Robot Scientists Develop Inexpensive Robot Substitute

"Man's Cruelty to Man Crueler Than Man's Man's Cruelty to Man" - Batman

WTO Ruling Will Force Anime Noses to be Drawn Properly

Golf Win Celebrated With Real Estate Bubbly

That Genetically Reconstituted Mammoth's in Henderson's Tomatoes Again

CAMP FOLLOWERS OFFER CROMWELL S'MORES

Bush Insists on Fax

Invalid's Parking Validated

Key Paragraph On Rebuilding '72 Datsun Carborator Ruined By What Appears to be Dried Orange Tang

Adorable Kittens Make a Break for Door, Then Are Distracted by Small Piece of Paper

Justin the Hun Maurauding No One Except That Blond Chick at Abercrombie

OPINION: The View At the Summit of Everest Was Fine But Not Worth 4 Fingers and My Lower Left Leg

Dude 'Invades Cutedatenland'

Accidental Consumer Survey of Wild Gibbons Last Year at Alderwood Zoo May Have Adversely Affected This Year's Hollywood Offerings

VA Tech Student Clara Littleton Poses With "Awesome" Patriotic Sculpture by Karl Rove

Karl Rove Wows Crowds at State Fair Carving Patriotic Eagle Sculptures in Butter

Robot Politician Nabbed in Sex Scandal With 1500 HP Self-Propelled Compactor

AFL-CIO Loses SEIU, Gains NFL, ABC, and AOL

Mint Farm Gets Fresh Subsidies

Starbucks Blimp Cafe Will Tap Wide Open Unused Airspace Coffee Market

Attempted Tryst Fails With Card Rejections at Motel 6 Check-In Counter

Kuwait Adopts Dust Bunny as National Symbol

Artist Traps Escaping Mouse With 8 Foot Nude Painting (True!)

Bush Crashes Bicycle into Stray Homo Habilis

Today's Tomorrow's Headlines:
Patriotic as Eagle Butter

ROVEMOG RALLIES BASE

MICROSOFT: 'Longhorn' Operating System "Will Make Typing a 'Snap'"

DULL SENATE FINANCE HEARING ERUPTS INTO CONGA LINE OF THE DAMNED

Robot Scientists Report Puny Humans Weakened By Pathetic Feelings of Love

Waterproof Cell Phone Can Now Ruin Relaxing Baths

WHITE HOUSE COUNTERS THAT LIKE ALL PATRIOTIC AMERICANS, KARL ROVE IS PREPARED TO BETRAY HIS COUNTRY WHEN IT'S REALLY IMPORTANT

Overzealous Prosecutor Indicts Tacoma

Rehnquist Quitting For Lifelong Dream of Becoming Shiatsu Massage Therapist

Adorable Kittens Briefly Feel Ignored Before Getting Picked Up and Placed in Coffee Mug for Amusing Photo Shoot

Recently Appointed Top US Navy Commander Captain Morgan Introduces Wildly Popular New Behavior Protocols

Face Stomping Postponed Due to Ass Whoopin'

Pastors Criticize "Unproven 'Theory'" of Aeronautics

Loss of 8 Year Old's Barbie Malibu Set Blamed for Family Economic Catastrophy

Continent of Europe Now Drifting Even Faster

Purchase of $2 Gallon Can of Tomato Sauce At Costco Seems Whimsical in Retrospect

Hopes For Demos Grow as Passing Angelina Jolie Raises JFK From The Dead




A Humbled Rumsfeld Bids
Welcome To Our Robot Overlords

UNIVERSAL EXPORTS DENIES EMPLOYING ANY "JAMES BOND"

BUSH TAPS CHILDHOOD FRIEND FOR SUPREME COURT, AN IMAGINARY PRO-LIFE SOCK MONKEY NAMED BINKLES

NIPPLES IMPLIED

Adorable Kittens Mum Over Holes in Drapes

POLAR BEAR GANG SUSPECTED IN BIG SEAL MEAT HEIST

Brick House Laid Flat By Sweet Talk and Tequilla Shots

Roofing Contractor's Dog Repeatedly Reroofing