CATHOLIC CHURCH WORRIED THAT NEW MOVIE WILL SPARK "HISTORICALLY REVISIONIST" ALLEGATIONS THAT HUNDREDS OF PRIESTS ARE CHILD MOLESTERS

New Orleans Citizens Re-Elect Mayor, 141-127

Sense of Direction at White House Fades As World "Running Out of Things to Fuck Up"

Secret Service Rescues Bush after Fumbling With I-Pod Attachment Package Enters 2nd Hour

John McCain Sends Back Report That "Power of the Dark Side Unimaginable"

Awkwardness, Embarassment as New Robot Robot Resources Executive Must Fire A Robot For First Time

Cheney Thrilled As Brand New Extra High Collar Black Cape Finally Arrives

Mountain Expedition Postponed Due to Incredible Cuteness of Kitten Sitting in Boot

After Long Struggle, Berlusconi Finally Sedated, "Fixed"

Coming Up on Headlines Weather: Curiously, Intermittent Organ Meats

Adorable Kitten, Asked to Comment on Presidential Abuse of Authority, Keeps Pawing Picture of Mussolini

OSAMA BIN LADEN NABBED AS A RESULT OF MONITORED PHONE CALL TO YOUR MOMMA

Pig, Fourth in Line of Succession, Sent to the Chop

MIDDLE CLASS FAMILY BUYS HOUSE WITH CASH

Sony Unveils New Robot to Help Disabled and Fire It's Employees

Tree Falls on Missed Quarterly Earnings

In Today's Opinions, by Richard Cohen: I Believe the Only Real Humor Comes From Truly Professional Newspaper Journalism

CORRECTION: Middle Class Family Watches "House" With Cats

RUMSFELD VIGOROUSLY DEFENDS TOM CRUISE

The Hard Work and Dreams of A Small Nebraska Town Collapse As Visitor Points Out New $150 mil Crab Processing Plant Is Kind of Far From Ocean

Exasperated Stock Analyst: Stocks Just Keep Dropping and Going Up Again

SPORTS: Supersonics Now Threatening to Leave Seattle
Every Morning at 9 AM Sharp

BREAKING NEWS:

ENRAGED POLAR BEARS SUDDENLY BURST IN AND BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF FORMER EXXON CEO

Rumsfeld Insists Hollywood Entering Period of Unprecendented Success and Artistic Creativity

University of Michigan Study of Cash, Credit Cards Using Spectography, Sophisticated 3-d Imaging and Lasers Suggests Value Purely "Cultural"

Adorable Kitten Appeals to Menacing Doberman With Endearing "Mew"

Missing Larder Found in Freezer

Congress Moves to Simplify Consumer Life By Enacting
Mandatory Brand Identification at Birth

Disney Line Opens "Uncle Milton's Paradise Lost" Cruises

Children Cheer as Bill Clinton Brokers Agreement to Eliminate All-Clammato Vending Machines From Elementary Schools Across the Nation



Season's First Hurricane Goes Straight for Katherine Harris

As a Stolen, Speeding Cement Mixer Takes a Sudden Shortcut Through An Atlanta Suburb, An Adorable Kitten Walks Calmly out of the Way

Bush Still Popular Among Mother

CNN REPORTS APPEARANCE OF STUNNING BLOND

IRANIAN PRESIDENT WRITES BUSH, DEMANDING ALL MUPPETS BE KILLED

Alaskan Community Leaders, Designers, Travel Executives Meet to Hammer Out Plan for Club Med Egegik

Warbler Bunnies Sing Long and Sweetly Into Spring Twilight

Abercrombie and Jesus Congregation Clogs Ballard

University of Michigan Scientists Prove Rembrandt's Dark Backgrounds and Distinctive Style Came From Rabies and He Usually Copied Slides

Chris Tucker To Expand Definition of "Putz"

New H4 Hummer Hybrid Features Internal Contradiction Engine

FEMA's Godzilla Planning Sharply Questioned

Provoked By Tantalizing Descriptions, NSA Agents Raid Detroit House, Wrest Mrs. Tallochi's Secret Super Incredible Fudge Kooshies Recipe From Her Cold, Dead Hands

Mosul Man Exasperated as Suicide Bombers Target His New Slurpee
Machine Twice

Forboding Vortex of Evil Devours East Bay Notions Shop

Democratic Senators Trapped For Weeks on Pedestrian Island

Major Real Estate Investor Depressed as Verbal Abuse of Employees Loses Its Zing

Bill Gates Stopped Cold By Hello Kitty

World's Greatest Lover Reportedly World's Worst Actuary

Rivaling David Blaine, Hilary Clinton To Stand Perfectly Still For Two Weeks

Tom Cruise In Negotiations To Star in Home Alone VI on Lifetime

FEMA ANNOUNCES IT'S 3-POINT BIRD FLU PLAN:
SCREAM, WAVE ARMS, AND RUN AWAY

Giant Kitten Loses Muttons

Daffodils, Fluffy Bunnies and Bluebirds "Exasperated"

Darfur Agreement Vows "Steady Reduction" in Machine-Gunning Starving Farmers

POLL: BUSH REMAINS VERY POPULAR AMONG SENIOR MEN WHO YELL AT CHILDREN REGARDING UNAUTHORIZED LAWN PRESENCE

Delaware "Through Being Cool"

IN TODAY'S OPINIONS: This Was NOT Your Oil Tanker to Drag Race Into Rotterdam in the First Place

Today's Hi-Tech Cuisine Feature: San Jose's Posh Mechanique Offers
Lightly Blackened Robot Sprockets in a Delicate Plum Reduction Sauce

Expensive Leather Jacket Suffers as Adorable Kitten Finds Shoulder Perch Impressive, But Unreliable

South Park Creators Help Nice Old Lady Cross Street

COMING UP ON HEADLINES: Why Your Outwardly Cheerful But Resentful Parakeet May Be Scheming to Sell Your Daughter's Image to the Pornographers

Major Oil Company Declares Bankruptcy As Its Bank Violently Ruptures From Large Amounts of Cash

Bi-gendered Bivalves Seek Quadrasexual Marriage

Epidemiologists Remind America There is Also a Serious Bird Snot Problem

Rumsfeld Notes Developing Security Threats in Iceland, India, Indonesia, Ireland, Israel, and Italy

Adorable Kittens Secure Prime Tuna Bits With Apt Cuteness Display

University of Michigan Scientists Bio-Engineer Enzyme Which Erases Signature Ink on Sexual Harassment of Graduate Students Consent Decree

Bush Found Under Desk, Surrounded By Scores Of Empty Butterscotch Pudding Cups

While True Machine Intelligence Proves Elusive, Sophisticated New Robot Does Shed Real Skin Flakes

Beck Tickles Feckless Heckler

Killer Bees Turn People's Witness, Released in Plea Deal

Achievable Aims Tribal Chiefs Perform Limeade-Making Ritual

Pizza Hut Faces Crisis as Possible Cheese Stuffing Pie Areas Grow Scarce

German Geneticists Reinvent The Veal