University of Michigan Research Musicologists Discover Gwen Stefani Simply Too Adorable To Critique Her Fairly Okay Dance Music

CHASTENED ROBOTS UNAWARE OF LOCAL ANTI-BEEPING ZONING RESTRICTIONS

Adorable Kittens Insistently Plead Case for Dead Mouse

Don Rumsfeld Insists The Macarena Is THE Dance Craze for 2006

Socialist Parking Attendant Unfairly Targets Ford F-350 Extended Cab

In Today's Opinions', By Former Dictator Augusto Pinochet: "If I could only get off this Barco-lounger, I would surely throw you from a C-130 and bury you in the Stadium"

Baby Ring Seals Overwhelm Hunters with Sustained, Accurate Automatic Weapons Fire

Seattle Concerns Over Moisture Well-Founded

Superbowl Filled With Super Huge Apple Jacks

Bat Rights Organization Condemns "Rightsideupism"

GOP Congressional Panel Convenes To Discredit Female Orgasm

Boise-Area Communist Proud of Communal Breakfast Nook

Depressed Onion Staff Going Through Comedy Motions

Fancy New Bush Orb and Scepter Meets With Skepticism

Iranian President Demands Pacific Ocean Immediately Leave Pacific Rim Area

HULK SMASH WATERBED PRICES

Rove: Children are Our Most Precious Parent-Frightening Resource

Enormous Alien Invasion Fleet Simply Passes Earth By To Raid Precious Gas From Methane People on Neptune

Bush Enrages Bermudan Ambassador

In Today's Opinions, By Auguste Pinochet's Daughter Lucia - There's No Reason for the U.S. to Deny Me Political Asylum or a Liquor License

Dick Cheney Stares Angrily At Bac-O-Bits On Potato Salad

Adorable Kittens Hatch Plot to Exit Grocery Bag

BROKEBACK ROBOT: "I wish I could delete you."

Dried, Grainy Ball of Tang in Bottom of Container Is Local Man's Only Conceivable Dessert

Shitheads Work to Confront the Stereotype

50 CENT SURPRISES RESTORATION HARDWARE WITH IMPROMPTU CONCERT; 4 CAUCASIANS HOSPITALIZED WITH SHORTNESS OF BREATH