Boy Dictator Crushes Legoland

Rumsfeld Insists Avocado Green is the New Black

Hippie Pimp Develops Organic Whorticulture

Adorable Kittens Secure Sill From Possible Spiders

Nebraskan Alarmed By Ford 350 Diesel With Rough Transmission and Possible Bisexual Tendencies

NSA MAY MONITOR YOUR FREEDOM FOR QUALITY ASSURANCE PURPOSES

Robots Forcibly Bringing the World Together For Christmas Over Childish Human Objections

Noted Candy Maker Retools For Pentagon With New Maiming Taffy

White House Splits With Conservatives Over Anti-Gay Cowboy Movie Constitutional Amendment

At Pentagon Bash, Cheney Dons Traditional Black Santa Suit, Cape and Ceremonial Christmas Cattle Prod

BEAUTIFUL TV INTERN SAVED IN CAR CRASH WHEN WELL-TIMED OBSEQUIEOUS COMMENT SWELLS BILL O'REILLY'S HEAD TO UNUSUAL SIZE, PROVIDING SOFT PILLOW-LIKE ANTI-INJURY CUSHIONING

Adorable Robots Mercilessly Destroyed By Adorable Kittens

(LEFT) Man Shows Off Caucasian Friend

Faced With Economic Isolation, President of Iran Clarifies He Was Just Denying The Whole of Costco

Salmon Rushdie Still in Hiding From Student Loan Fatwah

Carson Daly Voted Top Unfunny TV Robot Who is Indifferent to Women

In Today's Opinions, By The Joker: I May Actually BE the Joker, But I Still Can't Help But Wonder What Joker is Actually Running this Country

Coming Up on Headlines Weather: The Rare Mountaintop Tsunami- Why Montanna May Be At Risk

POLLS' COLLAPSE WORRIES ROVE ABOUT POSSIBLE INSURGENCY IN DUMBFUCKISTAN

Heavily Marked Draft of 1998 Document Containing All of George Bush's Future Speeches Unearthed in D.C. Barbeque Place Restroom

President of Iran Furiously Demands Tiny Invisible Jewish Robots Immediately Leave His Head

Adorable Kittens' Nefarious Plans Flumoxed By Well-Secured Knitting Box

Madonna to Radically Reinvent Herself As A Songwriter Creating Original, Artistically Challenging Dance Music

RUMSFELD ADDRESSES RICECAKE STALENESS PROBLEM WITH IMMEDIATE ACTION

Mick Jagger Reflects on the Impact on Rolling Stones' Performances When Counterpoint was Developed in the 12th Century

Pirate Task Force Review of Federal Katrina Response Recommends Extensive Keel-Hauling, Flogging, and Shackling to the Gallery Sweeps

DETROIT CRISIS AS ROBOT WORKERS DEMAND SCHEDULED MAINTAINANCE

Reacting to Polls, Bush Pays Undocumented Mexican to Sob Quietly to Himself on His Behalf

Nations of World Working Together to Thwart
Inexaustibly Lame Marriage Plans of Uma Thurman to Some Pansy Hotel Billionaire

WTO Director Condemns 'Irrational, Anti-Free Trade' Tariffs on Inexpensive
Romanian Breast Implants

Violent Explosion Distracts Area Employees From Meaningless Tasks Just Long Enough to Make Them Question the Whole Value of Their Careers

In a Theological Debate Expected to Intrigue and Yet Creep Out Billions, Angelina Jolie Taunts Pope Benedict to No-Ref Face-Off at Wrestlemania XXII

Adorable Kittens Consider Branch

In Today's Opinons, by Maxwell Smart: It is High Time That K.A.O.S. Was Held Accountable for The Many Recent U.S. Intelligence Failures and Fiascos

Rumsfeld Pushes to Award Bachman Turner Overdrive "Medal of Freedom" for National Service as "The Paramount Musical Group of the 1970's and Beyond"

Giant Floating Brain From Nebular-7 Sloshes to Car Window When Cut off By Ford F 350 Pickup At Key Bellevue Exit, Leaving Oily Streak

Only Hammer Unsuited to Particular Nailing Task

PRESIDENT OF IRAN CALLS FOR ERADICATION OF BEAGLE PUPPIES

Nasa Reports 8th Grade Science Project Experiment
Both Spectacular Success and Catastrophic Failure

Chastened Reindeer Visits Grandma in Rehab

RUMSFELD PREPARES FOR POSSIBLE ACTION AGAINST IRAN BY ROOTING OUT SUSPECTED FARSI SPEAKERS FROM ARMY AND ENGAGING IN EXTENSIVE JUNGLE WARFARE EXERCISES

Rolling Stones Guitarist Talks About Early Sessions With Mammoth Bone Flute

Ambitious Marketers Unveil Robot Consumer With 4000 Times the Purchasing Desire of Ordinary Human Shoppers

Speeding Cement Truck Brakes Suddenly to Allow Adorable Kittens to Cross Street at Leisurely, Kittenly Stroll

SUNDAY MORNING NFL: Seahawks' Tatupu Sacks Leafblower Idiot at 6:30 am

REPORT: GOD MAY NOT HATE FRANCE

Toys R Us Ashcans Chia Hitler

Misdirected Senior Staff Leave White House Screening of 'Cowboy' Movie Brokeback Mountain in Long, Awkward Silence

In Today's Opinions: Ironically, I Was From Mother's Womb Untimely Ripp'd

U.S. Hopes Rise as Starbucks Asserts Control Over Falujah

Teenage Rumsfeld Nieces Again Requested to Thank Uncle Don for XMAS Gift of Pink Socks With Little Bears on Them, 8th Year in a Row

Pentagon: Iraq Success "Within Reach," When Redefined as "Lack of Success"

Hikers Report Oregon Bigfoot's Frustrated Bellows as Job Outsourced to Cheaper Tibetan Yeti

Killer Bee Gees Relentlessly Sting Target Shoppers With 70's Hits

A Curious Fact! Hilarious Sarah Silverman (Above, Left) Persists In Dating Somewhat Overweight, Much Less Funny Men Other Than Myself

Orthodox 110-Volt, 220-Volt Hardware Sects Condemn Forbidden Robot Love Affair

WAL-MART EMPLOYEE HEALTH CARE COSTS CUT WITH FREE SODIUM PENTATHOL SHOTS

Absolut Vodka Underwrites Musical Scholarship for Advanced Study of the Renaissance Lut

In TODAY'S OPINIONS: ALTHOUGH POTENTIALLY DELCIOUS, WE SHOULD RETHINK OUR PLANS FOR REPAIRING THE DILAPADATED ALASKAN WAY VIADUCT WITH COLUMNS OF PRESSED HAM

Coming Up on Headlines: A Rare and Beautiful Argentinian Butterfly
Obsessed With Homicide

Wardrobe Malfunction Releases White Witch into Superbowl Crowd

Crazy Street Man Study: Orders from Celine Dion Song to Burn Down a Fred Meyer Create Obvious Conflict With Previous Instructions From Mind-Reading CIA Bats

Pieces "Simply Fall Off" as Dick Cheney Reportedly Wearing Out His Lego "Middle East"

Attractive Blond College Girl Is Reported Missing From CNN

In Non Peer-Reviewed Research Incident, An Intelligent Design Scientist Crawls into Cage, Is Beaten By Gorilla

Hygenic Physicists Back "Floss Theory"

Coming Up on Headlines: The Bird Flu- And Many More Reasons to Hate Birds

Analysts Tout Cancer's Impressive Growth

Chickens Cross the Wrong Man

(ABOVE) Fresh from Radical Medical Procedure, Kim Jong IL Reviews North Korean Troops

Atkins Insurgents Radicalize, Destroy Pop-Tart Factory in Suicide Dining

Extraordinary Americans Taunt Ordinary Americans

AG Fitzgerald Subpoenas Damning Rove "Bury Wilson" Post-It

Top Theologians Speculate on What Carpenter Jesus Said Upon Striking His Own Thumb With a Hammer

In Today's Opinions: "Memo to San Francisco Yacht Club: Get that Skanky Ass Crack Ho Out of My Face!"

White House Furniture Overturned as Small But Undeniable Fact Chases Bush Around Oval Office

Robot Union Willing to Accept Power Cut

Coming Up on Headlines: Why Your Daughter's New Death Metal Obsession May Obscure the More Disturbing Problem with Your Son

Report: U.S. Government Has Retained FEMA's Michael Brown In Order to Destroy Iraq Insurgency By Attempting to Rescue It From Dangerous Hurricane

Balls to the Wall as Ann Coulter is Arrested

Alan Greenspan Leaves Fed for Jessica Simpson