UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN STUDY: AMBIGUITY CRISIS MAY WORSEN OR NOT

AN ENRAGED DICK CHENEY OUTBID AT LAST MINUTE ON EBAY

PHYSICISTS ISOLATE MORON RAYS

NEW CAR WILL RUN ON GREENER PLUTONIUM

IN TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES OPINION FEATURE, BY NOBEL LAUREATE AL GORE: "SUCK ON THIS, MORLOCKS"

GIULIANI SUPPORT STEADY AMONG CONSERVATIVE GIUS

ON RETURN HOME, RELEASED GUANTANAMO DETAINEE GETS BILL FOR FIVE YEARS OF HBO HE NEVER ORDERED

ROBOTS WITH GREEN MEMORY CARDS TO REPLACE AMERICAN ROBOTS ON ROBOT ASSEMBLY LINE

FEATURES: LOCAL CRAFT ARTIST TURNING OLD WATERBEDS INTO "BLADDERS OF INCONSOLABLE DESPAIR"

ON GOLF COURSE, DONALD TRUMP SCORES RARE "ASSHOLE IN ONE"

FACING $8 BILLION INVESTOR FRAUD AND 15 COUNTS OF FEDERAL RACKETEERING CHARGES,

ACCUSED CEO SUDDENLY IMPRESSES JUDGE WITH DISPLAY OF WICKED HACKY-SACK SKILLS

COMING UP ON URGENT HEADLINES WEATHER: INSIDE NOT AT ALL GOOD EITHER

BUSH HUMBLY APOLOGIZES TO SELF

POPULACE INFURIATED BY ENDLESS BRITNEY SPEARS COVERAGE, FRENCH ASSAULT FORCES LAND AT REDONDO BEACH

CLIMATE CHANGE REPORT: BIG ROCK CANDY MOUNTAIN NOW SLUFFING OFF TAFFY

RELATED: CANDYLAND SCIENTISTS DISCOVER SWEET PINK COTTON CANDY CLOUDS "PUMPING OUT BILLIONS OF TONS OF CO2"

ADORABLE KITTEN SURVIVES MINUTES LOST IN PILLOW CASE

IN TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES OPINION FEATURE, BY ECONOMIST PAUL KRUGMAN: "I TOLD YOU AND I TOLD YOU: WHEN DID I EVER NOT FUCKING TELL YOU?"

SURPRISE, CARNAGE IN HARTFORD AS BLUE, 10-ARMED GODDESS OF CHAOS KALI VISITS TGI FRIDAYS

LOCAL WOMAN FORCED TO CHOOSE BETWEEN STYLE, COMFORT

ANALYSTS: G.O.P. ACRONYM INCREASINGLY SUSPICIOUS

SENSUOUS KISS WITH BREATHTAKING GIRL INTERRUPTED BY EARNEST CITY COUNCIL CANDIDATE

LOCAL DOG YET STARES AT BLOG WRITER

DUMBASS AIRLINES LANDS AT REALLY WIDE RUNWAY*

COMING UP ON HEADLINES: YOUR HAMSTER- WHY YOUR FURRY LITTLE FRIEND MAY INDUCE INFECTIOUS BOILS, EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA, AND LINGERING FOR A FEW DAYS IN AGONY WHILE AWAITING THE SWEET RELEASE OF AN INEVITABLE DEATH -HEADLINES REPORT YOU DON'T WANT TO MISS, AT 11

*Special thanks to old Bob Newhart joke

BREAKING NEWS: MARCEL MARCEAU DIES QUIETLY

BUSH PROPOSES AWAKENING THE SLEEPING 1300 FOOT TALL ATOMIC BATTLE ROBOT FROM SPACE

UNDETERRED BY CRITICS, MAN CONTINUES TO ASCRIBE MAGICAL POWERS TO 4 WEEK OLD MAPLE BAR

UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN SCIENTISTS UNCOVER NEW SPECIES, ENDANGER IT ON THE SAME DAY

RESPONDING TO SPEARS' VMA INCIDENT, CONGRESS APPOINTS MUFFIN-TOP INVESTIGATIONS UNIT

DEVASTATING RAINBOW TORNADO DRIVES UNICORN BELLY FUTURES UP

REPUBLICAN SENATORS TORN AS CRITICAL IRAQ VOTE, D.C. OPENING NIGHT OF "RENT" CONFLICT

PRELIMINARY ADORABLE KITTEN INVESTIGATION DETERMINES EMPTY BOOT MAY BE SUITABLE HIDING PLACE

A URGENT HEADLINES OPINION FEATURE, BY CHRIS HITCHINS: WHY I CAN'T GIVE STAY MAD AT YOU, DICK CHENEY, YOU LOVEABLE RASCAL

HEAVEN, HELL BEGIN SURPRISE MERGER TALKS

HERITAGE FOUNDATION LAID WASTE BY ZOMBIE ALEXANDER HAMILTON

SUPERB VIEW OF BEAUTIFUL WOMAN SUDDENLY BLOCKED BY ANGRY MAN

COMING UP ON HEADLINES: WHY IS YOUR CEILING DRIPPING BLOOD? A HEADLINES REPORT YOU DON'T WANT TO MISS, AT 11