BUSH DISMISSES IRAQ KIDNAPPING OF UNICORN PRINCESS

Mistaking Metaphor for Contract, Halliburton Builds $35 Billion Bridge to Future

ZEUS HAD BACKED AL GORE

Pirate Painter is Arrrtist On the Move

Vaguely Liberal Strategists Pronounce Tied Election as Impossible to Win

Beautiful But Deadly Friday's Waitress Infiltrates Appleby's

A Movie is Released In Which Attractive People Experience Problems with Both Zombies and Aliens

Madison WI Trostskyists Argue over Starbucks v. Yuban

Massive $9.50/hr Phlebotomist Shortage Described as Sheer Laziness

Adorable Kittens Displace TP Rolls, Secure Top of Bathroom Cabinet Outpost

Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Send Sarcastic Post-It in Business Reply Envelope Back to County GOP Office

Little Nickel Ad Suggests '87 Chevy Conversion Van Re-Discounted For a Reason

Deep Sadness as Dreams of Being Porn Star Termed Unrealistic

Kurdistan Teenager Not Overly-Discouraged By Discovery that New Moustache is Likely Ball-Point in Origin

Wal Mart Greeter Fired For "Welcome To Wal Mart, Tool!" Greeting

Goofy Blown Away

Coming Up on Headlines: White Powdery Substance May Not Be Cracker Residue

SPOT NEAR ORLANDO MISSED; ZEUS DEMANDS FIFTH HURRICANE

SHOCKER IN LATEST POLLS AS "STRAIGHT-SHOOTER'"CALIGULA LEADS BY FIVE

College Paper By President Bush Surfaces; TA's Notes Suggest Madagascar is Pretty Obviously Not in Lake Michigan

WAL MART TO OCCUPY THE SET OF ALL POINTS

ADORABLE KITTENS FORCED TO ATTACK BICYCLING MOUSE CARRYING TINY CATNIP CHRISTMAS TREE

Karl Rove Nixes Zoot Suit

Cole Porter Revival At Nascar Event Turns Tragic

Comedian To Make Observation

Mastering of 9th Language by Montanna Woman is Admired Yet Widely Resented

Alaska Legalizes Marijuana For Large Male Brown Bears in Need

Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Fling Stale Halloween 3 Musketeeers Bar at Pickup with Bush Sticker

Charlie Rose Puts the Beatdown on Punkass Harper's Editor

Controversy as U.S. Military-Industrial Complex Outsources Most Work to
Burkina Faso

Coming Up on HEADLINES Weather: The Undervalued Pleasures of Subterranean Concrete

Jeb Bush Taunts Hurricane Ivan as "Girly Weather"

COMMUNIST PLOT OVERTHROWS MARYLAND STARBUCKS TABLE WITH THE NICE VIEW

Aunt Esmerelda Shoots Son in Law Such a Look

Balloonhead Economist Expects Deflation

Adorable Kittens Unable to Post Bail

Salmon Run Numbers Collapse Made Up For in Weight

Ryder

Communion Accident Turns Wafers Into Zeus

Private Detective Buddy Gets a Load of Those Gams

Mr. Potatohead, 47, Victim in Gruesome Eastside Murder- Police Seek Atkins Dieter of Interest

GOP Historian Claims Bush is Blithering Genius

Iowa Housewife Stumped by Tomatilla

Reflecting Polls, America Sadly Drops "United" to Become Just "States"

Thread Dangles From Shorts, Adorable Kittens Must Pounce

Froggy Goes A-Courtin', Denies Spy Ring

Committee Investigating Excess Delegation Assigns Committee Assignments

Angry Customer Declares Jihad on Substandard Safeway Brand Nutty Nuts

University of Michigan Report: SLIGHT THREE YEAR INCREASE IN BLITHERING

Hungry Commandos Overthrow Snack Machine

Last Year's Massive East Coast Power Outrage Finally traced to "Clap-On, Clap-Off" Switch Mistakenly Installed at Lincoln Center

Coming Up on Headlines Weather: Authorities To Allow Floridians a Four-Day Respite from Running For Their Lives