Groton, CN: U.S. Navy Experimenting With 200 HP Female Condom

WALMART HEIR'S BODY BURIED, INCLUDING 5000 ASSOCIATES

Commander Numbnuts Sensitive To Coarse Remarks

IGNORING SCHEDULING REQUESTS, BUSH FINDS UNIBROW REGROWING

Wobbly News Satellite Sends Back Unusually Ambigious Commentary

Dick Cheney Strangles Hippy Puppy

CARGO SHIP M/V NEPTUNE'S DAUGHTER SAVES ITSELF FROM WATERY DOOM BY UNLOADING 400 CONTAINERS OF EXTRA ABSORBENT PAPER TOWELS AT KEY MOMENT

Investigators Peg Small Boy Whose Repeated Beachside Shennanigans May Have Caused Deadly Tsunami

Bat, Wombat Represent

Adorable Kittens Stare at Postman

01000101001011100010010 Defeats Truman

Hiker Fleeing Ferocious Bear Run Over By Cement Mixer

OPINION: You Think You Run the Tacoma Best Buy Laptop Accessories Department, But Mister You Have No Idea

Officer Stripped of Rank Amateurism

As A Community Mourns, Officials Find Last of 14 Clown Noses in Frozen Banana Cream Pie Factory Vat

Golfing, Drinking, And Shady Real Estate Deal Charter School Worries Some Parents

New 42" HDTV Screen Just Seems to Magnify Low Quality of Writing

Robot Questions Need For Complimentary Bath Assortment

U.S. General in Kyrgykystan Looking Forward to Some Sort of Important Emergency

Cheney Tables Plans to Vaporize French Children With Death Ray

SUDDEN MAGMA FLOW TAKES LAST OF THE COLD BEERS

Emergency Foam Section Saves Elmo

IRAN ELECTIONS FAVOR MODERATE SOCIAL DECAPITATION PARTY OVER CONSERVATIVE CHRISTIAN DISEMBOWLING PARTY

Release of Captive Donuts Into the Wild Cheers Wolf Cops

Physicists Hypothesize Newly Discovered Anti-Anti Matter
is Strangely Not Pro-Matter

Review: Symphony Composed By Admittedly Talented Baby Predicatably Builds on Repeated Crying, Goo-Gooing Phrases

Rumsfeld Insists Styx Cassettes Are An Appropriate Pre-Teen Birthday Gift

Controversy Brews Over Seattle Plan to Replace
Sections of I-90 With New Blimpway

Barrista Taints Bill O'Reilly's Latte With Small Amount of Disgusting Raspberry Flavoring

OPINION: And I so I Apologize Again, But After 30 days Adrift in the Pacific in a Self-Inflating Raft, the Waterbed Just Seemed like Extra Weight

Coming Up on Headlines: Why the Real Estate Bubble in California May Burst Due to Geologic Rather Than Market Forces

Philadelphia Bond Attorney Jason Clortman Prepares to
Measure Available Square Footage


National Command Authority Missile Launch Codes Left in Bicycling Pants

Robots May Lose Robot Vision From Excessive Self-Disagnostic Checks

Iran Admits Focus Group Testing Nuke Marketing Program

Fuzzy Bunnies Amazed By Abandoned Day-Pack Full of Carrots

Dick Cheney Volunteers for Habit for Inhumanity, Building New Land Mine Plant

Sex Scandal Spokane Mayor Encouraged By Jackson Verdict

Adorable Kittens Sleeping Peacefully in Comfy Shotgun Case

Alaska Senator Stevens Forces Venice Biennialle Move to Eielson Air Force Base

Goth Chick Forced to Wrap Birthday Present

OPINION: Look, Just Because We Have 5000 Metric Tons of Sarin Doesn't Mean We're Not "People" People

Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Target Barnes and Noble Shelves with "Operation Moustache"

Coming Up on Headlines: Why the Massive California Offshore Earthquake May Be the Least of Your Problems

BOLIVIAN PRESIDENT CAPTURED AS GIANT, OVER-ENTHUSIASTIC KOOL-AID PITCHER BURSTS THROUGH WALL

RAPLH NADER DECRIES INSATIABLE "SUPERHERO-INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX"

OPINION: Although Your Suggestion That We "Open the Hatch Now and Escape the Giant Brain-Sucking Snake" is Appreciated, Perhaps We Should All Calm Down and Consider That This Might Be Oxygen-Deprivation Talking

Shots Fired as Starbucks Troops Surround Independent Coffee House

Adorable Kittens Feast on Kibbles Entrails

Experimental Bay Area Bio-Fuel Car Runs on KY Jelly

Socialist Girlfriend Demands Man Return Coor's Light 12 Pack

Old Navy Enlists Coldplay in "Morose Capris" Campaign

Congress May Ban "Public Displays of Disaffection"

An Exultant Bush Beams With Pride as 'Little Helper Wheels' Removed From Bicycle

IN RADICAL CONSERVATION MOVE, U.S. TO CRACK DOWN ON JUST DRIVING AROUND

OPINION: No, I Don't Have the Keys, Darling, Maybe They Fell in The Couch While You Were Making Out With That Hideous Alien

University of Michigan Study: Plump New Breasts May Pay for Themselves in Average 23 Months With Reduced Traffic Fines

Disappointed Roofing Contractor Cancels Graham Cracker Tile Contract

Coming Up on Headlines: Your Future Bio-Cybernetic Dog Will Conveniently Pee Carpet Freshener

Micheal Jackson Evaporates Into 11th Dimensional Space

China, India Outsourcing Each Other: Chinese Confusing Sprint Customers as India Becomes Largest U.S. Supplier of Crappy Plastic Things

Market Special Forces Take Out Nurse's Union

Yet Another Hackey-Sack Injury Sends Dick Cheney to Emergency Room

Latest Bear Finding: Cars With Fat People In Them Often Contain More Nachos

Bush Attempt at Root Beer Float Goes Awry As Ice Cream Ball Keeps Turning Over, Resisting Fumbling Attempts At Scooping With Flimsy Plastic Spoon

Conservative NYT Columnist David Brooks Termed "4-Eyes", Repeatedly Kicked In Back of Knee By Resentful Punk Rock Girl

Opinion: Although I'm Enjoying Your Lap Dancing, Miss, You Don't Necessarily Need to Keeping Slapping Yourself There In Particular

Fooled By Apparent Ease of Chase, Adorable Kittens Stalking Tuna Can

University of Michigan Political Scientists Report French Oddly Reluctant to Give Up Idyllic Lifestyle, Democractic Control of State Policies To Further Enhance Massive Transnational Private Equity Funds

Starbucks Offering Canned 10W -40 Mochachino For Urban Robots on the Go

View of Intriguing Uma Thurman Louis Vuitton Ad Partly Obscured By Habernot Systems Mark VI 15,000 Ton Self-Assembling Derrick Crane

Family Coronary Tragedy Forces Pizza Parlor To Reconsider Free Cheesy Breadstick and Extra Cheese Dipping Sauce Promotion

Rebuttal: Don't Tell Me You Don't Love It

Pentagon Intrigued By Flexible, Colorful Lego Missile Platform

Coming Up on Headlines Familes: Just Because Daddy Muffed His Parole Hearing Doesn't Necessarily Mean He Won't Be Coming Home

Europe Descends Into Further Pleasantry

Pie Futures Unstable as U.S. Rhubarb Supply Critical

Cosmonaut Returns to Outlet Mall

Envelope Coveted

CNN Debuts "The Explosions Minute"

Hostage Takes Hostages To Demand Release of Hostages Such as Himself

Adorable Kittens Hide Under Couch Ready to Attack Naked Ankles

History Recap: Deep Throat Had Revealed U.S. Secret That Nixon Was a Cynical, Warmongering, Racist Son of a Bitch

Hagen-Daz Cookie Dough-for-Plutonium Scandal Drives Ice Cream Sales Down

Seven Chinese Brothers Sued For Illegal Ocean Swallowing

Hulk's Couch Surfing Has Superfriends Seeking Bigger Apartment

Coming Up in Science Headlines: Hormone-Mimic Chemical Pollution Crisis
Upside May Be Bigger Tits