Gliteratti 'Literal'
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NEBRASKA REPORTED MISSING

GOTH TEENS INCITE HOT TOPIC WORKERS' REVOLUTION

A.A.R.P. INSISTS BUSH GET OFF THE LAWN

National Gingivitis Association Prepared to Fight Gum Control

U.S. Postal Service Orders 50 Cent to Increase Himself to 54 Cent as of June 30th

Girlfriend Says '87 Corolla Wagon "Mildly Improved" By Sheepskin Seatcover, Not "Pimped"

Vatican: Holy Spirit Taking Zoloft

Gen. Augusto Pinochet Receives Coupon for Free 1-Topping Pizza With Purchase of A Pizza of Equal or Lesser Value

University of Michigan Reports Behavior of Psychology Students Dangerously Over-Studied

Lemur Unswayed

Report: Paul Wolfowitz Pledge to Reduce Poverty Draws Heavily on Jonathon Swift Proposal*

Adorable Kittens Mesmerized By Flossing

"Internet Explorer" Re-Named "Microsoft Virus Bag XP"

University of Robots Robot Scientists Robot Sociology Report Reports Robot Nightmates of Ctrl-Alt-Delete More Common Than Once Computed

View of Young Woman's Impressive Decolletage Ruined by Inexpensive Christian Jewelry

Latest Finding: Seasoned Olive Oil Overated

Poll of Elderly American Moderates Reveals 51% Involuntarily Slapping Selves in Head

Fading Seattle Rock Star Pays Expert to Keep Bass Meticulously in Tune

Biker Leaves Crank Stash in Other Pants

*Caution: Some Headline Jokes May Require Liberal Arts Education

Best Buy Rebate Obtained

Condi Rice Attempts to Charm EU Meeting With Provocative "Fan" Dance

Giant Floating Brain From Nebular 7 Embarassed, Injured After Slipping on a Banana and Tumbling Down Stairs, Finally Rolling to a Wobbly Stop Seven Blocks Later in Front of a Tacoma IHOP

GAO Review Uncovers 1971 "Vietnamization" Memo, Apparantly Mixed Up in Wolfowitz Office With Invasion Plan for Iraq

As a Child Mourns, City Leaders Reflect on Decison to Locate Doggy Day Care Next to Unscrupulous Rendering Plant

Brain Rapidly Filling With Somewhat Incorrect Facts

Tom Delay Denies Accepting '78 El Camino From Crack Lobby

Oncoming Late 80's Fashion Revival, Will, Repeat Will, Pretend Parachute
Pants Never Occurred

Dennis Miller Admitted For Snidectomy

House Plant Fuming

Rumseld Insists "Happy Days" Improved Significantly After Departure of Fonzie

Liberace's Ghost Haunts Rhinestone Mine

Shopping Network Forced to Accept Advertising

Weather Likely To Be Factor In Rain

Additionally, Dick Cheney Attempts to Charm EU Meeting With Provocative "Fan" Dance

Kittens Seek Further Claification on Social Security Scheme

IN LAST-MINUTE DRAMA AT THE RIM OF A SUBURBAN DETROIT TOILET BOWL, CONGRESS STEPS IN TO SAVE GOLDY THE FISH

White House: Bush Enjoys 'Complementary' Relationship With God

Angry Parent Offers to Give What-For

Tri-Cities Area Communist Party Tables Spring Membership Drive

Rumsfeld Insists That RC Cola Is the Best

Aceh Resident Too Embarassed To Tell Trite, Mundane Story of Survival

Zoning Board Action Reclassifies Novelty Bakery as Adult Business

PENTAGON CANCELS ROBOT SURGEONS PROGRAM; NOT ENOUGH ROBOT CADDIES AVAILABLE

White House Spokesman: President, While Absolutely Not Gay, Orally Pleasures Attractive Spokesmen

WalMart Quietly Begins Shooting Associates

PENTAGON REPORTS ROBOT RECRUITMENT SHARPLY DOWN

Report: Bush was Bitten By Strong, Vicious Dollar as A Child

Reality Turns Humorous Vignette Ugly

Pro-Life Shootings Up

Adorable Kittens Damage Computer By Accidently Launching Internet Explorer

Man Strongly Regrets Hat Choice for Hot Date

University of Michigan Study: Huge Fucking Rise in Overall Dumbshit-edness

Tom Delay Crushed To Death By 15 Ton Total Ethical Collapse

Monsters From the ID Sue Makers of Zoloft

Chicken Adjusted To Reduce Wear

Adorable Kittens Suddenly, Horrifically Turn Back on Longstanding Vole Friendship

Florida Man Allows Carrot in Fridge to Quietly Shrivel Up

Cut Loose By Federal Program, Van Gogh's Potato Eaters Run Out of Ketchup

WALMART TO OFFER HEAVILY DISCOUNTED COCK

ANWR Tundra Already Napalmed to Save Time And Possible Regulatory Delay

Billionaire Receiving $48 million in Rebates Now Three Times as Happy as Under Old Tax Plan

NASCAR ORGANIZATION CONDEMNS GENERAL IGNORANCE

Thai Restaraunt Group Denounces Club Sandwich


Despicable Bottom-Dwelling Life-Sucking Whore of a Marketing Fuckface Finds Peace Driving New Jetta

AMA Floats Optional Patient Indenture

Student Completes History Paper; No Casualties

Preacher: Get That Whore Wagon Out of My Freaking Pew