BILL GATES SEEN CRUNK AT RENTON 7-11, TOSSING PLASTIC LAWN CHAIRS AT PASSING CARS

SCIENTISTS URGENTLY WORKING TO CRACK GENETIC CODE FOR ANGELINA JOLIE

McCAIN UNVEILS PROPOSAL TO EXTEND DAYLIGHT NAPPING TIME

HILARIOUS JOKE ON GAS PRICES THWARTED BY SEX

STUDY: U.S. NOW A SAD, LONELY SUPERPOWER

ROBOT PORN SPREADS SEEN AT LOWE'S

FLEEING KARL ROVE LEADS COPS IN CHASE THROUGH TRI-COUNTY AREA, DEATH TOLL NEARING 27

NODDING SOLEMNLY, OBAMA QUIETLY APPROVES HIS OWN MEMORIAL DESIGN

ADORABLE KITTENS UNABLE TO UNDERSTAND SIMPLE DVR INSTRUCTIONS

BUSH CAUGHT IN LINCOLN BEDROOM TRYING TO APPROVE HIMSELF

JOHN MCCAIN FORCED TO DENY ADULTERY WITH GEORGIA WOMAN SPY DURING BATTLE OF ANTIETAM

DIESEL ROBOTS TO SAVE FUEL BY ARM-SHARING

UNIV. OF MICHIGAN SCIENTISTS ESTIMATE WASTED 147 MILLION U.S. MAN-HOURS EACH SUMMER CAUSED BY GIRLS STRETCHING

ADORABLE KITTENS FACE CHALLENGE WITHDRAWING FROM PAPER SACK

FACING POLAR MELTING, POLAR BEARS' INVESTMENT GROUP MAKES ATTEMPT TO PURCHASE CRUISE SHIP

BILL GATES RETIRING TO CATCH UP ON "BATTLESTAR GALACTICA"

NEW HONDA RUNS ON INEXPENSIVE MILK

SCIENTISTS: GOOGLING "GOOGLE" MAY DESTROY INTERNET