AGGRIEVED CLOWN WIDOW SUES TINY TRICYCLE MANUFACTURERS

Analysts Worry That Death of Saudi King Might Lead Citizens to Support Terrorism

RELIEF AS AMERICAN 737-700 CRASHES GENTLY AND DELICIOUSLY INTO COTTON CANDY FACTORY

Experts Say Excessively Hot Angelina Jolie Must Be Banned By FCC

Adorable Kittens Demand The Vote, Then Fall Asleep in Sunbeam

Clerk Looks Forward to Summer Career at Office Depot

"Last Clang" as 47,000 Workers Laid Off When Last Boeing Bell Factory in Seattle's Belltown Closes

LATEST REPORT: Wiggams, That Fed Ex Better Be Here By 4:30

University of Michigan Study: Disobedient Boy Responsible for World Hunger

Marketers Sign on Tony Danza for Big DY-1507 Shaft Flange Campaign

Coming Up on Headlines: How a Simple Cheeseburger Threw Carrot Top Into Despair

Contentious Lifestyle Debate Fails to Delay Deployment of New 7th Armored Division

As Casualties Mount, Pizza Hut Pulls Out of Iraq

BOLTON DEMANDS NOMINATION PASSAGE OR HE WILL BEAT UP LITTLE GIRL

US Attack Sub Collides With Uncharted Big Rock Candy Mountain

Rumsfeld Insists Farah Fawcett Replacement Cheryl Ladd Was Marked Improvement in Original Charlie's Angels Lineup

University of Michigan Energy Scientists Thrilled at Discovery of Virtually Untapped Source of Research Grants

Extremely Irritating Old Woman Keeps Standing Quietly Nearby

Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Stick Realistic Sphincter Sticker on Yellow Hummer

Adorable Kittens Determine Flushing Handle is Not Friend

FBI Stepping Up Efforts Against Terrorist Hazard of Radical Pro-Bicycling Hippies

LATEST REPORT: Lisa, I Expect the Makita Tools Display to Look Ship-Shape By 4:30

Robot Shoppers Getting Too Friendly With Self-Checkout Machine

Coming Up on Headlines Weather: Expect the Thousands of Artificially Generated Tiny Black Holes To Burn Off into 11th Dimensional Space By Noon

1/2 Soup and Tuna Salad Sandwich Special Comes With Side of Love

Radical Anti-Human Robots Hold Frozen French Fry Warehouse Hostage

Despondent Vampire Bat Sitting Upright in Lawn Chair in Daytime Drinking a Snapple

Adorable Kittens Uncover Secret Spider Lair Inside Plastic Cookie Monster Cup

Is Ann Coulter Really a Nazi Cunt? Find Out In Minutes With This Simple Hormone Test

Khmer Rouge Rebrands Itself as High-End Snack Foods Provider

Ghost of Derrida Terrifying English Majors in Graduate Student Housing

Primitive Living Pre-Human Sub-Species Discovered Serving on Kansas School Board

Latest Report: Those Cars Aren't Going to Wash Themselves, Mister

Duck Comedian Hones Hilarious Bufflehead Impersonation

Coming Up on Headlines: Meteorite Insurance - Don't Put it Off Till You See the Burning Track of Sky Fire

Heroic Toddler Saves Town As Fork in Outlet
Sets Fire to Wal Mart

Concern Grows as Iranian Bakery Enriching Wonderbread

Declining World Frog Population Cutting Down on Magical Royal Marriages

Report: God Has Superlative Gravy Recipe

Viscious Mouse Criminal Sentenced to The Springy Chair

Constitution "Tabled"

Disappointment as 32 Ounce Resealable Bag of Fred Meyer "Honey Oaty Rings" Proves Full of Angry, Live Bats

Film History: Walter Pigeon Crapped On Napolean

FBI Taps Trevor's 'Big-Wheel Ice Cream Gang' As Nation's Top Child Terrorist Concern

Premature Ejaculation Drug Release Date Delayed By Thoughts of Baseball Steroid Abuse

Poet Writes Novel Just to Slip in Poetry

Coming Up on Headlines: Adorable Kitten Scientists Believe That the Reality of Tuna Flavoring Must Imply The Existence of Huge, Delicious Tunas

Eighth Grade Science Class Hamster on Suicide Watch

Vatican To Step Up Sarcastic Letters to Editor

The Force Unable to Save Ill-Conceived Date

Disneyworld Guantanamo Less Than Happiest Place on Earth

World Trade Organization Floats Trading Cards

Yoda: "Gay is this Jedi."

Starbucks Backs out of Opening in Chili's inside a Friday's

Minor Chinese Communist Party Official Taken Aback by Unsettling Comments in Das Kapital

Bush Bids Mongols Fear Our Mighty Iron Sky Birds

Secret Pfizer Cancer Cure Released When Hair Growing Side Effect Noted

Adorable Kitten Snuggling Attempt Goes Awry As Unstable Milkshake on Lap Faulted

Southern French Lifestyle Mildly Disrupted by Stale Bagels

LARGE HADRON COLLIDER GO FOR WIPING OUT FILTHY, IRRITATING HADRONS

Rumsfeld Stands By Osmonds 8-Track

Jesus Thumbs Up! on F-22 Advanced Capability Fighter

Google Announces "Search Me" Feature

North Korea Unveils Wicker A-Bomb

EU OKs UK IOU

Rumsfeld Flashes Old Student ID In Attempt to Get Into Syria

Pentagon Invokes Little Known Cub Scout "Permanent Reserves" Subclause

U.S. Treasury Secretary Defends Use of Special Mathematical Properties of Parallel Universe 8!A

Paris Hilton Goes Down Like The Bismark

Condi Rice Over-Stretches Suck-Up Tendon

Fluffy Bunnies' Daisy-Romp Gathering Crushed By Renegade Mine-Tailing Loader

Microsoft Copyrights "Quotes"

Automated Self-Check Out Bag-Emplacement Direction Fills Man With Gnawing Despair

Wedding DJ Badly Misjudges Audience Desire to Hear Bachman Turner Overdrive

Adorable Kittens Suspect Tree Contains Birds

Hummer Owner Ironically Run Over By Shopping Cart

Rabid Bear Refuses to Take Down Last Week's Garage Sale Signs

78 Year Old Benedict XVI Issues Encyclical: All Children To Immediately Vacate Vatican Lawn

Bicycling Bush Reported Lost in West Dakota