WORLD TROUBLES, ASSAULTS USING TYPEWRITERS DROP SHARPLY

BUSH VISITS BALL-POINT PEN FACTORY -HUNDREDS FLEE FROM COLLAPSE, FIRE AND EXPLOSION; ALSO PEN PRICES TRIPLE

ROBOT ARTIST TO FREE HUMANS FROM BURDEN OF CREATIVITY

ENVIRONMENTAL STUDY: CLAMS WORLDWIDE LOSING WILL TO LIVE

MR. POTATOHEAD CAUGHT SOLICITING CHIVES

IN CELEBRITY NEWS, BRITNEY SPEARS APPEARS OFTEN

EPA: IT TURNS OUT NORTH AND SOUTH POLES IN LOVE, HEARTS ARE MELTING

NEW EARTH-LIKE PLANET BLAMED FOR REAL ESTATE SLUMP

BUSH URGES WORLD UNITE TO FIND CURE FOR RESTLESS LEG SYNDROME

FIRST ROBOT MOVIE CRITIC APPEARS ON EBERT AND ROEPER, PANS TERMINATOR IV

ZEUS, ATHENA AND OTHER GREEK GODS CEASE BICKERING, BUY TIME SHARE

SWISS ACTUARY KILLED IN SAUNA BY RABID MARMOT

PENGUIN MAFIA MUSCLES IN ON FLOE

UNIV. OF MICHIGAN SCIENTISTS LOCATE VAGUE DISQUIET CENTER IN BRAIN

PETCO UNVEILS MORE EFFECTIVE FRUIT BAT CLEANSER

UNHAPPY DOG HAS CAT-CHANGE SURGERY

CHENEY LEAVES DANCING WITH THE STARS IN DISGRACE

IN SHOCKING REBUKE AT ANNUAL MEETING, UPPER CLASS BRANDS TRUMP "NOT CLASSY"